Getting needs met, bad boundaries.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Tonight, my uBPDexgf texted me to ask if I would be a "character reference" on her housing application. She cheated on her now ex-husband with me for an extended period of time. If you ever need evidence that these individuals' minds don't work like the rest of ours, or that having their needs met trumps everything else, look no further.

I calmly said no, allow me to add.

[BacknthSaddle]

Tonight, my uBPDexgf texted me to ask if I would be a "character reference" on her housing application. She cheated on her now ex-husband with me for an extended period of time. If you ever need evidence that these individuals' minds don't work like the rest of ours, or that having their needs met trumps everything else, look no further.

I calmly said no, allow me to add.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Wow. The nerve! No shame I say...

[AwakenedOne]

Maybe now she will ask her ex-husband for the character reference.

[corraline]

Good for you for setting that boundary with her !

And calmly too ! 

[Skip]

She cheated on her now ex-husband with me for an extended period of time. If you ever need evidence that these individuals' minds don't work like the rest of ours, or that having their needs met trumps everything else, look no further.

Which part of this offends you?  

Weren't you both married when you were seeing each other?

I know there was a lot of push and pull from her after you decided not to leave your wife and she crashed her life on all fronts... . sad and kharma on some level.

But what part of this offends you?  Why?

The cheating?  The asking for a reference?

Sometimes it helps to narrow in.

[BacknthSaddle]

Skip,

A very fair question. I've tried to give it some thought. I think what troubles me is the sheer obliviousness of it. It seems like such a request implies a failure to acknowledge the reality if what happened with us. I have struggled long and hard to come to grips with my mistakes and to try to learn from them and move on. It is somehow hurtful that she seems so blind to them, as if she doesn't even recall the reality and seriousness of what occurred and the serious potential impact it could have had on both our lives.

I think that's it.

[Skip]

A very fair question. I've tried to give it some thought. I think what troubles me is the sheer obliviousness of it.

Oblivious to the pain you felt over the relationship crashing... .

The tough thing in all of these relationships is we all tend to be oblivious to the others pain - her husband, your wife, her parents treatment of her... . and of course, the devaluation and breakup of your relationship.  And worse, pwBPD run away from their pain and shame... . it's too much to bare.

It's hard to deal with the fact that she is not processing this like you are... . especially when you both were so much on the same page for so long and how your feelings were so important to her at one time.

I struggled with this too.  And I also realized that I have done the same to others in my life... . where I was on a completely different page - oblivious to their pain.

Maybe this is the hardest thing about someone leaving us.  I remember this line in a Diana Krall song, "there's always one to turn and walk away, And one who just wants to stay, But who said that love is always fair? And why should I care? ". 

Love isn't always fair.Was there something more I could have done?

Or was I not meant to be the one?

Where's the life I thought we would share?

And should I care?

And will someone else get more of you?

Will she go to sleep more sure of you?

Will she wake up knowing you're still there?

And why should I care?

There's always one to turn and walk away

And one who just wants to stay

But who said that love is always fair?

And why should I care?

Should I leave you alone here in the dark?

Holding my broken heart

While a promise still hangs in the air

Why should I care?