When you don't hear from them again.

[Depression = 72% of members]

How often have people found this to happen?

[Eric1]

How often have people found this to happen?

[Mutt]

How often have people found this to happen?

I'm sorry Eric1. Many members have gone through this. Do you mean split black and they ignore you as if you didn't exist after being in a relationship with them? Can you give us details so we can understand and support you with what is currently happening?

[BorisAcusio]

Unfortunately they can show up any time, regardless how black you were splitted. The new relationship fails, something goes wrong in their life and all the previous "good objects" become a possible source of easing pain and anxiety.

[LettingGo14]

How often have people found this to happen?

I have found this Eric1.   But, if I step way way way back, and view my life as a whole, there have been several people who have come and gone from my life.   The challenge for me -- and perhaps for others -- is that we have come to define much, or part, of ourselves by our relationship with this one person.  

I am trying to understand why I am so sensitive to this particular relationship.   It's loss feels more traumatic than other losses I have experienced in my life.   Some of us have partners who won't go away, and others of us have partners who go away.   It is what we face -- and I'm trying to internalize the fact that I'm the one who keeps it alive, and real.  

The meaning of the person, and the relationship, is within me.  Without me giving it meaning, it loses power.  So, I keep reframing, reconsidering, and re-evaluating.  It's teaching me things I never knew about myself, and giving me a perspective I never had.

[myself]

I have/still am. It's been a mixed blessing. Helps with NC, but hurts. Unanswered questions, etc. She said her silence would be a way to continue punishing me long after she was gone. Spoken like a real "soul mate"  

[Eric1]

We agreed on going NC, and have blocked each other. But in the past, she still called. This is why I asked, because she hasn't reached out.

[Mutt]

We agreed on going NC, and have blocked each other. But in the past, she still called. This is why I asked, because she hasn't reached out.

She doesn't respect boundaries that's why she called, she called for something that she needs. A pwBPD does not respond well to boundaries but it is up to us to uphold them irregardless. She's occupied with someone else most likely that's why she went radio silent. I'm sorry to say that and I'm sorry if that hurts.

Think of it this way. A small child will play with a toy until interest is lost and a new shiny object or toy comes along. The current toy is now put on a shelf for a later time and the child is now occupied with the new toy. We're put on shelves for later use, if she currently doesn't have an object / attachment. She may of contacted you in the past despite mutual NC to see if your there for potential availability. You know her best Eric1 but my ex does this often, the cold, silent treatment and is forgetful of my needs regarding the children, when she tries to contact outside of the kids and their needs, it's nothing about me but something for her narcissistic need.

How are you detaching?

[huhhuh]

it happened for me too. So many unanswered questions. Both about the relationship and why I never heard from her again.

It gets better with time. Hang in there.

[Eric1]

The only way I'm detaching is by maiming no contact. I go through stages of hating her for the way she treated me, then I completely flip & start ruminating and loving her again.

[Mutt]

The only way I'm detaching is by maiming no contact. I go through stages of hating her for the way she treated me, then I completely flip & start ruminating and loving her again.

I'm sorry Eric1. It's a difficult process and you have a right to be angry when you invested your love and yourself in a committed relationship and you are split black. It stings like hell. You don't deserve to be treated a such. We can get stuck with ruminating and doubting that we are dealing with a serious disorder, a mental illness. It's hard to accept. I recall a member suggested to me to tell myself daily that she is mentally ill every day. I did that for a period of time, combined with support here and articles it eventually sunk in. I hope that that helps and take what works for you to detach from the members of this community. Work through healthy anger, get it out of your system and vent. Detachment will lead to freedom, you can get past this painful experience.  Hang in there Eric1.

[Lion Fire]

I have had 2 BPD relationships, one 10 years ago and one that ended 2 months ago.

From my experience they do come back at some point. My ex from 10 years ago contacted me sporadically for a couple of years, then years later we actually had some sort of friendship because she was in a "stable relationship". I was actually part of a Triangulation in that situation so I was reluctant and detached. When that r/s ended she disappeared and popped up a year later. I'd say i hear from her every six months or so and it's not a relationship of any depth. Although our relationship ended in a mess, there was not a lot of bad blood between us at any time.

With my recent ex, it's harder to gauge. This was way more damaging and she is severely caught up in her disorder. I have blocked her now. Until then she would contact me after a week or so. we had 3 weeks NC and then she reached out by email last week about something official we have to sort out.

Put it this way, if they need you for whatever reason, they will try to contact you. It's up to you to decide whether you want to engage.

NC has been the most peaceful path I've found. I have never felt truly at ease with any interaction. There has been a lot of damage that can only be healed by detaching and releasing.

[cosmonaut]

My ex abandoned me and then disappeared.  I haven't heard a thing from her except for a text saying to never contact her again.  I did see a photo of her on Facebook recently.  Other than that, it's pretty much like we never even knew each other at all.  So much for loving me forever.

While it's common for pwBPD to recycle it's also entirely possible that they will disappear for good.  I don't think I'll hear from my ex again.  I think there's too much shame (she knows her issues - more specifically her refusal to address them - wrecked everything), and I'm too much of a trigger now as a result.  I hate it.  I am very jealous, in a way, of those that have contact.  There is so much that's never been said.  There's been absolutely zero closure.  I never  even got to say goodbye.  She broke up pretending we'd still be friends and be in touch.  One of the very last things she ever said to me was, "we'll talk soon".  Obviously that never happened.

I've been angry lately.  I am really feeling the anger towards her and the mountains of empty promises and hollow words.  I know she's sick.  I know she's traumatized.  I know she needs help.  I'm still furious with her.  It's hell, man.  I know how much this hurts.  I've never known such hurt in my life.  It's unreal that someone can just flip the switch and stop loving their "soulmate".  Just like that.  That's splitting for you.

[forgetthepast]

My ex-fiancé disappeared for good.  Not a peep in 3 years.  How do you go from being engaged to never speaking to that person ever again if you never cheated or abused that person in any way.  I was the one who was abused in many ways.

The end was bad, I admit, but doesn't time take care of that somehow in their mind?  The way she ended it, I didn't feel it was my place to ever contact her again.  I felt she had to contact me and at least show some concern for how I was doing or apologize in some meaningful way so that I could put it behind me.  She didn't do that and I know she never will.  She forgot I exist, probably sooner than later.  What a shame.

[Waifed]

How often have people found this to happen?

After I pissed her off the last time and she had the police call because I told her she was BPD we have been NC for 8 months. I think she may have permanently moved on even though when we were dating she had a pretty good idea of what all her exes were up too. We will see how it plays out but I have had a good amount of time to begin detaching. Hopefully I will be indifferent if I ever hear from her again. One thing is certain. I would never go back.

[Mutt]

My ex abandoned me and then disappeared.  I haven't heard a thing from her except for a text saying to never contact her again.  I did see a photo of her on Facebook recently.  Other than that, it's pretty much like we never even knew each other at all.  So much for loving me forever.

While it's common for pwBPD to recycle it's also entirely possible that they will disappear for good.  I don't think I'll hear from my ex again.  I think there's too much shame (she knows her issues - more specifically her refusal to address them - wrecked everything), and I'm too much of a trigger now as a result.  I hate it.  I am very jealous, in a way, of those that have contact.  There is so much that's never been said.  There's been absolutely zero closure.  I never  even got to say goodbye.  She broke up pretending we'd still be friends and be in touch.  One of the very last things she ever said to me was, "we'll talk soon".  Obviously that never happened.

I've been angry lately.  I am really feeling the anger towards her and the mountains of empty promises and hollow words.  I know she's sick.  I know she's traumatized.  I know she needs help.  I'm still furious with her.  It's hell, man.  I know how much this hurts.  I've never known such hurt in my life.  It's unreal that someone can just flip the switch and stop loving their "soulmate".  Just like that.  That's splitting for you.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's tough. Anger is a natural part of the grieving process. You may go through the five stages of grieving in any order and you may cycle through a stage more than once.

Anger/Resentment -

Anger often the reaction to being hurt and/or fearful, and helpless to do anything about it. The greater the loss, the greater the reaction.

In the Kübler-Ross model, you might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying (Kübler-Ross model).  In the relationship, you may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family. You may feel anger at your friends or family for supporting her and not you. You may be angry for being betrayed.  You may be angery for not being idealized any longer (ego wound). 

Anger is a very complex pat of grieving - many of us stumble in this stage with either unhealthy anger (misdirected, trapping) or no anger (no release).

We need to determine why we're angry and focus our feeling on the true issues - if not, anger can imprison people. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

cosmonaut do you think that she would give you proper closure if she didn't split you black? Mature adults will give each other closure at the end of the relationship but our exe's are emotionally immature. We need to find closure for ourselves. We don't know if they will return or not, most do from what others state on the boards. Grieve, detach and give yourself closure. You will survive this.

If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

[AwakenedOne]

My ex-fiancé disappeared for good.  Not a peep in 3 years.  How do you go from being engaged to never speaking to that person ever again if you never cheated or abused that person in any way.  I was the one who was abused in many ways.The end was bad, I admit, but doesn't time take care of that somehow in their mind?  The way she ended it, I didn't feel it was my place to ever contact her again.  I felt she had to contact me and at least show some concern for how I was doing or apologize in some meaningful way so that I could put it behind me.  She didn't do that and I know she never will.  She forgot I exist, probably sooner than later.  What a shame.

This is also my story exactly. Just substitute wife for fiancé and 9months for 3years.

[fortunes_fool]

My ex and I were together for 3 1/2 years, and for almost a year after we broke up, she continued to text and call me almost incessantly. Then, suddenly, she texted less and less, and within a week of this lag beginning, she sent me a text saying, "I'm moving on, and you should too. I'm sorry." I called her directly after receiving the message, and she answered after maybe 10 rings, sounded irritated, and seemed surprised I needed further explanation. She told me that she had met a new guy and they were "serious", and it would be "unfair" to him for her to have any further communication with me. All the time we'd been communicating since the break-up, it was under the guise that she created that we would remain friends. That call, though, was one of very few further communications I received from her; she and I had shared a storage unit, and I saw her once more to clear my belongings from it. Thereafter, she didn't call, didn't text... . nothing. I sent a text on the day that would have been her deceased son's birthday, because it had always been a very difficult day for her; she sent a text back saying simply, "Thanks," 3 days later.

It's really disheartening and confusing to have someone leave things that way. In the time we were "friends" after our break-up (we were NEVER friends, truly; instead, I seemed to just be her long-distance battering ram), I was never able to bring up any of the issues I had leftover from the relationship because, in true Borderline fashion, she refused to acknowledge any fault whatsoever in anything, and instead resorted to being verbally abusive to me. A week before she ceased communication with me, she'd been talking to me like nothing was any different, still telling me all the goings-on of her everyday life, whether or not I wanted to hear them. There was no closure. There never has been.

I still am tempted on a nearly daily basis to check her Facebook and see what she's up to, who she's with, etc. (we've been out of contact for about 3 months now). I desperately need some sort of closure, but the more I read on these forums, the less I believe I'll ever get it. A previous poster said, "How do you go from being engaged to never speaking to that person again?" I don't know; if you figure it out, please let me know. That's my situation, and I am bereft beyond what I might have thought possible.

[letmeout]

So

I recall a member suggested to me to tell myself daily that she is mentally ill every day.

I have heard that when someone walks out of your life, let them walk.

It opens up room for something better to come in. We only need to work on our own issues to get to that 'something better'.

I know we get stuck on the 'whys' and 'what ifs' but that is only beating a dead horse. What helped me was I wrote down a lot of my ex's abuse and bad behaviors; sometimes I still need to re-read them when I start ruminating and questioning the experience. It stops my thoughts about it, and brings a big feeling of gratitude that I'm no longer in that situation! 





Everything that happens, happens for a reason.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's tough. Anger is a natural part of the grieving process. You may go through the five stages of grieving in any order and you may cycle through a stage more than once.

Thanks, Mutt.  I am feeling less anger today.  Last few days I had been feeling very agitated and angry.  I mentioned before in some other threads that I had been triggered by some things, and I think I've been working through that.  Today, I am feeling more detached.  More accepting.  I know she's gone, and I don't think I will ever really understand why.  Honestly, I don't think believe she understands herself.  Learning about BPD has provided a great deal of context, but it is still very hard to understand how someone can love you so deeply and then shut it off so completely.  Splitting and dissociating are profoundly negative coping mechanisms and they, very tragically, lead to terrible suffering for everyone involved.

cosmonaut do you think that she would give you proper closure if she didn't split you black? Mature adults will give each other closure at the end of the relationship but our exe's are emotionally immature. We need to find closure for ourselves. We don't know if they will return or not, most do from what others state on the boards. Grieve, detach and give yourself closure. You will survive this.

Would she be able to give me closure?  I'm not sure.  By the time we broke up, she was so dysregulated that I don't know.  I suppose probably not.  She simply can not handle stress of any sort.  Just being alive and getting through the day is often more than she can handle without being triggered.  She has no positive coping skills.  None at all.  She said so many, many times herself.  All of my attempts to help her in that regard were seen as invalidating and lead to her shutting down.  She is a profoundly damaged woman.  It absolutely breaks my heart how hurt and broken she is.  She is a definitive waif, but she does have very real problems and many are truly not her fault.  She has a very heavy cross to bear in life, and I still wish so badly that I could help her to carry it.  But she won't let me.  I don't think she will let anyone.  I think it is a hideous combination of two things.  She is terribly afraid to face the pain and trauma inside and I think she is afraid to let anyone see it either.  On the other hand, she is a waif and she has learned that utilizing her very real problems is very powerful in eliciting sympathy and attachment from others.  I think she has been using it almost all her life, and it is now a deeply ingrained behavior.  She is not going to let that go easily, and I think it significantly contributes to her refusal to actually resolve anything.

I know you are right.  I will have to provide closure myself.  It is a very murky way, but I am trying to grope a path through the dark.

Thanks again, man.  I appreciate your advice and support.   

[Blimblam]

In my experience even when they say the words that would give me closure in a different relationship.  With the uBPD ex they have not.  The face to face recognition of the pain she has caused with her actions the looking into my eyes with empathy action hasn't happened.  The closest I got was a look of fear of losing me.  It was so confusing.  I understand now that she is not capable of it. I guess acceptance of that is the closest I will come to closure.  Processing it is my challenge now. 

For a long time I wanted to have that experience with her of understanding.  My desire for reciprocity has caused me incredible amounts of grief, suffering, and confusion. 

[paul16]

If you're not hearing from them I would suspect that they have found a new victim and you aren't in their thoughts. Consider yourself fortunate.

When they do contact you (and it's when, not if) have the resolve to not respond in any way. This will make them seek out other victims and help rule you out as a possibility.

[dillan6241]

I'm not sure how this plays into everyone's story, but my exBPDgf broke up and left all within less than a week, leaving behind a bunch of her stuff at my apartment including her cat. I got so fed up with her just stopping by whenever she liked to pick up her stuff and feed her cat and then go out and party with other guys while crashing at random friend's houses, that I just left her stuff out on the porch, changed the locks and told her to go.

She said before she left that she wanted to talk, because we never had real closure, she broke up with me via text while I was away for a week. She said she "felt bad," and wanted to have "lunch" just to talk about but I said no... . went NC about 3 months ago. Not a single word from her at all, not even on my birthday, Easter or anything. She's the type that won't speak to you unless you speak to her first. I don't believe she'll contact me unless something serious happens and she really "needs" me, which is the sole reason she contacted me 1 month after the b/u, but even then she has a HUGE source of guys to select from, so I don't believe she'll ever break NC.

In ways, its a relief, but in other ways I want her to reach out, I mean she lives .2 miles from my work. Staying this way however, being NC and not even checking for FB/Twitter or w/e has been a huge relief to me though... .

[paul16]

Very similar story here Dillan. It took months for her to get all of her stuff out of my house. It was my idea that she leave but I also knew that she had many other people (men) that she could tap into and "victimize." She also left her dogs, even after taking all of her other stuff. She told me she'd be back for them. That was 7+ years ago. One of them has passed away. The other one is a very sweet dog and has long forgotten about her. Wish I could.

Try to stay strong and stay away from her. She probably just wants to use you anyway so you have to become of no use to her.

[Lights843]

My ex abandoned me and then disappeared.  I haven't heard a thing from her except for a text saying to never contact her again.  I did see a photo of her on Facebook recently.  Other than that, it's pretty much like we never even knew each other at all.  So much for loving me forever.

While it's common for pwBPD to recycle it's also entirely possible that they will disappear for good.  I don't think I'll hear from my ex again.  I think there's too much shame (she knows her issues - more specifically her refusal to address them - wrecked everything), and I'm too much of a trigger now as a result.  I hate it.  I am very jealous, in a way, of those that have contact.  There is so much that's never been said.  There's been absolutely zero closure.  I never  even got to say goodbye.  She broke up pretending we'd still be friends and be in touch.  One of the very last things she ever said to me was, "we'll talk soon".  Obviously that never happened.

I've been angry lately.  I am really feeling the anger towards her and the mountains of empty promises and hollow words.  I know she's sick.  I know she's traumatized.  I know she needs help.  I'm still furious with her.  It's hell, man.  I know how much this hurts.  I've never known such hurt in my life.  It's unreal that someone can just flip the switch and stop loving their "soulmate".  Just like that.  That's splitting for you.

This is what happened with my ex-wife. We haven't contacted each other for two and a half years and I never expect her to reach out much less apologize. I saw her at our final divorce hearing but we didn't speak. The burden of shame she carries for the things she has done has to be the most painful thing anyone can ever have to deal with but I moved on. 

[gettingoverit]

My ex disappeared without a trace when she left. It was a gong show of a breakup complete with lies, betrayal (of her and my now ex friend) and the police. She turned it into the gong show it became. It has been over three years now, I have heard nothing. Thank god for that! Going from how she would keep tabs on her ex when we were together, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew stuff about me as well. We have mutual acquaintances, who I am sure are passing on info to her. You know what... . I don't give a ___! Let her stalk all she wants, as long as I don't have to deal with her anymore. As painful as the disappearance act can feel, it is actually a blessing in disguise. We already know they don't do closure, because they don't take responsibility for anything. It's all your fault remember? You have time to heal without kookoo the clown bringing you down (was a poet and didn't even know it). Trust me... . this is WAY BETTER. Even if they do contact you, there is a very good possibility that they are just Triangulation you with your replacement. Things may not be going as well as they had hoped with their new "soul mate"... . perhaps they are looking for a little added drama to spice things up on their end. The reasons are endless. The point is... . and I think it's the best thing of all... . you don't have to deal with them anymore. They are gone for good. In time you will see what a true blessing this really is.

[lifeafter18years]

I do feel a little envious of the people who have been contacted  because I have not been.  Its as if I was the only one in the relationship of 18 years, supposedly soulmates and me a best friend who he could not live without and be without and imagine not seeing again.  Then poof, one day he tells me we need to divorce, 5 days later I find out he is with someone else and had cheated on me, 2 days later he calls and i tell him why does he bother if I am TOXIC to him  ( his excused to justify the cheating and not feel guilt)  then nothing and he shows up one week later to see kids, has nerve to call HER within 30 minutes of being at OUR home not knowing I could hear him from bathroom.  Leaves 5 days later and has not tried to contact me at all.  He does call kids once in a while but I do not answer phone.  He does not ask for me, has not tried to talk to me, has not tried to apologize for what he has done, does not email, text, nothing.  This has been for about 3 weeks now.  I would not take him back but it does HURT to see I dont matter at ALL.  18 years... .

[Split black]

I felt she had to contact me and at least show some concern for how I was doing or apologize in some meaningful way so that I could put it behind me.  She didn't do that and I know she never will.  She forgot I exist, probably sooner than later.  What a shame.

This is exactly how I felt. However... . the way she re-wrote history and demonizes me whatever she has done... . lying,cheating,manipulating and Triangulation to say the least doesn't exist in her mind. The couple of times in the last few months where NC was broken either by her or me... . the conversations become one of her spewing hate and just crazy accusations. Impossible to defend. Any reasonable conversation became something like... . keep your lies to yourself... or your a monster or I hate you ... . etc etc etc.  I told her that if she would at least acknowledge her behavior and whats shes done and apologize we might be able to be friends... .   She said that she wouldn't be my friend ever, that Im a manipulating liar... .   such projection.

You are better off, so much better off... . every contact I have sucks my mind back into the abyss and its like starting over. There will never be a good outcome. I was recycled 4 times at least in one year. And shes back with her ex whom she hated. They are in love.    I wonder who shes cheating on him with now... .   actually I dont care.