NC question - plz help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I read often comments from some member here that say this:

"NC is designed to be only a temporary tool". "It is meant for you step back, relax and get yourself in order and then speak."

I plan to have NC for life. When I read this it seems to intimate people using NC long term are week or something is wrong with them. I don't consider I am weak, quite the opposite, at least now I am strong.



This topic is on my mind now because today is my 9 month mark of NC. I would like to celebrate the 9 month mark, but to do so I would like the answer to the question please. I am very proud of having the self respect and emotional control to not call her or go back to her and be a floor mat and be abused.

After hearing her say how sorry she was every time after violence or threats of violence I stayed. When I married her I saw no evidence I would end up as the mat and abused. Never again though. There were plenty of good times though, but that doesn't change anything. I never want to utter one word to her.

Background - 4 year marriage (uBPDstbxw), much raging and then I was abandoned and left with nothing, she took all the money, car, I lost job and no place to live, forced to drop out of college etc... .

I am going to relay to you a bit more information about my horror story relationship to my wife that I have never told anyone. Yes I am a man, but my ex threatened me with violence often and committed acts of violence on me on many occasions. --> She would hurt me in the dark in bed or in my sleep also with objects and her fists. When she drove the car with me as passenger and was raging out of control I truly believe that she had thoughts of a suicide/murder of us both on the highway.

Believe me I didn't just accept this cr@p. But after her tears and promises to change I stayed like a f'kn idiot. I think this woman has the potential to actually kill me. I am completely serious. I think this woman has still the potential even though we are apart to kill me if she ever sees me with another woman in our town out of a jealous rage, (The way she thinks is if I cared about her I would wait forever for her, so by dating somebody else I am the bad devil even after a divorce). I think this person has the potential to kill me because her dream/obsession of having a baby maybe wont come true now due to me being the devil in her eyes and that she wasted her child bearing years on me with no baby out of it. Unfortunately she knows where I live in our town.

Is this paranoia? No. It is based on facts and my years of knowledge of her thought process and her uncontrollable rages which caused me to be hurt on different occasions and fear for my life many times.

So is there anybody here that is going to tell me I should ever have contact with this person? Please I would like to get some responses from you all.

Thanks,

AO

[AwakenedOne]

I read often comments from some member here that say this:

"NC is designed to be only a temporary tool". "It is meant for you step back, relax and get yourself in order and then speak."

I plan to have NC for life. When I read this it seems to intimate people using NC long term are week or something is wrong with them. I don't consider I am weak, quite the opposite, at least now I am strong.



This topic is on my mind now because today is my 9 month mark of NC. I would like to celebrate the 9 month mark, but to do so I would like the answer to the question please. I am very proud of having the self respect and emotional control to not call her or go back to her and be a floor mat and be abused.

After hearing her say how sorry she was every time after violence or threats of violence I stayed. When I married her I saw no evidence I would end up as the mat and abused. Never again though. There were plenty of good times though, but that doesn't change anything. I never want to utter one word to her.

Background - 4 year marriage (uBPDstbxw), much raging and then I was abandoned and left with nothing, she took all the money, car, I lost job and no place to live, forced to drop out of college etc... .

I am going to relay to you a bit more information about my horror story relationship to my wife that I have never told anyone. Yes I am a man, but my ex threatened me with violence often and committed acts of violence on me on many occasions. --> She would hurt me in the dark in bed or in my sleep also with objects and her fists. When she drove the car with me as passenger and was raging out of control I truly believe that she had thoughts of a suicide/murder of us both on the highway.

Believe me I didn't just accept this cr@p. But after her tears and promises to change I stayed like a f'kn idiot. I think this woman has the potential to actually kill me. I am completely serious. I think this woman has still the potential even though we are apart to kill me if she ever sees me with another woman in our town out of a jealous rage, (The way she thinks is if I cared about her I would wait forever for her, so by dating somebody else I am the bad devil even after a divorce). I think this person has the potential to kill me because her dream/obsession of having a baby maybe wont come true now due to me being the devil in her eyes and that she wasted her child bearing years on me with no baby out of it. Unfortunately she knows where I live in our town.

Is this paranoia? No. It is based on facts and my years of knowledge of her thought process and her uncontrollable rages which caused me to be hurt on different occasions and fear for my life many times.

So is there anybody here that is going to tell me I should ever have contact with this person? Please I would like to get some responses from you all.

Thanks,

AO

[trappedinlove]

You got to do what you got to do.

If you need to break away for life to protect yourself then just do that.

There is no rule that fits all so focus on your needs.

So is there anybody here that is going to tell me I should ever have contact with this person? Please I would like to get some responses from you all.

AO, why care so much about what other people here think or what they might tell you to do?

You have a valid strategy.  Be strong and keep yourself distant from your toxic ex r/s so you can calm down and slowly rebuild yourself from grounds up.

It seems like you're still very vulnerable and that makes you quite desperate for validation.

Hang in there buddy.

Keep focusing on strengthening your sense of self, self-love and self-validation.  These might have been shattered by your BPD r/s and need a lot of TLC to heal... .

TIL

[AwakenedOne]

AO, why care so much about what other people here think or what they might tell you to do?

1. I am not looking for validation. I stated in my post and underlined it that I am strong.

2. I don't care what others think, its not as simple as that.

What I am asking is this -> This is a support group and there are members here that are very experienced and versed on BPD. When I hear members and especially some of the moderators & advisors here give "NC temporary" advice or instruction that doesn't match up with my situation and my opinion I'm basically saying tell me where I am wrong in what I'm doing, it works for me. Or I can pick and choose what I like from this site is the alternative.  

[BacknthSaddle]

I definitely agree with you that, in your case, avoiding contact for life might be the best and indeed only answer.  I think there's another way to look at those comments by posters here (which I have also read), which is: you may not have contact ever again, but "NC" is something temporary in that "NC," as a concept, is different than just the mere fact of not having contact.  It is a conscious decision to avoid contact, even when that is very difficult, that is done in the service of detachment.  When you we are finally detached, we may have no impulse, no desire for contact.  We may not even think about contact anymore.  At that point "NC" will be over, but we will still not engage in contact.  We just won't have to think about it, because we won't need to anymore. 

That's my take. 

[AwakenedOne]

When you / we are finally detached, we may have no impulse, no desire for contact.  We may not even think about contact anymore.  At that point "NC" will be over, but we will still not engage in contact.  We just won't have to think about it, because we won't need to anymore.  

That's my take.  

Your take on things makes a lot of sense to me BacknthSaddle. If this is the case then I am detached because I have no desire for sure to engage her on anything ever. After our divorce even more detached. I plan on going through lawyers to communicate. Thing is due to her being at times violent and rageful I am stuck with that to deal with in case she pops up here ever. I am stuck to deal with her in court. That's life though. I heard stuff from her when she got mad such as she would enjoy watching me die on the highway and wouldn't help me as I bled to death as she smilled etc... . really sick.

[willy45]

Yikes man. That's crazy rough. I'm sorry to hear all that.

I think a lot of this NC is a temporary tool stuff is BS. I agree that 'NC' is a state of mind and hopefully temporary as in 'at some point, I don't even have to think about being NC because I just won't be in contact and not even want to be'. In the meantime, I have to fight to stay NC and not reach and to avoid responding to her eventual reaching out.

I guess in light of everything, you just need to consider what you want. If you never, ever, ever want to see, hear of, or talk to this person again (that has my vote on our behalf... . ), then don't. It's totally up to you. Would it 'heal' you more to have this person in your life? Nope. So F it. Maybe in some relationships it is possible to stay friends with someone. That assumes there was a decent amount of respect in the relationship and solid foundation of friendship. This was not the case for you and it was not the case for me. So, then how on earth would having this person in our lives help us 'heal'? It won't. It will only hurt. So, no real benefit there.

If I were you, I would keep this person out your life forever. She sounds extremely dangerous.

[Emelie Emelie]

I read it that NC is a "tool - not a rule".  A lot of people on these boards, myself included, feel a lot of shame when they break NC.  Some go LC.  Some stay in contact.  Some go totally NC.  You need to do what you feel is best (and safest for you). 

I read some great advice somewhere a long time ago.  "Be a student.  Not a disciple."  We can read a lot about BPD (not just here) and how we should handle things and get a lot of different perspectives.  It's up to us to figure out what's best for us. 

Whole situation sounds horrific.  I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.

[BacknthSaddle]

I think you're doing what's right for you. You may be forced to maintain some contact through back channels. The important question for you is: have you broken yourself of the addiction? If so, you're doing spectacularly.

[Split black]

NC... .   Ive read about it on a half a dozen boards. There is absolutely no sane reason... . like ZERO... . to ever have contact again with someone that has treated you horribly and betrayed you. You must avoid like the plague. No contact for life.

IF... .   somewhere down the road, for some reason... . you feel like reaching out... .   after youre successfully hooked into someone new and very happy... . then I would say... .   NO... . why bother. Their loss... . they dont get it and never will... . you are never going back. Im never going back. You can never be friends... . why waste another moment of your precious life on someone who stabbed you in the back and discarded you like it meant nothing?   

and I agree... . to some that are struggling with NC to hear a mixed message like its temp doesn't do anybody any good. NC.  peace.

[Narellan]

Great words willy and split black. AO I am determined never to have contact again with my ex BPD. And I agree I think the advice is for us while we are battling not to reach out during the fog. Once that's gone we can clearly see why we had to do that. And have no desire to again. But when I was feeling weak and vulnerable I had to recite NC in my head just to stop myself. I'm so glad to have learned that. It went against every instinct in my " rescuer body" to ignore someone reaching out. But I'm so glad I did, and so much stronger ( most days) for having done so. Never keep people in your life that suck the life out of you. I never want to speak to my ex BPD again. ( have visions of slamming my stiletto heel into his eye tho, but never speaking) 

[AwakenedOne]

Thanks guys for taking the time out to respond. I really appreciate it. AO


trappedinlove / BacknthSaddle / willy45 / Emelie Emelie / Split black / Narellan