Really struggling right now

[mama72]

You all know how emotionally depleting it can be to love an pwBPD, I am hanging on by a thread today.

I need to vent.

BPDD17 is doing an art project, she is very gifted artistically. I saw her drawing it last night, but did not look closely and did not have my glasses on. I could tell it was a drawing of hands. This morning, after she has left for school, I took a closer look at it. The hands are formed with words and phrases. Here are some:

"She doesn't even like me" (I know this pertains to me)

"I can't imagine her face when the nurse said "It's a girl". I can't imagine her face now without the worry lines and permanent frown etched on it, which terrifies me because it is a face so much like mine. It's like staring at a ticking time bomb".

I am heartbroken that she thinks these things of me. I have not been a perfect parent, but I have loved and provided for her every need. I know I have done my best. I have been at every appointment, every school function, piano recital, play, sports event, parent/teacher conference ect. I have provided her a wonderful education, multiple enrichment camps/classes, vacations, special events, birthday parities, "Normal Rockwell" holidays, and much, much more. I have truly done my best and the pain I feel that this is how she views me, is making me sick today. I have been the one that has been there for her, at all times. Not her dad, her step-dad, friends, ME.

I fear what legacy she will leave to my younger daughter, family members and future grandchildren?

I am a Stage 4 breast cancer survivor and I have fought so hard to stay healthy for my family. They are what motivates me to survive. But, what is the use? DD will probably be relieved if I die. I know that love heals and has healed me, but I am feeling no love from my DD anymore.

She also alludes to sexual abuse in her artwork. About 6 months ago, she said she was sexually abused as a child, but won't tell me who did it. She said it doesn't matter and ensures me that my younger DD is safe. It is eating me up inside that this may have happened and I am constantly thinking, "Who was it?"

I am having a really hard time not knowing who it was or when/where it happened. Can't she see how this can torture a parent not to know? She is in counseling and in an outpatient substance abuse program, and I have seen improvements in her behavior. But, now that things are settling down, I find myself wanting more answers as to what happened.

Am I selfish for wanting to know what happened?

Should I even care, if she is getting better and has "come to terms" about it?

How can I convince her to tell me what happened?

Thank you all for listening. I am feeling better now, even from when I first started typing! So thankful for this forum. I feel like I am not judged and well supported!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear mama72

I am sorry you are hurting today. The things our children do and say can hurt deeply. I know it is easy to say but try not to take it personally. Let her work with her T and in time she might tell you of her abuse. Try to look at her drawing as a way for her to cope... . she needed to express her hurt etc... . let her have that... . try to separate yourself from the art. Try not to take it personally even though there are hurtful things within it. This is a way for her to come to terms with her past hurts... . often when my dd is hurting the most is when she is at her worst towards me... . it is at these times I know she is suffering. Wait until she is ready to talk with you. That day will come... . until then you just keep being the best mom you can... . I am sure you have been a very good mom... . don't let her words change how you feel about yourself.

What are you doing for yourself? You can't ignore that... . take time to do things for yourself.

[griz]

I can't imagine her face now without the worry lines and permanent frown etched on it, which terrifies me because it is a face so much like mine. It's like staring at a ticking time bomb.

Sorry but I have never gotten the hang of the box so I copy and pasted your words.  I am sorry that you are feeling bad right now, but it is funny as an outsider looking in, I thought the above line had a tremendous amount of love it in.  She sees the worry lines and permanent frown and she probably feels a tremendous amount of guilt for putting them there.  

She doesn't even like me.

Again, I see it differently.  Sounds to me like she knows or feels that she has dissapointed you.  If she didn't love you she wouldn't care.

I too have the permanent worry lines and the look for a war torn soilder and although my daughter is older (DD19) she has resently expressed to me how horrible she feels about all that we have been through.  She carries a tremendous amount of guilt and I think at times that guilt made her seem like she hated me, like jellibeans said, I believe when they are suffering the most is when they seem the worst toward us.

In terms of the abuse, my DD was sexually assaulted at the age of 15. We have a vague idea who, where and when but when she was in therapy and the therapist got her close to talking about it she quit and refused to go back.  Like you, I wanted so badly to know but I have come to terms with the fact that she must handle this in her own way.  She may never tell me about it.  You are not selfish for wanting to know.  You are a wonderful, loving mom who has been there for her daughter and wanting to know is normal, I just don't know if it is that important to know.

Does your daughter see a therapist?  Maybe you could compliment her on her art work and open up a dialogue to talk about it.

[tristesse]

Dear Mama 72

Let me start by saying that I am very sorry that you are hurting today. I have noticed that our BPD loved ones have the innate ability to hit us where it hurts, and they do it quite easily. I agree with jellibeans about trying not to take it personally, and I also know that's easier said than done. I have been to hell and back with BPDD30, who is not very high  functioning at the moment, so I can totally relate.

I would let her be expressive through her art as well, maybe that is a coping mechanism for her, and she wasn't trying to hurt you with it, because she didn't share it with you, you looked without her knowledge. I would like to think it's because she knew it would be hurtful to you, and she was shielding you from that pain while she was releasing some of her own.

I am wondering if she hasn't told you about the sexual offender because she feels like you should have protected her. My BPDD had an abusive experience in her early childhood, and has held resentment for years because I did not protect her from the abuse. ( Once I knew about it, I immediately took action ) but in her mind I let her down, I should have been able to prevent it.

You said she was in therapy, and that's great. Perhaps her therapist will bring to whatever conclusion she needs to get to in order to trust you with the information. I, like you,  would fret and worry over it too. But don't push her, let her come to the decision to trust you on her own.

Good luck to you, and hang in there.

[mama72]

@jellibeans-I did not look at her artwork as a coping skill, that does comfort me. I am glad she is practicing her skills (if that is what she is doing), but it does not change the fact that she thinks so negative about me.

I am seeing my T tonight and hope to get some relief from talking to her. I also ate some chocolate today! An took 1/2 Xanax.

@griz-I can see our point about what my DD said, but the "ticking bomb" remark makes me seem like a monster. I am not sure my daughter has guilt about what she has done? Having guilt would only occur if she thought she was in the wrong somehow.  Maybe I am under estimating her level of compassion, but her actions the last few years, have been downright cruel. I try to remind myself it is the illness.

DD does see a T (more on than off for 10 years) but seems to be spinning her wheels a bit. I am sure she will work on the rest of her art project tonight. Maybe I will peek in on her if she is working on it and ask to see it more closely? May be just picking a conflict though?

bpetersen514- I do wonder if she feels let down that I did not protect her or if she is resentful that she felt as though she could not come to me about it. I don't understand, we had many conversations when she was a child about coming to her parents if something like this ever happened and she would never be blamed. We used to be so close. Where did I fail? Maybe I didn't protect her enough? Why didn't she tell the numerous doctors/therapist she has been to over all these years?

Questions that may never be answered.

[jellibeans]

mama

if you do peek in on her be prepared to comment on her work without judgement... . Your dd is luck she has a skill like drawing... . that is something she can be proud of and that helps her self esteem. I would not go looking for trouble but if she shows you I don't know if I would comment so much on the content of the drawing and more on the skill of the work.

I want you also to think more about how you have interpreted the drawing... . griz's take on the drawings is different... . maybe think of that... . don't read too much into it. It seems like it is a way for her to release some of her pain and that is a positive thing. I am an artist too and I can see that might what she is doing.

Give her the room to deal with her pain... . you can't fix her or rescue her now... . this is a healthy thing... . don't hold on to hurt and pain from years gone by... . after every step bakwards I try to put it in the past and go on with my dd16... . when she knows better ... . she will do better. I believe that and I have hope for her.

I hope your vist to your T goes well... . believe in yourself Mama... . you are a good mama that has done the best you can. Don't doubt that.

[mama72]

Another drama filled night.

DD returned from her substance abuse program, she graduated, I guess. Seemed happy with herself and proud. I showered her with compliments and said how proud I was of her. Really laid it on. She did say the she definitely will not smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol, but she will probably smoke pot here and there in college. Whatever, as long a she is out of our house, she will be held responsible for what she does. 51 weeks and she is out of here!

Well, our pleasant conversation took a turn. Feb 2012, she thinks I kicked her out of the house and this has left her very hurt. I did not kick her out, I required a much needed break from her behavior. My Ex even sent me a text that week saying that her would be home all weekend and if I needed a break, I could send her over. So I told her to pack up some bags, that she was going to her dads for the weekend. I can see how she would view this as a kick out, in some way, but I told her to just pack one outfit for school, I texted her dad if he could keep her for "a few days". She has blown this incident from over 1 year ago out of proportion. She would not move on unless I said I was sorry for kicking her out. Told her I wasn't going to say that, because I didn't. I told her that her feelings are not facts. She continued to argue that our relationship will always be bad, she didn't want to work on it anymore, she longs for a maternal figure, on and on about how crappy of a mom I have been. Whatever, not perfect, but have done my best. She stormed out of room saying "I need you to apologize so we can move on, don't you want to move on". Exhausted at this point, I gave the most insincere apology I could, "I am sorry I kicked you out", very monotone voice. SHe said, "I forgive you". She has to know I didn't mean it! I am sorry she was hurt by the ordeal, but I did not kick her out. Hopefully this is the end of her fantasy of being the unloved, emotionally abused, martyr that go kicked out by her evil mother. I just want to move on and stop having this fight over and over. She got her way, I "apologized".

Never a dull moment with this kid. the countdown from 51 weeks has begun. I know she hates me and longs for my love. She has it, she just cannot accept it, receive it or surrender to it.

So darn rustrating :'(

[chooselove]

I see a lot of insightful replies above.  I'm glad for all the suggestions to not take it personally.  When I finally was able to do that, my stress decreased monumentally. And it is true that the person the BPD person lashes out against is often the one they love the most, who has been there the most for them. It does seem to be a disease of projected shame. They have to dispose of the shame as they cannot tolerate it belonging to them so they attach it to us and in the process seem to shed all memories of what they've done to us.  My daughter will call me a liar and get extremely hurt and upset if I remind her of behaviors. It's a type of amnesia in that when I create a boundary she reacts as if life was all good and I just came along and arbitrarily did something cruel.  It baffles me. She has journal upon journal of things written about me that are awful. I think she does it because she is afraid she will soften toward me and miss me and yearns to be close to me and these writings remind her why she doesn't want to risk that.  Such a tragedy.  The life that has been stolen from both mother and daughter.  But yes, the only sane way is for us to depersonalize it. 

[tristesse]

Chooselove, your night sounds so familiar... . and I am so sorry about that. My heart hurts for you, because I understand how hurtful it is. When our children turn into spiteful monsters, and blame every woe they ever experienced on our bad parenting, it rips the soul right out of a person.In her mind , you did kick her out, and that makes her hurt. Reality is a tough pill to swallow for a BPD person, mostly because they don't feel worthy themselves.I hope you have a better day today, hang in there.

[TryingToBeHappy]

@mama... . I can totally relate to everything you're going through with your daughter, I'm going through the exact same thing with mine... .

She hates me, then she likes me, she says I'm a terrible parent, blows little things way out of proportion and has also accused me of kicking her out, when she left voluntarily because she didn't want to follow our house rules... .

The apology she wanted from you: I wouldn't have, my daughter also accuses me of things I haven't said or done, or she see's a conversation as meaning something totally different than what it is, this is of course all in her own head, she will turn a conversation into something negative, where the outcome suggests she's a victim, she tries to manipulate the situation into her being down trodden and I'm the mean nasty parent... . Sadly, she also believes it too, so her feelings of being in the company of mean parents, is very real to her.

Infact, as I'm typing this, I'm dealing with her... . She spent the night lastnight, and she was waiting on the bus to go to her boyfriends house, the bus hasn't arrived and she's now close to tears and getting in a rage because the bus hasn't showed up on time... . She is now in "ticking time bomb mode" I've just asked her to just wait for the next one, and it's no big deal, she ignored me and has now just stormed out slamming the front door. She now hates me again? For what reason, I have no clue? But I'll get on with my day and be happy, because I try not to let her behavior effect me like it used to.

I allowed her to spend the night lastnight because it was getting late and she came over for a visit, the visit was quite pleasant up until this point. But as soon as I went to bed lastnight, my younger daughter came downstairs for a drink and caught her making a bong to smoke her pot! I have NEVER allowed this, so I told her she cannot stay here again if that's what she wants to do, not in my house!

She drinks and smokes daily, no job, refuses to even look... . I really don't know how she's getting by without money, but somehow she's doing it. She's 18 now and behaves like a 5 year old.

[TryingToBeHappy]

Oh she's back again, this time her face is red, her eyes are watery and I know she's about to go into a temper tantrum... . I asked her what's wrong, she can't say, she probably doesn't know herself... . She's yelling at me now, asking why I'm questioning her, I just said that she looks like she's about to burst into tears because of the bus... . She's now yelling again saying "Yeah, lets go back to the old times where you make me feel like ___ and call me names"? Now I'm confused... . But I'm sat here typing because you can't say anything back or it will turn into something much bigger, this is a perfect example of how they read something into an innocent sentence, from me asking what's wrong, she got out of it: I'm mean, I'm questioning her and I'm making her feel like ___? I give up... . Now sat here silently typing hoping the bus shows up soon... . ggrrrrrr!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mama72]

Thank you for the support, friends. You are all so helpful and I am sorry you are having your own struggles. I am trying hard to depersonalize my DD attacks. It is extremely difficult. I have to morn the relationship I thought we would have, and try to survive the relationship that is the reality. I just want to pain and hurt to stop, for both of us. I really just want her out of the house, I want to stop being tormented and just want to live my life to the fullest, with joy. I want to be a loving mother to my DD7, be a better wife, daughter and friend. The trauma my BPDD has inflicted has left me feeling like I have PTSD!

When she brings up the past and the lies, I am not sure how to respond? I know it needs to be consistent. I have said to her, "I am sorry you feel that way" or "that must feel so bad to feel that way", but she just keeps laying in on me and does not hear a word I say. I could say, "I am sorry you feel like that and wish I could have communicated better with you" (which I said multiple times last night), and she would immediately say, "Why can't you just say your sorry and that you should have handled the situation better?". WTH! If I do not say exactly what she wants, she cannot process what I am saying. She is a Master Manipulator and I feel like she gets her kicks off of the altercations with me. Why can't she pick someone else to torture? Why me?

At this point, I wish she would go live with her dad, so I could have some peace. I certainly can't say that, she would say I am "kicking her out" again. I should have just left her at her dad's house when she was there. I know this all sounds harsh, but you guy understand.

[TryingToBeHappy]

I completely understand... . I was suffering with depression because of her... . My day would be ok and peaceful, I hated going to pick her up from school because as soon as she got into the car, we were all walking on eggshells again... . She effected all our lives so negatively... . I can relate to you wanting her out of the house, so you can once again have some normalcy in your life... . They tend to drain you and drag you down... . Then come the feelings of "I can't stand my own child"... . I got that so bad, I put a countdown on my phone screen that i would look at everyday, counting down the days until she's 18 and I no longer have to deal with this monster living in my house.

I honestly think it's a self preservation thing, when you are forced to be around somebody so toxic, your mind is trying to find a way of escape... . I don't feel close to my daughter at all... . I love her, but I don't want to be around her, my stomach turns when I see her approaching our home now, but at least she's not living here now and we can somewhat live normal peaceful lives... . It's harsh to say, but everyone in my household is so happy now she's gone, its so much more peaceful, we laugh together more and the family relationships have stengthened and we no longer have to watch what we say, we can joke around and not have to worry whether she's within earshot of twisting our jokes into something which is attacking her.

[pessim-optimist]

I am really sorry mama72... . We all hoped for a positive, loving relationship with our child, and instead we got all this pain... . And I agree with you - many of us DO have different severity of PTSD symptoms. We do need to create a safe place for ourselves, a haven protected from the chaos. We need to be safe and feel safe before we can help our children. Only then we can start seeing their own pain and attend to it.

When we feel like we can't go on like this anymore, it's our body telling us something needs to change. There is too much stress.

1. What can you do to reduce the stress right now (taking breaks, taking time for yourself to relax and find peace and sanity)?

2. Long-term, number one is very important, plus, learning some of the tools on this site or from books on BPD will be of great value to bring peace and reduce chaos in your life - there is hope, mama72! 

My husband and I just talked today about how hard it is to remember we are not talking to someone like us, someone who is actually going to understand and process information the way we would.

Talking to a pwBPD is like learning a completely different language. The confusing part is that they seem to be using our language, but they aren't really... . In short, their emotions run high and tend to jumble up the information that is coming in (=cognitive distortions). Also, they tend to interpret situations in a more negative way and seem to think that the negativity is pointed their way. What a painful way to live... .

So, in a way, not taking things personally is a good first step that allows us to then focus on what is actually going on, rather than what they are saying. Those are usually two different things.

When we fail to see what the undercurrent is below the words, we set ourselves up for frustration on both sides. At that time, we are each speaking different languages.

She would not move on unless I said I was sorry for kicking her out. Told her I wasn't going to say that, because I didn't. I told her that her feelings are not facts.

... . She stormed out of room saying "I need you to apologize so we can move on, don't you want to move on". Exhausted at this point, I gave the most insincere apology I could, "I am sorry I kicked you out", very monotone voice. SHe said, "I forgive you". She has to know I didn't mean it!

This must have been super stressful and frustrating. I've been there... .

Your gut instinct was correct - you cannot apologize for something you did not do. That is called 'validating the invalid'. Furthermore, like you said, your dd knows you were not sincere, so it did not resolve her pain from the past situation... .

I am sorry she was hurt by the ordeal, but I did not kick her out. Hopefully this is the end of her fantasy of being the unloved, emotionally abused, martyr that go kicked out by her evil mother. I just want to move on and stop having this fight over and over. She got her way, I "apologized".

'I am sorry she was hurt by the ordeal' - that is the part that you CAN validate ('validating the valid' = it was an ordeal for her, and a trauma that she feels hurt by.

'but I did not kick her out' - that is something that you don't need to validate (you can let yourself off the hook here)

Your comment above is something logical (you apologized, so it should be over) - not so with persons wBPD.

I bet you both felt frustrated and invalidated after the conversation was over (a no-win, lose-lose situation). I am sorry. Those are really, really frustrating. 

But you know what? We usually get lots of do-overs, and we can only do our best each time.

With time, you might discover more and more things to validate while not admitting to things you have not done, so your dd can feel better about herself and stop bringing the situation up.

Communicating with our child w/BPD is hard work... .  

Hang in there... . Does the above make sense?

[chooselove]

I appreciate that you noted "we usually get lots of do-overs," ... . very true.  When I finally realized that it calmed me a great deal when I had blown it with a poor reaction.  Thank you for mentioning that.

[mimis]

I really understand what you are feeling.  It is a relief when the BPDD is not around 24/7.MY DD22 lives with her older sister as they own a house together.  My older NBPDD is at her wits end and is planning on moving out and telling her sister that the house needs to be sold.  Our BPDD can't manage on her own.  She works but can barely do anything for herself.  She hates being alone and we all enable her.  My DH and I are going to propose our BPDD move home so that our other daughter gets her sanity back.  This totally frightens me but my DH says what if she had another disease or mental impairment, would we turn our back on her? I am really scared but know he is right.  I am fighting depression and anxiety because of our DD.  I try to help myself but I find the best way to handle the situation is avoidance.  I feel awful but that;s the truth.  Not sure what to do

[Rapt Reader]

... . my DH says what if she had another disease or mental impairment, would we turn our back on her? I am really scared but know he is right.  I am fighting depression and anxiety because of our DD.  I try to help myself but I find the best way to handle the situation is avoidance.  I feel awful but that;s the truth.  Not sure what to do

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, mimis, and I know that the fears of future troubles with our BPD loved ones can really make us anxious, angry and frightened. Your husband's attitude is pretty commendable. I know that right now you are uncertain about what to do next, and I'd like to suggest that you take some quiet time for yourself, and then check out every single link to the right-hand side of this page. Please make time to read the TOOLS and THE LESSONS; I am certain that once you are able to understand better how your BPD daughter's mind works, you will start feeling calmer. And, once you learn the valuable communication TOOLS and techniques, you will feel empowered and hopeful. Then, when you start seeing the Tiny Little Changes in your daughter's reactions to you, and in her behavior over all, you will feel confident to do it again and again   

One thing I'd like to mention on this thread is that at one time, I also, saw my BPD loved ones in a negative light (especially my Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law), and I've realized something powerful and important since learning the information available on this site, and especially while taking this Workshop: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

I'd been letting my anger, fear and thoughts of my own BPD loved ones as being "monsters" color every single transaction I had with them. It affected the way I thought about them and every single situation I had with them; it colored the way I heard every single word that they said to me, and how I interpreted every word and action. I found that the negativity sometimes (most times?) started with my own interpretations of what they said or did. Even, sometimes, my own interpretations of how they looked at me when they said or did what they did!

Once I understood better the way their minds were working, and felt empathy for the way they were feeling as they had to deal with their lives, I was able to separate my own feelings and interpretations from the situations and look at them more clearly and less painfully, less attached to their feelings in a reactive way. Does that make sense? And though both my M-I-L and D-I-L are probably undiagnosed BPD, it was my own changes in attitiude and understanding that has made the biggest difference in my life. And they, in turn, react to me and treat me differently now. It really is remarkable... .

Had I continued with my negative thought-patterns regarding them in every word, deed or situation regarding them, things would never have gotten better, and I would still be angry, hurt, emotional, frustrated and hopeless about them. My life has become so much better... . Please check out that stuff to the right of this page 

[jellibeans]

Rapt... . I think you really hit on something. I really have found that I have done that in the past and at times fall into that pattern even now. I think being aware is the first step to change.

I also think I needed to realize my anger was not so much with my dd but more so how I reacted to my dd in the situation or conflict at the time. When I really thought about it I was upset at myself.

Did you ever get to comment on the drawing? I was just wondering. My dd just asked me for a place to paint out of the blue. I bought her supplies and she has been working on one painting after another... . now if I can just get her to study for her exams this week!

Mama... . could you have said something like this?... . I can see how you might have interpreted me asking you to pack a bag as kicking you out. That must have been a hard times for you full of stress etc. I am always going to love you and I really hope you understand that at the time I just needed a break for the weekend. You are always welcomed here as long as you can abide by the rules.?

[Dibdob59]

Hi Rapt Reader

I have tried to read the links to the right of the page but am I the only one who feels like a failure trying to do this?  

I am so exhausted and struggle to maintain concentration and there is so much there to read. Within each tool and lesson I click on there are further links, which lead to further links and so on.  The feeling that I am responsible for reading, digesting and putting into practice such a wealth of tactics to support my UBPDS is totally overwhelming.

Is this just me or does anyone else feel this way?  

Dibdob

[mama72]

Did you ever get to comment on the drawing? I was just wondering.

I decided to be kind to myself and not ask about the drawing. I was anticipating a quarrel instead of a productive conversation with my daughter. She has been very disrespectful in her exchanges with me the last few days. Not too many though, we both have been busy. Luckily. She started in on me late Saturday night and when her verbal abuse escalated, I just said, "Good night". I chose peace.

Mama... . could you have said something like this?... . I can see how you might have interpreted me asking you to pack a bag as kicking you out. That must have been a hard times for you full of stress etc. I am always going to love you and I really hope you understand that at the time I just needed a break for the weekend. You are always welcomed here as long as you can abide by the rules.?

Yes, I have said those very similar words to my DD. I have shown her the text exchanges between her dad and I before I dropped her off that day, asking him if I could bring over for the long weekend, and the text from him earlier that week, saying that if I needed a break, he could take her that weekend. It is no use. The more I explain, apologize, defend myself, the nastier she gets. She is an extremely bright young woman and has been very successful in debate (Last year. Too much pot this year). She baits me, and in the past, I bite. No more. I don't have to be right anymore. I am the one that knows the truth and not matter how much I plead the case, I will not change her mind if she has it made up. It is HER reality, not reality.

She is at her dad's house this week, and I am looking forward to the down time. Her last day of school is Friday, so she has finals this week, as well. I sure hope she gets some full-time hours at her job this summer! The thought of being around each other more…... Yikes!

Art is a wonderful coping skill. I am glad your daughter is expressing herself, jellibeans.

Dibdob59-

I was overwhelmed when I stated reading about what skills to learn to survive loving a pwBPD, too. I have just kept at it and I see myself improving. I still slip up, but continue to be mindful about how to cope with my DD. I read and re-read many books, articles and information on this site. I am also starting to understand that I need to be well to help her. When you feel constantly overwhelmed, not only is it tough on you, if affects your r/s with your pwBPD and other friends/family.

[pessim-optimist]

Yes, I have said those very similar words to my DD.

... . It is no use. The more I explain, apologize, defend myself, the nastier she gets.

It is HER reality, not reality.

You are absolutely right that it is her reality, not necessarily what happened. That is typical with BPD - when highly exited emotionally, their memory and logic don't function properly... .

I wonder what it is in her mind (pain that needs soothing) that needs validating... .

If it happens again, how about asking her a question? Something like: "Honey, what is it about that day that made you feel like I was kicking you out?" It may or may not lead to a resolution during that conversation, however you may gain an important insight about her memories/feelings of that day. (Just a thought)

I was overwhelmed when I stated reading about what skills to learn to survive loving a pwBPD, too. I have just kept at it and I see myself improving. I still slip up, but continue to be mindful about how to cope with my DD. I read and re-read many books, articles and information on this site. I am also starting to understand that I need to be well to help her. When you feel constantly overwhelmed, not only is it tough on you, if affects your r/s with your pwBPD and other friends/family.

That is a good insight!

Dibdob,

Feeling overwhelmed with all the information is common. 

I think that Rapt Reader was trying to say that the more you know, the better you will understand and feel about your ability to manage the relationship w/ your child... .

It's definitely NOT a homework to be done, or a measure of your love or commitment to your pwBPD.

How about just picking one book to start? Or going through the links that speak to you, and only the first layer (you can always get further if/when you feel like it)?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi Rapt Reader

I am so exhausted and struggle to maintain concentration and there is so much there to read. Within each tool and lesson I click on there are further links, which lead to further links and so on.  The feeling that I am responsible for reading, digesting and putting into practice such a wealth of tactics to support my UBPDS is totally overwhelming.

Dibdob

Hey, Dibdob... .

It sure can be a lot of hard work to get through the information here, especially if you try to get it all digested at once. I didn't read everything at one sitting    But, I did read non-stop for a solid 5 days before I even signed up for my membership here, then again for a solid week before posting my Intro thread. I also had bought "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger, and was reading that at the same time. I don't expect that everyone is as rapt a reader as I am   , but I sincerely want to encourage everyone with a BPD loved one to learn all they can so that they have the power of that knowledge.

Here's how I started: Radical Acceptance for family members, Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. With what I learned from "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and those 3 links, 12 days after finding this site my life and my relationship with my BPD son was changed.

I found hope and light at the end of the tunnel... . I felt responsible, at first, for learning all I could to help my son. In the end? I learned all I could to help me! My life is happier, less stressful, and more hopeful. And I really have become a better person... .

[jellibeans]

dear mama

it really takes time and I can see by your posts you are doing better and using some of these tools here. I have been doing this for a couple of years now and I still struggle. It is not alway natural and I am not always mindful but I get better everyday. This really takes time... . lot of time but it is worth it and my r/s with my dd has improved.

[mimis]

Dear DIBDOB,

I understand the frustration you are feeling.  There is a lot of information to read and digest. I have gone through the tools and lessons.  sometimes I get angry because it seems so much work on my part to understand and change my way of communicating and my DD doesn't need to do anything to change.  I have tried to put in practice the tools and admit that It doesn't come easy.  Have I noticed a change? yes, albeit very small. I have learnt to pick my battles, don't over react.  I have read, "stop walking on eggshells book as well as worked my way though the work book. I have read "lost in the mirror" to try and understand in more from a BPD loved one point of view. I am currently working my way through book "You don't have to make everything better" This book I find very helpful as it give actual examples of things you can say. There are so many resources out there and what I find is the need to skim and focus my attention on the material that I feel is right for me.  I feel I have a fairly good understanding of what BPD is after all I have an UdBPDD but this understanding only came with the information I have read and found on this site.  Before this I was floundering, I did not know what was wrong with my child. Now that I can put a name to it, It gives me relief as now I can actually research and find some tools to help me. Hope what I said kind of makes sense.  I admit I need lots of practice and I am so grateful for this community because when I am struggling and I tell this community I need help, Help is always offered in either way of how to say something or just another way of looking at the situation.