I reached out... she said never contact me again

[cosmonaut]

So, I guess I had to stick my hand in the fire.  I called her this weekend and she didn't answer.  I left a voicemail that I thought was very friendly.  Saying that I wanted to support her and I don't hold anything against her.  That I understand she needs to work on herself right now and I really do support her in that.  That I wanted her to be healthy and well long before we dated and I want that still.  That I know our relationship is over, but hope that someday maybe we can try again even while I have no expectations.  I filled her in a bit on what's been going on with me and asked how she's doing.

Well, today I got the response:  "This relationship is over.  Don't ever contact me again."   And that's all she wrote, folks.

I am, as you can imagine, crushed.  The callousness and coldness really is beyond all belief.  You guys were so right: no contact is the only solution.  I wish I had listened.  I guess I had to learn the hard way... .

To those of you who are just starting on this trail of tears: don't look back!  Go no contact and never look back!

[GuiltHaunted]

So sorry for you, I know exactly how you must be feeling.

How long was it since your previous interaction?

[cosmonaut]

Thanks, GH.  It's been 3 months - since the night she broke up with me for no reason she could explain.  She said to keep in touch, I still love you, we can be friends, blah, blah blah.  Lies and lies.  She didn't mean a word of it.  I have tried reaching out 3 or 4 times now with no response until now.  If there was any lingering doubts I had about BPD, they just got erased.

[Split black]

That ___ sux bro. Rejection makes the person seem all that much more as well. You absolutely dont realize this yet... . but you have read it, and you have read a billion testimonials by now... . but whats happened is real. Take reality for what it is.

The sooner you kick this girl to the curb FOREVER, the sooner you give up hope for crumbs of affection... . the faster you will open up a space for someone worthy to enter. I know you dont want to hear that but its true.

I am a total advocate for jumping right back into the game. I dont care if your mind is a light years away its a distraction, and it builds confidence. Go out with other women if you have not done so already. Go on a dating site... . some people say wait and grieve and mourn the relationship... . naaaa

You have been used and manipulated and cheated on and discarded by someone who will make everyone she comes in contact with ultimately miserable. Do not give her the satisfaction of your tears. Find some grit, get back up off the ground... . and get on with our life without her in it.

[cosmonaut]

The sooner you kick this girl to the curb FOREVER, the sooner you give up hope for crumbs of affection... . the faster you will open up a space for someone worthy to enter. I know you dont want to hear that but its true.

I am a believer now.  Preach on, brother!  May God help me, I will never contact her again.  I just want to forget her... .

Edit:  You guys were SO, SO, SO right.  I am such a fool.  Guess that's what happens when you poke the dragon... .

[coolioqq]

The sooner you kick this girl to the curb FOREVER, the sooner you give up hope for crumbs of affection... . the faster you will open up a space for someone worthy to enter. I know you dont want to hear that but its true.

I am a believer now.  Preach on, brother!  May God help me, I will never contact her again.  I just want to forget her... .

Edit:  You guys were SO, SO, SO right.  I am such a fool.  Guess that's what happens when you poke the dragon... .

Don't be hard on yourself bro  . You did an honorable thing, reached out humbly and in a supportive manner. She responded in a way fitting of her personality. You got your answer. You move on. Difficult but simple. Simple things are not easy!

[Split black]

The sooner you kick this girl to the curb FOREVER, the sooner you give up hope for crumbs of affection... . the faster you will open up a space for someone worthy to enter. I know you dont want to hear that but its true.

I am a believer now.  Preach on, brother!  May God help me, I will never contact her again.  I just want to forget her... .

Edit:  You guys were SO, SO, SO right.  I am such a fool.  Guess that's what happens when you poke the dragon... .

No man, you are not a fool... . if you are so is everyone else on this board thats had to suck up the same abuse. You are not lower for having feelings for someone not capable of returning them. If she was a non, and this was a normal case of being dumped so be it. But its not... . thats a hard thing to accept because on the surface those good times, the sex blah blah were intoxicating and addicting. Forget that ___. Shes gonna live a miserable horrible life bouncing cock hoping all over the place until shes old and nasty... . then she will try to seduce younger guys... .   you have no idea... . WE have no idea how lucky we are. Think of some of the people on this board that either didnt know or could not extract themselves from their relationships... . had kids that are suffering, and have spent uncounted years living in a war zone.

[RickLI]

I'm thinking about the same thing and contacting my ex. He is about to go on a vacation that I helped plan. He's going with two other couples... . so I have this weird hope that he will feel like a 5th wheel and they will talk sense into him (they all know me). But, I really think that will NOT happen. I texted him 10 days ago asking for some stuff back, he didn't respond. Just sent it to my old address.

I really hope I just stick to my guns of NC, cause the other option is me punching myself in the face again.

[Banshee]

Well, today I got the response:  "This relationship is over.  Don't ever contact me again."   And that's all she wrote, folks.

That is so heartbreaking that I have no words... I am soo sorry you deserve so much better than that... just wow... i would be afraid I would get hit by a bolt of lightening if i said such a thing to someone.

[Emelie Emelie]

You're not a fool.  You're a human being who is hurting and missing someone and trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation.  From your perspective your message was kind and supportive.  From a BPD perspective I'm not so sure.  "She needs to work on herself."  "I don't hold anything against her."  What she may have heard is "you're f'ed up and you were terrible but I'll forgive you".  That's what I'm finally beginning to understand.  They interpret things very, very differently than we do.  My xBF ended the rs.  I wanted to try and work it out.  But he is very hurt and intensely angry at me.  There is a wonderful woman on these boards who has become a very supportive friend to me who is really helping me to understand this.  He is angry at me because I let him down... . I wasn't who he needed me to be.  I didn't make everything better in his life (which be believed would happen if we got back together).  He is hurting because I ruined his fantasy.  He has lost another dream and another rs.  And it's all my fault.  He's directing all that anger and disappointment at me.  It doesn't matter what I did or did not do.  What matters is I couldn't take away all his pain and loneliness and insecurity and self-loathing.  That is my failing.  

It is so hard not to take this stuff personally.  Understanding it doesn't take the pain away but it helps a little bit.

[Banshee]

You're not a fool.  You're a human being who is hurting and missing someone and trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation.  From your perspective your message was kind and supportive.  From a BPD perspective I'm not so sure.  "She needs to work on herself."  "I don't hold anything against her."  What she may have heard is "you're f'ed up and you were terrible but I'll forgive you".  That's what I'm finally beginning to understand.  They interpret things very, very differently than we do.  My xBF ended the rs.  I wanted to try and work it out.  But he is very hurt and intensely angry at me.  There is a wonderful woman on these boards who has become a very supportive friend to me who is really helping me to understand this.  He is angry at me because I let him down... . I wasn't who he needed me to be.  I didn't make everything better in his life (which be believed would happen if we got back together).  He is hurting because I ruined his fantasy.  He has lost another dream and another rs.  And it's all my fault.  He's directing all that anger and disappointment at me.  It doesn't matter what I did or did not do.  What matters is I couldn't take away all his pain and loneliness and insecurity and self-loathing.  That is my failing. 

It is so hard not to take this stuff personally.  Understanding it doesn't take the pain away but it helps a little bit.

Absolutley   This.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

That is brutal man!   Seriously... if my ex did what you just did... . I would feel grateful and happy he cared.

What you did is something a nice/loving man would do. Don't beat yourself up or let it bruise your ego. What you did is admirable... allowing oneself to become humble is a beautiful thing. She was just unworthy of your care, love and support. I'm with split black... . eventually... . she is going to get old... and she'll be alone. Its a sad fact that it is harder for women in the dating game as they age a lot of times. (no offense to the ladies! but old women with baggage that treat you like crap don't get a lot of game)

I think a lot of BPD women (I have a female friend who is also one I attract them like crazy!... but she's been in therapy for years) mess around thinking their beauty will get them whomever they want... One day that will certainly end for them.

You are a sweet guy... . there are plenty of beautiful/intelligent women out there who would LOVE the fact that you are humble, caring, loving sweet and that you are capable of empathy and deep commitment.

It is seriously her loss.

[cosmonaut]

Thanks, everyone.  I really need the support right now.  I just got back from the gym and worked out some frustration on the heavy bag.  I feel a little better, but my mind is still just reeling.  I hadn't expected a really positive response where she said she made a huge mistake and wants me back or anything, but I sure hadn't expected what I got.   So, I guess this is what split completely black means.

Don't be hard on yourself bro  . You did an honorable thing, reached out humbly and in a supportive manner. She responded in a way fitting of her personality. You got your answer. You move on. Difficult but simple. Simple things are not easy!

Yes, I got my answer.  It's not the one I wanted, but it's not completely unexpected either.  She got triggered by who knows what and that was the end of that.  I need to detach - completely.   You're right: simple but hard.

No man, you are not a fool... . if you are so is everyone else on this board thats had to suck up the same abuse. You are not lower for having feelings for someone not capable of returning them. If she was a non, and this was a normal case of being dumped so be it. But its not... . thats a hard thing to accept because on the surface those good times, the sex blah blah were intoxicating and addicting. Forget that ___. Shes gonna live a miserable horrible life bouncing cock hoping all over the place until shes old and nasty... . then she will try to seduce younger guys... .   you have no idea... . WE have no idea how lucky we are. Think of some of the people on this board that either didnt know or could not extract themselves from their relationships... . had kids that are suffering, and have spent uncounted years living in a war zone.

Yes, I suppose in a way I'm one of the lucky ones.  We didn't get married and we didn't have kids.  It's scary how close we came though.  I would have married her in a heartbeat.  We had been seriously discussing it before she dysregulated and went dark on me.  I had been saving for a ring.  I really would have done it.  Wow... .

I'm thinking about the same thing and contacting my ex. He is about to go on a vacation that I helped plan. He's going with two other couples... . so I have this weird hope that he will feel like a 5th wheel and they will talk sense into him (they all know me). But, I really think that will NOT happen. I texted him 10 days ago asking for some stuff back, he didn't respond. Just sent it to my old address.

I really hope I just stick to my guns of NC, cause the other option is me punching myself in the face again.

Stick to your guns, Rick.  There is a reason that no contact is overwhelmingly advised in these situations.  The chance of any positive outcome is extremely low.  In all likelihood you will just end up even further rejected and discarded.  We have to remember that they have a very serious disorder.  They don't think the same way we do.  Hang in there.  I know very well how much it hurts and how much you must miss him.   

Well, today I got the response:  "This relationship is over.  Don't ever contact me again."   And that's all she wrote, folks.

That is so heartbreaking that I have no words... I am soo sorry you deserve so much better than that... just wow... i would be afraid I would get hit by a bolt of lightening if i said such a thing to someone.

Thanks, Banshee.  I was pretty much speechless too.  She can be so unbelievably cold sometimes, although this is pretty much a new low.  Thanks for the support.   

You're not a fool.  You're a human being who is hurting and missing someone and trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation.  From your perspective your message was kind and supportive.  From a BPD perspective I'm not so sure.  "She needs to work on herself."  "I don't hold anything against her."  What she may have heard is "you're f'ed up and you were terrible but I'll forgive you".  That's what I'm finally beginning to understand.  They interpret things very, very differently than we do.  My xBF ended the rs.  I wanted to try and work it out.  But he is very hurt and intensely angry at me.  There is a wonderful woman on these boards who has become a very supportive friend to me who is really helping me to understand this.  He is angry at me because I let him down... . I wasn't who he needed me to be.  I didn't make everything better in his life (which be believed would happen if we got back together).  He is hurting because I ruined his fantasy.  He has lost another dream and another rs.  And it's all my fault.  He's directing all that anger and disappointment at me.  It doesn't matter what I did or did not do.  What matters is I couldn't take away all his pain and loneliness and insecurity and self-loathing.  That is my failing. 

It is so hard not to take this stuff personally.  Understanding it doesn't take the pain away but it helps a little bit.

This is really insightful, Emelie.  I can see what you mean about how she could misinterpret what I said.  pwBPD really can interpret things in ways we can't even imagine they will.  It makes me doubt just how effective validation can be.  Sooner or later, even our best attempts at validation will be seen as more invalidation.  It's just maddening.   Such a tragic disorder.

I am still not sure why my ex ended our relationship.  She couldn't even seem to understand her own feelings.  She just kept saying that she's really messed up and she has to work on her.  All my attempts to be supportive, to try and work things out with us, to try and give her some space and see where we are in a few months were rejected.  She was leaving and she wasn't changing her mind... . and she couldn't explain why.  But she was sure.   Maybe it was that I couldn't make everything all better too.  For the first year of our relationship, I did.  I took care of almost everything for her.  In all honesty, I took on way more of her problems than was healthy.  Things changed once I lost my job and was out of work for a few months, though.  Somehow, I think that was seen as abandoning her or something.  Things were never quite the same after that.  Maybe she felt that I had failed her because I couldn't be the white knight anymore - I couldn't save her from everything.  It's an interesting point.   Thanks for sharing that.   I'm very sorry to hear about things with your ex too.  Have you had any further contact?

That is brutal man!   Seriously... if my ex did what you just did... . I would feel grateful and happy he cared.

What you did is something a nice/loving man would do. Don't beat yourself up or let it bruise your ego. What you did is admirable... allowing oneself to become humble is a beautiful thing. She was just unworthy of your care, love and support. I'm with split black... . eventually... . she is going to get old... and she'll be alone. Its a sad fact that it is harder for women in the dating game as they age a lot of times. (no offense to the ladies! but old women with baggage that treat you like crap don't get a lot of game)

I think a lot of BPD women (I have a female friend who is also one I attract them like crazy!... but she's been in therapy for years) mess around thinking their beauty will get them whomever they want... One day that will certainly end for them.

You are a sweet guy... . there are plenty of beautiful/intelligent women out there who would LOVE the fact that you are humble, caring, loving sweet and that you are capable of empathy and deep commitment.

It is seriously her loss.

Thanks, HBR.  That's really kind of you.  I do feel that my ex has been horribly unfair to me.  I did love her with all my heart and I gave her everything I had.  I held nothing back from her.  And this is how she reciprocates.  My ex is definitely beautiful and she will have no trouble finding a replacement.  Maybe she already has.  It wouldn't surprise me.  I was warned by her own mother when I started dating her that my ex has burned every bridge she's ever had.  Somehow, I didn't listen to that or all the other red flags.    I guess, like most of us here, I thought I was different.  I believed everything she said about how special our relationship was.  How special I was.  I didn't know a thing about BPD until the relationship was over.  This has been a very painful learning experience.  I suppose it has brought to light many of my own issues with codependency.  I know I had to address those.  Thanks for your very kind words.   

[RickLI]

Thanks cosmonaut. Even my therapist has advised no contact at all. She is very worried that he will contact me, she knows how vulnerable I am. I just keep thinking, there is NO way on Earth he would dare contact me. He has told all his friends how I was verbally abusive (I called him a bi%tch one time), has blocked me on FB and I can just feel the anger even though I am not near him. Move out day was just amazing. To see someone who loved you so much, filled with so much hate. Just shocking.

But, yeah. I just cannot see him ever reaching out to me. So I kinda feel safe there.

[Mutt]

I am a total advocate for jumping right back into the game. I dont care if your mind is a light years away its a distraction, and it builds confidence. Go out with other women if you have not done so already. Go on a dating site... . some people say wait and grieve and mourn the relationship... . naaaa

Rebound relationships - coping mechanism.

What are some of the  feelings we can identify with after the loss of a relationship?

I can name: emotional vulnerability, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, anger. Some people deal with  these emotions by covering them up in new relationships.

You are bringing your negative personality traits into the next relationship. It's taking the easy way out. It's not fair to the next person and yourself. I'm not an advocate of this, identify the issues that you brought into this relationship and learn.

[Emelie Emelie]

Mutt:  I'll add to that list - fear!

[TwoCents]

You were brave to put your feelings on the line.  Don't let anyone take from you that optimism that it can work.  Say your peace and be proud for trying.  You are the bigger person for having kept the possibility for healthy communication and connection alive.

Proud of you.

[seeking balance]

  I left a voicemail that I thought was very friendly.

One thing I have learned on these boards is that once the relationships get to the point we find ourselves on this board, what we think and what our ex's think are usually two very different realities... .

I am, as you can imagine, crushed.  The callousness and coldness really is beyond all belief.  You guys were so right: no contact is the only solution.  I wish I had listened.  I guess I had to learn the hard way... .

Ah, we are not done until we are done - as others have said, be easy on yourself right now.  You tried one last time - you can look in the mirror now and let go, nothing wrong with wanting to try again.

I hadn't expected a really positive response where she said she made a huge mistake and wants me back or anything, but I sure hadn't expected what I got.   

I think this is one of those times where no matter what answer you got - you were going to feel a bunch of different emotions... . going into the rabbit hole again even by choice comes with a lot of emotional energy, friends not friends, back to a relationship - it is all a lot of energy really.

Yes, I suppose in a way I'm one of the lucky ones.  We didn't get married and we didn't have kids.  It's scary how close we came though.  I would have married her in a heartbeat.  We had been seriously discussing it before she dysregulated and went dark on me.  I had been saving for a ring.  I really would have done it.  Wow... .

Cosmonaut - just because you dodged a bullet legally, doesn't make this all hurt any less - it is sad and you don't have to compare your story to anyone else - it is ok to be sad, you loved her man.   

This is really insightful, Emelie.  I can see what you mean about how she could misinterpret what I said.  pwBPD really can interpret things in ways we can't even imagine they will.  It makes me doubt just how effective validation can be.  Sooner or later, even our best attempts at validation will be seen as more invalidation.  It's just maddening.   Such a tragic disorder.

Make no mistake, the work it takes to really learn the tools, detach and boundaries is the same amount of effort it takes to really grieve the relationship - I have said before, if you go back - understand you have to fundamentally change too... . there is no easy way in these relationships whether we stay or go - it takes a lot of work.

  In all honesty, I took on way more of her problems than was healthy. 

I did this too, and I wrongly thought when it I needed a bit of the same compassion I had given - my ex was done too.  This hurts deeply and feels very unfair - I am sorry you had to go through this.

I did love her with all my heart and I gave her everything I had.  I held nothing back from her. 

I know you did Cosmonaut and I know this all feels crazy, over-whelming, unfair and frankly sucks.  You are not alone in going through this and you honestly will be ok with some time and tears.  Focusing on you, your emotions and healing - putting YOU first is the kindest thing you can do for YOU.

We are here - you are not alone in all this.

Peace,

SB

[23tesla]

I've been there and my story is really no different from anyone. I don't need to detail everything I did (a lot! like you), and the way in which the breakup occurred (probably completely whacked, like you).

I am a professor and she was, too, in the same department. Post breakup, I endured years of silent treatment, stonewalled projects, her enlisting fellow colleagues in smear campaigns against me, and to top it off, harassment charges that I had to deflect. The trigger, like you, was asking for some reconciliation, closure, dialog to address all the why's that never made any sense. And I imagine, like you, it was probably the most raw and honest thing you've ever said to another person. I originally wrote "conversation" in the previous sentence, but I don't think a conversation occurred.

Thank goodness that I had rank and tenure to protect me during those dark times. I can't say thank goodness that I didn't lose my mind, I am quite sure I did, probably more times than I want to remember.

Like many of her other spontaneous acts, two weeks before the new semester started, she took a two year leave of absence from her tenured job, left from Canada to the USA to join and eventually elope with another professor at other university, I don't wish to know the details.

Fast forward nearly two years: She could be coming back. All I think about is that I need to be as far away as possible from ground-zero of her drama and the very extreme threat of harm to me and my career. She is radioactive.

Like you, my brain is still full of so many dichotomies. Every day, I walk past places that share the most beautiful and horrific memories of my life. Most of the time I keep on walking. Sometimes, when I need to, I stop and I don't think about it, I just experience everything unfiltered and unsorted. Like being in front of a wall of TVs each playing a different channel. I look at all of them and I look at none of them at the same time. And then I start walking again.

I have nightmares, and they can pretty bad. There are still times when I feel like I'm on the verge of shutting down. Or I am under siege from a threat that isn't there. One day it will all stop, and I will never think about again. I'm patient. While that's all true, in another random moment, I realize just how happy I am.

My friends and family who were supportive: I tell them how much they mean to me. I believe that powerful words are never wasted on the right people.

A favorite quote of mine... .

When you come out of the storm

You won’t be the same person that walked in

That’s what the storm is all about  -- Haruki Murakami

[Emelie Emelie]

23tesla:  What a terrible story.  I am very sorry for everything you've gone through.  Every time I think I've heard it all with these relationships I read something new that shocks me.  I hope she doesn't come back.  If she does how do you think you will handle it?  Both personally and with your colleagues? 

[cosmonaut]

One thing I have learned on these boards is that once the relationships get to the point we find ourselves on this board, what we think and what our ex's think are usually two very different realities... .

I think you are so right about that.  There has obviously been this secret world my ex lives inside herself that I never was able to see clearly.  As well as I knew her, there were walls I never could break through.  I only glimpsed it in reflections and shadows as from the corner of my eye.  By the time I turned my head and looked, the curtain was already back in place.  There are things I still can't understand.  I guess I never will.

In the 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck, Belief 2 is "Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel".  In that section, it says very much what you are saying too: 'When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.  Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.'  I have pretty much known this for months now, but last night has put the final exclamation mark on it.  It's still crazy to think that the same things could be seen so different by two people.  Rashomon to the n-th degree.

I know you did Cosmonaut and I know this all feels crazy, over-whelming, unfair and frankly sucks.  You are not alone in going through this and you honestly will be ok with some time and tears.  Focusing on you, your emotions and healing - putting YOU first is the kindest thing you can do for YOU.

We are here - you are not alone in all this.

Thanks, SB.  I really do appreciate your support and everyone's' here.  I am trying to focus on me and work through this.  To eventually move on and put this painful experience firmly in the past.   

[cosmonaut]

I am a professor and she was, too, in the same department. Post breakup, I endured years of silent treatment, stonewalled projects, her enlisting fellow colleagues in smear campaigns against me, and to top it off, harassment charges that I had to deflect. The trigger, like you, was asking for some reconciliation, closure, dialog to address all the why's that never made any sense. And I imagine, like you, it was probably the most raw and honest thing you've ever said to another person. I originally wrote "conversation" in the previous sentence, but I don't think a conversation occurred.

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about all this that your ex has put your through.  :'(  My ex has, fortunately, not done anything to jeopardize my reputation or employment.  She's just been ice cold, distant, and almost completely silent.  I've heard this called the ":)etached Protector" mode of BPD.  This, of course, from a woman who had sworn she would love me forever, she would never give up on me, I was her soulmate, I was a dream come true, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseam.  I can't even imagine how awful it must feel to have all of that to deal with and then have character assassination, smear campaigns, and risks to your livelihood added to the mix.  Do you have anyone to talk through things with?  A therapist or even a close friend or family member?  I am blessed with a really good therapist who has been a Godsend in trying to navigate this mess.  This forum has also been wonderful, and I have learned so very much about BPD and BPD relationships from it.

Fast forward nearly two years: She could be coming back. All I think about is that I need to be as far away as possible from ground-zero of her drama and the very extreme threat of harm to me and my career. She is radioactive.

Yikes!  Do you have any way to shield yourself from her?  Can you find a new position?  I know mobility is a problem for many tenured professors, so maybe finding a new employer isn't realistic.  Still, I hope you can find some way to not have to deal with her anymore.  She's caused plenty enough damage for one lifetime already.

Like you, my brain is still full of so many dichotomies. Every day, I walk past places that share the most beautiful and horrific memories of my life. Most of the time I keep on walking. Sometimes, when I need to, I stop and I don't think about it, I just experience everything unfiltered and unsorted. Like being in front of a wall of TVs each playing a different channel. I look at all of them and I look at none of them at the same time. And then I start walking again.

I have the same problem: everything reminds me of my ex.  I live in a world haunted by her ghosts.  I am trying to put them to rest.  It's hard.  I thought that I had found the woman of my dreams.  I thought we would be together forever.  When any relationship ends, it is very hard and there is a grieving period.  With BPD involved, it is somehow so much harder.  I was in a near decade long relationship with another woman that we ended before I met my ex.  My ex ex (ex before my latest BPDex), had met when we were almost really teenagers.  We were very close, but there were issues that could never be resolved, and we realized that we had become two very different people than the kids who had started things.  It was very hard to leave her, but the pain of that relationship was just an infinitesimal nothing compared to the pain of this latest break up.  I never thought I was the type to fall apart over something like this.   It's rocked my world.  Hang in there, Tesla.  This is an experience like no other... .

I have nightmares, and they can pretty bad. There are still times when I feel like I'm on the verge of shutting down. Or I am under siege from a threat that isn't there. One day it will all stop, and I will never think about again. I'm patient. While that's all true, in another random moment, I realize just how happy I am.

This sounds like textbook PTSD.  From all that I understand, it's fairly common in the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  It's the reason sites like this one exist.  These bonds are incredibly loaded, and they can be very traumatic to break.  The relationship itself can often be extremely toxic and can leave scars and traumas of its own.  Do you have a therapist you could talk to to work on the PTSD?  It might really help.

My friends and family who were supportive: I tell them how much they mean to me. I believe that powerful words are never wasted on the right people.

That is wonderful to have people that you can depend on for support, especially now.  Lean on them now.  Let them carry you for a bit if you need it.  You have been through a very damaging experience.  Someday you can return the favor to them when they need the support.

A favorite quote of mine... .

When you come out of the storm

You won’t be the same person that walked in

That’s what the storm is all about  -- Haruki Murakami

That's a good quote.  Yes, I expect I will never be the same from this experience.  It has left it's mark.  Hopefully, I can learn some valuable lessons too, however, and ultimately be the better for having survived this storm.  I pray the same for you too.

Keep posting and 

[23tesla]

Cosmonaut: I am truly sorry for the ice+everything that you've endured. A typical person caught in an atypical situation. Your honesty and willingness to share in this thread helped me a lot.  This board is so empowering.

The harassment allegations triggered a response from the administration. At the initial meeting with the administration, I came in white-flagged, ready to capitulate in every way. The meeting started off with the Dean saying "Are you happy". I replied "Yes, in fact, I am the happiest I've ever been [true because I was out of the fog]”. He then said, “Well, sometimes, we say that we are happy on the outside but we are unhappy on the inside. Are you unhappy on the inside?”. After that exchange, I went nearly silent, as I know I was just being prodded into saying something incriminating that they could use.

Ulitmiately, there was arestraining order against me only or mutual-NC towards both of us, I'm not sure as I was not privy to what they did to her. I know that I was forced to see a T of their choosing and submit all medical records and a transcript from that person. I couldn’t risk a T in their pocket.  I hired a very expensive lawyer and negotiated down the administration's demands to me seeing a T of *my* choosing for six months (I had been seeing that T for two years previous to document the chilly climate that I had to endure and more importantly, for my own sanity - after all, my brain is my job and I have to protect it). At the end of the six months, my T wrote a terse letter to the administration saying I played well with others and that was that.

While the harassment allegations were occurring, she had a friend state to my union that I was potentially violent. My union never followed up and buried it. That friend is all chummy with me again. So two-faced. It doesn’t matter, I’ll take friendly over unfriendly if it means my day goes smoother.

Early on, she and that same friend began to complain to human rights about me. Human Rights was savvy enough to know that there was more to the story. Early on, she was supposed to give a talk at our professors-only colloquium and I was to give the talk the following month. Two days before her talk, she called human rights and said that if showed up at departmental colloquium, she wouldn't give her seminar. Obviously, I had to comply. It broke my heart as two years before that, I paid for us to attend a conference. Based on a experience we shared at the conference, I had written a powerful nomination letter to a university panel that ultimately resulted in her winning University's biggest academic award. To think that for a long time, I was her biggest advocate and now I was in room after room of HR people, defending myself.

During the better times, I edited and typeset a lengthy laboratory manual with her and gave her the master file. Now in the bad times, not only did she strike my name off the front cover but also the minor credits inside. That's angry ! She couldn’t ever bear to see my name in print.

I tried to jump faculties and departments but it begs a lot of q's to the senior admin when a senior faculty member does that. It would probably do me more harm than good. As it stands, she's gone, and I'm thriving again, and that's all that matters.

She played the waif very well to me and a lot of people. She still does, I imagine. But if she comes back, I could request the reinstatment of the mutual restraining order. But I have a new incoming Dean from a different university and I want to start fresh with him. I don’t want to be seen as a trouble maker. I can stay out of harm's way.

Sometimes, I feel so exhausted. Although, when she disappeared from my life, a lot of other people populated it, in return. I dared to give to them, and received a lot in exchange. Reciprocity lives !

My cure was to expand my own interests and meet any people as I could. I didn't do it with the expectation of finding a new partner, though after four years, it sure would be nice. A lot of us like to give and I don't think there is anything wrong with that, in good measure. But I'm more selective now, and I reap the rewards for that.

Oh no, another long post. But I know the folks on this board enough, that’s it’s okay.

Thank you again, comrade Cosmonaut. I wish you peace.

[cosmonaut]

Your ex has certainly put you through the wringer, tesla.  You really think things will be alright if she does return?  I hope she doesn't.  I think that would be the best for you, but if she does do you think you will be able to protect yourself?

I think you are doing the best thing possible to move on in meeting new people.  Even if you aren't dating, just finding a new circle of friends and a new support network is very, very positive.  I'm glad to hear it's been helping, too.  That's a huge step.

Thanks for your sharing and your support, tesla.  I wish you peace too.  This board is indeed very empowering. Keep posting.   

[23tesla]

I've probably gone out on 10-15 dates in the last few years, I've lost track. Continuously with one person for a few months. So I do try to find a new partner.

I'm athletic and I'm running a half marathon this coming weekend. Really by every metric things are going my way. I travel the world and I adore my research group. So so lucky.

She was on sabbatical when things went really crazy. The no contact order was one year long and expired in July 2012. She was only back on campus six weeks before she took a leave in Aug 2012. You can probably imagine that I was on eggshells from about Feb-July 2012 wondering what the administration was going to do when she came back the first time. Okay, I wasn't on eggshells, I was complete nervous wreck.

I suppose I could assert my own human rights and request that the original NC order be renewed for another year. She would have no choice but to comply. I feel doing nothing is the safest, least provocative choice for now.

My story is the story of many people: Once I met someone who love at first sight, she became my friend and confidante for eight years before we became a couple for about a year or so. The weirdness started about eight months into the relationship and while I was aware that something was not quite right and said as much, the demonization of me probably started a lot earlier. I don't know what changed her mind, it was amazing until it wasn't. Now, I realize that we were living two completely different narratives.

During our relationship, I discovered that she was on SSRIs, suffered from anxiety, insomnia, migraines, was agoraphobic and afraid to drive on freeways. She once sent me one of those depression questionnaires by e-mail asking what I scored. I said single digits, her reply was nearly off the charts. The unrelenting crisis was a lot for a boyfriend to cope with and understand. I became consumed, lost, in it.

[Tolou]

coso... .

You reached out, it's okay... . You needed to hear what she said, as heartbreaking as it is, it's a reminder for you to stay away, and why you were staying away to begin with, regardless of who ended it.  Detachment will take time, but you will get there.  I reached out too, all I got back was an irrational response and other things that made me sick to my stomach, I am now at almost 9 months N.C. and we work together, I haven't said a word, ignored everything, everything! Because I said what I needed too, there is no real closure with people sometimes, it's hard but maybe our closure needs to be knowing that we tried and theres was no more pain we could subject ourselves to for someones elses sake, we have to put our health first!

[23tesla]

Those are good words to remember, Tolou

[Tolou]

Yur health, mentally, physically and spiritually needs to be at peace, when not in tact, you react and say do things that are not of your true nature.  And I for me that is what comes me some guilt, because I wanted to be there, but at what caust>? When that caust is putting yourself last and towards the bottom, that now becomes a question of our own self worth in these relationships. It's one thing to put up with and tolerate certain things, but when there at your expense, and sacrifice your well-being... . that just isn't a healthy relationship, it won't work out well, it will lead towards resentment and it is unfair to both parties.  Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone, is nothing, leave them be and let them find their path, we have no control over, never did.