My Endless Waltz

[TiggerGirl]

I have been doing this dance with my husband for years. Its only been recently that I figured out that he has BPD, which is a relief, but at the same time, it makes things harder. Knowing him as I do, twenty years, almost ten as a couple, and almost 3 being married, makes some of it easier since at this point, I probbaly know him better then he knows himself.

    However, getting him to go and get help for himself, will be hard. He seems to acknowledge the fact that he has some issues he has to deal with since we've been seperated for almost 6 months, but so far he has made no move to get help. (He's a procrastinator by nature). I have been going to therapy for my anxiety and depression, and attending marriage counseling, alone, to save our marriage. I am much better at controlling my emotions and learning not to take things to heart and overreact. I do know who I am and what to do.

   But he doesn;t know what to do and he doesnt know who he is.  He has no clue what he wants out of a lot of things, including me. I told him that I love him and committed to staying with him, no matter what. He does acknowledge it, which is good, but still he says he needs to change things about himself first. But whether or not he does, remains to be seen since he is a procrastinator.  I know I will have a long road ahead of me, but he has always been worth it to me.

    It does make things easier to have a place for myself to go to, to be able to talk about this since no one else I know has ever had to deal with something like this. Its another band of support for me 

   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NewMom]

 

I feel for you! Getting external help is all you can do as he is responsible for himself - even if uncapable doing that.  You're very strong to go ahead and not ignore the issues you have.  In any case, no matter what happens, you will be you and stronger for it!

[Mono No Aware]

Welcome to the dance. We're all dancing here, mostly on eggshells and hot coals.

Now read the Lessons! 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

[TiggerGirl]

Have been reading through the first lesson. Has been quite helpful. I've also been reading some books as well and meticulously highlighting them. Makes me feel like I'm back in school again 

My husband has always stressed out over everything, and yes, its like walking on eggshells and hot coals. I never knew what kind of reaction I would get if I disagreed with him. He needs alot of validation, almost all the time. He likes the feeling of being wanted and needed, because he felt that he always had to do everything for everyone. I always told him it was ok to say no to people, but he didn;t always listen. I think he realizes that now, but I think he still lets others tell him what to do. I have resisted that urge the past several months. I;m his wife, not his mother. He has to make his own choices, even if I don;'t agree.

I have set boundries for myself because I have to keep myself strong. Not only just for me, but for him too. It won't do either one of us any good if I'm not. So I will keep reading and keep learning. One day at a time.

[waverider]

You cant fix his stuff

You can only build up your own stuff

For now just concentrating on techniques for not making it worse, and not having pointless dramas

A bit at time.

Keep posting and contributing. it may seem simple when you read it, but to truly feel it and make it natural to you is a slow evolution.

Is there much hostile conflict?

[TiggerGirl]

Actually, there has never been a lot of much hostile conflict at least towards me.  He's only yelled at me once that I can remember, and that was back in the fall. Last time he was angry at me and he didn;t yell, was the Sunday before Easter. He did get in my face for about ten minutes, but I was able to keep myself under control. And about four hours later, he was apologizing, and took me out to dinner. He hasn't done it again since then. But he is angry and it doesn't sit far below the surface of what he shows people anymore. Since I am not around him all the time, there's less chance of us having conflicts or a lot of drama. And he hates having conflicts as much as I do.

In some ways the distance between us has helped. I have learned a lot about myself being away from him and gotten stronger because of it. I have dealt better with his mood swings even though it hurts a lot sometimes and I do cry when no one else can see. But it is one step and day at a time.

[Lilibeth]

This is wonderful, Tiggergirl - I have learned a lot about myself being away from him and gotten stronger because of it. - Absolutely.

This is the way it will work, Tiggergirl, is what i'm learning to believe. We have to get stronger, and here you will find caring, and the ways of going about this Waltz. 

[TiggerGirl]

It has been a relief to find this site. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this kind of situation. 

Even some of his friends have noted his behavior and are concerned. One of them said to me today it's like my husband has a split personality. And the friend that he's currently living with said to me, my husband hates being left alone in the house at night. It's the issues with abandonment, which I explained to him. I know I can count on his friend to look after him right now.

Husband actually admitted to me that he hates sleeping alone and misses me in the morning. I hate sleeping alone too and miss him in the mornings. It's always a hope that he realizes what he has in me, but I don't think he's seen that yet, or ever will. I can only pray that he gets help for himself, while I continue to work on myself and make myself stronger.

But this is just another circle in our waltz. We will just keep dancing... .

[Lilibeth]

No, you are not alone, TiggerGirl. Tiggergirl, he's not likely to realize what you have in you as a person, that is... . but he will want to be around you for reasons that are his... . You've got to be strong there, cos that may hurt... . That is what Waverider says - you can only build up your own stuff and you will need to. Or, you may find yourself on a rollercoaster going downhill with no brakes.

It is good that he says he wants to change things about him - what he has to realize is that this is going to take a lot of effort - continuous effort... . it's not like he sees what works and that behavior is going to stick - it won't... . but yes, since he is aware, he may be able to control its intensity, and since you know him better than he knows himself, you'll be able to be ready - and even if he catches you unawares, you will know how to protect yourself... .

Take care of yourself, TiggerGirl. It's not easy, but we're all here at various stages of struggling! You will find a lot here to help you. You are the important one here... .

[TiggerGirl]

I agree about taking care of yourself.   Its something that I needed to do for along time. As much as I hate the seperation from him, it had the benefit of forcing me to get help for myself and take care of my mental heath issues, which is something that he had wanted me to do. He fretted constantly over my health, physically and mentally. I am happier and heathier in mind and body than I was back in January when this all started.

And with him taking care of his issues, I think he knows its going to be a continuous effort, but he doesn;t always finish what he starts, especially if things get challenging and he was never one to ask for help. He just never had a strong belief in himself over many things. And support from friends, family, and even me, don't usuallly help him. He needs alot of pushing and I never wanted to push him too hard in fear that he would give up or lash out. I don't even know what his reaction would be even if I mentioned him having  a PD. Probably not good.  :'(

[TiggerGirl]

I spent sometime with my husband today after work. Part of me wishes I hadn't. I just feel like I'm being used by him because there are only things that in can give him that no one else can, and it's just not the sex. Even though that's gotten hotter  I just always seem to be emotionally drained after spending time with him. It's like he sucks the life out of me.

And today he said that part of him still loves me and in the same breath he told me he was not optimistic about us (as husband and wife). I wish he hadn't said anything. I went home and cried. I know that it's part of the BPD behavior, but really, is it that hard to see what saying things like that do to another person?  :'(

[NewMom]

TiggerGirl,

my h used the EXACT same words when he moved back in last December.  I was DRAINED pysically and emotionally when he finally moved out again at the end of March.  I try to avoid seeing him and - even though it is also hard - do not engage in any physical relations with him as it might be "great" at the moment, the day after I just feel used and kaputt. 

I can so understand how you're feeling!  Take care of yourself!

[TiggerGirl]

This weekend, I did not hear one word from my uBPDh. I was a little upset, but I moved past it the best I could. I did things for myself this weekend, spending time with my sister on Saturday and dinner with  my extended family on Sunday. I chilled yesterday, laying out on my deck and getting a little burned. 

I do expect to hear from my husband this week, especially since I have not contacted him at all. Nor am I going to. Many have told me to let him chase after me for once. I am taking that advice to heart. However, it is hard because I do miss him and think about him alot. Funny thing is, he's never been able to stay away from me. He's had feelings for me since high school and we're both 34. What attracts him to me, I don't know, but I wish he'd make up his mind   

I just wish he would get the help he knows that he needs, but he lets his pride and excuses get in the way. I know I have a very long rocky road ahead of me whether he gets help or not. And its already a consenus among some friends and family, that I will be the one to make the decision to stay or leave, not him since I'm the strong one in our marriage. I pray everyday not to have to make a decision that will go against my conscience.

Only time will tell... .

[TiggerGirl]

Barely heard from uBPDh this week. Only heard from him yesterday and talked about our jobs. He was supposed to work on a couple things for me around the house, telling me for the last three weeks, I'll take care of it. Keeps pushing it back. I have refrained from asking him again, but now I feel that I have no choice. I'll just be telling him that I need them done this week, or I'll ask someone how to fix those things and do it myself. And when I've said that in the past, he immediately takes care of it.

His constant need to be needed drives him. He doesn't know how to function otherwise. He wants to feel that he's wanted or else he has no purpose in his life. He fills his life with inanimate objects that won't hurt him, yet he can't stand to be without people. The more I come to understand BPD,  the more I have come to understand the way my husband operates. I have constantly given all that I am and then some. I am holding my hand out to him, waiting for him to grab it and dance with me again even though we may stumble a bit. How long then should I wait? I know I have to live my own life, but he is part of my life. I'm just so tired. :'(