When a non BPD needs emotional support

[Octobersonya]

Need advice

I understand and have accepted the fact that I will always be my uBPDh's emotional care taker, it sucks but I have accepted it. My question is what do I do when I need emotional support. If I need to just cry because I'm sad about transitioning our son to his room instead of ours, why can't I put my head on my husbands shoulder and cry without him going from "he is right there, if he was unhappy he would let us know" to "fine, I'll bring him back in the room" to " I don't understand what the problem is" and then he said he will sleep in the family room and keep him out there over night. All I wanted was a little sensitivity towards how I was feeling. I didn't expect hugs and kisses and support, i didn't want him to get all annoyed and angry because I was sad, everyday a your child is growing up and becoming more independent. It's not easy for me but I know it has to be done for our sons future, I know I have to be tough.

Do I also need to understand and accept that he will never be there for me emotionally? Will it always be all about him and what he wants to do? I did ask him "I will be going through emotions as our son grow up and goes farther and farther away and be away from us, if you are going to get upset every time I get emotional then let me know and I'll talk to another mom who will understand."

It's exhausting how I have to tip toe around his sensitive feelings all day everyday and when I need some understanding, instead I get attitude. All this happened within a span of 10 minutes.

And as usual it was turned around on me.

How do you (non BPDs) deal with the lack of emotional support, especially when you have to be the emotional care taker for your loved one.

Thank you for listening

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[Ceruleanblue]

I'll look forward to any answers. I can so relate to the emotion behind your post. My husband and I don't have kids together, but I can't ever count on his to sympathize or relate to my feelings. Like, ever. Like you, I've accepted him for what and who he is(although I'd love for him to get DBT therapy), but it does sadden me that he is unable to return any commiseration, or sympathy. In fact, if I'm sad, it usually angers him. It's like my being hurt is an inconvenience for HIM.

In some ways it feels like he is an emotional vampire, I give, give, give, but get little back in return. I try to remind myself that this is just how he is wired, but yeah, it is hard sometimes.

Hugs to you, it's hard to always be strong.

[Octobersonya]

Hi Ceruleanblue,

Thanks for responding. Somehow, just knowing that someone understands, makes one feel a little better.

So this morning, I wasn't sure what to expect so as usual I stayed quiet until I find out what mood he will be in. He was surprisingly pleasant, it's rare but it happens sometimes. He made me coffee and then we sat out in the yard for a while.

I said "I'm sorry about last night, I didn't want to bring our son back in our room, I just wanted support. I know you are a solution guy if there is a problem you want to immediately solve it, but all I needed was a hug" he replied "I understand, not everything has to be rational. Thank you for saying that and I'm sorry I was impatient". 

Ive been reading a book by Valerie Porr "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family's Guide to Healing" I highly recommend it.

Although at times it is extremely frustrating to feel like I am constantly Walking on egg shells, there are many reasons why I love him and want to work on our relationship. It is such a. Relief to know that there is a reason why he is the way he is, he has BPD... . he is not an evil man and I cannot imagine the turmoil he goes through in his head. If someone offered me a free pass to see what goes on in his mind, I wouldn't take it! It's heartbreaking to know that no matter how much I show my love and trust, verbally and through actions, he will never fully believe that he can trust me.

Oh well, there is no perfect relationship in this world. Even the couples who'd not suffer from disorders aren't perfect.

I take it one day at a time and try not to pull my hair out on those day's when I get frustrated

Stay in touch and hope you have a good day!

Xo

[arjay]

Greetings.  In my case, my 'ex' was rarely, if ever emotionally supportive.  It was pretty much like being in a relationship with a child, from an emotional perspective.  We do end up being their "emotional caretaker".  Her needs almost always usurped mine.  In one example, I was a juror on a high-profile murder case.  I came home after being sequestered for two days and was exhausted and emotional.  Her response was "you are pathetic and I don't know why I stay with you".  I had to learn to not only look past the behavior, but to find my strength within myself, because likely it was not going to come from her.  I had to accept that she would never be that person.  Anything else was simply "blindsiding myself".

Staying means it is up to us to make the best of the situation, recognizing there are constraints on what we will likely ever receive from the relationship.  Using the tools listed however will at least ensure we are not making things worse.  It gives us a better perspective on how to deal with this behavior.  It is about making the best of the situation.  I have included a link.  You will find the information very helpful.

Peace

Before Making It Better You Must Stop Making It Worse

[tayana]

I decided to stay with my BPD partner, who has finally accepted that she has BPD and is doing DBT right now.   Even with that, I get no emotional support from her, but I am her emotional caretaker.  If she needs a hug or touch or anything, I'm there to give it to her.  However, if it is me needing it, she usually gets upset.  If I'm trying to explain something to her and she's not getting it and I try to drop the subject, she says I'm not validating her emotions. 

She just got out of the hospital for OD'ing on pills yet again.  She couldn't understand why I was angry after she'd accused me of taking the pills away from her.  She didn't feel I had a right to be mad at all, and wanted me to hold her and make her feel better all night.  I know it is wrong, but I was almost gleeful she was in the hospital because I could breathe for a little while.  I am tense when she's home because I have to be "on" all the time to catch the overdoses, cutting, etc.  It's a whole lot of stress.  I feel like I have three children instead of two.  I do love her, but sometimes its just too much.

I don't have a lot of friends outside my family because she just gets too jealous anytime I do something without her.  I have a few though and I do try to connect with them just to vent a little.  I can get away when I'm work somewhat.  Mostly, I just go to the grocery store or something to get away for a little while.

[Proud_Dad]

I have had to accept that I will not get the same emotional validation or support from my uBPDgf that I give to her.

Just a couple weeks ago I had a minor surgery performed. I was not scared but rather a bit anxious as it has been a long time since I have had any surgical procedures done. The night before, I expressed my feelings and anxiety about the upcoming procedure. Instead of a hug and some support I got a full blown rage that lasted until about 3 am because she felt like I was not being supportive of her (I was going to be on bed rest for a couple of days so I would not be able to help with the kids).

I think the most enraging event was when my grandfather passed away. The morning of the funeral she raged for about 3 hours. I was such an emotional wreck it wasn't even funny.

So long story short, for me there is no expectation of emotional reciprocation from my uBPDgf.

How to cope with this you ask. Just keep moving... .

[maxsterling]

One time I took my GF out of town for a drive to go on a tour of a little art commune place.  We sat in the café eating, and in walked my ex girlfriend and her son.  Completely random to run into her in a podunk out of the way place like that.  My ex was NPD/BPD, was abusive to me, abusive to her son, and left me feeling very hurt and confused about life.  It took me a year to feel okay after her. 

My ex  came over and said hi to me.  I was nearly boiling seeing her - someone I hoped to never see again.  Current BPDgf got enraged, wanted to leave immediately, and STILL talks about that incident.  After we left and got into the car, she was clearly upset, and I said, "yes, it was very uncomfortable for me, too."  My Gf then snapped back, "BUT YOU DON"T KNOW HOW I FEEL!"  Geez.  I was the one who dated that horrible woman and was abused by her - *I* was the one that needed someone to ask me if I was okay having run into her - but instead it was my role to comfort my current GF. 

Another time we were camping, and I awoke sweating after a horrible nightmare.  Instead of comfort, my GF pulled away in disgust, said I looked like a "meth head" and freaked her out.  And all I needed was a "you don't look well, are you okay?"  Again, she still brings that up like it was a joke. 

I've learned that (sadly) I don't think I will ever get the emotional support from her.  So, I get emotional support from friends and family.  Some may call that emotional cheating when I am more open with my friends than I am with her, but I feel I need to do what I can to keep myself on two feet.

[Boss302]

I understand and have accepted the fact that I will always be my uBPDh's emotional care taker, it sucks but I have accepted it.

I'd like you to read that quote back to yourself and ask yourself: what's wrong with this picture? Why are YOU your husband's emotional caretaker? Shouldn't HE be his own emotional caretaker, with you to lend a helping hand when he needs it? You're his wife, not his psychiatrist. That's not what you signed up for. Things have to change, and you posting this tells me you've figured that out. That's the first step.

Your next step is to get some help for yourself. Being on this board is good, but I'd definitely suggest finding a therapist who knows about this disorder, and get some solid emotional support and guidance. The first thing your therapist will tell you is that you can't "fix" your husband, no matter how hard you try. You will fail. HE has to fix HIMSELF.

You can help him, and this site has lots of good resources on what you can do. A therapist would also help you to better understand how to set boundaries and communicate with your husband in a way that will help him, but the first thing you have to do is decide that you're not going to do this alone. He has to stop using you as a caretaker and learn to take care of HIMSELF. He can do that with therapy, and there is an effective treatment for BPD called "dialectical behavior therapy." It's intensive and goes on for a LONG time, but if he's 110% committed, he can learn to effectively deal with his disorder. But he has to decide to get better, and that's not something you can do for him.

He will either decide to commit to being healthy, or he won't. And if he doesn't, then you will have some choices to make. Having a therapist will help you through that step, if you need to take it. At this point, let's hope you don't.

For now, know you're not alone. I spent 18 years as my BPDx's caretaker, and I failed spectacularly, but then again, I'm not alone either - ALL of us caretakers fail if the BPD won't commit to getting better. And it hurts - badly. Right down to your marrow. It hurts your SOUL.

I won't sugarcoat it: BPD butchers marriages and relationships. If you're still committed to your marriage, then I hope your husband can do the work needed to help himself.

But in the midst of all this harsh reality, I'm glad to see you're waking up to the fact that your marriage isn't working as is. That's a hard thing to admit, and you did it. This whole thing is a journey, and you're at the beginning of it.

God bless.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My ex  came over and said hi to me.  I was nearly boiling seeing her - someone I hoped to never see again.  Current BPDgf got enraged, wanted to leave immediately, and STILL talks about that incident.  After we left and got into the car, she was clearly upset, and I said, "yes, it was very uncomfortable for me, too."  My Gf then snapped back, "BUT YOU DON"T KNOW HOW I FEEL!"  Geez.  I was the one who dated that horrible woman and was abused by her - *I* was the one that needed someone to ask me if I was okay having run into her - but instead it was my role to comfort my current GF.

My uBPDw was widowed in 2007, I was divorced the same year.  In the 4+ years we've been married we've seen my ex < 10 times, exchanged fewer emails.

And yet still 5-10 times a month she brings up that she doesn't trust because I can always go back to her... . there's still someone "walking around" that I've had sex with.

Nevermind that there's millions of guys she could go off with (and who didn't betray her & choose someone else over her).

It always boils down to the feelings = truth thing... . if she 'feels' it (regardless if it is actually a feeling) then there "must be something there"... .

[Washisheart]

It is extremely frustrating that emotional support is unavailable.

I can try talking to him just for some simple validation or just needing an ear "today my boss said... . " And his response will always be flying off the wire "I TOLD you you need to leave, you refuse to go anywhere, you wasted all that money on your college degree... . " And on and on.

And all I wanted was an ear. It gets to the point I keep all my problems inside. Because I just want a simple issue to end up and hour long lecture on him acting like he knows it all

He has to be narcissistic as well... .