I'm still confused

[kikimo]

My undiagnosed BF and I had a long conversation a 1 1/2 months ago. I'm still dwelling on and trying to understand some of things he told me in that conversation. Sometimes I think I'm just fooling myself... . you see, if this was a "regular" guy, I'd know that he just isn't that into me. However, with my BF, I don't believe that to be so. Even when I'm spending several days entertaining myself without a word out of him. Maybe I can get some insight into if this was normal behavior for someone with BPD or I'm just a fool, and this guy doesn't care about me at all. I did explain some of this in my first post, so please excuse me if some of this sounds familiar.

He missed a date. He came by early the next morning to explain why. I didn't get mad, or blow up... . However, I did tell him that by missing the date it hurt my feelings a little bit. Hours later, after I thought the subject was resolved, he went into this mild rage basically something like this... .

"I am scared to death that any day you're going to tell me you've found someone else, and I'm going to get hurt. I can't play an active part in what I believe you want out of this. I can't be a soccer dad, or that guy that takes you out on lots of lots of dates. I feel obligated to do these things, but I don't. I can do more, but I'm not going to. I'm not ready for a super serious relationship. I thought that I could be these things for you, and I care about you... . but I talked myself into believing this isn't going to work out, so I can't do these things. I thought about you being with another guy, and that didn't make me jealous and that's wrong."

(Okay, I thought it was weird that all this was about how he didn't do enough for me, but he was scared he was going to get hurt)

I asked what his feelings for me were. He said that he cared about me, but he knows he talked himself out of things. I asked if I was friend zoned or someone he thought he could come to love in a romantic way. He said that I was someone that he could come to love, but it wouldn't be soon. He basically need to work on himself, that he doesn't love himself. After I told him that I was ready to move in with each other or anything else super serious at this point, that I did care about him. That I went into this knowing it would be slow (as he told me on the 2nd date that he moved slow, yet asked me what we were on the 2nd date?) Anyways, he was super relieved I still wanted to see him, and he truly wanted to keep seeing me. He ended the conversation with "well, I wanted to come and explain this to you in person, and give you really good sex so you didn't go out and find someone else".  <--- what was that? I thought he wouldn't be jealous? So, I said "I thought you wouldn't be jealous if I did that." He said "oh whatever" in that caught with your hand in the cookie jar bit and leaned in and kissed me.

The next day he sent me a message saying "goodnight, I hope you have good thoughts about me."  <--- What is that? The next week he came to my work and did all those "things" he said he couldn't do. Even calling me terms of endearment, which was specifically one of those "things" he said he couldn't do. I've since received more loving attention from him. Even receiving messages from him saying things like "I wished I was making love to you today" and seeing a more loving side to him in person. Now even volunteering to take me to my class reunion?

Am I a fool?

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[kikimo]

I forgot to add as well that he did say this "if this becomes too much for you, let me know". That statement leads me to believe that he is aware that he has issues... . When I first met him, he said that he was everyone's stepping stone to something better. That I'd do the same one day.

[kikimo]

I wished there was an edit on this thing :-/... . Anyways, I meant above that I wasn't ready to move in together or anything super serious.

I also forgot that since there was about 3 weeks were he made meetings and canceled them, but on the 4th week he followed through.

[nothing]

What do you think he was doing for the 3 weeks he canceled on you? To me consistent actions speak louder than words.

[kikimo]

He was keeping contact with me, but he would schedule to meet, then cancel right before several times. He was pushing me away. When he feels he is getting too close, that's what happens. Anytime I can feel him getting closer to me, I can expect he will push me away for sometime, then bounce back.

What is difficult for me is that with people who have BPD the "rules" are not the same. With a nonBPD I'd know he wasn't that into me. With someone who has BPD it could be there not into me, or yes, they are into me too much... . does that make sense. How do you know?

[Narellan]

Please protect your heart from those endearments. The real conversation about the relationship is what he wants. Or all he can offer. The rest is his courting ritual. I learned this the hard way. They set boundaries then break them with words, sucking you into falling so hard for them, then back to " but I told you I can't bla bla bla... . "

Yeah, so why after that tell me I'm the love of your life... . Mine replied " try not to take notice of my words"   

[Narellan]

Hey kikimo there is an edit, on the right hand side of your message there's a modify button, you can click and alter what you previously posted

[kikimo]

I understand exactly what you are saying, but it's not just words with him, it's actions as well. Helping me do things at work, bringing me breakfast or dinner, etc... . It's as if time elapses, I'm getting less words from him, but time we spend together is more action based things. I know he did cancel on me for three weeks, but the week before, and the 1 to 2 weeks after, it's been more about action.

When he had that talk with me, he thought I was going to break up with him. He even said after it was over "you handled that a lot better than I would have". If I was in your shoes, I would have been yelling and going crazy. My brother said he can drew all that up in his head knowing I was going to toss him. So he blamed the relationship other than himself for not showing up. It's just all very confusing.

[kikimo]

I still can't find the edit button ... .

I did show a more vulnerable side to him. Actually crying, and not appearing to be as strong as the independent woman I had always appear to be. I told him I was having some financial problems, and wanted to straighten that out before I jumped into something super serious. The next week, he helped me with work, gave me some ideas to make more money, and even offered to help me with a bill. He seems to be very happy about this. Even telling some of this family and friends were I worked, and to come buy some things from me to help me out.