And the other shoe’s dropping…

[Danie14]

Yup. Just like I knew it would. I knew that this ‘nice’ wouldn’t last…couldn’t last…and we’re back to me being a horrible terrible dreadful person…silent treatment….slamming around the house…keeping me up all night…why? Well, really I have no idea. He won’t talk to me. I’m sure it’s something to do with his stomach hurting…or his head…or his back….but in reality? He wants me to ‘perform’ for him and I don’t want to. Simple as that. If he really wanted me he’d come to me…but no, it’s not about me at all…it’s about him and his needs being met.

Crazy thing, this thought entered my head last night…as he’s flopping around, shooting outta bed & slamming out the door….only to slam back in a few min’s later…if he wanted ME he’d reach for me as a woman he loves…as the woman he loves…but that’s not the case…but no, he does this crap all night and that’s supposed to make me wanna? Not hardly. We’ve talked about this for a very long time. Years in fact. The ol honey vs. vinegar thing…and as I lay there contemplating this idea it struck me: he doesn’t want love/intimacy he wants sex/release….and that can be had anywhere. It doesn’t have to be me.

Further….I’ve been thinking this whole relationship in the wrong way. Fundamentally wrong. I’ve heard before that if the good outweighs the bad then it’s not time to leave but if the bad outweighs the good then it is time to leave…now this crept into my brain…if I’m weight good vs bad then I’m already keeping score….and keeping score isn’t good for any relationship.

I didn’t even buy into that mess last night or this morning. Last night I nearly got up and left (again) but didn’t…this morning I did my thing and didn’t even talk to him…as he’s being a jerk all the way around. Now he’s using FB…to what? Get to me? Lol, it’s not about me! What’s he doing and why? Idk…but he’s being pitiful and pathetic….waaaa-waaaa poor me….and it’s old, just oh so old…but the FB thing is new…he’s never done that before.

Whatever. Keep on keeping on. I’m angry.

[Danie14]

oh... . black listed on facebook... . oh, well... . I guess people are gonna think whatever the heck they wanna think... . right? if it wasn't so sickening it'd be funny.

and here is sit pissed while he gets lots of cyber TLC from so many friends/family... . and what can I say? nothing. What can I do? nothing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Danie, I'm sorry to learn what you are going through.  As you note, the other shoe always drops and "nice" doesn't last when it comes to BPD.  Just the way it is in a BPD r/s.  Hard question is, why do you want to live that way?  I'm uncertain what you mean when you say there is "nothing" you can do.  It's true that we can't change others, only ourselves.  Yet you have a lot more choices than you might think, though some of those choices might seem frightening or overwhelming at the moment.  Lot of us here, however, have made some hard choices.  You can too!  LuckyJim

[crookedeuphoria]

LOL waaaa--waaaa poor me. That frustrates the hell out of me too. If you don't like it, change it! HA! Look at me, the hypocrite talk, right?

The sex thing rings true for me too. Last week, we hadn't seen each other for a week (because I AM going to get it this time!) and he was talking about getting together Friday night and I didn't want to but was listening to him and was considering it UNTIL he said that we would have amazing sex if we got together. And while, yes, maybe we would have (depending on how the night realistically ended up going), sex was NOT what I needed or wanted (I wanted love/intimacy). But he just didn't want to hear that. So instead, I spent the night not seeing him and being bombarded with texts about how I must be out with someone else since I wasn't answering his texts and hadn't wanted to see him.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you but please know you aren't alone.

[Danie14]

Hi Jim, thanks... . yea, I know I'm not helpless, I know I have the power to get off this crazy train, and I'm working towards that goal. With this here particular thing... . well, he has them all believing that he's really sick... . I have offered any sympathy and I guess I'm the bad guy now because of... . well, I guess because I'm not getting sucked back into that place. Because that place is always the same... . it's always me giving, giving, giving... . being understanding, compassionate, tolerant, the bigger person... . caring and getting hurt again and again.

It's a process of detaching, leaving, surviving... . and I'm stuck right in the middle someplace. It's hard to 'de-program' oneself from all the automatic... . idk, feelings? thoughts? I find myself having to actually stop and think and coach myself thru those automatic reactions... . it's hard and it takes time. I know nothing happens overnight. It seems like I just woke up to the reality... . but not really because I always knew something was off but denied and lied to myself WANTING so much for... . well, for things to get better.

I'll get better, I'll survive, Heck I'll even thrive... . someday... . but today I'm just trying to deal... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Danie, You're in a tough place, I understand.  You will thrive again.  Making a change requires effort because you have to consciously think about your actions, instead of just going along with the same old, same old.  The cycle you describe, giving until you get hurt again, is a familiar one.  Your awareness that you want to avoid getting sucked back into old patterns is the key here, in my view.  Mindfulness makes a difference!  Hang in there, LuckyJim