Understanding Unique Approach to Every BPD Person

[Reventon]

i am on my second book written about BPD (1. Go Away I Need You 2. One Way Ticket to Kansas) and both have taken a tone which is indicative of the BPD person having full understanding of what is happening and that the behavior is intentional to manipulate, dominate, hurt, etc.

my experience with a denying BPD suggests otherwise. she knows her behavior can be and is at times uncontrolled. but so far at worst i see it as a lack of self-control and will power. she believes she is "emotionally immature" and knows she has anger issues. although we have not discussed it, i am guessing there are times she is depressed and questions her self worth (my guess from a poem she has 'liked' w/ facebook: "Recovery Works" "... . for I wear a mask... . Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness".


she both admits that she has gone overboard and has accused me of doing something that she later retracts.

she is both insecure and over confident.

i see her problem as not admitting she is a BPD. like a denying alcoholic. so far, i do not see her as being manipulative, nor having an intention of tactics as the books suggest. and so far, i know a significant failure of the books is the failure to mention that each person with a chronic disorder is unique in their ailments. the BPD is different to each person. i say this with confidence from significant experience with a chronic debilitating condition of my own, chronic pain.

the over simplification of complete categorization by the authors of people with BPD almost seems vindictive. i dont say this about the whole book, nor of most of it. so i think this overly simple categorizing would lead to improper handling/dealing with relationships of BPD. so by analogy, every tack, large or small nail would require a sledge hammer to nail.

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[an0ught]

Hi Reventon,

the over simplification of complete categorization by the authors of people with BPD almost seems vindictive. i dont say this about the whole book, nor of most of it. so i think this overly simple categorizing would lead to improper handling/dealing with relationships of BPD. so by analogy, every tack, large or small nail would require a sledge hammer to nail.

I guess the answer to your question is that there are a lot of oversimplified books out there. Although it may be oversimplified one of the reasons is - bright colors and b&w sell better than some toned down ones. Another is that people in troubled relationships are in pain and books describing this pain is bleak terms are validating and somewhat soothing. This b&w thinking can also help in some initiate (w/ a risk of getting struck) the processing the anger which is a step during the detachment process in a break-up situation.

The problem of course is that adding more b&w thinking by the advice seeking partner to a relationship which run into trouble due to b&w thinking by one partner is not making the relationship more whole. If you are into reading please check out the book review section on this board for a more balanced fare (Note: The board is funded by member donations only and we earn no commission on any book recommendation etc... ).

You titled "Understanding Unique Approach to Every BPD Person" so how do you see your relationship having unique aspects?

[hergestridge]

BPD id s symptom diagnosis. There is no research that suggests that a BPD diagnosis would indicate any organic change in the individual (what we normally call "illness". BPD is just a name used to describe a set of behaviors and problems. The only thing those people have in common is rhe fact that we categorize them as BPD. It's only natural that ant attempt to write a book to describe "them" will include over-simplifications.

[tired-of-it-all]

This is my dilemma also.  I believe, deep in my heart, that she cannot help herself.  If I believed otherwise, I could dump her and not look back.  I cannot bring myself to run out on someone who cannot help themselves.

I would appreciate the perspective of anyone who could convince me otherwise.  My belief, in this case, is not good for me.

[123Phoebe]

This is my dilemma also.  I believe, deep in my heart, that she cannot help herself.  If I believed otherwise, I could dump her and not look back.  I cannot bring myself to run out on someone who cannot help themselves.

I would appreciate the perspective of anyone who could convince me otherwise.  My belief, in this case, is not good for me.

tired-of-it-all,

If you cannot bring yourself to leave someone who you believe cannot help themselves then that's your thing. 

What BPD has done is shed light to how I (and others) respond to the world.  It's given me a much keener awareness into myself-- not always such a good thing, but hey, I'm human!  So are people with BPD.  Human and as different as night and day.

If I'm understanding correctly, you're saying that this relationship isn't good for you?  Because the reason you're staying is because you believe that she cannot help herself?  What is it about someone not being able to help themselves that keeps you where you're at, but unhappy?  Are there other reasons why you stay?  Or, other reasons for why you haven't left?

I'm asking, because these are similar questions I've asked myself.  And they're not always easy to answer.  Sometimes I haven't liked my own answer and have had to question that... .   and so on... .   Crazy-making behavior isn't necessarily a BPD-only trait. 

I'd like to rename BPD to EHPD = Extremely Human Personality Disorder.

Are you extreme in any of your dealings with your partner?

[Reventon]

Hi Reventon,

the over simplification of complete categorization by the authors of people with BPD almost seems vindictive. i dont say this about the whole book, nor of most of it. so i think this overly simple categorizing would lead to improper handling/dealing with relationships of BPD. so by analogy, every tack, large or small nail would require a sledge hammer to nail.

I guess the answer to your question is that there are a lot of oversimplified books out there. ... .

You titled "Understanding Unique Approach to Every BPD Person" so how do you see your relationship having unique aspects?

thank you, an0ught, your reply is helpful.

i think i too whole heartedly took on the mission statement of the authors and i did not sufficiently consider that they are not professional psychiatrists with loads of experience treating persons with BPD. in fact, both have experience only dealing with one BPD, both deal with unhappy dissolution of romantic relationships, which even in perceptably psychologically stable individuals is typically fraught with biases or hurts or hangups.

and your placing the books in perspective of predominantly reaching out to hurt individuals is apt as well. i suppose that helping others in similar/same situation is cathartic.

how do i see my relationship as having unique aspects, well, i wrote that subject without too much thinking yet knowing that it is true, as every relationship is unique. i perceive the relationship as being more unique (my guess, as i am only beginning to read about other dissolved BPD relationships) as most dissolving or dissolved BPD, romantic relationships ended with:

-bitterness (again, my guess and surmising) or disgust on behalf of the non BPD spouse. i feel neither feeling. i am sad. i miss the romantic connection. i still love her. i still want a romantic relationship with her.

-more BPD abused/injured partners (i guess i have been less abused/injured; these words reflecting intent and ignorance on behalf of the BPD person)

-she (BPD) is not fitting the depth of criteria of all the ailments; perhaps because our romantic relationship did fully develop: did not live together, made no commitment, etc; so i suppose that i just have not been exposed to all of what she is and would eventually do to us/me

-she does admit to some ailments in BPD: poorly controlled anger, however "emotionally immature" fits in to BPD. the suggested tone i infer from the books is that the BPD spouse is clueless as to their condition, pain they are causing or denies their behavior is irrational, innapropriate

i would really need to read more, both books on BPD and personal discussion on the boards before i could elaborate on the uniqueness of our relationship