This is really dragging me down

[RJC83]

Hi,

I’m having trouble today seeing a way forward and wanted to put the proverbial pen to paper to gather any advice.

My dBPDw has been having real struggles recently with regulating her emotions and feelings.  It has been a daily occurrence for at least the past 4 weeks – although this is not unusual, I’m really struggling to see a positive way forward. 

We have been together for 12 years now and have been through all the routines of depression, anxiety, self harm, PTSD, anger issues etc until she was officially diagnosed with BPD this year.

I’m at work at the moment and I can’t keep my worries to myself of our relationship lasting much longer.  Reading posts and articles through this site has so far made me feel worse, as I keep on getting reminded that this will never end and I’m worrying I may never be able to lead a normal life.  I do also worry that if I was to leave, she would really struggle and our sons would have to deal with it on their own, which is something I can’t stand the thought of.  They are 9 and 4 and I’m especially worried that our 9yo would feel like he is responsible for caring for her.

I’m at that stage where I put myself down for all her negative feelings and take most of the blame despite knowing that this is not best to do.  She is simply draining me of any self esteem.  I would like to talk to her about it but she usually ends up hating herself more and is convinced either hurting herself/running away/drinking/shouting/not caring etc will make it better.  I have been really trying recently to validate her and try to be a bit more positive myself towards situations.  The problem is, my anxieties are getting worse and I can feel myself blowing up if it continues with more demands for how I approach situations and her reactions if things are not going well.

I do care for her and still love her which is why I’m posting in this forum topic as I would like to hear any success stories that may be out there. 

Rob 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RJC83]

Ok... . guess people have their favourites here.  Or there really is no point in it all.  ___ it  :'(

[maxsterling]

Wish I could give you a success story, but I am in the same place as you right now.  A lengthy T session last night that involved me breaking down crying, and expressing that I am hurt by much of her behavior, and that it's difficult for me to communicate effectively with her if I am hurt. Then she shifted it to "you're hurt - well I hurt worse!"  T kinda smoothed things over and we felt better, but on the drive home I realized that I never heard an apology.  Last night she wanted to be close to me, I just wanted to be numb.  This morning I woke up feeling more depressed than I have been in ages.

BPD is a horrible thing to deal with. 

[maxsterling]

BTW - the worries going through your brain are exactly what is going through mine at the moment.  And to add to that, I'm the kind of person who believes that people need to be accepted for who they are and one should not change for another, and one should not be expected to change for another.  Yet, in this r/s I have concluded that for it to work, I need her to change for me, just a little. And I feel guilt over thinking that way.

[TiggerGirl]

I think many of us who have decided to stay with a SO that suffers from BPD, have plenty of moments having trouble seeing a way forward. We have committed ourselves to a relationship that is never going to be completely stable and certainly no fairy tale.

We all grow and change in a relationship, its certainly supposed to make the other better than what they were before. Trials and hardships are part of the package. I agree that people should be accepted for who they are, no matter what, and not change to just please someone else. But if the change benefits you and makes you a better person, then changing a bit wasn;t so bad. However, with a SO with BPD, it can be a completely different story. You want them to change because it will benefit them and you, but you have to take into account that they want to change and make the effort to do so. And with some, thats not always the case. And one should never feel guilty for wanting them to do so, we are only human.

This week has been hard for me to see the path forward with my uBPDh, so I can completely understand how you feel.    But I continue to press on. I prefer to focus on the positive, not the negative and let it wear me down, something my T pressed upon me to do, to control my depression and anxiety. It may seem like its quite impossible to be postive, but I would rather look upon each day as a gift I have been given and each moment spent with the person I love as a treasure rather than a curse.

Hang in there, there are plenty of us who are hanging in there with you.   

[BadKitty]

I don't know it is possible or not, but is there anyway you could take a time out for a few days? Maybe a mini vacation for yourself to try and have some peace and recharge? That helps me sometimes. You don't even have to go anywhere, just a hotel for the weekend.