Struggling to let it go

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm having a hard time trying to let it go and give it up to God!

I'm so full of anxiety and hatred for my uBPDxw. I'm not going to list all the details of what she's done and continues to to to hurt me. That's not the point of this thread.

I feel like I'm STUCK in a place where anxiety and anger rule my thought life.  It is very crippling to be in this place. I don't WANT to have these thoughts constantly in my mind but sometimes I just can't help it.

I think it's because I keep trying to deal with her and her actions as if they were coming from a rational mind and I NOW know that this is NOT the case. I know she is disordered but I keep responding to her disordered ways as if she was NOT disordered. I know she lies, she has no empathy (not even for her kids), I know she is the emotional equivalent of a 2 yr old, I know that she painting me black and my neighbor white to soothe herself from the inner turmoil she has. I know that these are the actions of a very sick person. I know I should be happy that I SURVIVED and she is going to do the same to him.

I just TRUELY want to get to that place where I actually feel sorry for her and have sympathy for  what a miserable existence it must be for her. I guess what I trying to say is that I want to FORGIVE her so I can TRUELY be healed and move on!

I'm having a hard time of it!

[mywifecrazy]

I'm having a hard time trying to let it go and give it up to God!

I'm so full of anxiety and hatred for my uBPDxw. I'm not going to list all the details of what she's done and continues to to to hurt me. That's not the point of this thread.

I feel like I'm STUCK in a place where anxiety and anger rule my thought life.  It is very crippling to be in this place. I don't WANT to have these thoughts constantly in my mind but sometimes I just can't help it.

I think it's because I keep trying to deal with her and her actions as if they were coming from a rational mind and I NOW know that this is NOT the case. I know she is disordered but I keep responding to her disordered ways as if she was NOT disordered. I know she lies, she has no empathy (not even for her kids), I know she is the emotional equivalent of a 2 yr old, I know that she painting me black and my neighbor white to soothe herself from the inner turmoil she has. I know that these are the actions of a very sick person. I know I should be happy that I SURVIVED and she is going to do the same to him.

I just TRUELY want to get to that place where I actually feel sorry for her and have sympathy for  what a miserable existence it must be for her. I guess what I trying to say is that I want to FORGIVE her so I can TRUELY be healed and move on!

I'm having a hard time of it!

[arjay]

I hear you!  I know the place where you are and so many of us can relate.

In the beginning of the process towards healing, the chaos in our heads, all the thoughts and emotions, the ups and downs, one day I feel better and the next day I feel like crap and actually miss her in a way.  It is clearly a "process" in our emotional recovery.  Think of it as a physical wound.  It takes time, proper care and knowing you are healing too and this "is" the healing process and how nature works.  It is really tough to really let-go of any emotional feelings we have towards them (including simple forgiveness) until we are regrounded ourselves.  There will be plenty of time for you to quietly forgive her as a result of her disorder.  Ironically my ex actually made fun of me and then became angry when I "let go and blessed it all" in my last email to her.  I could quietly forgive her in the solitude of my home.

What helped me a lot in the healing process was giving back first to myself, and then helping others (over time and especially here).  It helps us to identify with others, and seeing the same pain and anguish that is/was in ourselves.  I also read a lot of assigned books (boundaries and so on) that helped me to better understand myself too.  I stayed in counseling for the better part of two years.

You just ran likely the emotional marathon of your life and your body and mind need time for nurturing and to heal.  It was actually interesting how I went through my own "forgiveness versus anger versus whatever emotion" when it came to her.  In the end I realized it was simply a case of me getting involved with a woman that has a PD; that I was saddened by her background (her early years), realized she was a survivor and the best thing I could do for myself and my life was to help me.  I learned things about myself that likely played a large part in the "dance" too.

Give yourself time and in the meantime nurture youself.  You just ran an ultra-marathon.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mywifecrazy,  I'm sorry to hear all that you are going through, which I find normal and part of the healing process.  The summary of your current dilemma is quite cogent and well expressed.  I think all that you have said is on target in terms of the place you are trying to get to.  I'm confident that you will get there, though I understand that at the moment it probably feels like "you can't get there from here" or, as they say in Maine, "ya cahn't get they-ah from hee-ah!"  Everyone has to find out what works for him/herself, though if I could make a suggestion, it would be to sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything or make judgments.  Just let your angry (or whatever) feelings flow, and see where that leads.  LuckyJim

[woodsposse]

 

For me... . I remember those days quite vividly.  Mostly because I was still living in them up until very recently (like within the last two months).  I'm not sure if my busy work/school/social life schedule actually helped me or prolonged the healing.  I know one of the things which certainly didn't help was I had stayed in contact with my recent ex-wife (diagnosed PD), even having her and I go to counceling sessions together.

I was trying to have a new romantic relationship during this time... . and, it was a good relationship with my new GF, I learned a lot being with someone new after almost 20 years being with my wife and going through everything we went through.  But, when I wasn't with my GF, I was either still chatting to/arguing with my ex... . or ruminating on all sorts of things.

I did have an outlet which wasn't as harmful as over drinking (although that did rear it's ugly little head from time to time) - I have a very dear friend and we chat all the time about everything and nothing and she too is going through a transition (hers by becoming a widow)... . so we had each others shoulders.  And she would just me vent about anything I was processing or hurting about.  I was in theraphy as well... . so that helped.  But when I was alone, I was still going over my failed long term marriage over and over and over.

Finally my relationship with my new gf was taking a better spot in my head than my failed r/s... . and I started to go LC with the ex... . and eventually just went NC.  I went NC just after I started coming here AND realizing my own issues which helped lead to the dance.

I like how it was stated "I simply got involved with a person who has a PD, I was drawn to her by her troubled background - and my issues helped lead to some of the dancing we did".

Now that r/s is over (well it has been for some time).  She has moved on, had started a new family with a new guy.  We still have 'our children' - and as of last night I had to break NC since our oldest announced she just got engaged.  But it's okay.  I'm not trying to talk with her about our r/s, our marriage, trying to solve any problems, wanting to be friends or any of that.  Nor am I mad or angry or wish her ill.  It just is what it is.

Sadly after getting to a point where I was feeling very emotionally stable, and the ruminating stopped and I no longer felt the pull or tug of my old r/s, my relationship with my GF fell on a bad spot and we broke up.  It's only been a week, so that is still a little raw.  Raw is probably not the word I'm looking for... . but more like odd.

We had been together for about 18 months (that's a good chunk of change) - so there was a familiarity and pattern I became use to.  Things like texting every moring to say good morning.  We would let each other know when we finally made it back to our respective houses from being out and things like that.  To have that "all of a sudden" stop is kinda a shock to the system, but it's okay. No one likes change, but I was living and thriving before those things... . I'm pretty sure I can do it after.

And that's the thing.  We are still here.  We made it through a very rough spot and are still here.  And it will take some time to heal.  But it will heal.

[mywifecrazy]

I was asked to speak about forgiveness at my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight.

I will be speaking about how NOT FORGIVING someone gets us stuck in recovery and the healing process.  How holding onto hatred for those who have hurt us will keep us from becoming whole again.

COINCIDENCE?

[Turkish]

I was asked to speak about forgiveness at my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight.

I will be speaking about how NOT FORGIVING someone gets us stuck in recovery and the healing process.  How holding onto hatred for those who have hurt us will keep us from becoming whole again.

COINCIDENCE?

I  liken something like that to "a  God thing."  Go with it and see where it takes you!  please let us know how it goes.

[woodsposse]

I was asked to speak about forgiveness at my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight.

I will be speaking about how NOT FORGIVING someone gets us stuck in recovery and the healing process.  How holding onto hatred for those who have hurt us will keep us from becoming whole again.

COINCIDENCE?

I can definitely see the reasoning in how not forgiving can keep someone stuck.  Call it forgiving or letting go... . all I know is it took me forever to get to a point where I could actually forgive my PDexw and her actions.  Part of the reason was because I was stuck between intellect and emotion.  My intellect kept telling me it is hard to forgive someone if I don't know exactly what happened (stuff which was kept and done in secret) to forgive.  And my emotions because I was so hurt and torn up inside.

Probably the only thing which would have 'fixed it' if if she came back, tail tucked between her legs offering apologies AND stayed to heal the trust which was broken.  But there was no way that was going to happen because, at the end of the day, she didn't want to "come back"... . nor did I really want her back.  Maybe there was something we could do going forward, but with all the past hurts that was basically impossible.

But ultimately I came to an understanding - through my understanding of the disorder - that I had to forgive regardless of what I knew because it just kept me battling the same battle in my head trying to get it to make sense.  And that is just tantamount to picking at the wound... . reopening it... . and then getting upset because it won't heal.

When I first went LC... . nothing really changed.  I just didn't have her voice in my ear.  The arguments continued, the miscommunications continued... . and, yes, the longing to want to be back in our life together continued.

It wasn't until I went full blown NC and got a firmer understanding of the disorder as well as my part in it could I actually forgive.  And the hardest person to forgive was myself.

But it is certainly worth it.

[GaGrl]

By the time my DH and I had reconnected (knew each other as teens), he and his uNPD/BPD ex had been separated for 14 years.  He had probably 99% worked through his anger at her behaviors and the effect on their family/children.

But then I found myself SO ANGRY at her for what she had done to DH over the years, even to the point of affecting his health.  She had given him an STD that he still has to manage, his blood pressure is high, and he has several conditions that are aggravated by stress (which of course he stuffs).  I was angry and frustrated at the way she continued to treat their children, I feared for her influence on the grandaughter, and she just plain hated me.

I think I started to let go after doing some work from a book (and the author, a therapist, is here in Atlanta) called "Radical Forgiveness."  The premise is that the people in our lives who we need to forgive are connected to us in strong and spiritual ways, and each incarnation of the relationship is put in front of us so that we learn the lesson that is there.  It allowed me to take my anger and redirect it toward examining my own reactions rather than dwelling on her.

(Not that I still don't think she's a disordered hot mess, but at least I'm not living in anger anymore.)

I think what DH and I struggle with now is feeling sorry for her while we worry about what her dysfunction is going to do with their children as she ages (we're all near 60 now, and the older she gets, the more frightened she is about it, and the nastier she is while fighting it.)

[whirlpoollife]

Mywifecrazy, I understand how you feel and what you are going though.

Over our long marriage I forgave x2bh over and over again. It wore me out to nothing but a shell.

I had one forgiveness left. I used it on me.

[mywifecrazy]

I was asked to speak about forgiveness at my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight.

I will be speaking about how NOT FORGIVING someone gets us stuck in recovery and the healing process.  How holding onto hatred for those who have hurt us will keep us from becoming whole again.

COINCIDENCE?

I  liken something like that to "a  God thing."  Go with it and see where it takes you!  please let us know how it goes.

I was very anxious and could actually feel the emotions of holding onto the hate when I got up,to speak. I told the truth about how I feel stuck because of the hate that's inside of me.  I shared that I know I have to forgive her for hurting me not for her sake but for MY sake. I shared how I'm only hurting myself with the anger that I have from unforgiveness. How it takes my focus off of me and my boys and my life and keeps me focused on her and her r/s. In essence I am allowing myself to be controlled by them. I also shared that their are times when I am letting it go and it's at those times that I'm at peace and I feel great and I actually feel Gods presence in my life.

I was also honest and told them that it will take a lot of work on my part and that for now it will be a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I need to be realistic and know that it will take some time and that it's ok to have these feelings but I MUST process them in a healthy way.

And I ended with... . "Thanks for letting me share".

And you know what. All the tension and anxiety I felt before I spoke was lifted away from me. I felt great afterwards. I know it will come back but If I keep,letting it out in healthy ways eventually it will be permanently  removed.

[mywifecrazy]

Ooops

[mywifecrazy]

I was asked to speak about forgiveness at my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight.

I will be speaking about how NOT FORGIVING someone gets us stuck in recovery and the healing process.  How holding onto hatred for those who have hurt us will keep us from becoming whole again.

COINCIDENCE?

I can definitely see the reasoning in how not forgiving can keep someone stuck.  Call it forgiving or letting go... . all I know is it took me forever to get to a point where I could actually forgive my PDexw and her actions.  Part of the reason was because I was stuck between intellect and emotion.  My intellect kept telling me it is hard to forgive someone if I don't know exactly what happened (stuff which was kept and done in secret) to forgive.  And my emotions because I was so hurt and torn up inside.

YES!

This is exactly what I'm dealing with. I was so caught off guard and fooled by her. When I finally caught her in the affair everything from the past 20 years started coming out. Like you said everything was done behind my back in secrecy for 20 years. All the lies to cover up the secrets! And like you I still don't know what fully happened in our entire relationship. It was like a tsunami when all the lies and secrets started to be exposed and they just kept coming, a flood of 20 years of lies really messes with your emotions.

Now I'm trying to get to the point where I don't focus on all the lies and secrets. I know it's part of her disorder. Going no contact has really helped me. I first I thought I was being cruel but I soon realized that when I was in her world I was still being lied to and the secrets continue and that really messes with your mind too!

I really feel good that I admitted that I have a lot of hatred that I need to deal with. And that I'm focusing on the fact that I do need to forgive for my own sanity. I know I will get there it's just going to take some work and a little time.

[woodsposse]

 

I believe the lies are the hardest part to deal with.  Not only do you have to integrate that your special someone had been lying to you, you have to try and come to terms with what actually happened... . but the only person who can tell you what happened is the person who has been lying to you (so how can you believe anything they say).  So you are left in a quandary of not knowing anything.

Then, when you look back at times where there may have been unexplained conflict or tension - or moments they were distant which may have sparked illogical arguments... . and they make you out to be to blame... . you wonder how hard you were gaslighed (gaslit?) and how you felt during all that time even wondering what your problem was.

Even now knowing some of the "truths", there may be a tendancy to fall back on self-doubt which just starts the circular ride all over again.  But this time it isn't them directly doing it to you... . it's what is trapped in your head (and heart) which is doing it.

A vicious cycle indeed.

[mywifecrazy]

Wondering if anyone on here that is further along than me can SHARE what letting it go looks like for them.

I struggled thinking that letting it go would mean ACCEPTING her bad behaviors, accepting the craziness of her shacking up with neighbor across the street, etc.

My T asked me what I envisioned being healed meant to me. My simple answer was that when I saw her or communicated with her about kids that I wouldn't have ANY feelings. That anger, anxiety, etc wouldn't surface at the mere mention of her name. I know I'm getting there and the NC is what's making this possible. I struggled thinking NC was wrong because we have kids together but I'm now realizing that there's NOTHING wrong with it. Going NC has taken control of me away from HER. It has ALLOWED me to start the process of LETTING IT GO! I have to be honest I don't think I'll EVER have the desire to have any type of OPEN communication with her. I guess I struggle with this because we do have kids together. One day at a time though, Letting it go and putting all that in Gods hands. I need to focus on ME and keep working on MY shortcomings so that I CAN BE HEALTHY. STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO but it feels good to understand what healthy IS and to FINALLY be pursuing it for myself after all these years!

Feeling good about where I'm at now. It's coming up on 1 year (Fathers day) since she was EXPOSED and I found out the truth after 20 years. I must say that I never thought I would even get to the place I'm at now... . God is good!

[Infared]

MWC

... . I have mentioned before that my pwBPD ran off with someone, painted me black, they both act out in front of me in public, ect., etc., etc.

She also occasionally, when alone thinks that she can walk up to me and that everything in that moment should be magically as it was when we were together? (I move away quickly).

I needed total NC. (Although this is easier for me than you,  as their are no children involved).

I am in recovery, too.

I have had to realize and pray on the fact that this is a very ill person, still don't totally own that.

I have only been able to accept her (for the most part) for who she actually is. Not forgive.

I also realize and work on forgiving me for seeing the lay of the land(somewhat, did not know what BPD was or that she was one), before I started dating her... . but there was enough information there for me to avoid what I have been through. "I" chose to get involved anyway... . but I was also less healthy then.

Anger still comes up for me, especially if I have some kind of accidental (or attempt by her) public contact. ... . anger is a part of the grieving and abandonment recovery process as I have learned in my efforts to get well... You are only a year out of a 20 year relationship, so I think you are doing the things you need to do and that you just have to feel your feelings, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Things will get better. I know that when I have some kind of encounter (very rare these days), anger comes up for me and one thing that helps is to recognize my feelings, talk to others who understand and repeat the serenity prayer. That sorts out the immediate situation for me. I need simple.   Helping someone else (like you did speaking at the mtg), and getting into the immediate moment in any way I can is good too. I have tools now and can process this and not let it get to me to the point where I react in a negative, self-centered way. It does get better with time, self awareness and self love. Keep moving brother. Small steps in the right direction.

[Cumulus]

Hi MCW, you asked how does it look to others who are further out. I am just over three years out of a thirty five year relationship and life is worth living for me but still there are difficult days. My story is not unlike yours. It was a life filled with lies, deceit, affairs, and unbeknownst to me other issues common amongst those with PD. One of the most difficult things for me was coming to the realization that much of my life was lived unaware of the lies and deceit that surrounded me. At first I thought I needed to know everything, to find out all the details of what was hidden to me in this other life he led. I was finally able to put it to rest when I realized it wasn't my life, it was his. When I realized I would never know all that went on but I knew enough to see what it was. I am thankful the blinders I wore for so many years are gone. I dealt with the grief of feeling I had wasted so many years of my life. That I had shared important milestones in my life with someone who was untrustworthy. I grieved the fact that he loved me for how I provided for him socially, emotionally and at times financially, never feeling that I was loved for myself.

Yes, I have forgiven him, it was far easier forgiving him than forgiving myself. I still have work to do on that. I do think forgiveness is important. Without forgiveness I would have developed resentment, wanted and planned retribution and consumed my thoughts with ugliness. He would have won the rest of my life. I took it back and claimed it for my own by forgiving. Cumulus.

[woodsposse]

 

I agree that one of the hard parts was coming to an understanding that I would never fully know all the lies and crap which happened in her life when we were suppose to have been together.  Mostly because, it was her life.  I know that is a very hard and difficult thing to wrap your head around, but in the end - that is what part of the acceptance has to be.

I know I will never know fully all of the corners of the life I was living with her.  It isn't like she doesn't know or doesn't remember... . I'm positive she could write a narrative on it and walk through every feeling, every lie, every deceit and I could at least follow along and know.  But, at this point in my life I understand that it is no longer important.  Again, because it was her life.

Yes there are times I wish we could have had the open honest relationship which I thought we were having.  Yes, it feels difficult at times to forgive myself for how I acted/responsed - and it is easier to forgive her.  But I think that is just something we do.

All I know, in the end, NC made it much easier to get away from the stress and chaos and allow me time to heal.  And let it go.

[mywifecrazy]

My latest hurdle in trying to let it go:

Now my ex is showing up across the street with my kids. This is so hard to see your kids with a man who stabbed you in the back and betrayed you. Now they have to be around him and what? He's going to act like a fatherly figure?

God is good… I just have to trust in him… He has gotten me this far… And he will see me through!

[mywifecrazy]

New update:

It's also very hard to let go of anger when you see your 14yr old son sobbing like a baby because he's in so much pain from his Mom completely abandoning him both physically and emotionally. To know that the source of his pain is his own Mother and she doesn't even care.

I just feel so helpless. As a Dad I want to protect him from life's pains. The source of his pain is his MOTHER!

Ugh :'(

[mywifecrazy]

Read a post today by Out of Egypt. He was talking about how he needs to forgive to FREE himself. It was a great and insightful post. Made me want to come back to this thread and to see if I'm any further along.

Update... .NOT REALLY :'(. I still have good days and bad days. I think my situation is made harder by the fact that my X is shacking up across the street with the neighbor. It's a constant reminder and keeps taking me backwards when she is over there. I'm wondering if I should move 

It's so nice when the boys and I are away camping. We are at peace not having to worry about looking across the street. I'm not going to be impulsive though because I would have thought she would have moved in there by now. Something is telling me to just wait and see what happens 

In the mean time I will still focus on trying to let things go and Give it to God... .STILL WORK TO BE DONE!

[whirlpoollife]

Mywifecrazy , my sympathy to you for what you are going though.  foreverdad had recently posted his thoughts on the forgiveness. Maybe he can post it again as idk what thread it was in. It wasn't forgiveness but accepting what happened happened and continue on with our lives. His wording was better.  I have a hard hard time with forgiving my x2bh. So much he did was thought out evil and he loved it and it continues.