New development cause me to considering breaking NC again, again...

[GuiltHaunted]

A few weeks ago I considered breaking NC, because I had an intuitive feeling something was up in the life of my uBPDexgf. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223897.0)

First of all, I am feeling great again. Really. After the realization that I was "checkmate" (realization that I didn't have any sensible way of resume contact), I had a couple of depressed days. Since then, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Then 4 days ago, something happened again: She posted a quote publicly on her otherwise completely privately closed Facebook profile (no profile pic, no information whatsoever). Im not friends with her, but don't have her blocked either. And to add, she NEVER posted anything to her timeline on that profile when we were friends either, not even privately set.

The quote is from Anonymous Alcoholics about self-pity. It can be tracked reverse with google, due to a punctuation error. Also AA is mentioned in the quote. I know she started drinking before our breakup (in connection with the death of her father). And I also know it escalated with my replacement, but not if it is to a level that she has become an alcoholic.

What does it make me feel?

Happy! The vengeful part of me enjoys that her poor decisions may have made her sink down to this. Happy that I am not a part of all her problems. Financial, health, emotional, PLUS now perhaps this problem on top.

I don't read anything into it. Previously, it would have sent my head spinning. But I honestly don't think this has anything to do with me. Perhaps it even unintentionally went as a public post (she is a computer illiterate).

Still, the evil part of me now considers to break NC anyway.   Since I feel she opened an avenue where I have an opportunity to vent some of my frustrations. Since the breakup, I have behaved like a gentleman and more or less skipped the anger phase. I never called her out. And maybe I feel like doing it now. Still of course with dignity:

I saw you public post on Facebook. I am happy for you, to notice a bit of self-realization on your part. However, I think you would receive better help with therapy, than in AA. I bought a book, which I will be happy to send you. You can read the first 14 page online. I would urgently encourage you to read it. (link). There is a lot if prejudice about BPD, but now a days you can get a good handle on it with behavioral therapy

I achieve the following by sending this:

1) I give her the blame back. Which I otherwise took through out.

2) I subtly mention that I think she has BPD.

3) I get to see if there is truly any self-realization on her part.

4) I get to see if she is willing to resume contact (and not about some wishy-washy "how are you doing".

Yes, I know there is a conflict between "not being a part of her problems", and wishing to resume contact. But I kind of need to know! I wanted to be with her, I need to know if I still would given the opportunity would be there.

I would be thankful for any opinions! 

[woodsposse]

 

I idn't get a chance to read any previous posts so I am unsure of the entire back story - but I'm sure it is the same type of things we have all been through a few times.

I know going NC can be very difficult, but is a very needed part on the road to healing.

But my question to you is... . what is it that you want?  I mean, I totally understand a sense of wanting to help your ex down a path of self realization - and even an inward thrill to know her choices are not turning out well for her.  Again, very normal.

But I'm concerned about you.  What is it you want?

There does come a time you have to focus less on her and more on you.  Your happiness starts and ends with you ... . so if no contact, or low contact or going back all in is where you think you need to be by all means I wouldn't suggest you do anyting other.

But if you are seeking real healing and real wellness, I would suggest you try and really focus on who you are, where you are, and where you want to be.  If chaos and confusion, albeit nothing new, is what you see for part of your life... . then claim it.  If stability and calm and peace is in you to have, then claim that.

So, what do you think you are looking for?

[GuiltHaunted]

I appreciate that you took your time to reply. What I am really seeking:

What is it you want?

I would like an opinion on the message that I wrote (but didn't yet send).

I am not asking anyone to guess anything (like "why is she doing this?" or "why did she post that?". I am just asking for an opinion on what I posted.

The rest of the stuff that you mention I got pretty much under control at the moment. The no contact period was for 4 months now, breakup 1 year ago. I belong to the camp, that NC is a tool and not a religion. I started NC with her, because there was no point in keeping it with her at the time. The contact hurt me, and she seemed to be in a good place at the time - hence it wasn't going in the direction that I wanted. 4 months have passed, and she is obviously not doing well (for whatever reasons). Even if the quote isn't minded on herself, but a friend, or what ever, no one who is super happy posts a quote about self-pity.

I, on the other hand, distanced (not detached) myself quite a lot from everything that happened. I am in a pretty good place at the moment. I think I can manage contact with her, as long as I got the upper hand.

As for moving along or getting back together. I am open to both options. But posting on the "undecided board" doesn't really give any replies. Understandably, since we are no longer together, those reading and posting there are not really in the same situation.

1) I wanted to move on, I wouldn't consider writing her (what would be the point). And if I did, it's would just to be to catch up (like with a non-ex).

2) If I resume contact with her (at another track than "hello, how are you", I may have the opportunity to gauge her responsiveness to me, her own situation and willingness to change. Which would be required, to get back together.

3) Lack of above, may help me to give up on the idea to get back with her and detach completely (which is my justification of posting on the leaving board anyway).

What could I achieve:

1) No reply - at least I have eased my consciousness, that I have let her know that I she may have BPD. For sure the will read up on the link, I consider sending her. (a very gently worded booklet about BPD).

2) She will reply angrily. And I will know, that continuing with her is a dead end.

3) Lines of communication re-opens, but this time with a subject that is not just small talk.

Hope it all makes sense.

[Skip]

I saw you public post on Facebook. I am happy for you, to notice a bit of self-realization on your part. However, I think you would receive better help with therapy, than in AA. I bought a book, which I will be happy to send you. You can read the first 14 page online. I would urgently encourage you to read it. (link). There is a lot if prejudice about BPD, but now a days you can get a good handle on it with behavioral therapy

I achieve the following by sending this:

1) I give her the blame back. Which I otherwise took through out.

2) I subtly mention that I think she has BPD.

3) I get to see if there is truly any self-realization on her part.

4) I get to see if she is willing to resume contact (and not about some wishy-washy "how are you doing".

GuiltHaunted, you probably don't realize how raw your emotions still are.   That note would make an angel angry  

I saw you public post on Facebook. - I'm in your space.

I am happy for you, to notice a bit of self-realization on your part. - It's good that you finally realized what a mess you are.

However, I think you would receive better help with therapy, than in AA. - But you aren't seeing the whole picture - your much worse than you thought.

I bought a book, which I will be happy to send you. You can read the first 14 page online. I would urgently encourage you to read it. (link). There is a lot if prejudice about BPD, but now a days you can get a good handle on it with behavioral therapy - Maybe you will someday be healthy like me.

I need to know if I still would given the opportunity would be there.

If this is your goal - send her a very short upbeat compliment that doesn't infer a response is needed and say something she would like to hear that doesn't connect to you or the old relationship.    

[woodsposse]

I agree.  You probably don't see how raw your emotions still are.

I'm not sure how you would take anyone coming to you even suggesting you have a mental illness (no matter how nicely worded).

I typically don't go for the brash bottom line replies, but I think reading between the lines isn't going to get the point across, so I will be as gentle as possible.

You either want to torture yourself with a dysfunctional relationship (because we all know that is exactly what it is) - or you want to heal.

The choice is yours.

What do I think of your reply you want to send?  It is tantamount to you kicking yourself in the stomach and blaming someone else when it hurts.  you are doing this to yourself.  And that is fine.  We all have done it.

But as a survivor of these relationships... . I urge you to de-focus on her, learn about yourself.  Be well and be happy with you and what you need in this life to be happy.

She has already shown you who she is and it isn't going to change no matter how much you try and get her to realize her issues - especially when you deflect and don't/can't see your own.  This isn't to place blame on her or you (or anyone) - this is in an attempt to heal you.

You are the important person, the most important person.  And we are all here for you.

But as I said - the choice is and has always been yours.

Your happiness starts... . and ends... . with you, my friend.   

[GuiltHaunted]

Spot on Skip, I know, that is EXACTLY the message I wanted to get across, which I wrote too:

Still, the evil part of me now considers to break NC anyway.   Since I feel she opened an avenue where I have an opportunity to vent some of my frustrations. Since the breakup, I have behaved like a gentleman and more or less skipped the anger phase. I never called her out

I tried your way. And it lead to a long line of friendly conversation (including in the middle of the night, despite her having a new boyfriend). But every time any subjects having to do with emotions were brought up, she would shut down. She doesn't mind having contact with me, but she doesn't want to share any feelings. That kind of conversation hurt me and probably still would. I need a pry-bar that can open her mask of "I am doing so well and am so happy" up. THAT is what I mean with wanting the "upper hand" in the conversation. Something that she is forced to react upon emotionally.

Just to recap, this is not a "healthy" girl, that I try to make out as pwBPD:

She suggested herself that she believed she had ADHD, about 6 months prior to the breakup. She had 10 years therapy already (before my time, with to me unknown diagnosis), 7 years of anti-depressant medication and one time institutionalized. This was all before my time with her (4 years), except the medication, which she was on for the first year. I told her to stop, and it's didn't make a markedly difference. I took her mood swings, getting upset over tiny things, as a expression of immaturity and PMS. I am truly a novice when it comes to dealing with dysfunctional people. Not until after the relationship was over, I started trying to find out what hit me - and my way here too (plus 100 other resources). She told me often that there was something wrong with her. I would completely disregard it and tell her she was a normal girl, who had some bad experiences.

And to Woods Posse, that is my failure in the R/S. I don't fit any schemes, I am not codependent, generally had a happy childhood etc. My parents did argue a lot, so I may find that normal in relationships. Which may have contributed too, to me not finding our dynamic particularly weird. I am generally have a pretty good knowledge about myself, I know my weak and strong points. And I found some more of both, post-breakup too. But please don't make me out to be a basket case. Just because I met a disordered person doesn't make me have HUGE mental issues too.

I genuinely like her as a person, and I believe that with the newfound insight I could make a better/new relationship with her work. Provided that she would let me of course.

[seeking balance]

You asked for opinions, here is mine:

This post reminds me of the phrase, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be right"... . apparently you want to be right... . unfortunately, even if you are right - the tactic you are choosing to prove it likely will not yield the results for which you hope.

Why are you stalking her FB page anyways?

[GuiltHaunted]

I know I am on the leaving board, so I guess I should have expected to get the reactions of "don't go there". Except from Skip (thank you for your understanding). It seems that here is really missing a board. I can't post on "undecided", because so far she made the decision for both of us. And I can't post on "leaving", since my wish is not to detach (unless I am forced to, which so far I am and why I chose leaving over undecided). Here is missing a "wanting to reconsolidate" board?

In that light, I am obviously looking at her Facebook because I am curious and looking for "signs" that it may be the right time to resume contact.

I appreciate though, that you advice me not to. Keep in mind, that she was high functioning during the relationship. No self harm or substance abuse (what might yet be the case), no cheating (that I am aware of at least) except for the mental cheating towards the end with her lining up my replacement. I know a lot of you had it a lot worse, and from that perspective understand the advice to keep going forward.

Perhaps this is also what I will end up doing, since I am doing so well at the moment. Perhaps too well for it to be worth jeopardizing.

[GuiltHaunted]

If this is your goal - send her a very short upbeat compliment that doesn't infer a response is needed and say something she would like to hear that doesn't connect to you or the old relationship.

Skip, you might be right about this. The question is if I am going to like the ensuing conversation. Perhaps, I should leave it and continue to detach.

Last time I did this was in the fall. After a couple of months NC over the summer. I wrote her:

"I was in xxx last week and was once again dining at xxx. Thought of how often we went there. :-p Hope you are doing well!"

It was about a restaurant where we often had dinner together. The next couple of months was just friendly messaging and a few phone calls, some weeks more and some weeks less, and ended with me requesting NC. First round was requested by her, as I revealed that I knew my replacement was her sister's exbf (think she is ashamed of it). She broke her own request later on, with message about some insignificant post that had arrived for me at her address. I waited about a month (because I couldn't decided to respond or not), and finally responded with the above message.

How do you propose to go ahead if she responds friendly once again?

[seeking balance]

Here is missing a "wanting to reconsolidate" board?

In that vein, how do you think your email would honestly be perceived by her?  IF reconciling is your goal, don't you think learning about the staying skills and how as a partner you can best be her partner?

I mean, take the quote below

I saw you public post on Facebook. I am happy for you, to notice a bit of self-realization on your part. However, I think you would receive better help with therapy, than in AA. I bought a book, which I will be happy to send you. You can read the first 14 page online. I would urgently encourage you to read it. (link). There is a lot if prejudice about BPD, but now a days you can get a good handle on it with behavioral therapy

Seriously, every single therapist will tell you treatment for BPD will not really be of value if a pwBPD is using drugs or alcohol to numb the emotion... . the emotions are necessary to learn to identify and regulate

- so, your advice is not really in her best interest... . if AA is helping her get a part under her control, how is that a bad thing?

Now, about you - if she is in AA - wouldn't you think you going to Alanon would be what a loving partner would do?

Before you contact her and want to be "friendly" wouldn't it serve you to learn skills that might be of value to where you perceive her to be in life?

I genuinely like her as a person, and I believe that with the newfound insight I could make a better/new relationship with her work. Provided that she would let me of course.

When I let myself get really honest, I realize there was just as much work to do on me changing as my ex in order for a relationship to really work - what insight do you have that has made you change enough to be better for her?

[GuiltHaunted]

Seeking Balance, you got me on every point. You are absolutely right, if she hypothetically has an alcohol problem, I am jumping into exactly the same trap as I did with her mental problems, when starting out the relationship in the first place: To ignore it. To think of it as a minor issue that will go away, if/when I re-enter the scene, because I will solve all her problems. That is of course an illusion. I would, hypothetically not only have a pwBPD on my hands, but potentially an alcoholic too. I get your point.

Most important insight is not to take most things personal. That not only goes for pwBPD but any people I interact with. People being irritable, angry, upset etc... . Most of the time it has nothing to do with me, but circumstances in their lives. Happy people don't get irritable that easy as a person with problems. Cashier being rude most like was not due to you, maybe she just had an argument with her boss etc.

It takes two to keep an argument going. But just one person to stop it. Escalating is something that is very human to do. "You hurt me, I hurt you. You now hurt me even more, I'll show you even more.". It take only one person to break that cycle. It may be trivial, but it is something that I am very aware of. Not than I have that many arguments with people now a days.

[willy45]

Don't send it. It will only end up hurting you. Trust me.

[GuiltHaunted]

You are all right. Thank you.

I now wasted another 1-2 days pulling myself down, trying to figure out how to reestablish contact to a person that is not interested in me. It has to stop.

Thank letting me share my thoughts with you and that way preventing me from making further mistakes.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I was having this issue the other day mine was moved to the undecided board (im bitter)

That was all I needed support and reminders why it wasnt a good idea

Just to look at his page... Not even contact.

Even looking (as you did) triggers those feelings

Of wanting to establish a reconnection. I deactivated

My account so I wouldnt even be tempted... Im not proposing

You go to that extreme, as I had to, but a huge part of nc

Is detaching... Its hard to detach if we are constantly looking at their

Page trying to seek signs and meanings through their posts.

My opinion... . Dont even look.

Youre right: she isnt interested u mean nothing

To her and youre discarded.

Sounds harsh right? Well thats the reality of BPD.

We cant change it. I remind myself of that harsh truth

Daily and I feel totally numb towards him now.

It works bc it slaps us out of the fantasy that they care...

They are only capable of caring about themselves... .

And that is the truth.

She has moved on. She has painted you black.

The best revenge is to detach from her and release the power

She still has over you. You must if you want better in your life.

[Narellan]

No one wants to hear they are mentally ill. Especially by an unqualified ex boyfriend 

If you do this, she will pull away further. And probably paint you black and start a smear campaign against you. Just because she posted an AA quote doesn't mean she's going to AA. She may have just liked the quote.

Sorry If this next bit sounds blunt , I can't think how else to word it. It sounds like you've got your tongue out saying " nah nah, nah nah nah"

Which is kinda playing at her level.

While i understand some glee in watching them crumble a bit at times , just rise above it and keep your dignity 

[GuiltHaunted]

Yes you are both right. Incidentally today exactly 1 year since she broke up with me. I will use this as a suitable opportunity to look forward.

Thank you all for your input.

I will also take a break from reading on this site. I have the knowledge about BPD already, to know why it went the way it did. The energy should now be focused on looking forward. I am actually enjoying my single life, I get plenty of sex and have great friends and family.

I am missing someone to "hold hands with", but she will probably come along sooner rather than later, if I stop focusing my energy on my ex.

[GuiltHaunted]

... . and yes the above post, is written by my brain. I will try to start allowing my brain to persuade my heart too. 

[LettingGo14]

I will also take a break from reading on this site. I have the knowledge about BPD already, to know why it went the way it did. The energy should now be focused on looking forward.

Just two thoughts, for consideration rather than instruction.  

1. Participating on this site, especially as it relates to engaging with others who are struggling with similar things, can be even more helpful than reading about BPD.   So often, I have seen myself in others, and it gives me insight about myself.  

2. I like to think of looking "inward" rather than "forward" because inward can establish the forward I seek.

I commend you for writing and posting here. It helps us all.

[GuiltHaunted]

The problems is that I have been reading here, in hopes to predict her behavior. Which by now (actually logically a lot longer) I am aware I can not. Especially, I have loved to read the "My ex contacted me after xx months of NC" kind of thread.

This is a girl that didn't want me, let me down and didn't show any care or consideration for me. I will try my best to let her go now.

I will check in again, if there is a development down the line, for me personally or with my status with her. Or if I am get feelings that I am unable to process on my own. But for now I will try to go on alone.

Thanks again.