Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I thought I'd reached rock bottom last weekend and I had, but now comes the next onslaught. Do they ever give up trying to cause chaos ? I've been NC for several weeks with the exception if a quick text( read prior posts) because I've gone NC he is upping the anti. He is desperate for a reaction now. It's not enough that I've lost my best friend over this and had NC after a row with my family ( having contact again now, all good there)

Today I hear from my sister to stop discussing our family stuff with her friends. And a text from someone else regarding a secret I told my ex BPD. I think now my ex BPD us hitting a new label of low by disclosing a couple if family secrets I forgot I told him. He shared many secrets too but I have no desire to share any of them with anyone.a couple of these secrets will devastate my family all over again and destroy what I've just rebuilt. Why oh why did I tell him anything... . I might be just being paranoid it may come to nothing but nothing surprised me anymore about him. He will go to any length now to get a reaction even if its to cause me devastation and pain. I feel like I need to contact him to beg him to please be discrete. And then I realise that's playing his game. I don't know how bad this is going to get before things improve. Do they ever give up? Does he hate me this much? And why? Because I loved him too much ? It's so confusing.

[Narellan]

I thought I'd reached rock bottom last weekend and I had, but now comes the next onslaught. Do they ever give up trying to cause chaos ? I've been NC for several weeks with the exception if a quick text( read prior posts) because I've gone NC he is upping the anti. He is desperate for a reaction now. It's not enough that I've lost my best friend over this and had NC after a row with my family ( having contact again now, all good there)

Today I hear from my sister to stop discussing our family stuff with her friends. And a text from someone else regarding a secret I told my ex BPD. I think now my ex BPD us hitting a new label of low by disclosing a couple if family secrets I forgot I told him. He shared many secrets too but I have no desire to share any of them with anyone.a couple of these secrets will devastate my family all over again and destroy what I've just rebuilt. Why oh why did I tell him anything... . I might be just being paranoid it may come to nothing but nothing surprised me anymore about him. He will go to any length now to get a reaction even if its to cause me devastation and pain. I feel like I need to contact him to beg him to please be discrete. And then I realise that's playing his game. I don't know how bad this is going to get before things improve. Do they ever give up? Does he hate me this much? And why? Because I loved him too much ? It's so confusing.

[AG]

I feel the same exact way. Feels like punishment for loving them. You bend over backwards to fill they're void and they feel you need to be punished for it? What the heck! They reach out for help and then spit in your face when you do such? Again What the heck!

Ive read your story and to be honest as far as vengence/Karma goes you are already seeing it come back to him. If hes so happy with her then why the need to lash out on you? It's clearly because he's still not happy. If your friend felt she was doing things the right way then why would she need to check up to see if you are going to expose her true nature? He's lost power and they seemingly don't like to lose power over other people. Also people who would want power over another person as if they were an object have embraced an awful amount of dark energy. I doubt that you ever wanted power over him. You probably wanted badly for him to be happy and for you to be a part of his happiness and for him to be a part of yours. To be honest you give me inspiration for still not contacting him. You give me inspiration for not contacting your friend. You give me inspiration for not lashing back out. You are strong. Please keep posting on your progress. You are definitely better off without both of them in your life. It's definitely they're loss. I was going through dark times again today so I definitely feel your pain. Wish I had a success story to share with you but it's too fresh for me to have much to share. All I have is heartache and turmoil.

[Narellan]

AG thank you   I am feeling it today, really sad as you are. Really want for him to reach out to me. But that's pointless because I don't want him back now. Thank you so much for saying I give you inspiration. I don't feel inspiring at all. I just feel like any contact with either of them now will humiliate and hurt me more. I do have to battle with myself each day to avoid ruminating over it. Today I'm just plain sad. But that's ok. I've just let myself be sad. Your post made me feel stronger in myself. I thought " yes, I'm doing ok I'm on the right track. I'm keeping my dignity, and will be stronger and prouder for it" thank you x

[Take2]

Hi Narellan... .   I know exactly how you feel... .   because I can't be truly NC with my ex (work together), he does continue to go thru his cycles with me.  He stopped for some time but now that my replacement has been kicked to the curb apparently, he is back to taking his anger out of me... .    he threatened all kinds of destruction of my life in every way yesterday.  I do have concerns in a big way because his rage yesterday was so unexpected.  Well, let me correct that, his rage wasn't unexpected but the level of insanity was.  He hasn't been that off-the-charts crazy with anger in quite some time.  He wound up leaving early I think because he knew he was out of control.  Not to his coworkers that sit near him, but I suspect he was showing major anger. 

Can things get worse?  apparently so... .   even when you think it's over, it's not over... .   I think it's not over until there is someone else for them to dance with?  It's been an evolving situation since the day I met him. 

[WalrusGumboot]

He is desperate for a reaction now.

This is commonly referred to as an "extinction burst" on this board. They see themselves losing control over you, and it is a period of time where they pull out all the stops and anything can happen. I endured it - it was ugly... real ugly. When you stay the course and not give in, they tend to turn their attention elsewhere, like looking for a replacement. The length of time of the extinction burst varies.

I feel like I need to contact him to beg him to please be discrete.

This will play right into his hands and will confirm that he still has control over you, and he found something (the family secrets) that works in controlling you.

To be free of this, you will have to endure this trial. You will have to be prepared should be choose to reveal those secrets. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst applies here. 

You will make it through this trial. Keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Narellan]

Thank you WG. I have never heard that phrase before extinction burst. It makes a lot of sense now. I think the family aecret has not been revealed or I would have heard about it. So I can breathe a little easier. His last desperate attempt was posting a nude of me on FB. I couldn't leave it there for all to see so I broke NC and told him to remove it which he did. He almost sounded remorseful. That was out last contact. I'm off FB now so I won't see if he posts another nude photo, but he knows I'm off and I won't see it therefore no reaction therefore he prob won't do it. I can't control what he does. I'm calmer about that now. Ill just deal with it as it happens.

[mywifecrazy]

I thought I'd reached rock bottom last weekend and I had, but now comes the next onslaught. Do they ever give up trying to cause chaos ? I've been NC for several weeks with the exception if a quick text( read prior posts) because I've gone NC he is upping the anti. He is desperate for a reaction now. It's not enough that I've lost my best friend over this and had NC after a row with my family ( having contact again now, all good there)

Today I hear from my sister to stop discussing our family stuff with her friends. And a text from someone else regarding a secret I told my ex BPD. I think now my ex BPD us hitting a new label of low by disclosing a couple if family secrets I forgot I told him. He shared many secrets too but I have no desire to share any of them with anyone.a couple of these secrets will devastate my family all over again and destroy what I've just rebuilt. Why oh why did I tell him anything... . I might be just being paranoid it may come to nothing but nothing surprised me anymore about him. He will go to any length now to get a reaction even if its to cause me devastation and pain. I feel like I need to contact him to beg him to please be discrete. And then I realise that's playing his game.

Narellan,

Take a deep breathe. Whatever you told him can't be taken back. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT contact him and BEG him to do anything. If you think he's acting bad now it will only get much worse if you give him control over you. Yes you would be playing right into his hand. Stay NC if you can. I wouldn't even discuss it with anyone else.

I have a very similar situation with my uBPDxw. She is privy to information about me and things I overcame in my life. I shared with Her some personal things about me before I knew about BPD. I thought she was a safe person to talk to... . boy was I wrong! She has since revealed things about me that I didn't want to share with anyone. I don't worry about it anymore because you know what, My uBPDxw is a pathological lier. Those that are close to me know that about her so if it ever got back to people I'm sure they will consider the source. Also I don't really care what others hear about me.  those close to me and the ones I care about know who I truly am.

Again in your situation I would take the high ground. Let's be honest, every married couple shares things with each other.  If your family is upset with you just explain that it was said before you realized how sick he is. You can also explain that you are not in control of him. If they are upset it should be at him. He's the one acting childish. Just do the best you can to remove yourself from the TOXIC cloud that surrounds your X and anyone in his circle of influence. Keep the focus on yourself and your journey towards peace and freedom from unhealthy relationships.

Hang in there sister!

[Mutt]

Thank you WG. I have never heard that phrase before extinction burst.

This is commonly referred to as an "extinction burst" on this board. They see themselves losing control over you, and it is a period of time where they pull out all the stops and anything can happen.

It has nothing to do with control. An exctinction burst is a reaction when you stop re-enforcing a negative behavior. This isn't a stimuli reaction exclusive to BP. An example would be babies, animals as well  

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Here is a 2 min video on youtube on how extinction burst works

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqHfEJt1ZV4

Common Trap: Remember, you don't want to inadvertently give them intermittent reinforcement to dysregulated behavior. This is easy to do, and once established extremely difficult to unlearn.

Intermittent reinforcement: slot machines use this. They pay out on irregular schedules. You never know when you will win, but you know that if you keep pulling the handle that sooner or later a pay out will occur. It may happen on the third pull or the twentieth pull, but you will win if you keep trying. The fact that you KNOW that you will eventually win, keeps you hooked into trying.

What does this mean? If you tell your partner that you won't answer the phone while at work, and they call you 20 times, and you answer on the 21st attempt, you have just inadvertantly given them intermittent reinforcement. Now they know that if they bug you enough, that you will always eventually respond. This actually escalates the behavior you are trying to stop. They believe they can win if they just keep pulling the lever, even if they go broke trying, they will keep at it. The more irregular and unpredictable your response to them, the more they will keep trying. It is the combination of hoping they will get their way and not knowing when it will happen that keeps them trying.

How to discourage dysregulated behavior.?

Consistency in not responding is the only way to discourage undesired behavior... .

Your partner has to learn that  when you say no, that you mean no.  Any hint of weakness is a reward, encouraging him/her to continue trying.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extinction_%28psychology%29#Extinction_burst