Reception down the street

[asher2]

My ex is getting married next weekend to the guy she had lined up after me. About six months after our breakup, she became engaged to this guy. Mind you, this is also the same guy she left after a couple of months of dating to start a relationship with me, but whatever, I'm sure it's a match made in heaven

After becoming engaged to this guy, she moved off with him half way across the country. I still live in the same area and this is where she is originally from. I've recently learned that the wedding is here next weekend and, as luck would have it, the reception is about three or four blocks from where I live, on the same street.

I'm 100% over this girl and glad she's no longer part of my life. I wish her well and I hope she's happy. But for whatever reason, I'm already finding myself making sure I'm not around the area I know she'll be next weekend. It really bothers me that over a year later, I still have to "account" for her even though I haven't spoken to her in over a year and her last attempted contact with me was July of last year (when she was engaged! I didn't respond).

I don't know if I feel this way for me, as a defense mechanism (even still today), or if it's because I still don't trust her at all. I'm really not sure why I feel this way and it somewhat bothers me that I do. There is one part of me saying "live your life and don't worry about her" and there is another that says ":)ANGER, DANGER!"

Am I overworrying/overthinking this?

[arjay]

Greetings.  I suspect part of her returning is a trigger knowing you don't know what to expect.  The other side of you says "who cares".  What I hear as your general concern is whether she is still manipulating your life via remote control, if that makes sense.  In other words you feeling compelled to leave town is simply a result of her presence.

It sounds to me like you are really doing great.  I would never tell you what to do at this point because each of us needs that "final closure" in our way.  It sounds like you are at that point where you want to be able to "pass her on the street", not even feel your heart rate rise (anxiety) and not even feel compelled to say a thing.

If it was me, maybe I would contemplate doing something really special for myself, whether I chose to hang around town, or leave. 

Peace to you

[asher2]

Arjay... . thanks for your thoughts. They accurately reflect how I'm feeling. The only thing I might add is that it might not be so much anxiety I would feel if I saw her. It's more that I'm afraid I'd say the wrong thing (as in anger) if I saw her. If I look at everything that happened in our time together (like many, many people on this site), our relationship was so manipulated, dishonest and unfair to me. That part of my life (thankfully) is over and I just want it to stay there. And again, I hope she is happy now. In other words, "what's done is done." I want to leave it there.

And funny you mentioned doing something special for myself. I've been thinking about doing that exact thing! Toying with the idea of going to Vegas for the long weekend!

[woodsposse]

 

It sounds to me that from the start your r/s with her was one of manipulation and 'game playing'... . PD or not.  For whatever the reason, I allowed myself to get involved with a woman directly after I got out of my marriage to my diagnosed wife even though I knew she was "dating" someone else.

Technically, yes, she was cheating on him with me... . and I freely walked into it.  I did rationalize it away, at the time, by saying - I'm not making a judgement call one way or the other.  It was clear to me from the start she had already made up her mind that she wanted out of that "dating" thing (regardless if they were BF/GF or what) so who am I to stand in the middle.  If she wants to see me as she makes up her mind what to do... . hey, that's cool.

BUt the reality of it (even at the onstart) was, how she started our relationship was going to be exactly how she ended it.  Once she got "tired" of being with me, she would put on a show for me... . while probably talking up some other dude and then make the jump.

It was fine with me... . because I was so kicked already to the curb due to my wife's antics, All I wanted was a little attention and healing (which I got in abundance).  So when that time actually came, I wasn't surprised too much and let her go peacefully.

I'm saying this to say - once I really looked into what my motivations where for being in the r/s, when it came time to let it go... . I was able to actually and fully let it go.  Whatever my now ex-GF does isn't a trigger for me because we were what we were to each other, obtained what we needed for whatever time we had - and moved on.

If she got engaged to someone in a few months and decided to have the wedding next door to my house, I'd only be upset if I weren't invited. :-)

[BacknthSaddle]

I don't know if I feel this way for me, as a defense mechanism (even still today), or if it's because I still don't trust her at all. I'm really not sure why I feel this way and it somewhat bothers me that I do. There is one part of me saying "live your life and don't worry about her" and there is another that says ":)ANGER, DANGER!"

Am I overworrying/overthinking this?

All I would say is: make your decision based on how you actually feel, not on how you think you should feel.  You can say "don't worry about her" all you want, but if it turns out you are worried about her, don't judge yourself for it.  Just get out of there.  You don't have to prove anything to anyone.  You just have to take care of yourself. 

[asher2]

It sounds to me that from the start your r/s with her was one of manipulation and 'game playing'... . PD or not.  For whatever the reason, I allowed myself to get involved with a woman directly after I got out of my marriage to my diagnosed wife even though I knew she was "dating" someone else.

Technically, yes, she was cheating on him with me... . and I freely walked into it.  I did rationalize it away, at the time, by saying - I'm not making a judgement call one way or the other.  It was clear to me from the start she had already made up her mind that she wanted out of that "dating" thing (regardless if they were BF/GF or what) so who am I to stand in the middle.  If she wants to see me as she makes up her mind what to do... . hey, that's cool.

BUt the reality of it (even at the onstart) was, how she started our relationship was going to be exactly how she ended it.  Once she got "tired" of being with me, she would put on a show for me... . while probably talking up some other dude and then make the jump.

It was fine with me... . because I was so kicked already to the curb due to my wife's antics, All I wanted was a little attention and healing (which I got in abundance).  So when that time actually came, I wasn't surprised too much and let her go peacefully.

I'm saying this to say - once I really looked into what my motivations where for being in the r/s, when it came time to let it go... . I was able to actually and fully let it go.  Whatever my now ex-GF does isn't a trigger for me because we were what we were to each other, obtained what we needed for whatever time we had - and moved on.

If she got engaged to someone in a few months and decided to have the wedding next door to my house, I'd only be upset if I weren't invited. :-)

Glad to hear you were able to let it go so easily... . I wish I could have been able to do the same. It took me a long time to "get over" her. It sounds to me like the relationship you were in was a bit different than mine. I believed 100% that she was no longer "with" the guy she left me for and that I was the guy she wanted to get married to. I thought it was fairy tale.

I now know she was not experiencing the relationship the same way I was. If I really sit and think about it, I can still get upset. But usually at that point I stop myself and think, "She's mentally ill. There's nothing I can do about it now or could have done about it back then." For me, when I accepted that (that there was nothing about me that led to the demise of our relationship), then I was able to move on. And since that time, I've taken some deep (and sometimes scary) looks at myself to see what drew me to a person like her.

[asher2]

I don't know if I feel this way for me, as a defense mechanism (even still today), or if it's because I still don't trust her at all. I'm really not sure why I feel this way and it somewhat bothers me that I do. There is one part of me saying "live your life and don't worry about her" and there is another that says ":)ANGER, DANGER!"

Am I overworrying/overthinking this?

All I would say is: make your decision based on how you actually feel, not on how you think you should feel.  You can say "don't worry about her" all you want, but if it turns out you are worried about her, don't judge yourself for it.  Just get out of there.  You don't have to prove anything to anyone.  You just have to take care of yourself. 

This made a lot of sense... . thank you!

[asher2]

UPDATE... . so the weekend was pretty uneventful. I stayed in town and didn't have any incidents with her or her family. However, one thing did happen that I noticed this morning that I thought was really odd... .

I logged into my LinkedIn account this morning and saw that she viewed my profile. So apparently, two days after she got married, she was looking me up on the internet. Maybe I'm making too much of it, but that to me is very, very bizarre... .

[arjay]

Glad it was uneventful.  Funny how we are seemingly "aways on high alert" when it comes to anything involving them.

Yes I suspect she will be checking on you for some time.  My 'ex' did the same.  I am "off the grid" now however, so she really doesn't know a thing about me and I like it that way.

Peace to you and congrats on moving on. 

[woodsposse]

 

It is "odd" how after these types of r/s we are always on alert!  I really want to relax fully from this but I know it is going to take some more time. Days are  getting better and better, but I still fall down from time to time.

WOrk in progress.