re-writing history?

[honeysuckle]

i had a conversation with my ex and he was saying how he was miserable all the time and that i was over too much and never gave him space and wouldn't let go of the past problems we had... . he said we fought all the time and see things different and never on the same page. but at the time he said how much he loved how i knew him so well and that i was his security blanket.

he said he checked out the day i got into an argument with a rude person in line and that it upset him. (not like it was the first time) however this was the day that he found out his previous fling got divorced. i know that they have an inner monolog that we dont know about but he was the one who always wanted me to come over and would say how happy he was that i was there. i stopped talking about the past along time ago and he left me for the girl he cheated on me with over a year earlier who was the one who had divorced.

when he split me black did he change his reality to fit his decision? i feel confused because at the time he was saying he was happy he seemed to be.

[woodsposse]

 

I know the frustration, confussion and pain that is running around your head right now.  It's like you are trying to make sense out of what is/has happening - and what was being said.  And trying to do that can certainly make you a little coo-coo for coco puffs.

Are they re-writing history?  Not entirely.  They are just pulling down the curtains more so you can see what was actually going on in their head at that time.

I don't know your entire background or his story (as in if he is diagnosed and so forth), but it does sound like the mirroring, saying what he thinks you want to hear, saying one thing to your face - but acting something totally different behind your back so you don't find out thing was going on.

So is it really re-writing history?  No.  It is just showing you that you two were in two totally different relationships. And who you thought you were involved with ... . you really were not.  What probably happened is the fear of abandonment and intimacy kicked in... . he found out that a previous attachment object became available... . so wanted to go there... . so started to pull out reasons to bail so as to mitigate his behavior.

As in:

I pulled away from this r/s because of things you did or who you are or things from your past I can't get past, so me being over here with this other woman is justified.

I pulled away because you got into an argument with some dude who has nothing to do with our lives so instead of supporting you and helping through this conflict, I'm gonna use it as a means to get out of this r/s so I can go have fun with someone else and not have to feel the guilt associated with the fact that I cheated on you (all of this was your fault!)

The only person who is, sadly, re-writing history (or forced to re-write it), is you.

And since you may not know all the details of what happened from his end - it is impossible to connect all the dots and understand your own history with him.

[blissful_camper]

Yes.  Rewriting history seems like a possible coping strategy.  Others may have better insight on this than I do (the mechanics of it).

I experienced this throughout the r/s, it was amplified during the breakup, and I saw it again when he apologized a few months after the r/s ended.  He seemed to really believe the rewritten history, and wanted me to believe that version as well.  Only when confronted with the facts, would he acknowledge the truth.  That acknowledgement and acceptance was fleeting though.  Since feelings of shame accompanied facing the facts, he back peddled (in his mind), thus rewriting history once again.  

I remember one occasion when he raged at me.  It was the worst raging I'd experienced.  I'd never seen this kind of rage unleashed in anyone.  I remained calm during the raging.  When we discussed it, he replayed the events.  He expressed that he raged at me because I had yelled.  That didn't happen.  But that is how he rewrote the events in his mind to justify raging at me.  When I calmly presented the facts, he seemed genuinely stunned.  It was as though he had been awakened from sleep and was just snapping out of it.  It was disturbing.  

Toward the end of the r/s, he attempted to convince me that his yelling wasn't raging.  He said that he was capable of greater rage.  That kind of bragging was common with him.  It was also a veiled threat.  

[Madison66]

honeysuckle,

I lived this for 3+ year with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were times I thought she was lying about recent things said and done that I'd bring to her attention.  There were other times, like woodsposse pointed out, where it appeared her what she had going on in her head and in her emotions was very different from what I experienced or what actually happened.  It made me feel crazy and I would accept her reality.  The point about fear of abandonment and intimacy is right on.  All I can tell you is that after I left the r/s for good, maintained complete n/c, began to heal and detach I was able to find healthy peace and wholeness away from that mess.  I'm in new r/s with an incredible non and it is so refreshing and beautiful to be able to be real with someone and not deal with the craziness.  It's out there and you will find it, too!  The first r/s I had to re-establish was with myself.  It has been about self love and self acceptance.  Again, n/c gave me the space and the peace to heal and detach.  

[Tausk]

I remember everything (which in reality is a curse).  But even when I knew that my ex was mis-remembering, and gave evidence to prove it, she could not accept it.  It's a Disorder, and the extent to which the Disorder ruled our lives, was lost to me while I was in the FOG.  

But I try to forgive my ex, because it was only survival techniques.  She really can't process responsibility, empathy, guilt or remorse.  And she really has no sense of "self."  So making things up to fit the moment is really the only way she can survive and function for the moment.  

But, it doesn't make for any real hope for long-term emotional development or happiness.  Only destruction and sadness.

Keep on the board, and learn more.

Peace,

T

[Mutt]

when he split me black did he change his reality to fit his decision? i feel confused because at the time he was saying he was happy he seemed to be.

It's intense pain, anguish and hurt when you are split black, discarded and your history with them is "re-written" I'm sorry. I share a similar experience. The last 12-14 months my wife was dissociating and splitting. It was a hellish experience. I spoke to her very briefly 3 weeks after she left, she was re-writing our marriage. I didn't know about BPD then, very painful to hear.

A couple of weeks ago I came to a conclusion that most of that behaviour is due to a single defense mechanism with lots of faces: Dissociation.  I have been reading about dissociation ever since.

Common behaviour:

- Daydreaming, fasing out = dissociation

- depersonalised sex = dissociation

- "Black and White" thinking = dissociation

- Self mutilation, cutting = dissociation

- Remembering things differently than others do, lying = dissociation

- Raging = dissociation

BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria

[willy45]

It is also called 'gaslighting' and is typical in emotionally abusive relationships.

Mine has also rewritten history to make it seem like she is the one who decided to leave me because she was 've most miserable she had ever been in her life'. This contradicts her insistent pleas to get married and have kids and how her soul mate breaking up with her was 'the worst thing that ever happened to her in her life'.

Don't listen to it. They didn't make sense during the rs, why would they make sense after?

[Infared]

I remember everything (which in reality is a curse).  But even when I knew that my ex was mis-remembering, and gave evidence to prove it, she could not accept it.  It's a Disorder, and the extent to which the Disorder ruled our lives, was lost to me while I was in the FOG.  

But I try to forgive my ex, because it was only survival techniques.  She really can't process responsibility, empathy, guilt or remorse.  And she really has no sense of "self."  So making things up to fit the moment is really the only way she can survive and function for the moment.  

But, it doesn't make for any real hope for long-term emotional development or happiness.  Only destruction and sadness.

Keep on the board, and learn more.

Peace,

T

That so describes the reality of being with a BPD. A rational person attempting to have a committed, loving relationship with that insanity (childishness), is in for a whole world of frustration and pain. Don't we all know it.

[Dog biscuit]

Yes, it has been my experience also. Massivly re-writing history. To me it is the main reason to never ever break NC, to much madness, to much twisting the reality around and around. It would only bring me pain because he would turn everything around and upside down.

Now he would say "We weren't compatibel", I have felt miserable all the time, you where no good for me, it was just a fling, blahthef!ckingdah!"

Of course he was the one who always wanted more, more validation, more "we are so compatibel honey, you are my dream come true"  , and "I have never felt happier".

He used to say how safe and accepted I made him feel, how wonderfull it was that he had met me, how lucky he was for that, how he wanted to grow old with me. But that was also a lot of blahthef!ckingdah!

It is his way to justify his bizarre behaviour and to make some sense of it. Painfull and crazymaking stuff. 

[BorisAcusio]

Now he would say "We weren't compatibel", I have felt miserable all the time, you where no good for me, it was just a fling, blahthef!ckingdah!"

Of course he was the one who always wanted more, more validation, more "we are so compatibel honey, you are my dream come true"  , and "I have never felt happier".

He used to say how safe and accepted I made him feel, how wonderfull it was that he had met me, how lucky he was for that, how he wanted to grow old with me. But that was also a lot of blahthef!ckingdah!

That is exactly how my exBPDgf rewrited our history. Different language, different culture, different continent and still the same script.

[ConverseHome]

This is an amazing thread for me right now, as I have been seeing much more of my xBPDgf over the last few weeks, largely b/c we still have logistical issues to contend with (selling house, we work together, etc.). It was my birthday recently and gave me a gift and card, and we spent some time together (big mistake for me), because she says "she'll always care."

I've been feeling incredibly depressed and weepy the last few days, and I know it's b/c of the contact. During this time she continues to, on the one hand, commend me for how much healthy progress I have made without her, and on the other, dump on me with her classic lines like: do I know how abusive I was, how much I hurt her, did I do these things on purpose, did it make me feel good to hurt her? It's like stepping back in the twilight zone again.

Personally, I found the re-writing of history throughout the relationship, and now, one of the hardest things on me (particularly b/c I'm susceptible to such distortions due to FOO issues). When we went to couples therapy, and I met alone with the therapist a few times (as did she), I tried my best to explain that it wasn't just that she and I experienced things differently (quite normal in relationships), rather it was that she re-wrote narratives so convincingly and that I needed the distortions to stop. They were making me crazy (and still do sometimes). I used the analogy with the therapist that, in my life with my then BPDgf, the grass was blue and the sky was green, down was up and up was down. Still, I couldn't seem to convey even to the CT has gross the distortions were. When the final split happened - my xBPDgf who has a drinking problem crossed the line while raging in my face and started to physically shake me - how did my xBPDgf handle that? Well, she charged me with making false accusations, and that I was the abusive one. I knew it was time to go.

Yet, here I am, accepting birthday gifts and her continued dumping on me, the human garbage bin. The good news, is that despite the sadness all of this brings, despite the flicker of hope I still allow myself to go to from time to time, I am stronger and I can see that my reality functions just fine. I think that it's the distance of nearly six months, and the return to further gas lighting/re-writing of history over the last few weeks, that has me so sad and depressed - not because I can't see it all more clearly now, but rather I do see it very clearly and am mourning the person I was that lived this experience on a daily basis for years, the person that tried so hard in vain to use reason and nearly every other "fix it" approach to demonstrate to my xBPDgf, and even our couples' therapist, how gross the distortions, lies and dishonesties were. Yes, I'm experiencing waves of grief for what was, in some ways, self-inflicted pain as I played the willing accomplice. Lots of reflection time and distance has me moving towards breaking this repetition pattern in my life so that I can keep moving to a happy and healthier place where the grass is, in fact, green, and the sky is blue!

[BorisAcusio]

That is exactly how my exBPDgf rewrited our history. Different language, different culture, different continent and still the same script.

Here is brief the explanation, if you're interested what happening behind the curtains:

"In the paranoid-schizoid position, the past is constantly changing; each new event radically changes all previous ones. The present is immediately projected onto all previous experience thus nihilating the past. The past becomes merely a fluid extension of the present. When the borderline patient becomes angry at the therapist, all the previous experiences viewed as a deception on the part of the therapist."