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Accepting compliments..
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Topic: Accepting compliments.. (Read 2012 times)
Narellan
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080
Accepting compliments..
«
on:
May 16, 2014, 07:42:22 PM »
Following on from a thread on another post, where a member has noted he has trouble accepting compliments. It was a lightbulb moment for me, and I thought " yes I always deflect the compliment" and in fact feel embarrassed when they are directed at me. Lots of people lately have said things like " you are such a strong person" "you have a beautiful spirit", "you are so wise" and I immediately feel embarrassed and deflect, or put myself down. Truth is I feel all those things to a degree, but don't like hearing them. I have a reasonable self esteem, but I don't think I'm any stronger, wiser, or beautiful than anyone else. I see and acknowledge these qualities more in other people than myself. Does anyone else have trouble accepting compliments and praise?
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froggy
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #1 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:05:40 PM »
count me in... . was VERY shy as a child... . and to draw attention to one's self in an abusive house wasn't a good thing.
What little self esteem I had 33 years ago coming into this marriage has been chipped away to almost nothing.
I lost 50lbs last year and HATE the attention it gets me... . especially when everyone noticed at once because I had bought new clothes... . wanted to climb into a hole.
I also don't like the stong or pretty... . don't think I'm either. You don't need to be strong to have a positive attitude. .it's a choice.
As for pretty... to me that equals weakness... . too much abuse in my past.
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Turkish
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #2 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:17:42 PM »
I recognized this about myself a long time ago, even before I met uBPDx 6 years ago. I just chalked it up so somewhat low self esteem. Like a lot of members here, my childhood would make a good Pat Conroy novel. A lot of people have said I should write a book (a compliment... . that's one of the few I take and believe). I would occasionally make an off-hand self-deprecating comment about myself, and it bothered uBPDx a lot, though now I understand it was more about her needing me to be "perfect" and "strong" because of her own sense of core shame.
I think it goes back to my BPD-lite mother (she is a diagnosed depressive, is a massive hoarder, and to this day at 72, lives on the edge of life in a home in the woods literally falling down around her).
I was a relatively easy kid. I know that (except for the pyro stage! but it was experimenting, I didn't seek out to destroy things). Except for the bullies, everyone always liked me, especially the adults. My mother would say how great I was, smart, kind, gentle... . except for when she raged. Then, and I remember this conversation to my 14 year old self almost verbatim. She was talking about the neighboring family with whom I'd identified (it had conflict, but it was at that time a nuclear family--- something I didn't have as the single child of a single mother---, and safe). "She's your
fun
mother, she doesn't know the
real
Turkish like I do! Everyone thinks you are such a good kid, but I know the
real
you!"
I got this a lot in those days, along with a rage so bad (with the requisite smacking me around) that I dissociated so hard I had a seizure as my brain just shut off (decades later, she admitted that this incident was the one time she
may
have crossed the line into abuse,
So I was the victim of years of Splitting. My reaction, I think, was to dissociate my feelings to protect my Identity, of sense of Self. I rejected her analysis that I was a horrible child (give me a break!),
but I also rejected the good things she said about me
because I felt I couldn't trust her. I think I carried this into adulthood, and still do to some extent. My T said early on, "you have trouble accepting compliments, don't you?" He then would get to me, as I saw him weekly from Sept-April, telling me I was a good and decent man, a good father, very smart, and to accept those things.
Likewise, while I take criticism well if it is constructive like having to do with my job (I have high standards, and like to work that way), I don't take criticism well in my personal life. 18 years after escaping my mother's house on my 18th birthday (and never having spent a night back there since), I met my uBPDx, and the dynamic returned, even with the diagnosed depression. What a parallel! I rejected both the good and the bad she said about me, because I had shut myself off so much, built up so much armor, that I was like a steadfast sentinel. It's part of what attracted the little Hermit-Waif to me, but my lack of vulnerability is part of what attracted me to her.
I attached to that which I lacked
. She even accused me of something like this in the end... .
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Narellan
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Posts: 1080
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #3 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:19:51 PM »
Yes I hear you... . I'd forgotten about the weight loss comments.
My mother always talked about vain people who thought they were better than everyone else, and I rarely got compliments from her or my father. They didnt want us to grow up being up ourselves.
Compliments were just never part of my life. Nor was kindness really. I really HATE people showing me kindness and empathy. It makes me feel weak and tearful. Just realised that as I was typing it.
But even now as I do monthly work appraisals, I detest it. I really find it difficult to accept I'm special. It's my job and I do it to the best of my ability. Why make a big deal of it? I'm much more comfortable with criticism, that I can work on and take on board no problem. That's a challenge.
I'm rambling now... .
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corraline
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #4 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:28:40 PM »
I sometimes think that if a person knew everything about me then they would change their opinion. Maybe they only see my strengths . What if they knew everything ? Well if i look back at the facts... . look back at all of the significant people who have stood by me (excluding family) then this thinking is invalid. My close friends that I have had for years have witnessed my weaknesses, my failures, my despair and alot of the shadow aspects of myself. I've let them see it and they are still with me.
So I am learning to accept positive feedback, it may make me a little uncomfortable and bring up my self doubts but I think I am better able to receive .
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Turkish
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #5 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:31:43 PM »
Quote from: Narellan on May 16, 2014, 08:19:51 PM
Yes I hear you... . I'd forgotten about the weight loss comments.
My mother always talked about vain people who thought they were better than everyone else, and I rarely got compliments from her or my father. They didnt want us to grow up being up ourselves.
Compliments were just never part of my life. Nor was kindness really. I really HATE people showing me kindness and empathy. It makes me feel weak and tearful. Just realised that as I was typing it.
You were never shown it. It was missing from your development, and you were, and still are aware of it.
Excerpt
But even now as I do monthly work appraisals, I detest it.
I really find it difficult to accept I'm special. It's my job and I do it to the best of my ability. Why make a big deal of it?
I'm much more comfortable with criticism, that I can work on and take on board no problem. That's a challenge.
All sorts of people say "you're a good father." 3 years ago, my boss's son came over to help me at my house with something (he's only been there twice in 4 years, so I don't know him that well). My boss told me later that his son said I was a good dad. I asked, "why did he say that?" He replied because of the way I had with my son, how I paid attention, etc... . I felt like the curious dog twisting its head trying to process how he could tell that, and why he would say that.
I get this now with the two kids. When someone says that, my my first thought it, "as opposed to what? Some loser of a parent who neglects and abuses their children? I'm just doing the job as I see how it's supposed to be done. Why make a deal out of it?"
I'm actually dreading Father's Day. I couldn't care less about it, actually. In a positive way, that is... .
I've actually had trouble when some people were complimenting and supporting me on this site, if you can believe that.
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corraline
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #6 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:37:03 PM »
Turkish
I've actually had trouble when some people were complimenting and supporting me on this site, if you can believe that.
I can believe that.
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froggy
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Posts: 167
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #7 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:41:53 PM »
Narellan
we didn't get complements growing up either... not with 9 kids... and my disordered dad was great at pointing out the flaws. .being a girl was a huge one.
He also use to pit us against each other so we had no allies amongst the siblings so it was easier to abuse us.
Turkish
funny how something said by a parent at an impressionable age stays with you for life.
I remember being 13... looking in the mirror... desperately trying to find something attractive about my face... . and as I had decided ... yes... I liked at least my eyes... . my mother walked by and noticed me looking at myself. ... then tells me... " careful. ... don't want to think TOO much of yourself"
already having almost no self esteem I took it as "don't think ANYTHING of yourself"
I turned 51last month and I STILL struggle with that one
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Narellan
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #8 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:54:44 PM »
I'm actually realising I've opened a can if worms here for me. As I read through your posts Turkish I am recognising some things throughout my childhood that I have NEVER addressed before. My parents always said I was a naughty child. I was the first born. I have sibling rivalry issues with my middle sister who seems to hate me and compete with me in a very unhealthy way. She was the golden child. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. I can remember as a 5 yo ( she was 3) one of us had deliberately damaged something, I think it was fork marks in the vinyl lounge suite. Anyway my mum made us sit on the couch all day until we owned up to it. She was targeting me with her anger saying how naughty I was. We sat there for hours copping verbal abuse. Then my sister owned up. And my mother was flabbergasted. I don't remember any apology from mum to me, or what her punishment was, if any. My parents were quite strict church goers and we were made to do the right thing. Another time I recall when I was about 13 I dropped the F bomb. Directed at my sister " F off" and she sobbed on me. I got the belting of my life from my dad. I mean BAD. With his belt and i was pushed/ pulled thrown around.
I was such a troublemaker. Really a bad kid.
I still drop the f bomb. That hiding did not prevent that.
I've never ever thought about these things before.
I just felt with my ex BPD it was the first time in my life I've ever felt unconditional love.
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Narellan
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #9 on:
May 16, 2014, 08:55:56 PM »
And sorry ! The above just came rumbling out of no where and really has nothing to do with the topic
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corraline
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #10 on:
May 16, 2014, 09:05:27 PM »
Narellan
It came out of somewhere... . sometimes it happens like that. Hope you are ok.
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froggy
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Posts: 167
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #11 on:
May 16, 2014, 09:50:29 PM »
Narellan
don't be apologetic. ... . and it has EVERYTHING to do with the topic.
My dad was a fan of the belt too... and my youngest sister was the golden child... not only did my dad spoil her... my older brother did too.
Had the same thing happen... . she got into my dresser and I pushed her out of the way and she threw herself to the floor and started screaming that I had kicked her... . well that got me kicked across the room .
All these things that happen as kids sets us up later to unconsciously replay them out and leaves a big red target for those with a disorder to focus in on.
just thinking. ... we start out with some boundaries and are trained to not listen to them... to ignore them as they aren't supposed to be important to us... . taught to second guess that gut feeling that is usually right.
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Narellan
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Posts: 1080
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #12 on:
May 16, 2014, 10:15:51 PM »
I really feel like this can of worms is more like a bottomless pit now. I have never questioned how I was raised. I knew my mother was very volatile. There was always outbursts of anger and rage, when she wasn't lying in bed depressed.
When I read others experiences I remember more, and froggy your post just brought back a vivid memory of my mum chasing me down the hallway screaming, and as I dropped to the floor cowering she kicked me, catching me in the coxics (don't think it's spelt that way sorry I'm typing too fast to correct it) I remember feeling like I couldn't even move from the floor the pain was excruciating. I think I was about 10.
This is really confronting stuff... .
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froggy
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Posts: 167
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #13 on:
May 16, 2014, 10:27:53 PM »
Sorry I triggered you and even sorrier that you ever had to go through it.
it was a different time... . it was considered disapline. Now it's considered something else.
I remember the verbal... the physical. .the mental abuse. ... . I've locked up the sexual so deep that I have gaping holes in my childhood.
Don't want them back... .
It all adds up to why we ended up with who though
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Narellan
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Posts: 1080
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #14 on:
May 16, 2014, 10:44:03 PM »
I'm not thinking clearly ATM so why does this relate to not being able to accept compliments? Because we don't feel valued ? As I said I don't think I have self esteem issues. When I'm depressed I definitely do, but overall most people see me as having a good self worth.
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froggy
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #15 on:
May 16, 2014, 10:52:41 PM »
I think it's because with the FOO issues as children we get very use to putting the front on that everything is ok... . when it's really not... . I think we build what we think a self esteem should look like.
But all the time that harsh parental voice is in the back of our heads... . "not good enough... try harder"
"your the bad kid... the difficult kid"... . or in my case it was worthless because I was female.
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Turkish
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #16 on:
May 16, 2014, 11:29:40 PM »
Excerpt
I just felt with my ex BPD it was the first time in my life I've ever felt unconditional love.
What is that? I think I know... towards my kids, but not them towards me. From a BPD, probably not. We experienced their "conditions" did we not?
Never having been shown healthy love as children, how and what did we learn? Unhealthy love.
I remember the hand at first "because if it hurts me, then I know I'm hurting you too hard," but the belt followed in not too many years... . even at that young age, I remember my mother's previous rationalization being discarded because of her uncontrollabe anger. *shakes head*
Married friends of mine, females, used to say, "you'd make a great husband!" And "why aren't you married?" I guess I was very validating to them (because they were 'safe'? hmm). They were visibly frustrated with me. Even my therapist told me, "you'll be married within a few years, I can see it." I see it, but I also don't. The latter more than the former. Rejection of compliments. I pay my T to validate me, do I not? My female friends don't know the "real" me like my uBPDx, the "bad communicator" and the "unmotivated" Turkish (actually, I don't believe this last one, her view on that is disordered).
My uBPDx wrote in her not so secret journal, "Turkish has everything a woman could want in a man, but I still can't love him." Leaving aside the BPD [twisted] idealization, I don't believe even that back handed compliment. If so, why was I discarded?
Like our pwBPD, maybe we run on scripts, written long ago in our FOO. Different from theirs, but with some similarities. Do I deserve Love? Yes, who doesn't? Am I worthy if it? Intellectually, I think so. Emotionally, I don't think so. Maybe this is why we are vulnerable to a disordered person even more desperate for that love themselves... .
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PhoenixRising15
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Posts: 164
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #17 on:
May 17, 2014, 01:04:50 AM »
I've always had trouble accepting compliments.
I've never liked attention, from when my trauma first happened.
I felt ashamed and quite terrified any time the center of attention came on me.
Any accomplishment made it more difficult to hide. I became known as humble, really I was just doing absolutely everything I could to run from the spotlight.
Then, I shamed myself for even thinking I was humble. Because that would be a "normal" thing, and I didn't view myself as normal. Rather, a monster.
And as far as the FOO thing, yes I had that too. I never felt like I had a stable house to live in.
My grandmother though, she was my savior.
Although, interestingly enough, she might have been the origin of the push pull. It was just fun with her though.
"Your mother thinks you're soo good, but I'm onto you."
Not to mention all the questions about my sexuality.
NO IM NOT GAY IM JUST AFRAID OF GIRLS OKAY.
That wouldn't have been taken so well.
Instead, a brow beating, but always kept light hearted enough to reel me closer.
I stood no chance with my ex. It's no wonder I have issues with women.
Thanks, FOO.
On a positive note, I'm pretty sure I felt spontaneously happy at least 2x today! =)
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PhoenixRising15
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #18 on:
May 17, 2014, 01:08:24 AM »
Christ, Turkish.
I was so triggered by the posts before yours I had to post, and then I read yours.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
:'(
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Turkish
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #19 on:
May 17, 2014, 06:02:21 PM »
Quote from: froggy on May 16, 2014, 08:41:53 PM
I remember being 13... looking in the mirror... desperately trying to find something attractive about my face... . and as I had decided ... yes... I liked at least my eyes... . my mother walked by and noticed me looking at myself. ... then tells me... " careful. ... don't want to think TOO much of yourself"
What is an insult, really? Would you say something like that to someone? I sense not. I might if I were joking, and it was one of my friends I knew well, and we "mess" with each other playfully. To a child? She likely said that because she felt not much about herself, and wanted to keep you down there with her.
I remember my mom making disparaging comments about other adults I'd say good things about. I was commenting on one of my high school teachers once, and he was very smart, and I loved his classes. I said that he did tend to mumble sometimes. My mom replied, "that means he's hiding something!" (?) Or I'd talk about one of my female teacher in a good manner, and my mom would come up with some put down of that person, never even having met them. All I remember is that my mother was zero help in guiding me to do anything as the end of high school approached. "just go to college!" Ok, how? Where? What major? Jobs? How to pay for it?
No answers other than because she never finished a BA/BS, her smart son had better do it, or it probably reflected poorly on her. The great thing is that some of those same teachers my mother disparaged realized that I was not getting any help from her (this was on the verge of her major mental breakdown), and they took the effort to direct me and even help me get some scholarships (not much money, but it helped, and helped bolster my self esteem that I was worthy enough for someone to give me money). The "fun" mom, who I stopped by with my kids to see on Mother's Day (I only see her about once a year), is the one who directed me on my career path. All it took was a suggestion, "this student gave a presentation on a technical program in my class at the college which I think you might find interesting, you should check it out." I did through the catalog, and just signed up for the program on a whim, more than anything, because I had nothing better to do. I certainly wasn't going to stay with my mom any longer past my 18th birthday. Turns out I had a talent, and here I am 22 years later, still using those basic skill sets I learned back then to sit here in a lab in charge of millions of dollars of high tech equipment, with a skillset not that many people in the world have, or even could understand unless they were in here doing it. All S4 says is that I work with "robots" in a way he is correct. Smart kid. I told my mom I'm published as the lead author and major contributor in a reference book that was extant for 5 years. My boss approached me to take it over from the PhD who was blowing it (I caught the PhD plagiarizing, so it's a good thing we did, or our company would have looked pretty bad if our referee caught it, even worse if he didn't and someone later did). No real response, or sign of pride. Told her I hold 5 co-patents. Same lack of reaction. So then I never told her I also a won a scientific photo contest two years in a row open to people in my field world wide (scientists, engineers, and technologists). You can search for "Turkish" online and find that stuff. No matter to my mom. I never finished a BA/BS, so I haven't "made it" in my mom's eyes to this day. Even two years ago, she suggested to me that I should quit work and go back to school to be a nurse (like her, even though she did nothing about complain about how horrible nursing was for 40 years).
The only good thing I can say is that she is proud of me as a father, and getting out of an abusive relationship with my uBPDx. When I first shared my BPD theory, my mom replied, "of course she's BPD." Projection? They never got along from day one, more of it coming from her DIL than my mom.
My point about this story is that all it took was a suggestion, not even any action, by "fun mom." Her comment was her caring about my future. She showed love. My mom, while I don't doubt she cared about my future, acted more in the vein of caring about herself, mixed in with her increasingly erratic behaviors. I told fun mom a few years back that I felt she was the most responsible for me being where I was in life due to her suggestion. She replied, "no, I think that's you!"
We don't know what we don't know. We carry what we know with us. If we grow up only observing that one script, and childhood can seem like an eternity to a child, then we keep that play going far into the future, which is why most of us likely ended up here. Imagine the tens of thousands of people like us who never make it to a place like this... . We should take pride in ourselves for having the courage to step up to the plate and be here interacting with each other.
Yes, that's a compliment
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Narellan
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Posts: 1080
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #20 on:
May 17, 2014, 06:33:10 PM »
Wow Turkish I love reading your stories. And I know you will rebuff this, but I think you're awesome
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Turkish
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #21 on:
May 17, 2014, 07:01:15 PM »
Quote from: Narellan on May 17, 2014, 06:33:10 PM
Wow Turkish I love reading your stories. And I know you will rebuff this, but I think you're awesome
Thank you Narellan. I accept the compliment.
I have a lot of stories, as do we all.
Most of them we had little control over.
Hopefully we get to the point like at the end of the movie The Neverending Story, we can write our own on the blank pages of the future, free from the trauma of the past.
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Turkish
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #22 on:
May 17, 2014, 07:01:35 PM »
<deleted double post>
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froggy
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #23 on:
May 19, 2014, 03:18:48 AM »
Turkish
I really don't think my mother was trying to be malicious with the comment.
She wasn't very connected with us... . between having 9 kids and my father for a husband... I think she was emotionally burned out. She was never very demonstrative. .no real affection... she wasn't mean... she never hit us... . she would wsit and my dad would over do it... . "wait till your father gets home" was her go to... or gound me for weeks at a time.
I think she was worried about me being conceited and as there was no real connection between us she had no idea how little self esteem I had or how very insecure or that I would carry what she said negatively for the rest of my life.
I'm glad you found a positive female influence to balance things out even it it tends to make unfun Mom crazy
I tried very hard to be the Mom I wanted... I made mistakes but they turned out pretty good for the most part.
You seem to be doing a great job with your little ones.
one thing having an invalidating child hood... it can make you an over achiever
How awesome. .as your son says... . you get to work with robots!(yes compliments... . take the you've earned them)
Phoenix
first off glad you found reason to be happy
I think the type of subtle erosion your grandmother did is more disructive than the blatant criticism. ... . never quite sure if she's serious or not.
I think having a disordered mother would be so much worse... . Although I grew up thinking that all men were like my dad... hence why I married who I did and have stayed for so long... . even knowing it was a mistake from the beginning and knowing I had to get out from year 1.
well I guess that's why I'm on here isn't it... . untangle the mess that made up my childhood ... thought I'd dealt with it... ya right
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Ziggiddy
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Relationship status: Married 10 years
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Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #24 on:
May 21, 2014, 06:19:10 AM »
I rejected compliments until I was 22. Simply didn't believe 'em. Oh except about having long eyelashes. That was true. I was suspicious of people's reasons for complimenting me and only today after reading this did I conclude it was because they were always a primer.
"Oh darling you're so tall! how wonderful. Not like shorty me who can't reach up there. Could you get me that thing? And while you're there, could you just give it a clean? Now put this thing back." etc.
Or it would be followed up with 'stealing' something from me:" You have a nice figure. I used to have a nice figure before I had children. (Read: you ruined my figure) In fact all the boys used to chase me around. I wonder why no boys ever chase YOU around? By the time I was your age, I'd had ever so many boyfriends. Sigh. maybe one day a boy might like you."
Then within a few hours I'd be insulted due to the frizziness of my hair or the colour of my shirt (which incidentally was chosen for me to wear. Not allowed to choose 'grownup' clothes. Still wearing skimpy too short age inappropriate clothing that my mother liked when I was 12.) Also, confusingly suddenly I didn't have a nice figure but "Needed to lose that spare tyre. Correction - those spare tyres."
I started to accept compliments after an argument with someone. he said "I really like your hair." i disagreed. he got mad and said that I was knocking back his belief and I had no right to do that. I thought about that. A lot. Then i realised I was invalidating people who might have had those beliefs. So I started accepting compliments even if I didn't believe them
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corraline
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #25 on:
May 21, 2014, 07:42:55 PM »
When I was as a young adolescent, we thought that the girls and boys that seemed confident were conceited. Nothing worse than that ! We thought that the girls who stood up straight were sticking their breasts out and showing them off. Nothing worse than that ! Don't wanna feel good about ourselves and appear confident ! Nope , so walk around with our shoulders rounded and hide our breasts, better keep our opinions about ourselves at a pretty low too just in case. That's how it was in my peer group. A girlfriend and I were talking about this a little while ago. She also grew up thinking the same. It was partly how her family brought her up, and also her peer group. Thus compliments , even if they were difficult to take in were not acceptable to even accept !
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Narellan
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #26 on:
May 21, 2014, 07:50:30 PM »
Exactly my history too Corraline. Hard to shake as an adult. I praise my boys up so much, all the time. And I tell them everyday that I love them. That never happened in my childhood. My parents were reserved in expressing love. My mum was great at expressing anger. There was always some drama or conflict going on at church or somewhere.
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Ziggiddy
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Re: Accepting compliments..
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Reply #27 on:
May 21, 2014, 08:41:42 PM »
OMG OMG Corraline! Just triggered me. I have been getting physiotherapy for years due to a mid back problem. My guru tells me "you've got someone 'on your back'" Which is true, BUT I also crouch inward to hide my breasts! I even knocked back a job where I would have had to work on a raised floor as I would be 'too visible' which was equal to 'showing off, being a showpony; putting myself up for compliments' Grrrr. And yet BPD always ALWAYS fishing for compliments and saying LOOK AT ME.
I also thought confidence was equal to arrogance. Wow. Learning something new every day!
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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Dad to my wolf pack
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #28 on:
May 21, 2014, 10:59:35 PM »
Quote from: Ziggiddy on May 21, 2014, 08:41:42 PM
OMG OMG Corraline! Just triggered me. I have been getting physiotherapy for years due to a mid back problem. My guru tells me "you've got someone 'on your back'" Which is true, BUT I also crouch inward to hide my breasts! I even knocked back a job where I would have had to work on a raised floor as I would be 'too visible' which was equal to 'showing off, being a showpony; putting myself up for compliments' Grrrr. And yet BPD always ALWAYS fishing for compliments and saying LOOK AT ME.
I also thought confidence was equal to arrogance. Wow. Learning something new every day!
That's the hard discernment, learning to tell the difference between healthy self esteem and the facade projected by a narcissist. If we're never taught the difference, like many life skills, how can we recognize
?
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Turkish
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12183
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: Accepting compliments..
«
Reply #29 on:
May 21, 2014, 11:08:57 PM »
Quote from: Narellan on May 21, 2014, 07:50:30 PM
Exactly my history too Corraline. Hard to shake as an adult. I praise my boys up so much, all the time. And I tell them everyday that I love them. That never happened in my childhood. My parents were reserved in expressing love. My mum was great at expressing anger. There was always some drama or conflict going on at church or somewhere.
That's awesome Narellan. My T told me that children mirror us, specifically their parents' faces. Just with that you can imagine how so many children are wounded in childhood. Our BPDs, and us... I make sure to look my kids in their eyes every day and tell them how great they are. DD2 awoke today at 6, cried from the other room, ":)addy!" I brought her back to bed with me and tried to nap for anther hour. I opened my eyes after a minute, and she was head to head, just smiling at me, studying me as my eyes were closed. I always tell her she is the cutest and the best baby in the world, that ever was made, and ever will be made (no offense to other babies). I also tell my son he is the best son ever (his name in another language actually means Greatest)... he once replied, " I know!" Hope I'm not raising little narcs
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
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