Sticky fix - How to send congrats on job offer

[Springle]

Hi all.

I've found myself in an odd situation and could use some advice.

I've found out through a mutual friend that my ex just got himself a new job, working at a company he has aspired to work for for a long time. My ex is a non, and so am I, but his new gf and an ex-mutual friend of ours is a pwBPD and gaslit, manipulated and eventually bullied me terribly in the aftermath of mine and my ex's break up. She played it all exactly as planned in order to ensnare my ex so she could have a new man for selfish purposes; I highly doubt she loves him and as some of you know that worries me greatly as I still care very much about my ex (our BU though emotional was amicable, it was her intrusion soon after that made it dramatic and messy).

Anyway, I am so sick of being unable to talk to him. It's so ridiculous, generally I've moved on from our BU now and just... . there's no reason for us not to be friends, we definitely wanted to be after the BU even if it took some time. We have not talked since she and him got together; it just hurt me so deeply, I was utterly broken, that was nearly a year ago now!

I want to extend an peaceful hand, and congratulate him on his new job; I really am ready, and really want to talk to him again, I hate this feeling like there's a grudge because there is not; there is NO resentment towards him. But I will never forgive her, I don't usually hold grudges but what she did to me was just vicious and has really ___ed me up emotionally and mentally in so many ways. I want NOTHING more to do with her, I want her to just disappear if I'm quite honest. As you can understand this has made it near impossible to communicate with my ex, I've had him blocked everywhere for ages but I just can't bare to unblock him because I'll see pictures of her... . with him and all the negative emotions come back. How dare she hold him back from finding someone he loves and deserves, how dare she! If we were not meant to be fine, that's the way of things but we broke up so we could each be happier and find the person right for us and this is just such injustice. I feel sad and just furious, I feel like I want to just punch walls; I've never felt such contempt for a person before and I don't like feeling this way because I never feel like this about people; it's foreign and disturbing.

Sorry I went a bit off tangent there.

Anyway I don't know what to do. I really want to reach out to him and commend him for his success and perhaps catch up. But I'm terrified she'll poke her nose in again and send me death threats and hate again, I don't want to slip back. Likewise I don't want to be exposed to anything to do with her, no pictures, no info, nothing, because it opens up old wounds and because I don't think I'll be able to hold back my impulse of telling him how nasty she is and how he needs to get away from her, because he won't believe me. He'll just think me the bitter ex  and likely never speak to me again.

I'm so unhappy with all these faux obstacles in the way of us being civil and communicative but at the same time she's just... . a monster.

Why can't they just break up, I can't believe they've nearly been together a year, how? How can he not see how cruel she is? Why will no one help him out of the FOG?

I just want all this fear and guilt to go away.  :'(

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Springle,

I'm sorry your hurting.

I see that you have 3 options:

1. Contact him and she will raise hell against you.

2. Detach from both him and her and move on to find someone who is going to love you like you deserve to be loved.

3. Don't contact him, just leave some way he could ever communicate with you if he chose too one day (like if they broke up one day and he wanted to call you. For example leave your phone number unblocked. If he ever chose to call he could. Unblocking him on FB you would see things that will hurt you.

Peace,

AO

[Springle]

I see that you have 3 options:

1. Contact him and she will raise hell against you.

2. Detach from both him and her and move on to find someone who is going to love you like you deserve to be loved.

3. Don't contact him, just leave some way he could ever communicate with you if he chose too one day (like if they broke up one day and he wanted to call you. For example leave your phone number unblocked. If he ever chose to call he could. Unblocking him on FB you would see things that will hurt you.

Hi AwakenedOne, thanks for your response. 

I would so love to be able to go with number 2, but I've tried to let go for about a year now and I just can't seem to. It's so odd how much I care about him and want him to find someone, almost more than I want to. I feel so disrupted and like there is such unfinished business, it's even been disturbing potential new relationships for me. Since the incident with her I have such paranoia and suspicion people are lying to me and spreading stories about me behind my back; I feel as though people only say things to gain something from me and nothing more. I met a lovely guy not long ago but we sadly had to call our dating because his work was becoming very intense (they had even mentioned moving him abroad) and all I could assume is that he was lying to me, hated me or possibly someone had somehow told him a false claim about me. It was awful, I may have suffered from depression and anxiety but I am not someone to be so concerned what others think about me/assume people are lying to me.

I could try the third option, I am certainly not ready to unblock him on Facebook but my Facebook must give off the illusion I never want to speak to him again . I've blocked him, deleted all content of us (pics, posts etc), all his comments. I feel very sad about it because it's like I had to erase that whole portion of my life, which was a really wonderful time, because it would remind me of him and then her and then I would have panic attacks and really bad thoughts. I also think Facebook is the most likely form of contact he would use if he did want to speak to me again, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have my number (which I have changed since), I may still have his email somewhere but I would doubt he has mine.

[Springle]

Sorry to double post but I was thinking.

I was doing a bit of research and has anyone been to see a counsellor before? Not a therapist but a private counsellor or psychotherapist? Be good to hear if you are in the UK especially.

I'm wondering if it would be beneficial to have a few sessions with one to try and work through these horrid feelings. Perhaps let go or at least attend to the damage from abuse; the PSTD type of symptoms.

[AwakenedOne]

I would so love to be able to go with number 2, but I've tried to let go for about a year now and I just can't seem to.

Your wishing you could have closure at least with him and you find it hard to trust people now because of your past experience of being lied to and manipulated.

It's just a matter of time till your real prince comes along, right? That's something to look forward to. Maybe all this stuff we go through in life is just to learn lessons for future use.

I read some of your older posts. Yeah your ex BPD friend seems like a very twisted individual. I bet out of this situation at least your glad you never have to see her again. Your ex bf, unfortunately is going to just have to learn who he's with the hard way and sort things out. Whatever guy that ends up with my ex I feel sorry for him. He is in for a life of hell and misery.