Soulmates? Or is it an illusion.

[trappedinlove]

She was the closest person to me ever.

I felt like we've known each other forever from the very first moment we met.

It was like we could instinctively read each other's mind and emotions and just looking at each other eyes I could see deeply into her.  I could feel her pain her happiness and love to the fullest.

And touching each other felt like I'm touching an extension of myself, like nothing else feels.

So mystical... .

Yet, I am aware of the pwBPD's need and ability to reflect and mirror and to become, like a chameleon, transform into the other person's dream.  So was what I felt a feeling of "me" in her?  Was I deeply connected essentially with the reflection of myself.  Was it the ultimate illusion?

What is your experience?

TIL

[patientandclear]

I felt that way too, about the man who brought me to these boards.

I've come to understand that many women have felt that way about him.

We spent a lot of time together after our romantic r/s ended. We became a lot closer--but in a different way. We were no longer enmeshed. We could be different. We could have misunderstandings and fix them without ending the r/s.  He could tell me scary things and know it would be OK. As it unfolded, we ended up much closer in that second edition without the "soulmate" feeling than we were when we were so caught up in that.

I mean it when I say I've learned that he had many soulmates (not like we were later, which i think was more real; but at the beginning). He has that magic ability to make anyone he's talking to feel like they are the only person on the planet. Since at the beginning I only saw it directed at me, I though it was something special between us. Later I saw it directed at a choir director after a performance he admired, the girl behind the tea shop counter, my friend whom he asked to be introduced to. And I've come to know about legions of women he made feel that way before abruptly and brutally abandoning them.

For a long time I held onto the idea that I was special and at some level I still want to believe that. bpdfamily.com doesn't really allow that belief. If everyone is special, no one is special, you know? His ability to create that feeling is an amazing skill that he deploys as a survival strategy. I'm grateful I know enough about what he did with other women before and after me to understand that I was just one of many soulmates. Otherwise this would be even more heartbreaking than it is (to lose a real soulmate).

[corraline]

My ex used to tell me often that he was like a jesuit priest.  He said that women just opened up to him.  He would look at real estate with a female realtor and come back and seem to know everything about her personal life, about her children, her husband and their relationship and other personal details.  I was uncomfortable with how he seemed to bond with other women.  He tried to create this kind of connection with his male friends to tho.  His counseling skills he used well to build connection with others.

I saw it as inappropriate boundaries myself.  He saw it as something exceptional in himself.

[Narellan]

Mine said everyone fell in love with him. It's painful now to realise the same special words said to me were probably said to everyone. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone who tells you he's waited his whole life for you? And a myriad of other such endearments. Once he said " god we just love each other so much don't we?" It's still difficult to remember these frequent love offerings, and then the Big Crunch " we're just friends". Who does that? BPD people obviously. It's hard not to feel conned. He really felt like my soul mate, but I wasn't his.

[LettingGo14]

She was the closest person to me ever.

I felt like we've known each other forever from the very first moment we met.

It was like we could instinctively read each other's mind and emotions and just looking at each other eyes I could see deeply into her.  I could feel her pain her happiness and love to the fullest.

And touching each other felt like I'm touching an extension of myself, like nothing else feels.

So mystical... .

Yet, I am aware of the pwBPD's need and ability to reflect and mirror and to become, like a chameleon, transform into the other person's dream.  So was what I felt a feeling of "me" in her?  Was I deeply connected essentially with the reflection of myself.  Was it the ultimate illusion?

What is your experience?

TIL

I could have written the exact words you wrote, TIL.  And, it has become important for me to analyze this.  Because I have been stuck in the "lost soul mate" thinking.   Here are the options I've explored so far:

(1) Magical Thinking: My relationship happened after my divorce.  From the moment we met, I felt connected to my ex-girlfriend, as if it was destined.   Of course, coming out of a difficult marriage, I longed for "connection" and I was primed for magical thinking.   I'm sure I projected as much on her as she mirrored for me.   And I was so receptive to the "mystical" connection.

(2) Primal Attachment/Abandonment: I don't claim to fully understand the Freudian or psychological views of primal attachment -- the view that the security or perfection of the mother/child bond is necessarily broken as a child ages.  But, I've spent time thinking of the ego fusion with my ex-girlfriend, and how -- when it was good -- there was a feeling of satisfaction I never knew as an adult.   (Note:  Some commentators here have noted that many of  us necessarily re-experience the abandonment fears of childhood after these relationships, and something intuitive seems right about that to me, although I can't articulate it well).

(3) Co-dependency:  I resist labels sometimes because we can get stuck in labels.  But I certainly became enmeshed & fused in the drama of my relationship.  At times, I wanted to save her from despair, and at other times I wanted her to soothe my anxiety that everything was going to blow up.   I definitely absorbed tremendous anxiety of my ex-girlfriend, and created my own as well.  

The "soul mate" label I gave this relationship is one of the reasons it is so hard to detach from.  In retrospect, I don't think "soul mate" is something I'm going to seek again.  I just want to know myself, and find a partner with whom I can be interdependent, rather than enmeshed.   When I became a "trigger" for my ex-girlfriend, it always startled me to hear the things she said, which totally contradicted my former "soul mate" concept, which may be best suited to Hollywood, and fiction.  

[Lion Fire]

Letting go, you've nailed it completely for me in your post.

We were two injured people looking for each other to fill ourselves up from the outside.

There were times that I never felt  so close to another human being. The thing is, there was no solid basis. This state of what I thought was grace was unsustainable. Reality is sobering and when that came knocking things progressively fell apart.

I triggered her greatest fears and she triggered mine.

[Changingman]

Two broken people.

Preditor and prey.

the abuser and abused.

The dictator and his people.

The con man and his mark.

Poisonous attachments 'soulmates' all.

Feel pity for them, accept your place.


All these use love, hate, pity, fear, rage, confusion, obligation and lies. A toxic connection built on primitive needs and nature.

When caught they are astonished you have changed ( woken up ). "My people love me"

Mystical or madness, take your pick.

It's not their FAULT!

What you did/didn't do to/for them.

I found a lot, alot, of broken in me. Already trained to accept abuse by FOO. Who would have thought your abuser would come in the form of a fragile, crying, beautiful female.

The whole thing was an illusion, a fantasy. They build mirages of a person that can hold/contain love, but have only you to 'sample'. It slowly evaporates from them, as it doesn't keep their fears and feelings soothed anymore they start to hate themselves and you. You failed them, in reality they fail themselves. You will pay for this. You are an object in their world not doing your job, you are accountable.

Mine couldn't pick her nose without ruining or breaking something.

What a mess.

[BorisAcusio]

Two broken people.

Preditor and prey.

the abuser and abused.

The dictator and his people.

The con man and his mark.

Poisonous attachments 'soulmates' all.

Feel pity for them, accept your place.


All these use love, hate, pity, fear, rage, confusion, obligation and lies. A toxic connection built on primitive needs and nature.

When caught they are astonished you have changed ( woken up ). "My people love me"

Mystical or madness, take your pick.

It's not their FAULT!

What you did/didn't do to/for them.

I found a lot, alot, of broken in me. Already trained to accept abuse by FOO. Who would have thought your abuser would come in the form of a fragile, crying, beautiful female.

The whole thing was an illusion, a fantasy. They build mirages of a person that can hold/contain love, but have only you to 'sample'. It slowly evaporates from them, as it doesn't keep their fears and feelings soothed anymore they start to hate themselves and you. You failed them, in reality they fail themselves. You will pay for this. You are an object in their world not doing your job, you are accountable.

Mine couldn't pick her nose without ruining or breaking something.

What a mess.

Very well put. As I've seen from recent posts, those who are not familiar with the concept of primitive idealization tend to cling to this fantasy state just as actively as the borderlines. Primitive idealization is about buying protection. It is a direct manifestation an infantile protective fantasy in which there is neither any consciouis or uncoscious agression towards the object nor any geniune concern for it. A primitively idealized dobject serves as a recipient of omnipotent identification and thus provides direct gratification of narcisstic needs. They identifiy with this all-good object to protect against the bad-self imagine and persecutory objects.

[Ihope2]

I've come to understand that many women have felt that way about him.


He has that magic ability to make anyone he's talking to feel like they are the only person on the planet. Since at the beginning I only saw it directed at me, I though it was something special between us.

For a long time I held onto the idea that I was special and at some level I still want to believe that. bpdfamily.com doesn't really allow that belief. If everyone is special, no one is special, you know? His ability to create that feeling is an amazing skill that he deploys as a survival strategy. I'm grateful I know enough about what he did with other women before and after me to understand that I was just one of many soulmates. Otherwise this would be even more heartbreaking than it is (to lose a real soulmate).

Patientandclear, I have picked out some of your post that resonates a lot with me.  I think my ex BPD also has this ability to make women feel special. When I piece together things that he told me about his past, there seem to have been a few women who fell for him, if I read between the lines of what he was telling me.  He always made it seem like he was very gentlemanly and protective, or almost brotherly towards them, trying to give them guidance.  But it sounds like these women had fallen for him, hook line and sinker (as I did).  Now that I think about it, I can think of at least 5 women he mentioned to me, who I think fell for him in a big way.  And they also sounded like they had some sort of emotional damage to them.

Funny, I haven't really dwelled on this aspect of my relationship with him before.  I am glad this topic has brought me to think of it.  I realise that I had been living in an illusion to think that this damaged man was in any way a soulmate of mine.

[BacknthSaddle]

The "soul mate" label I gave this relationship is one of the reasons it is so hard to detach from.  In retrospect, I don't think "soul mate" is something I'm going to seek again.  I just want to know myself, and find a partner with whom I can be interdependent, rather than enmeshed.   When I became a "trigger" for my ex-girlfriend, it always startled me to hear the things she said, which totally contradicted my former "soul mate" concept, which may be best suited to Hollywood, and fiction.  

This is right on the money, and it's something many of us have had to learn about ourselves.  The concept of "soulmate" is specious and completely rooted in magical thinking.  We sought this out, and, not surprisingly, we ended up with people who were not well-developed emotionally.  Living side-by-side as partners, rather than enmeshed as soulmates, is the healthiest way to live.  We have to learn to live that way, and to do that, we have to figure out why we clung to the other way for so long. 

[Ihope2]

I would rather have an emotionally healthy, balanced partnership than an ethereal notion of a relationship with a soulmate.  I realise that now.  Now I just need to work on me.  I still have this lingering idea that I am somehow "damaged goods" myself, and not worthy or capable of "normal".     I have to work on that, and I will.  I consider myself to be in "recovery" now and it is an ongoing process that I will not rush. 

This topic has really given me a lot of pause for thought - thank you!

[Sofie]

In the aftermath of breaking up with my ex-BPD girlfriend - who I at the time really thought of as my soulmate - and when this board really helped me to pull through, I read someone here writing that yes, indeed they ARE our soulmates - but in a dark and dysfunctional way. That the fact that we fell in love with them in the first place indicates that we ourselves are emotionally immature and core-traumatized just as they are. Water seeks its own level.

For some reason this way of thinking about the "soulmate issue" helped me a lot - yes, we WERE indeed soulmates, I believe this to this day, just not in any good way, but in a broken and unhealthy way.

[woodsposse]

She was the closest person to me ever.

I felt like we've known each other forever from the very first moment we met.

It was like we could instinctively read each other's mind and emotions and just looking at each other eyes I could see deeply into her.  I could feel her pain her happiness and love to the fullest.

And touching each other felt like I'm touching an extension of myself, like nothing else feels.

So mystical... .

Yet, I am aware of the pwBPD's need and ability to reflect and mirror and to become, like a chameleon, transform into the other person's dream.  So was what I felt a feeling of "me" in her?  Was I deeply connected essentially with the reflection of myself.  Was it the ultimate illusion?

What is your experience?

TIL

 

I wanted to leave my reply before I read all the other replies (which I'm sure are awesome).

I'm not an expert on pwPD (although I've been around them most of my adult life) - and although there is a lot to be said about mirroring - I think a lot of what you felt was real coming from your SO.  Real in the sense it was real to them at the time.

I've been learing that psBPD mix emotions with reality.  As in... . if they feel something - then that something is real.  So if they feel love, they are in love. If they feel you did something wrong to them (regardless of what it was) - then you did do something wrong.

No matter how you can explain it, or rationalize it or even know your motivation behind doing... . whatever... . if they feel like it is wrong, then it is wrong.

My wife (well, back when she was my GF) felt like she was loosing me to my job.  I was floored.  I'm all like "uhm... . I'm going to work.  I have to work.  You aren't loosing me to anyone or anything."  But... . to her, that is what it was.

I know now it was part of her illness... . but it drove me crazy.  Eventually, nothing I did was good enough and everything I did was wrong, no matter how much I did a great job, or brought in decent money or took care of her when she was sick.

In the end, it drained me of just about everything.

So... . yeah, I felt the same way about her over all the years we were together.  And I think at times, I was seeing myself in her mirroring - just as I could see her when she really started projecting.

It was a mess.

It really wasn't until I came here - and fully detached - could I see it for what it really was.  I was involved with a very sick lost little girl... . and it triggered my own set of issues from my childhood - and it was very toxic.

As much as it feels better to be away from her - or even reset my boundaries to not allow anyone do to that to me again... . it still hurts.  That part is just natural, I guess.

[Learning_curve74]

"Soulmates" is the illusion that I make you whole and you make me whole. That's a romantic idea that isn't reality. That's also why the non and the pwBPD suffer in the aftermath of a failed relationship -- they both feel like they are missing a part of themselves, but that was an illusion to begin with... .

I think people also mistake being enmeshed and intensity for intimacy. Every good relationship needs intimacy, but being enmeshed is a totally different animal.

[christoff522]

She was the closest person to me ever.

I felt like we've known each other forever from the very first moment we met.

It was like we could instinctively read each other's mind and emotions and just looking at each other eyes I could see deeply into her.  I could feel her pain her happiness and love to the fullest.

And touching each other felt like I'm touching an extension of myself, like nothing else feels.

So mystical... .

Yet, I am aware of the pwBPD's need and ability to reflect and mirror and to become, like a chameleon, transform into the other person's dream.  So was what I felt a feeling of "me" in her?  Was I deeply connected essentially with the reflection of myself.  Was it the ultimate illusion?

What is your experience?

TIL

It is a very troubling thing. What was essentially two months of little more than skyping and texting and occasionally meeting felt like a relationship that had gone on much longer. The way that they communicate is so intense and so far accross boundaries, you literally have to walk away or yield to their control.

She told me I was her soulmate, she told me I was the love of her life. Its insanity...

My friend, we've all been there... and its terrifically hard to deal with, what did you feel?

My estimate is that you felt hope, you no longer felt alone, and because of the disorder that they possess, the intensity, the power of BPD, you allowed yourself to feel every emotion you had desperately wanted to feel for someone, anyone, who would love you. You loved her because you needed her, you knew instinctively that something wasn't right, you felt that need to save someone, to be at one with someone, and she came along.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in BPD we forget our own needs, we have issues, issues that explain why BPD's seem to be everywhere. They're everywhere because we have something called co-dependency issues, and thats exactly what pwBPDs latch onto (either that or narcissism, but I doubt a narc would be here).

She definitely isn't your soulmate - and frankly that term (which we've all heard from our pwBPD) crosses too many boundaries. Right now mate, I'd say you have a dose of stockholm syndrome.

It'll be okay, its normal in recovery 

[seeking balance]

I have posted this before and it is the reframing of the meaning soul mate by Elizabeth Gilbert that helped me put this subject into perspective.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... . ”


― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

[Narellan]

Yes based on that he truly was my soulmate.

[earthgirl]

My ex used to tell me often that he was like a jesuit priest.  He said that women just opened up to him.  He would look at real estate with a female realtor and come back and seem to know everything about her personal life, about her children, her husband and their relationship and other personal details.  I was uncomfortable with how he seemed to bond with other women.  He tried to create this kind of connection with his male friends to tho.  His counseling skills he used well to build connection with others.

I saw it as inappropriate boundaries myself.  He saw it as something exceptional in himself.

WORD.  You are describing my UBDH.  He gives off a very "safe" vibe; anyone (particularly women) would feel comfortable telling him anything.  When he's in the throes of disregulation, I often think how shocked people would be to hear him in that state... . it's a side he keeps well-hidden from almost everyone.

[BorisAcusio]

She was the closest person to me ever.

I felt like we've known each other forever from the very first moment we met.

It was like we could instinctively read each other's mind and emotions and just looking at each other eyes I could see deeply into her.  I could feel her pain her happiness and love to the fullest.

And touching each other felt like I'm touching an extension of myself, like nothing else feels.

So mystical... .

Yet, I am aware of the pwBPD's need and ability to reflect and mirror and to become, like a chameleon, transform into the other person's dream.  So was what I felt a feeling of "me" in her?  Was I deeply connected essentially with the reflection of myself.  Was it the ultimate illusion?

What is your experience?

TIL

It is a very troubling thing. What was essentially two months of little more than skyping and texting and occasionally meeting felt like a relationship that had gone on much longer. The way that they communicate is so intense and so far accross boundaries, you literally have to walk away or yield to their control.

She told me I was her soulmate, she told me I was the love of her life. Its insanity...

My friend, we've all been there... and its terrifically hard to deal with, what did you feel?

My estimate is that you felt hope, you no longer felt alone, and because of the disorder that they possess, the intensity, the power of BPD, you allowed yourself to feel every emotion you had desperately wanted to feel for someone, anyone, who would love you. You loved her because you needed her, you knew instinctively that something wasn't right, you felt that need to save someone, to be at one with someone, and she came along.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in BPD we forget our own needs, we have issues, issues that explain why BPD's seem to be everywhere. They're everywhere because we have something called co-dependency issues, and thats exactly what pwBPDs latch onto (either that or narcissism, but I doubt a narc would be here).

She definitely isn't your soulmate - and frankly that term (which we've all heard from our pwBPD) crosses too many boundaries. Right now mate, I'd say you have a dose of stockholm syndrome.

It'll be okay, its normal in recovery  

Nice post. These kind of discussions highlights that our own issues, in some ways, runs just as deep as the pwBPD's. Even if we set aside that the term itself involves magical thingking, you would rationally never consider someone your "soulmate" who lack the capacity to care, feel geniune guilt, empathy. These are the foundations of every meaningful human relationship.  

[trappedinlove]

Letting go, you've nailed it completely for me in your post.

We were two injured people looking for each other to fill ourselves up from the outside.

Very true in my case too.  When we met I was dealing with a very serious crisis with my dBPDTd15 and newly separated.

She was a mess dealing with a dysfunctional r/s and repressed sexual abuse, isolated from friends and with a very low self esteem.

And we were really there for each other and truly helped each other out.

I can't fully agree that we were "looking for each other to fill ourselves up from the outside".

We definitely were looking for mutual support and found it, but only later, when things started heading down south

and I stopped getting my idealization "fix" consistently, I, at least, was looking for her to fill a void in myself that I needed to address.

I was craving for love, close friendship, intimacy, acknowledgement, etc.

Things that I got so much better in self-fulfillment, yet the craving and addiction to her is still not 100% resolved.

There were times that I never felt  so close to another human being. The thing is, there was no solid basis. This state of what I thought was grace was unsustainable. Reality is sobering and when that came knocking things progressively fell apart.

Interestingly, when the r/s is built at crisis time, it is a challenge to transition into a more normal r/s when the crisis is over - hence there is no solid basis.

This has nothing to do with BPD

I triggered her greatest fears and she triggered mine.

Oh, this is so true.

The way I see it, the main reasons she practically erased me out of her world are anxiety, shame, and an attempt to reduce the level of drama in her life - as I am representing a lot of drama to her with my depression and anxiety triggered by her emotional dis-regulation.

[laelle]

I have posted this before and it is the reframing of the meaning soul mate by Elizabeth Gilbert that helped me put this subject into perspective.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... . ”


― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I can really relate to this.  Because of my experience with my ex, I discovered a lot of bad coping skills of my own.  Because of him, I have them now.  Because of him, I am now in a healthy relationship.  It does not excuse the bad way that I was treated, but now that I can step back and look at the relationship from a less painful perspective, I can see that through his awful treatment, I learned how I want and need to be treated, and that I will protect those wants and needs.  There is so much that I have learned, and I am still learning.  He was the man of my dreams, but it was only a dream.  I prefer real love and not dreamy unicorn love.  

[trappedinlove]

Two broken people.

I can relate to that.

Preditor and prey.

I don't feel that way.

the abuser and abused.

The dictator and his people.

I am really sorry for you if you've been abused by your ex.

In my case, I definitely feel used in the sense that the r/s I had was based to an extent on selfish needs of my uBPDx and I was discarded when those needs could be fulfilled by others, but in my case abuse would be a harsh exaggeration.

The con man and his mark.

Maybe I'm coming from an overly compassionate attitude.

I perceive the fact the BPDs are so elusive and manipulative as a very sad and unfortunate part of their personality,

especially when it's based over a background of (C)PTSD, personal abuse, and in particular sexual abuse as in the case of my BPDxso.

I don't feel I need to demonize her to detach... .

Poisonous attachments 'soulmates' all.

Feel pity for them, accept your place.


All these use love, hate, pity, fear, rage, confusion, obligation and lies. A toxic connection built on primitive needs and nature.

When caught they are astonished you have changed ( woken up ). "My people love me"

Mystical or madness, take your pick.

I'm inclined towards "madness"

It's not their FAULT!

What you did/didn't do to/for them.

I found a lot, alot, of broken in me. Already trained to accept abuse by FOO. Who would have thought your abuser would come in the form of a fragile, crying, beautiful female.

This hurts so much.

The whole thing was an illusion, a fantasy. They build mirages of a person that can hold/contain love, but have only you to 'sample'. It slowly evaporates from them, as it doesn't keep their fears and feelings soothed anymore they start to hate themselves and you. You failed them, in reality they fail themselves. You will pay for this. You are an object in their world not doing your job, you are accountable.

That's very typical for BPDs.  I can strongly relate to this description of my "function" in her world.

Mine couldn't pick her nose without ruining or breaking something.

What a mess.

Mine is highly functional and a successful and impressive woman.

She id a mess with personal relationships though.  It saddens me.

At least I learned and keep learning from this so much it will pay off big time in my next significant relationship as I'm a much better partner now.

TIL

[maternal]

I have posted this before and it is the reframing of the meaning soul mate by Elizabeth Gilbert that helped me put this subject into perspective.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... . ”


― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I have thought of this quote a lot lately.   I absolutely feel that this is true of my ex.  I don't assume that he is only a soul mate to me, though from what I know of his previous ex's, none of them have gone through the work to "transform [their] life." etc. that I am doing.  I know now, less than two months out, that this relationship was supposed to happen to me.  It HAD to happen so that I could see how much I've been in my own way and to push me to get on with these dreams and goals that I have.  I needed to be broken open like this so that I can learn about myself and how I have held myself back, both professionally and in love relationships.  It feels as though he was sent to me specifically to teach me these things about myself.  And I can only be grateful to him for that.

[LettingGo14]

I have thought of this quote a lot lately.   I absolutely feel that this is true of my ex.  I don't assume that he is only a soul mate to me, though from what I know of his previous ex's, none of them have gone through the work to "transform [their] life." etc. that I am doing.  I know now, less than two months out, that this relationship was supposed to happen to me.  It HAD to happen so that I could see how much I've been in my own way and to push me to get on with these dreams and goals that I have.  I needed to be broken open like this so that I can learn about myself and how I have held myself back, both professionally and in love relationships.  It feels as though he was sent to me specifically to teach me these things about myself.  And I can only be grateful to him for that.

Thank you for this maternal -- really resonates with me as well.

[maternal]

Thank you for this maternal -- really resonates with me as well.

Any time!

And the pain, as horrible as it has felt, was a bonus.  Reminds me of another quote, this one from Khalil Gibran:

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.”

It seems weird, or maybe even "wrong" to some, but I embrace the hell out of this pain.  It, and my ex, has taught me so much.

[honomonopomo]

I believe that my ex was a soul mate. I could feel him even though we didn't see each other for 2 years. I could feel what he feels. There was one night, where I was overwhelmed with with feelings of anger and punched myself in the head. That's not not something I would normally do, and I did it because he was doing it at the same time. It sounds crazy but soul mates are a real thing. Read about it. Just because someone has an illness doesn't mean they aren't capable of love and spiritual ties.
I think that some people with bpd deserve more credit, based on the severity of the illness. He was fairly mild, but now I fear destroyed like me because our relationship didn't work out.

[DazzleD]

I’ve learned it was all an illusion and I was just an actor playing a part in her BPD stage play along with all the others. As hard as it is it makes it easier for my emotions to catch up with the logic. She was, Is and always will be an illusion and will continue to be for the rest of her days.

[drumdog4M]

DazzleD,

I think that's a very healthy and more realistic perspective to have in this context. The mirroring pwBPD engage in creates the perfect illusion of a soulmate, even assuming soulmates exist. IF they really were one's soulmate, would things have ended up the way they did?

Clearly we all formed deep bonds with our ex's, but romanticizing that connection into soulmate status seems like it would just slow healing and make the susceptibility to a recycle higher.

I love my ex and believe I always will, but I am trying to dispel the illusion that she was my "soulmate" or "person." I wish she had been, but my soulmate would have been capable of a stable, loving, reciprocal, interdependent relationship with the real me. There are so many other potential partners in this wide world who might come closer to being able to share those things with us all once we have healed ourselves and are ready for healthy relationships.

[NotAHero]

 BPD relationships are the opposite of soul mates.

 This type of magical thinking is very dangerous.  A soul mate will not discard you. With BPD that is the most likely outcome. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment and pain.

[brighter future]

BPD relationships are the opposite of soul mates.

 This type of magical thinking is very dangerous.  A soul mate will not discard you. With BPD that is the most likely outcome. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment and pain.

That is so true. Right before my ex abruptly discarded me, I was told that I was the "man of her dreams", "her soulmate", and that "she would do anything to be married to me." I believed what she said at the time, and I was discarded a handful of days later. I sat there for months in disbelief, and it took me a while to come to the realization that this was all just a fantasy and wasn't real. I finally realized that someone who truly loved me in a healthy way wouldn't say those things, then discard me like a bag of trash a few days later. Once I got all of that figured out, my emotional healing finally started progressing. It's been just over two years now, and I wouldn't go back to that situation for anything in the world.