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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Your ex's relationship with their mom or dad?  (Read 7356 times)
AwakenedOne
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« on: May 22, 2014, 10:48:47 PM »

Was there something very strange with your ex's relationship with their mom or dad?

My ex's relationship to her mom I really thought was quite wierd and sick.

My wife (uBPDstbxw), has a need of the constant love and approval of her mother. That need is the most important thing of her life by far.

It was astounding to watch. Painful at times to see. Her mom, when occasionally not pleased over even some petty stuff my wife did would say this simple phrase to my wife "I am angry at you". And that phrase triggered my wife into complete panic always. I felt sorry for her many times seeing this. I felt when her mom told her that phrase it = abuse.



I started to have a problem with my wife though when she basically threw me under the bus so many times with her mom. She let her mom tell me off and didn't say anything and just stood by very timid. I knew she was scared to talk back to her mom. I expected her to empathize later or say she's sorry though when we got home at least to me. She never did which I didn't appreciate.

The most important need I would say she has is the approval of the mom. They are both best friends and shopping buddies. It is very bizarre and creepy. They are party buddies, gossip buddies and soul mates. In a way I feel my wife cheated on me with her mom.

Peace,

AO

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« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2014, 11:17:04 PM »

Yes, mine had a real issue with his mum. Apparently his grandad (his mothers dad) died the day before he was born so his mum could not really get close to him. That's what he says anyway.

He is not close to his mum at all. It was very cold the way they spoke.

Hos dad was his role model tho. But I've seen his dads ugly side. Once drunk his dad could become quite vile and abusive.

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« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2014, 11:32:48 PM »

MIL=longsuffering co dependent

FIL=likely BPD (serial cheater, affable on the surface, used to be wife-beater, the 3 eldest kids all.witessed this)

FIL's mother possible Borderline, based upon the stories I heard, though harmless very old lady when I met her... from another country, and that muddles a PD "dX"

My uBPDx experienced Parentification at the very least, with co-dependant enmeshment with her family that lasts to this day. Was proxy mother to her two youngest brothers, then 9and 14, when I met her. Possible emotional incest from her mother as well, but I am not sure.

Both my Ex and her younger sis have major issues with their dad to this day. My Ex channeled her father in our r/s, especially at the end with the cheating (at the end in one lucid conversation she admitted it), yet experienced Transference which painted me as her dad, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" So sick, so sad. And a but sick on my part for engaging in a Father/daughter r/s in the first place. It took me until Year 4/6 to consciously realize it, and I was horrified. She is almost 11 years younger than I.

Now she's cycled back to her pattern before me: much younger narcissists in need of rescuing, because that's what she's most comfortable with. Being a mom.
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« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2014, 11:56:20 PM »

My ex's relationship with his entire family is troubling... .

Back story / history:

He was born in Eastern Europe to an overly-doting mother (his uncle told me that she would follow him around constantly when he was very young shoving food into his mouth... . and I saw her do the same thing with his son).  His father worked as an engineer in another country and was not always around - though he wasn't completely absent.  His mother verbalized the fact that she loved him much more than his sister, who is 6 years older than him and was apparently physically abusive toward his sister.  She sheltered him very, very much and guilted him into being a very piously religious child.  War came to his home shortly after his 12th birthday.  Invading tanks rolled through his city and the murdering began.  His parents made the decision to send he and his sister to live with a family member that they didn't even know, but they (his parents) stayed behind.  As one might imagine, he cracked.  He remembers how physically ill he got and he is aware of the very distinct change in his psychology (not surprising, really).  He always referred to it as having been "sent away." Eventually, his mother's sister and her family joined them and she and her husband raised him and his sister as their own, as refugees, until his mother joined them in America 5 years later.  (On and slightly unrelated note, his Uncle is one of my favorite people in the world.  He has an amazing outlook on life and is just a generally great dude... . and all of it despite having been in a concentration camp.)

He never trusted his mother again and he still doesn't like her much.  She is a very kind, sweet woman, and of course she was always very pleasant to me.  He tries to "love" her, but he is still SO angry that he just can't seem to do it.  She guilts trips him, or anyone nearby, very well, and holds a good grudge.  He tries very hard to avoid her, but can't... . cuz it's mom, you know.  As for his father, he feels as though his dad was never around and wasn't much of a father to him, so he doesn't like dad much, either.  It's his relationship with his sister that saddens me the most.  When the two of them got "sent away," she basically had to become his mother.  They had a very special bond until she and her husband didn't help him with a move one time and it shattered completely when he got divorced and he convinced himself that she had taken his ex-wife's "side."  He doesn't trust her and can't ever trust her again.  It makes me so sad... .  He refuses to repair any of these relationships, and I imagine that if he did, it would help him on a really good road to recovery.
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« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2014, 12:02:34 AM »

My ex despised his mother; he treated her like dirt. I was too young to know when we met that if a man hates his mother, run like hell, because inside he simply hates women. They will use and abuse women unless they want something from them, and then they pretend to like them.
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« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2014, 01:45:58 AM »

Possible emotional incest from her mother as well, but I am not sure.

Turkish,

I never really heard the term "emotional incest" before. When I read your post I looked it up out of curiosity. In my story above my mother in-law is committing emotional incest on my wife right? It was a constant thing. Seemed like when we got married that evil person got jealous. That's what that is. Its so sickening. It fits so much. Her mother divorced her husband a long time ago and I guess from what I read the mother now makes my wife serve as her spouse. Above when I stated I feel like she cheated on me with her, it feels that way because she did. Not sexually but emotionally she sure did. It's sick. I am glad I read up on this though, this answers another one of the mystery questions about what I went through. Her mom is so evil.

Peace,

AO
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« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2014, 01:47:12 AM »

My ex had a complex relationship with both of her divorced parents.

Her relationship with her Mum was volatile, it ranged between over the top affection to loathing. They had a dreadful history... . Her Mum suffers from schizophrenia and beat and abused her throughout her childhood. If what she told me is true , it was a extremely traumatic relationship. It was a tense and unstable.

It was also fraught with her recently deceased Dad. He abandoned the family when she was in her early teens. She would call him regularly and be the doting daughter but when we visited him she was restless and irritable. I always felt uncomfortable in those visits.

What I really noticed is when we left after visiting either of her folks, her mood would be dark and broody. There would always be a very tense journey home followed by moody behaviour once we got home. She would go to bed immediately and ask me to stay away from her. Without fail, The next morning she would wake up anxious and angry and there was always an incident between us.  This sequence happened on at least 10 occasions. I dreaded going to her folks and would try to avoid it but she would insist that I join her and I would go along just to keep the peace. I honestly can't remember one occasion where the visit experience was pleasant from beginning to end. It seemed to get worse the longer our relationship went on.

Some serious family of origin damage there. This is most  probably the root of her disorder.

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« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2014, 02:15:14 AM »

My ex despised his mother; he treated her like dirt. I was too young to know when we met that if a man hates his mother, run like hell, because inside he simply hates women. They will use and abuse women unless they want something from them, and then they pretend to like them.

Mine hated her mother passionately, to extent that it was frightening me. When triggered, she openly discussed with me that had fantasies about poisoning her, pushing her down on the flight of stairs.
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« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2014, 03:52:56 AM »

Omg. I have been reading about Emotional Incest for the last two hours. That's what it was for sure. I haven't been so aggravated and sick to my stomach since the day my wife left me. Her mom did so much damage to my wife and damaged our marriage so much in the process. Her mom is such a selfish sick person. When I married my wife, I promised the mom I wouldn't leave her daughter and I would cherish her forever and I how I take these vows seriously. This sick woman contributed to a ton of problems for her own selfish needs and this was her ultimate response to my words to her at the wedding. I gave the gist of their relationship in the above story but there is so much more to the story. I literally feel sick. I wanted to just type this to vent and get a release. Thanks for allowing me to do that. Probably some people don't even understand what I am talking about. The simpliest way to sum it up is her mother violated her as a child, violated her as my wife and violated our marriage.

In the end it wouldn't of worked out though between me and my wife because she became abusive. I accept the end of our marriage. Probably no one would understand why this bothers me so much. It is so sick. Toward the end my wife referred to her mom by the pet love name phrase that my wife had given to me. Seven word phrase, how sick is that? I hope I sleep tonight. I am so aggravated.

Thanks for letting me vent,

Peace,

AO
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« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2014, 05:14:06 AM »

I believe my ex pwBPD received her permanent emotional damage when she was 5-yrs old when her father ran out of his marriage with the dog as well (devastating to a child at that age).  He ran off to the EVIL step mother. So... . my ex had a good relationship with her Mom and a so so with her step Dad... . not bad just not much there with him and her. (He alcoholic, but not abusive or anything).

Her Dad was a very descent guy, too... . but totally wuss-whipped and controlled by the step mother.  She "tried" to manipulate and control every one (I had none of that when she tried to weave her webs on me and  I would call her out on it). I tried to stay out of it unless her crap was directed at me or if she was being mean to my ex... . which was often... . but I would only be supportive directly to my ex (not confront the step mother) in those situations, and try to get her to stand up for herself against evil SM... but I would try to keep it balanced and say "hey, I really care about you, and she is mistreating you which upsets me because I really care about you, but its your relationship, you can do as you please, but I will not allow that woman to treat me like that". It was classic, my ex trying to get her Dad's approval and taking ALL of the Step Mom's crap for fear of rocking the boat and her Dad not loving her.

My ex pwBPD was always trying to please her Dad and get his approval and the Evil step Mom would be jealous and always have to get involved in unhealthy ways. The father, a very decent guy, would never stand up for his daughter when the SM was emotionally mistreating her though.  The SM totally ruled that roost.

I got along with everyone (especially her Mom and Dad and they really seemed to like me), but with the step mother... . our relationship wasn't horrible... . but it could be volatile  when SM tried to run her black magic directly on me. I would directly call her out on it and she would stop.

The birth parents did not interact at all... . I sensed that my ex's Mom (who was quite sweet) was still in pain for being abandoned by her husband and had always loved and missed him... . but was also angry about what his choices had been.

I just hated to see my ex get hurt in that sick triangle with the step Mom and the Dad... it always upset me so. My ex was also upset about the pain her Mom had gone thru and the fact that she was living with an alcoholic.

My ex tried to make nice and you could see, that there was the childhood pain there of her thinking that her parents breakup was somehow her fault. I did love her, saw all this and tried to be supportive and protective when possible.

I think I had been a good influence in my ex's life.

I understand now when and how her mental damage occurred... . but that doesn't change her behaviors in any way, unfortunately.
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« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2014, 05:48:09 AM »

My x is 38 yrs old and lives in her parents second home.  Her mother will often come and stay for long periods.  I always liked her parents but there was this feeling that her mother had a hold on my X.  The first year of our relationship she slept over maybe once.  She has an eating disorder and her mother always seemed to focus on that.  My x is noticeably emotionally immature but I'm noticing it more now that I'm becoming educated.  She calls her mother daily when she's not here.  When she was here there always seemed to be a curfew.  My x once told me that her mother doesn't know about us having sex.  I got my x pregnant twice (could have been me or the five other guys she was doing).  We broke up once and I went to her parents and told them I loved her and also explained the pregnancy and miscarriages.  We ended up getting back together and when I asked her what her parents said to her after I left that day she said "They were fine but I didn't want my mom to think I was a slu*  Something else that bothered me was my x telling me her mother would often sleep with her or take a nap in her room!  Obviously there are some serious problems letting to.  I think that for my X to even think of treatment some day she would have to go NC with her family!  That will never happen which makes it easier for me to let go.  Day 9 of NC for me today Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2014, 06:57:06 AM »

I am sure most of us have dramatic stories about the dysfunctional relationships in our BPD person's FOO.

My almost ex BPDh told of the most horrific childhood.

Mother was a morphine, codeine, pethadine addict.  She used during the full term of pregnancy with him (second son) but not with the first son.

She hated her second son with every fibre in her being.  She got divorced from his father shortly after he was born.  Sometimes he even doubts that it is his father.

They moved around from city to city and the mother was involved with unsafe people and often left the children unsupervised or with unsafe people.

He thinks he was sexually abused as a baby by many strangers. He was definitely sexually molested by his mother's brother from age 7 - 13.  The uncle was a pedophile. The mother apparently turned a blind eye to this and accepted payment from the uncle.

His mother abused him physically and psychologically, she hit him and ridiculed him and neglected him.  His brother was always the favourite who could do no wrong.  The mother used torture tactics on my ex, and got the brother, as a child (2 years older) to join in in the "torture games" (choking him, putting plastic bag over his face, dunking him in the bathtub face down).

The mother then started sexually molesting him from puberty onwards until his late teens.  He would be told that he was actually having consensual sex with her because his body co-operated in the act.

His mother died in 2008 very dramatically of a succession of strokes, she had a brain aneurysm years previously and was basically bed-ridden after that.  The last thing she said to him was "I hate you", apparently.

The father was a very absent parent.  Sounds like he only checked in with them now and again and defaulted on his parental duty to pay maintenance for the children.  His father was also quite sadistic  and cruel by the sounds of it.  In his early thirties, the father had him arrested and put in jail for heroin possession and theft.  He was in jail awaiting trial for about 2 weeks, where he was gang-raped.  Somehow, all charges were dropped and when he was discharged from jail, his father fetched him and told him he hates him, he is a loser, etc etc.

The only good person in his family seems to have been his late paternal grandmother.  She paid for him to go to rehab after he was released from prison.

When I met him, it seemed as though he had a bittersweet relationship with his mom and his brother. He claimed to miss them and love them etc. But then as he started revealing more, I could see that all is not as it seemed.  It was only in November of last year, that he finally divulged the incest story with his mother, although I already had my strong suspicions along those lines.

He also claims that his father possibly sexually molested him as a child.

Whew.  A lot of heavy, bad, damaged, dysfunctional, untenable things.  This was also part of my FOG at finally deciding that I could not be with this man any more. Ironically enough, he will never understand that none of this stuff that happened to him is directly, per se, the thing that has driven me away. I did not freak out about the sexual abuse, the incest, etc.  It just made me terribly sad and gives me a deep heavy feeling of remorse for him in my heart. But, unfortunately, all of this stuff, and I do believe all of it could be true, because he was always very consistent in how he told it to me (no gaps detectable), all of  this stuff caused him to develop BPD. And that is what drove me away.   
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« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2014, 10:38:00 AM »

In the end it wouldn't of worked out though between me and my wife because she became abusive. I accept the end of our marriage. Probably no one would understand why this bothers me so much. It is so sick. Toward the end my wife referred to her mom by the pet love name phrase that my wife had given to me. Seven word phrase, how sick is that? I hope I sleep tonight. I am so aggravated.

That must have been shocking, AO. I'm glad you found your answers, as sick as they are.

Emotional, or "covert" incest can have many levels, at the most extreme leading up to sexual activities or inappropriate affection. In the middle and the lower end, making a child the emotional confidante for the parent or caregiver, exposing the victim to mature concepts that a developing mind can't grasp. It twists a young child's mind in unhealthy directions.

In your reading, you probably know that one of the last burdens a parent should put onto a child is to feel responsible for their parent's feelings. That is a loaded relationship turned backwards. As nons and adults, it's hard enough to be in this position. We know as the former partners of Borderlines how difficult it is to be a proxy parent for an emotional child who never grew up, and how frustrating it was to be made responsible for their feelings. We didn't understand, but by coming here, we begin to see the r/s for what it was.

How can a child process these things? How much does it utterly mess them up and establish life-long patterns which results in dysfunctional interpersonal relationships later in life? I have no doubt some of us here may have been victims of this type of behavior, too, put upon us by our parents.

The uBPDx used to call the kids, crying on the phone how much she missed them and loved them (sometimes less than 24 hours after seeing them). I told me T of these incidents, and he said, "the kids aren't responsible for her feelings." No, indeed. That is the lightest hint of what may come for S4 and D2. I will be watching carefully as they grow up.
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« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2014, 10:43:24 AM »

well the bf, was beaten from his dad growing up, his dad was an alcoholic and mom was a pill popper to deal with the alcoholic husband... . BF had huge abandonment issues, tries to stay in touch with his dad, but his dad does nothing, doesn't call, doesn't visit none of that his dad is a 'reclused'... . funny thing is the bf turns out the same way... . he has abandonment issues with his children who all won't speak with him.

I just see alot of "drama" with the his entire family.
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« Reply #14 on: May 23, 2014, 10:53:43 AM »

Yikes, you all seem to have alot of information about the serious FOO issues with your BPD ex's.

I had little details.  I knew that he thought his mom was a narcissist and she didn't give him the love he needed.  He said that she would either be too much in his face or not enough.  Never heard anything seriously abusive.  His relationship with his mother was what he referred to when he was trying to tell me why he had the issues in relationships with women as an adult.  He claimed that i did not remind him of his mother at all.  My ex was doing emdr for his trauma issues related to her.  His mother is very elderly and lives far away, not much contact. His father passed away years ago, who he says was a strong loving parent.  He also said his aunt was like his mother and she basically took on that role.  He felt loved and supported by his father  and aunt and he was grateful for this.
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« Reply #15 on: May 23, 2014, 11:08:21 AM »

My ex's Mom died when she was young (that's what she told me, I found out recently that she died 10 years after my ex told me she did and she died in a mental hospital). 

My ex's Dad she was not close with at all, and claimed that he abused her.

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« Reply #16 on: May 27, 2014, 04:35:22 PM »

infared, you said

Excerpt
I understand now when and how her mental damage occurred... . but that doesn't change her behaviors in any way, unfortunately.

This is pretty key understanding for those of us healing/recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD. I would always feel so sorry for my husband, what an awful childhood, your mama didn't know how to love you, nobody supported you on and on. Never mind that I grew up with an alcoholic pedophile and a NPD/BPD mother!

When I would tell my T about the things I felt sorry for him for and that's why i'd been too easy on him, she'd say "But look at your childhood. Look at the work you've done!" And it was true, it's all a matter of seeing the way you are affecting the people you love and if you're hurting them, working to change that dynamic. I know that a pwBPD isn't able to see themselves that clearly, but one way or the other it's about taking the time to choose how we want to make others feel.

I would suspect that my h's mother had some sort of personality disorder. She would beat him with a yardstick as a 3 or 4 year old for puking up the plain crushed aspirin she'd just made him swallow because he was sick. Not a real nurturer. She was suspicious of everyone. His dad was depressed and unavailable and unsupportive. We saw them a LOT over the years, even though my h didn't have much of a r/s at all with either of them. In fact, he and I decided at one point after his parents retired that we would start hugging them because they never hugged us at all.

It's the oddest thing to me that even though he had very little actual caring r/s with either parent, we were with them frequently. I guess they liked the grandchildren.

Awakened One, what a strange r/s your ex has with her mother. Some of it reminds me of PTSD sorts of survival responses to her mom.

Elpis
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« Reply #17 on: May 27, 2014, 05:40:21 PM »

I always wondered about this. My BPDx has all the classic symptoms, and it turns out her sister has many of them too. But the three brothers don't, far as I can tell. They're jerks, but if they're BPD, they hide it very well.

Any thoughts on what happened? I've always had my suspicions that my ex and her sister may have been abused... .
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« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2014, 08:55:53 PM »

Awakened One, what a strange r/s your ex has with her mother. Some of it reminds me of PTSD sorts of survival responses to her mom.

Hi DF,

Yeah it is so weird and twisted. After the fact in reading about Emotional Incest answered so much for me. Still many questions though. I just feel her mom is so evil and selfish. I felt her moms jealousy against me being with my ex many times. I didn't know what it meant at the time though. When her mom said to my ex "I am angry at you" my ex was like the world was about to end, tremendous panic. Her mom would just let her flounder though after saying it. Our relationship was doomed but I don't appreciate her mom constantly driving nails into our marriage coffin at all.

Peace,

AO
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« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2014, 09:08:54 PM »

My ex's Mom died when she was young (that's what she told me, I found out recently that she died 10 years after my ex told me she did and she died in a mental hospital). 

My ex's Dad she was not close with at all, and claimed that he abused her.

That's just the thing... . are these family histories even real?  Lies? Perceptions? Ways to manipulate us? cover ups? or just a really sad reality?
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« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2014, 09:40:28 PM »

My ex didn't discuss his family that much, but when he did it was in snippets, and he wouldn't go into it any further.

In the beginning he said he had a wonderful childhood, and that his parents were perfect.   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Then, as he became more comfortable with me, it was as though he had flashbacks of traumatic events. I gathered that there was abuse (emotional and physical). 

What I observed while in the r/s was his mother never told him that she loved him.  The form letter Christmas cards that she sent to friends and family every year didn't include his accomplishments in life, in fact she barely mentioned him. When he visited his parents (out of state) his focus had to be on his mother, he was not allowed to make phone calls to women.  That included his wife when he was married. 

His life seemed to revolve around wanting to please her, but it was never enough. 

Quite sad. 





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« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2014, 09:20:47 AM »

My exBPDgf's family, her and her mother never ever got on - "I wish I never had you" was one of the quotes and the father cheated and was a heavy drinker because he abused his privileged position, then mother found various men, of which the brothers used to allegedly abuse her from childhood into her early 20s in some quite sickening ways.

When she started describing her mothers behavior, about being sweetness and light in public but she was a complete and utter piece of work behind closed doors, that was the biggest baddest red flag of them all (I thought I'm dating a carbon copy of her mother) but then again I don't know how much of this was truth.

She apparently escaped her mother and eventually screamed and shouted at her final abuser and moved in with her first boyfriend who she was hiding from them but he not surprisingly he shut down after a while and lost himself on his video games and cars.

So a very volatile story (which I got completely sold on) so awful to hear but then again how much was really true.
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Tincup
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« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2014, 01:12:42 PM »

Panda-In my ex's case, I really don't know if she knew that her Mother died in a mental hospital.  It could be that her family was protecting her against the fact that her Mom had a debilitating disease.  I found out when I did an internet search and found the obituary. 

Although I could be naive to think she didn't know. 
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Tim300
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« Reply #23 on: February 04, 2015, 11:30:11 AM »

Was there something very strange with your ex's relationship with their mom or dad?

My ex's relationship to her mom I really thought was quite wierd and sick.

My wife (uBPDstbxw), has a need of the constant love and approval of her mother. That need is the most important thing of her life by far.

It was astounding to watch. Painful at times to see. Her mom, when occasionally not pleased over even some petty stuff my wife did would say this simple phrase to my wife "I am angry at you". And that phrase triggered my wife into complete panic always. I felt sorry for her many times seeing this. I felt when her mom told her that phrase it = abuse.



I started to have a problem with my wife though when she basically threw me under the bus so many times with her mom. She let her mom tell me off and didn't say anything and just stood by very timid. I knew she was scared to talk back to her mom. I expected her to empathize later or say she's sorry though when we got home at least to me. She never did which I didn't appreciate.

The most important need I would say she has is the approval of the mom. They are both best friends and shopping buddies. It is very bizarre and creepy. They are party buddies, gossip buddies and soul mates. In a way I feel my wife cheated on me with her mom.

Peace,

AO

My ex-fiancee and her mother had this same exact type of relationship.  They didn't party together but everything else is the same.  It is a bizarre and disturbing relationship.  Her mother seems to want to see her daughter get married, but I think ultimately her mother will sabotage any guy who seems to interfere too much with her turf.  The mother wants to forever have her daughter as her companion and person to control.  The mother is a pwBPD and her looks have tanked, so nobody else will deal with her except for her daughter.

Meanwhile, my ex had very little contact with her dad (met with him once in the 2.5 years of our relationship).  She claimed that her dad abandoned her and was abusive towards her.  When probed about how exactly he had abandoned her and abused her, little detail was offered and it didn't seem to add up.  I was not allowed to meet the dad or speak with him.  Her parents divorced when she was like 3.  Her dad did decline to attend our engagement party -- he's probably scared of the mother still.
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Fluff
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« Reply #24 on: February 04, 2015, 12:11:30 PM »

My ex's parents divorced when she was ten. Like mine.

She described her mother as a relationship addict (traits she had started to see in herself). She was angry at her mother for spending too much time with different men after her parents divorce. She was also feeling a lot of pressure from her mom and was often upset after talking to her. One time she destroyed her phone by throwing it against the cars dash board after ending a call with her. In a direct way her mother was a demanding parent.

At the other hand she idealized her father, who was amazingly kind. Always buying gifts for people and giving compliments. Her father had cheated on her mother which led to the divorce, she said. She and her father would baby talk with each other on the phone daily. My ex wanted her first born son to have the same first name as her father. Emotional incest. In an indirect way he was a demanding parent, my ex had to be as good as her father. In secret her father was very depressed and an alcoholic.
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #25 on: February 04, 2015, 12:11:36 PM »

My exgf is the only female in an Hispanic family. She has an advanced degree and has the best job of anyone in her family. Her mother will criticize her housekeeping, buys her clothes that she wants my ex to wear rather than the ones she likes wearing, tells her how to fix her hair, how to raise her kids, etc. My ex is 46. If her mother criticizes her it kills her. Her father is a rager who guilts her if she goes to town (she lives 2.5 hours from them) and doesn't visit ( her parents are divorced). She works out and they always tell her things like you don't want to have too much muscle, men won't like you, etc. We were in a lesbian relationship for. 9.5 yrs w/o them knowing it. She is now dating men as her mother confronted her about our relationship and she couldn't handle telling her mother the truth. So she has gone back into the closet to appease them. She married her first husband, in her words, because she felt it was what she had to do. twenty years after that she has learned nothing from the experience.

In a word, her family controls her. Even down to what she wears. How sad to be loved as an extension of them and not for herself... .
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goateeki
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« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2015, 12:15:02 PM »

Boy, what a GREAT topic! What a great question!

My dBPD ex wife has with her mother the most oppressive relationship I've seen between two human beings, and her father is a mouse of a man.  The long and short of it is that my former MIL is a bona fide crazy person, and this has affected entirely the adult my ex wife became.  My former sister-in-law, nice though she is, is in her 40's, never married, and as far as I can tell, completely alone.

My ex wife more or less lives to please her mother.  She never detached from her parents when she married me, which would have permitted her to properly attach to me, her husband (now former husband) and father of her two children.  When my ex wife was about 11 years old, her mother announced to her father and two other adults present in the room that she had been having an affair, that the sex was great, and that she was leaving immediately.  She was gone within 15 minutes.  The manner in which she did this was termed "pathological" by my T, and I see no reason to disagree with him.  My former MIL then lived in the basement of the parents' of her 20 year old boyfriend.  At that time, my former MIL was approximately 33 years old.  Her boyfriend was closer in age to my ex wife (who was then about 11) than to herself.  She lived this way for about 14 months, returning to my ex wife's home only to break in, steal some items, and steal a car.  Law enforcement was involved and for all I know, she was arrested.  My T has emphasized the quality of the upbringing that my ex wife probably had in the years before the abandonment by her mother; a mature and healthy mother doesn't walk out on her 11 (approx.) and 9 (approx.) year old daughters for, well, for penis.  

I am told that during the period her mother was slumming, my ex wife's father (my former FIL) spent all of his free time crying and begging his wife to return.  

She did return about 14 months later, and there was no sanction.  Instead, I am informed by my ex wife, everything at home had to be perfect, lest mom walk out again.  This was the "worst period of her life, worse even when she (her mother) was away." My ex wife has had several "worst periods" of her life.  She and her younger sister did everything they could to make sure mom was happy.

To this day, my ex wife will tell you that her mother is utterly blameless in these events.  She will tell you that there "are reasons" it occurred, and cite the lack of energy in my former FIL's execution of housework.  She will tell you that her mother is sorry for what happened and has made up for it, and then will tell you (or at least me) that these event's are none of your business.  

There were reasons those events occurred, chief among them sex with a 20 year old man (boy).  

Shortly after her mother's return, my ex wife became pregnant and had an abortion.  

Then, shortly after she and I began dating, she was attacked by a stranger and raped (rope, tape, knife).

To give you some sense of what my former MIL's day-to-day behavior is like, a few years ago all of us -- my ex wife, her parents, her sister, myself and the two children of my (then) wife and I -- were out to dinner.  My (then) wife looked beautiful, with a new dress and shoes.  There was nothing at all provocative in the way she was dressed, nothing cheap.  She just looked very, very pretty.  Her mother said to her "You look like a slut."  Think about that... .the woman who left her family, with two young children (daughters, no less) for the articulated reason of "sex" says to her beautifully dressed daughter, who also happens to be a rape victim, that she looks like a "slut."

I could write for hours about the mean, shaming, shunning, behavior that describes how my ex wife's mother gets through life.  I could write about how my former FIL is a non-entity, a mouse of a man who chauffeurs my former MIL around to every appointment, every visit, every trip to the store, even to events that he does not participate in, which requires him to circle the block for two hours.  I could write about how my former sister-in-law looks like she will grow old alone.  But I think that that bit of family history, and that particular "you look like a slut" transaction, pretty much sums up my dBPD ex wife's relationship with her mother.  

Her mother walks on water.  The guy who stood by her with loyalty and consistency is a "horrible father" and "bad person."  

It's nice to be able to see things clearly now, as I do.  Toxic families make toxic kids.    
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #27 on: February 04, 2015, 12:24:56 PM »

Yeah, let's see.

My ex gf's mother is the most important person in the world for her. They would talk pretty much each day. Of course, that's not really strang per se. But they were really... .man, whats the right word. Intense? The thing is, her mom had to be available to my ex whenever she would want it, or else she would get incredibly mad / sad. I would try to comfort her then, telling her that her mom couldn't be there for her at all times for every little thing.

Her father moved to the other side of the world when she was in pre-puberty, started a new family with younger girl (my age) and a child there. She would see him a few times a year. She would often complain to me how her father wouldn't be in contact enough with her. She even talked about ending the relationship full stop with him, but she never really went through with it. When he came to our country, she would go to dinner with him and maybe do something else on another day, and thats it. And she would get expensive gifts. She would get pretty mad if there wasn't an expensive gift.

That's about it. Not super weird per se, but very different from the stable relationship I have with my parents.
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #28 on: February 04, 2015, 12:36:26 PM »

My exBPDbf's father was horrifically physically and emotionally abusive to my ex's mother and my ex. Eventually (when my ex was in high school), his mother left his father.

My ex has always been a caretaker to his mom (comforting her after abuse, taking her to the ER during suicide attempts, etc.). He still caretakes for her occasionally, but mostly they have a pretty adult relationship now. He has a weird mixture of admiration and disdain for her, that has very obviously shaped the way he views women as a whole.

He stays in contact with his father, also, and even caretakes for him. (His dad is now old, weak, and in the first stages of senility.) I couldn't even begin to deconstruct the maze of complex emotions that surround his relationship with his father.
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« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2015, 01:35:11 PM »

Mine is now much closer to her mom and dad, but the relationship is not emotionally close from what I saw.

Her parents were very neglectful and abusive when she was a kid.  The parents kind of got their stuff together as they aged.

From age 2 to 12, they left her in a situation where she was very vulnerable to any type of abuse.  In fact, if she was not abused during that period, it would be a miracle.  She does not remember huge swaths of that time.
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