Sending a gift to my Stepson?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Firstly, my ex and I never married, but because I've known his son since the age of 10 months and having had been parts of each other's lives for so long, I consider him my stepson.

He will be five years old on June 24th and when I left a month ago, I promised him that I'd send him a birthday present this year.  I received a text from my ex on friday in which he told me that his son still asks about me, when I'm coming back and that he said that he (stepson) misses me.  (this has nothing to do with seeking a gift, or anything, his contact was due to a photo he'd seen of me online, he just decided to mention his son unrelatedly)

I have not responded to to any contact from my ex in a week, so I am not completely NC yet - though he is now blocked, etc.  I know that sending a birthday gift to my stepson will prompt contact... . contact that I probably don't want (that kind of 'you're such a great person' kind of contact).  But I also know that I promised this beautiful child something and I feel as though I should keep that promise.  He will forget about me eventually, and I won't feel obligated to remain in his life a little bit, but until that time, I don't want to be (another) adult in his life that promises things to him and doesn't deliver.  The sending of gift has nothing at all to do with his father, nor do I wish / hope to reignite contact with my ex.  I care for this kid, and have been in his life for so long.  He is too young to understand why I'm gone, but he deserves to know that I haven't abandoned him and it's not his fault that I'm gone.

I lean toward sending something, but I am aware of the drawbacks that can occur because of it.  This is not some kind of stunt or manipulation on my part.  I miss this kid and I'd like to one last, nice thing for him.

Should I send something?  Or just chalk it up to a loss?

[maternal]

Firstly, my ex and I never married, but because I've known his son since the age of 10 months and having had been parts of each other's lives for so long, I consider him my stepson.

He will be five years old on June 24th and when I left a month ago, I promised him that I'd send him a birthday present this year.  I received a text from my ex on friday in which he told me that his son still asks about me, when I'm coming back and that he said that he (stepson) misses me.  (this has nothing to do with seeking a gift, or anything, his contact was due to a photo he'd seen of me online, he just decided to mention his son unrelatedly)

I have not responded to to any contact from my ex in a week, so I am not completely NC yet - though he is now blocked, etc.  I know that sending a birthday gift to my stepson will prompt contact... . contact that I probably don't want (that kind of 'you're such a great person' kind of contact).  But I also know that I promised this beautiful child something and I feel as though I should keep that promise.  He will forget about me eventually, and I won't feel obligated to remain in his life a little bit, but until that time, I don't want to be (another) adult in his life that promises things to him and doesn't deliver.  The sending of gift has nothing at all to do with his father, nor do I wish / hope to reignite contact with my ex.  I care for this kid, and have been in his life for so long.  He is too young to understand why I'm gone, but he deserves to know that I haven't abandoned him and it's not his fault that I'm gone.

I lean toward sending something, but I am aware of the drawbacks that can occur because of it.  This is not some kind of stunt or manipulation on my part.  I miss this kid and I'd like to one last, nice thing for him.

Should I send something?  Or just chalk it up to a loss?

[rougeetnoir]

Hi Maternal,

I was in a very similar situation-- six year old, in my case-- and I decided, even though I knew it would probably lead to some sort of contact from my ex, to proceed with sending a card.  I will even send a Christmas card, though by that point I will have been NC for 9 or 10 months.  

To me it was about the following: my ex's son and I had a relationship.  It was a relationship that my ex tried to manipulate for her gains (after I left after she put her hands around my throat, she accused me of "just pretending to be his father," for instance), but it meant and means a lot to me.  I am enough of a grownup to ignore her abuse and take the hurt that will be activated by it for the sake of the child whom I love dearly.  I was aware of the risks and did it anyhow, even though it hurt.

Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is best for you.  For me, the risks were worth it for precisely the reasons you described. One thing that helped is that I had realized the way my ex operated and was able to not get sucked into the FOG, dialogue, etc.  It seems like you have a grasp on that.

I hope this helps and you sound like a good and caring person whom the stepson was lucky to have in his life no matter what.

[maternal]

Thank you.  That helps a lot.

It's not about me or my ex, it's about this child.  The kid doesn't deserve to be punished in some sense for what went down between his father and I.