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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: "You hate me," "I bet you hate me,"  (Read 1239 times)
TitaniumPhoebe

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 49



« on: April 27, 2014, 05:17:41 PM »

wow, the guy I just stopped seeing used to text me all the time "You hate me," "I bet you hate me," "You probably hate me," etc.  I can't count how many times he did it! He also would say things like "You're going to leave me for a rich man," over and over.  Well, I left him because he was driving me nuts.  No rich man (or any other man) in the picture now.  He blamed it all on text miscommunication but I don't see how you can miscommunicate THAT much.  I've never told him in any form that he hates me or is going to leave me for X, Y, Z, and certainly didn't tell him "f*** off" like he told me because he seemed to get mad I wasn't realizing he spent 5 hours researching hotels and wasn't talking about what he wanted to talk about, i. e. (I think) worshiping him for setting up a nice hotel.  I guess. I dunno. I got tired of trying to read his mind because it made no sense.

And my ex-husband used to always accuse me of flirting and even cheating, said I sent naked pictures to a guy (a guy I wasn't interested in before I was with my ex-husband and am still not interested in after!)  He accused me of wanting to be a prostitute and told people I would cheat on him for the right price after we got into a ridiculous argument about whether it's okay to have sex with another person for $100 million. I told him I'd be pissed if he turned down the $100 million and he was furious. Like really, the chances of that happening are like, well, 1 in 100 million, and it's utterly absurd.  He accused me of cheating even though I hardly have a sex drive. 
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going places
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 835



« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2014, 07:08:39 AM »

My soon to be EX LOVES to text.

Because he is devious and weak.

Texting makes him feel like a kid passing notes at school. Sneaky, exciting, daring, etc.

Plus, he can 'erase' what he says, so he can lie about what he's doing.

OR

He can avoid real conversations.

If he thinks for one second he will not 'get his way' he will only communicate via text.

He will not talk about it face to face.

It is SO MUCH easier to lie, or play tough guy via text, and it's easier to just put your phone in your drawer and ignore it, rather than resolve an issue.

I will never, ever communicate with a person I am in a relationship with, via text, ever again.
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Banshee
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 210



« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2014, 11:36:25 AM »

My exbf ALWAYS text and ask  after we broke up the first time " do you hate me?" "Please don't hate me" I thought that was such a harsh word .

When we were together getting along fine I would get a text just out of the blue where he would ask me " Are you tired of me yet?"

If I text I love you he would text back  HOW MUCH?

After out second break up I would ask why he was so distant, everytime he would text back " I don't hate you and I'm not mad at you"

Strange thing is I got use to that and thought it was normal after awhile.


Excerpt
I will never, ever communicate with a person I am in a relationship with, via text, ever again.

Mine didn't like to text about what he called important things... (that would mean a disagreement) but that was because by phone he could talk over me and have control over the conversation... I could never speak, if I did I was cut off and he would talk louder... it was awful,he would get so loud I couldn't understand him.
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Lion Fire
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« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2014, 11:54:10 AM »

I got "you don't love me" and "all I wanted was for you to love me" on many many occasions. Usually by text. Yes, my ex loved a one way textathon  Smiling (click to insert in post). She would bombard me with texts, especially leading up to us getting together (lovebombs) and when we were breaking up (unbelievable insults in essay form without punctuations and typos all over the place). i would wake up to a mountain of texts sent all through the night.
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2014, 12:49:31 PM »

My exbf always said, "You probably hate me," "I'm sure you hate me," "I'm sure you'll get tired of me," "I'm sure you're upset," etc. Look, out your back door -- it's the Thought Police! 

He was always saying that I would leave him, too. The reasons for that would change, but the fear and projection remained.

Part of this, I'm sure, was his projection of his own self-loathing ("I hate myself, so she must hate me". Part may have been recognition of his sh#tty behavior ("She has every right to be upset". Part was probably constantly looking for reassurance and validation ("Tell me you need me, FFS!".

Mine didn't like to text about what he called important things... (that would mean a disagreement) but that was because by phone he could talk over me and have control over the conversation... I could never speak, if I did I was cut off and he would talk louder... it was awful,he would get so loud I couldn't understand him.

Mine, too! I actually preferred text to phone calls or in-person discussions on what he also liked to call "important issues," because otherwise I would be struggling to follow and make any sense of what was going on... . plus I couldn't get a word in edgewise, either.
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willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2014, 01:00:55 PM »

I would get the same but in reverse. Mine was 'Why can't you be nice to me', 're you going to be nice to me' 'dont be mean to me'. There was the odd 'you just think I'm a crazy f#coming b#tch' thrown in for good measure. I asked her to stop doing this a million times. I told her it hurt me when she said this because it implied that I wasn't being nice to her (I was always nice to her... . I even said this in a nice way). Her reply was always 'well, I just want you to be nice to me'. And around in circles it goes. Part if the abusive cycle. Blaming someone for how they feel about themselves.
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drv3006
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Posts: 234



« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2014, 01:35:21 PM »

WOW.  I go all of that.  You hate me, you hate me.   All day.  200 text sometimes in a dayand then say I was the one who only would communicate by text.  I have to say towards the end that was true.   Cause he never would shut up on the phone and I literally would have to spend hours hearing him talk about how awful I was and describing me exactly how he was acting.   Sometimes I would put the phone down and just let him go on and on.   He would blow up the text with awful thing, blow up my cell phone with awful things and then my home phone answering machine.  Why would I want to talk to him.   I particularly relate to the part where you say.  "I left him because he drove me 'nuts'"  AMEN.  So why do I feel so guilty and miss him.   Ha.
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Banshee
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 210



« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2014, 01:35:54 PM »

Excerpt
I would get the same but in reverse. Mine was 'Why can't you be nice to me', 're you going to be nice to me' 'dont be mean to me'

 GOT THIS ALL THE TIME

It would come at the oddest times too... . I could text something as simple as Me I'm exhausted from shopping but it's a beautiful day!

His response... "be nice to me"

Me:Can we go get pizza later?

Him: "don't be mean to me."

It really was crazy making

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Ihope2
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 318



« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2014, 02:19:17 AM »

Maybe this is one of the most common projections used by someone with BPD.  My soon to be ex BPDh used this so often.

"I know you hate me".  "I know you think I am a bad person".  He even thought that I had involved the police in our divorce, because I think he is such a dangerous and bad person!

It is a very unsettling thing when someone suggests that you might hate them.  Any reasonable person will immediately wonder "Why do they say such a thing? What are they hiding from me?".  Very unsettling and confusing.

This is projection in action:  they hate themselves, so they split it off and project it onto someone else. It is easier to deal with someone else hating me, then when I hate myself... .
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