What Do You All Consider a Break Up?

[bruceli]

Being in a PD relationship... . would this be considered one... . "We're done, we are broken up!"  Going on 16 days now of not seeing each other BUT she still texts and communicates business as usual.  My question... . Broken up or using this to punish and hurt for my "perceived" behaviors?  What do you all think?  Very curious to know if any of you have or are currently going through this.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[woodsposse]

 

Hi.  I usually don't post on this board that much - but something told me to jump in.

I would like to ask you what do you think?  No one knows your back story, your life, what is in your head and heart more than you.  And you probably especially know your s/o better than any of us.

Or another question I would ask you is... . what is it you want?

Do you want a break up?  Do you want a reconciliation?  Again, I don't know the back story or how your r/s has been living itself out... . but what do you want and need for you and your life?  Have you ever gone low tech and actually took pen and paper and wrote out "what I want"... . in a list?

Do you know what you want?  And if you know what you want, do you have the information and support to know how to try and go about and get it.

A lot of questions, I know - but - your happiness starts and ends with you.  Maybe that is where you need to look to have the question answered.  (just a thought)   

[Grey Kitty]

My question... . Broken up or using this to punish and hurt for my "perceived" behaviors?

I'd take a third option: Unable to process a normal r/s in a clear fashion due to mental illness, resulting in mixed messages.

A better question than what she intends/wants is what do you want to do with this ambiguous situation? The ambiguity sucks for you pretty clearly.

[OnceConfused]

Breaking up is one of the tools or ammunitions that my xBPDgf used. It seemed we were breaking up every week only to be back within hours or a day or two. It is just a way to make BPD feel superior and dominant in the r/s. For example, in the middle of a round of golf with friends, if I did not pick up the phone when she called, then the threat of breaking up ensued. I became so jittery and anxious in making sure I picked up the phone responding to her. I was like the Pavlov Dog. I indeed became "Walking on Eggshells".

[bruceli]

Breaking up is one of the tools or ammunitions that my xBPDgf used. It seemed we were breaking up every week only to be back within hours or a day or two. It is just a way to make BPD feel superior and dominant in the r/s. For example, in the middle of a round of golf with friends, if I did not pick up the phone when she called, then the threat of breaking up ensued. I became so jittery and anxious in making sure I picked up the phone responding to her. I was like the Pavlov Dog. I indeed became "Walking on Eggshells".

So again it seems to me... . to control and punish... . Thank you.

[Grey Kitty]

I think that the "control and punish" aspect of pulling away / silent treatment is there somewhere, because it has that result quite effectively, although you can choose to stop reacting like Pavlov's dog, and respond in a different way, once you become aware.

I've read that the BPD abusive patterns follow pretty much exactly the script that a cult would use for brainwashing. It *is* effective. However, I don't believe that the person doing this actually read up on or planned to be abusive, controlling, or brainwash--I think that they are (usually) the person's coping mechanisms for getting through life, and usually not thought about or examined.

The tough question is how do you interpret behavior which has a clear result, and benefit for the person doing it... . but they are not aware of any intention to do so?

That would be my guess as to what your partner is doing, bruceli

[maxsterling]

In a previous r/s with a likely NPD, she one day said, somewhat unexpectedly, that this relationship would not work and that she would never want to marry me.  Okay.  I was staying at her house at the time, and she had moved to a town about an hour from me.  So, I packed up my things, and drove home.  Later she emailed and asked why I had just left without really saying goodbye.  Umm.  Ok.  The next day she emailed and said she loves me and always wants me in her life.  Wow, what confusion!  At that time, I didn't know what I wanted, but kept up the contact with her for a month or so, thinking that she just wants a break.  After about a month and a half, I realized that she really didn't give a crap about me, so I called her on this, and that was the end of it.

My advice?  Same as others.  Examine what you want, and don't worry about trying to figure out what she wants.  If you want her, wait and see.  If you don't want her, tell her that the constant contact is inappropriate, and move on. 

[bruceli]

I think that the "control and punish" aspect of pulling away / silent treatment is there somewhere, because it has that result quite effectively, although you can choose to stop reacting like Pavlov's dog, and respond in a different way, once you become aware.

I've read that the BPD abusive patterns follow pretty much exactly the script that a cult would use for brainwashing. It *is* effective. However, I don't believe that the person doing this actually read up on or planned to be abusive, controlling, or brainwash--I think that they are (usually) the person's coping mechanisms for getting through life, and usually not thought about or examined.The tough question is how do you interpret behavior which has a clear result, and benefit for the person doing it... . but they are not aware of any intention to do so?

That would be my guess as to what your partner is doing, bruceli

I agree in that this is how the cope, however, IMHO/experience I believe it is thought out and examined.  I say this because corelationally speaking, I tend to see these behaviors arise after these periods of ST/NC.  Had a pwPD once tell me that she indeed sit around all day contriving how to get even with people she felt wronged her.  I feel and believe that they are very aware of what they are doing.

[Grey Kitty]

I feel and believe that they are very aware of what they are doing.

I think it depends on the person. I've only dealt closely with one... . and I hope you haven't been in r/s with very many people with this disorder, so you have a small sample too. Either way, we are guessing.

Meanwhile... . I think maxsterling has the right question. Do YOU want to continue a r/s with somebody who behaves like this?