Peacekeeping as a codependent trait

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Codependency and Codependent Relationships

A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused on the another person, they become focused on themselves, too.  Much of the love and intimacy in a codependent relationship is experienced in the context of one person’s distress and the other’s rescuing or enabling.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Hi, I'm Blissful Camper and I'm a codependent.  I came to this board from the Leaving forum.  

I had kind of an aha moment today where I identified one of my codependent traits.  I believe that my codependency is rooted in peacekeeping, feeling that it's somehow my job to create peace when chaos or drama arises.  My mother was the peacekeeper in my FOO.  

I'm trying to understand how peacekeeping can be a codependent trait.  I guess because when I think of codependency and my concept of it, that's not a trait that comes to mind.  

As I mull this over (I mulled it so hard today I had to take a nap) I hope to explore this and find some answers.  

Thanks for having me here.    

[blissful_camper]

Codependency and Codependent Relationships

A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused on the another person, they become focused on themselves, too.  Much of the love and intimacy in a codependent relationship is experienced in the context of one person’s distress and the other’s rescuing or enabling.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Hi, I'm Blissful Camper and I'm a codependent.  I came to this board from the Leaving forum.  

I had kind of an aha moment today where I identified one of my codependent traits.  I believe that my codependency is rooted in peacekeeping, feeling that it's somehow my job to create peace when chaos or drama arises.  My mother was the peacekeeper in my FOO.  

I'm trying to understand how peacekeeping can be a codependent trait.  I guess because when I think of codependency and my concept of it, that's not a trait that comes to mind.  

As I mull this over (I mulled it so hard today I had to take a nap) I hope to explore this and find some answers.  

Thanks for having me here.    

[Ihope2]

Hi Blissful Camper,

I am also a person with strong co-dependency issues, which I have only fully become aware of in the past few months, since having married a man with BPD and now being in the process of divorcing and detaching from him.

You raise a very valid point.  Peacekeeping in itself is a very admirable skill to have.  I suppose it becomes dysfunctional when it is used compulsively to quell each and every conflictual situation and to defuse every bit of anger and hostility coming our way. 

Perhaps a bit of conflict is needed at times, and expressions of anger and hostility need to come out now and again.  Perhaps we use peacekeeping, because we have learnt to be terribly afraid of conflict and hostility (perhaps we needed to avoid these, as the people around us became abusive and violent in conflict situations?).  So the net result is that now we are so scared of any sort of conflict, that we jump right into peacekeeping mode at the drop of a hat?

In my experience, I have not felt comfortable with angry, hostile feelings, I have not been able to hold my own against conflict, so I have relented far too soon in order to keep the peace.  I have sacrificed my own needs in order to keep the peace.  This, I believe, is when it became a dysfunctional and co-dependent way of relating to others.

In what I've read so far in literature about co-dependency, it says that most of the traits of co-dependency are very admirable, humane qualities to possess, but the problem lies in to what extremes these qualities are used.  Makes sense to me.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I can relate.  Sometimes you just can't smooth the ruffled feathers and have to let the chips fall where they may yanno?  I've learned uncomfortableness can't kill us! Not my job to make everyone happy anymore, not that I ever could anyway,

CiF

[talithacumi]

I think keeping the peace is just another aspect of being a caretaker/rescuer/fixer.

What we're caretaking is the emotional comfort of others. What we're rescuing are the people involved. What we're rescuing them from is their inability to accept/deal maturely with the emotional discomfort/distress they're feeling over not being able to get what they need/want. What we're fixing is not the real problem - their inability to accept/deal maturely with whatever emotional distress they feel - but, rather, the current/immediate cause of the emotional distress itself.

The problem is, all that matters to everyone involved is saying/doing whatever it takes to get rid of the emotional distress.

The distress itself is valid. It's disappointing, hurts, can be really frightening, or just plain frustrating not to get what you need/want from others. It's perfectly normal/natural to feel that way. And, more importantly, it's okay for people to feel that way.

Doing whatever we can to keep people from feeling that way implies that it isn't okay, invalidates it as an appropriate response, and passively-aggressively communicates exactly the kind of disapproval/rejection we've all been accused of, and adamantly denied we ever expressed toward our partners.

Being a peacekeeper is a choice that keeps both people locked in the same behaviors/roles that have made the relationship what it is in the first place.

There are other choices we could make, boundaries we could set/respect, and ways we could relate with others in the context of a disagreement/conflict that clearly have a much better chance of leading - not only to the kind of truly effective/equitable outcome we say we desire and clearly resent never seeming to be able to get - but to the development of a more mature and mutually supportive way of relating to one another in general.

The question we need to ask ourselves, under the circumstances, is why we keep making the same choices when it comes to our own behavior. What do we get out of continuing to react/respond to conflict in this way?

For me, the real growth/change didn't start to happen until the answer to those kinds of questions didn't involve my partner - or anyone else for that matter - in some way. Until I was able to look at the dance I was doing, recognize my own part in it, and start taking responsibility for setting the pace/leading so many different partners around the dancefloor like this for as long as I did.

[fromheeltoheal]

Peacekeeping is a valuable trait; mankind would have been wiped out a long time ago if it wasn't for peacekeepers.  Looking at why we want to keep the peace is valuable though; is it because we are afraid of conflict, or maybe just nice people who are doing well and want everyone else to do well too, help them with their conflicts?

And then there's the way we can become enmeshed with someone with a mental illness, someone who lives in perpetual chaos, and our role in that could be to become permanent soother, peacekeeper, dumping ground, caretaker, a byproduct of trying to make the relationship work.  Although what role we play and who we choose to become in a given situation is situation-specific, and doesn't necessarily define who we are.

And then there's codependency, where we do assume the caretaker/peacekeeper roles, where we do allow someone with a pathological condition to manipulate and control us, and we become dependent on that control.  And being dependent on that control and manipulation has upsides too, or we wouldn't do it; we don't have to make our own decisions and get to play victim, both beneficial if we see it that way, although the byproducts of that can include denial, low self-esteem and excessive compliance.

For me it was as simple as just putting my own needs first, and once I did the relationship ended, that was not going to fit with her way of living, it never could.  There were signs early: we went on a little road trip once, and I had brought a bunch of music to listen to on the road.  I played Sinatra's My Way, a favorite of mine, the marching to your own drummer, independent vibe, she started crying, and of course she wouldn't/couldn't be emotionally honest with me and tell me why, but is that telling or what?  So I played that hit from the 90's called "B___" and she lit up immediately, back in her element.  It takes a while sometimes to see what's really going on, but once we do, we can either leave or choose to stay, become codependent because it has upsides.  The third choice would be to change the borderline, and we know that ain't happening.

[Lucky Jim]

And then there's the way we can become enmeshed with someone with a mental illness, someone who lives in perpetual chaos, and our role in that could be to become permanent soother, peacekeeper, dumping ground, caretaker, a byproduct of trying to make the relationship work.

You put that well, from HtoH.  Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference between enmeshment vis-a-vis trying hard to make one's marriage work.  When kids are involved, the picture gets even cloudier and it feels like the stakes are higher.  I know that, at some point, I crossed the line into enmeshment and codependency, and nearly destroyed myself in the process, yet I did so in a misguided attempt to provide stability to our children despite living with a pwBPD who thrived on chaos.

Maybe others have found themselves in a similar situation?

Lucky Jim

[freedom33]

I am a bit of a peacemaker/peacekeeper myself. But I realised that sometimes if we want peace we need to prepare for war and stay firm. A relationship is a negotiation and the worse negotiator is the one that has to come to an agreement under all circumstances and all terms. One that does not have the option (or does not give himself the option) of simply saying no deal and walking away. That strips away our powers due to a compulsive fear that we have to make it all work. How liberating to allow yourself the option of walking out at any point. Just allowing yourself that option I think in a paradoxical way can make a relationship last longer than if one feels they are held hostage.

I was too soft and in a very vulnerable position when I met my ex. Also, too naive to believe everything, the dream came true with her and you can imagine what happened when the power struggle phase came. In fact if I allowed myself that no deal option and was not so enmeshed in my dream with her things might have turned out differently for me.  If one of the parties always gives in to keep the peace then it's enabling the other party to walk all over them. That's not good for either one. And this approach can ruin or if not ruin make uninteresting even a healthy relationship. We need a bit of tension and firmness.

A relationship is a constant negotatiation.

[Lucky Jim]

If one of the parties always gives in to keep the peace then it's enabling the other party to walk all over them.

I know that dynamic well, freedom33, which I suspect is quite common in a BPD r/s.  Unhealthy, but understandable when the alternative is a firestorm of rage and abuse.  In phase one, I became a doormat.  In phase two, I fought fire with fire.  In phase three, I practiced disengagement.  In phase four, our marriage broke down and we parted ways in hostile fashion.

Agree, the No-Deal option is liberating!  Now I try to be authenticate, which includes the option to walk away.

Lucky Jim