Was your ex always incredibly jealous?

[Jb101]

Mine basically ended any female friendships I had... she always asked accusing questions about why I had contact with them, why people would call. Eventually stopped being in contact with people. Which was funny at the end because she said I didn't have enough friends!

Makes it harder to feel normal now and meet new people.

[NickM]

Hi JB,

This was very common trait of my ex.

Jealous of everything and everyone; basically anything that takes the attention away from them. I don't think it's about fidelity or trust issues, it really boiled down to not wanting to share the attention.

Hope things get better for you!

Stay no contact.

[tholian]

My uBPDx got jealous when I talk about my sister or sister in law. She always felt I was comparing her even though I never did that. The simplest thing like "hey, you know my sis in law made a good cake yesterday". Her reply would be like "You know I can't cook rite, please don't compare me". Now I see it's all the insecurity she has within herself. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

My es was male. He would always TELL me to have sex with other people... .

Bc he wantdd to watch "that would be hot" or he wanted threesomes and group sex.

When I declined he said I was "boring."

He knew damn well that hurt me to the core

Yet he always made it clear he didnt care if I had sex with others.

I think its bc he wanted me to "prove" I didnt love him really.

A guy at a bar was talking to me and my friend said she could see the green

In his eyes... . I found that very quizzical considering he

was always trying to throw me into the bed of other people!

[AwakenedOne]

I posted this one back in April about jealousy:

Hearing you guys discussing jealousy reminds me of a wierd jealousy moment with my ex UBPD that I had forgot about.

I played a CD I like to her from a band called Lacuna Coil. I said the female singer (Cristina Scabbia) has an awesome voice and played songs to show her.

Fast forward -> The band Lacuna Coil was in town and me and some other guys saw them live in concert. My ex couldn't go that night. She accused me when I got home of having an intimate encounter with the singer, said we hooked up. Can you believe I had to defend myself on this issue for about an hour?  She kept saying this kind of stuff happens and how does she know it didn't. She never would listen to their music again.

AO

[bunnyrabit]

Mine just got it in her head that I cheated on her with some girl in our street that I hardly ever spoke with, let alone have sex with. There really wasn't any reason for her to think that and yet she would regularly go into raging mode about this supposed 'cheating' of mine.

That I put with this insanity for years... .  

[Leap]

I think this is a pretty common trait of a person with BPD and it makes sense if they feel they are not good enough.  My spouse with BPD will tell me to spend time with the kids and then get angry because I am spending time with the kids.  I might let our cat sit in my lap (which he does all the time, he is a needy cat) and she will tell me I love the cat more than her.  But like most things with someone who is a loved one of a person with BPD, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I have found this to be one of the most difficult things about being married to her.  I have also found that if you're skin isn't at least as thick as an elephant's, you won't last.  It has been a little easier lately because I have been educating myself more about the illness.  I know I have never cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with but she is convinced I have be it with a man or woman.  Whe I look at it from her perspective (as well as I am able to) it helps because she has cheated on everyone she has been with and was raised in an environment of this being pretty much the norm (her mother fits the criterion for BPD as we'll but has never been diagnosed with it).  Is it right she feels this way?  In my mind no but in hers yes.  She has also suggested swinging, open marriage, etc.  Evertime she has done this in past relationships (several times that I know of) it has blown up in her face and contributed to the end of the relationship.  I know that most "normal people" do not do this but in her mind it is common and can work and I believe she believes this.  I also remind myself she is ill and I do not cave to this because it would destroy what little is left of our marriage.  I hold on to hope and faith because I know she desires love and intimacy but doesn't know how to go about attaining it so she does what she knows.  It's unfair but it is reality.  I know she doesn't like these things about herself (she has told me many times) and wants to get better (we are hopefully going to start treatment together and separately) so things may get better.  I know I need help with dealing with the last 11 yrs whether or not we stay together or not.  But I do love her, I just don't like her behaviors.  As AA has taught me, one day at a time.  I must be realistic in my expectations and strong in my own self identity if I am going to be able to contribute to her getting better, healing and being happy because in the end, happiness for myself and my family is the ultimate goal.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

yes, VERY jealous! I was scared to even look at a man because I would be accused of flirting.  It was insane.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

Hi JB,

This was very common trait of my ex.

Jealous of everything and everyone; basically anything that takes the attention away from them. I don't think it's about fidelity or trust issues, it really boiled down to not wanting to share the attention.

Hope things get better for you!

Stay no contact.

yes, this, 100%! They don't like to not be the center of attention. Seems like he got worse on birthdays, holidays, anything where something else was the focus.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Yes Yes Yes and into eternity

This was the beginning of his painting me black and devaluations.

Unfortunately I didn't realise how much I was being manipulated and brainwashed, he made his 'reasons for being an ___' so plausible that I felt guilty for having any male friends, (despite the fact they were in existence well before I met BP).

I eventually told any friends, or even work associates that were male/female not to call or message me, and to let me get in touch with them instead, when I had rare pockets of time away from him.

By the end of 4 years with BP, most of my friends were pretty much gone, and I had to begin making new friends recently.

I am terribly wary and afraid though, plus I am often so busy running a business and tending to pets and a home that my schedule doesn't allow for much socialising.

Funnily enough I don't care that much, its nice having a drama free life.

[MrFox]

My exBPDgf was very jealous of any woman I had any interaction with.

She even seemed to be jealous of her female cat.  Anytime the cat would come to get pet or try to get into my lap, my ex got mad at the cat.  No problems with the male cat she had.

Even weirder than that was the jealousy my ex displayed towards her seven year-old daughter.  Her daughter (who she doesn't have custody of, thank god) is a great little girl and we got along very well.  It really seemed to bother my ex, to the point of her "jokingly" saying to her daughter "Are you trying to steal my man?"

[Ritchie53]

Yes, ridiculously jealous. Initially it was saying that every girl was looking at her wondering what she was doing with me etc (I had the curse of being more attractive than her... . ), eventually every girl that looked at me I was f**king behind her back, every girl who liked a status or comment was stalked, every message in my phone was read and affairs were conjured from nowhere. I do ballroom and latin dancing as a hobby, that was quickly culled, any activity where there was a female presence became a state of habitual accusations, gaslighting, projections, it really was terrible. Its good to know that many others encountered this, what makes me angry looking back is that I accomodated it where as I should have said 'Get Lost'. The beauty of hindsight.

[Ritchie53]

yes, VERY jealous! I was scared to even look at a man because I would be accused of flirting.  It was insane.

This is exactly what happened to me. And in the end I was trying to cover up potential acquaintances so not to cause drama, and that created more suspicion. Lunacy at its highest.

[sirius]

The cause of my break up with my ex was exactly like this :

One night I got a call from a stripe club that one of my buddy has gotten drunk and got into trouble there and could not pay the bill, I went there and called the number for direction and got there to settle the problem, sent my buddy back as he was drunk and came home. End of the month, the phone bill came and she called that number to find out it was a stripe club, I was split extremely black even everyone that remembered the incident that night including the bar tender who called me came forward to clarify the matter to her for me and she refused to believe and moved out the next day, accused me of cheating for the next 5 weeks untill i went NC

12 years together and this was the cause for her to leave. total absurdity

[Emelie Emelie]

Wow Sirius... . that's an incredible story.  That must have hurt a great deal.  How are you doing now?

[Octoberfest]

This isn't one of the things I remember most or that jumps out at me when I think about my BPDex... . but it happened.

Initially, there were 4 of us who were really close.  My best friend and I, his girlfriend, and then my BPDex.  The two girls became close because their boyfriends were so close.  My BPDex accused me of hooking up with my best friends girlfriend... . in reality, my BPDex made out with my best friend.

On valentines day I had an exam in a really difficult class and didn't have time to plan anything special really as I was studying.  My BPDex's best friend at the time(also her roomate), who she had met the same day as she met me, stepped up and planned out this really cool scavenger hunt that ended at the place where my BPDex and I met.  I was there with flowers to give to her, before I ran off to study more for the exam.  Later that night, after the exam was done we were all hanging out when my BPDex decided she wanted to go down to the bars with some friends of hers who were in town... . on Valentines day.  I went to pick her up a little bit later, and I was pissed off, and she started screaming at me and accusing me of cheating on her with her best friend... . who planned the Valentines day thing.  She got out of the car and walked back down to the bars.


I, like many others, ask why I stayed for so long.

[sirius]

thanks emelie   ... . because she left and that was how I found out about BPD or PD and then this place... . and then weeks later I found evidence and records of cheating dating back to 2002... . wow, a really painful wake and shocking. More to shocking than pain actually. Realising that the person that I trusted my life with and have given everything to is not the person I really know... . thats why I say, I woke up because of that.

I wonder if my buddy that eventful night did not went to the stripe club instead... . I would still be in the roller-coaster to hell.