How to explain PTSD to partner (note, partner does not have BPD)

[Randi Kreger]

I have PTSD. from Lawson's Witch mother. Husband knows that but he believes he deserves to yell when he has to vent. He has yelled at me in a major way three times in past week only to agree later that I didn't do anything wrong; He was assuming something or in a bad mood or whatever. In couples therapy we have talked about the importance of not triggering me. He does it anyway and ruins entire weeks for me and chunks away our emotional ties. I don't know how to explain what it does to me. Drives me into child mode and I feel terror. He doesn't get it. What to do?

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[Contradancer]

  fellow PTSD sufferer.

He needs to get a grip and own his own stuff. Yelling says he's out of control of himself. It doesn't solve anything.

My sweetheart sometimes gets in a "mode" that isn't personal towards me, but I take it personally because of my own BPD Queen Witch Mother. I've learned to stand my ground by calmly disengaging (boundary=no yelling or interrupting me when I say it's too upsetting for me). Later, frequently the next day, I'll diplomatically mention how upset he was and that I'd like to know what sparked the vent. He always apologizes and then calmly tells me.

Best wishes on this. I do understand your feelings. It doesn't really matter if he understands it, but that he cares enough for your well-being to exercise better self-control.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Randi,

I have suffered from PTSD also, and I understand how a trigger can send you back into child mode. I can especially see how being exposed to yelling would be difficult for someone who had a Witch-type mother. I think most of us here with a personality-disordered parent feel the same reaction when we are around someone who is yelling. It reminds us of the terrorizing fear of being annihilated by our parent. Not fun.

What I hear in your story is that you and your husband have different values. He values his right to yell whenever he wants, and you value your right to feel safe. These values are at odds. If I remember correctly from your book, you had an ex with BPD, is that right? Have you considered that perhaps you have chosen another partner with limited empathy and emotional regulation skills? Many of us with a PD'd parent choose partners with similar characteristics. Could this be true for you?

From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband does not care that his behavior is upsetting you and does not see a need to alter it. If that is the case, explaining PTSD to him is not likely to wake him up to the fact that your needs are real or convince him to change his behavior. Based on your post, I have doubts that he will be able to recognize your needs, no matter how well they are explained to him. Perhaps there is more to the story or I have misunderstood something, but that is what I am sensing from your post.

You may not be able to change your husband or control what he thinks or does--you can't make him stop yelling--but you do still have control over yourself. I realize you literally wrote the book on this stuff  , still sometimes it helps to take an assessment of the situation to see what you might need to change. What do you usually do when he yells? How are you taking care of your boundaries?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hello Randi   

I have had it explained to me by a rager uBPD'd but probably more NPD'd significant other that he is entitled to his opinion - but what he calls his opinion is usually a racist rant, a horrific sudden explosion if some sort of machine or tool fails him - really anything that doesn't personally include or involve me but I am supposed to be on hand, stick around, for the storm.

When I literally get up and leave (we do not live together never will) and head out, then I'm jumped verbally for what doesn't "suit" me.

Telling him later that it triggers me  inside and that nothing is going to make me feel like a scared little girl ever again if I can help it gets me nowhere. Even with a cooler head, and even halfway agreeing time and again that he "blew" it and I "deserve better," he totally reserves the right - he is entitled to - filthy screaming throwing rages.

I can leave if I want to. I own my home, he does not have a key. The only vehicles he drives make enough noise you can hear him coming a mile away .

So I have a place to go. I am so sorry you are beleaguered by your husband's abusive language and behavior. Is there a part of the house you can retreat to? is there another part of your property like a garage apartment you can catch your breath in when this happens?

My thought is - no one but NO ONE will inflict that type of fear into me again. I do not have to stand there and take it. I will not explain ever again how I am worthy of decent language, thoughtful conduct.

My best to you. I am sorry you are being hurt. 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Randi,

I'm sorry that you are going through this situation It feels worse when someone close refuses to take us seriously that their actions are causing us distress. After all, our expectations of them are higher and we trust that they have our safety and well being as priorities.

I think that people who have not been traumatised find it very difficult to understand the paralysis and transportation back in time that in can prompt.

No doubt you have some coping mechanisms in place - are you are able to access them in crisis?

Being triggered by a loved one is twice as confusing as a stranger or a scenario as there's the sense of loss of trust like "Hey! You are supposed to be caring for me not scaring me!" Maybe that's an aspect of your reaction? Not just being put back in your traumatised mode but by being put back there by your SO's actions? It may be worthwhile if you can separate up the two reactions and examine them separately and work out a response to each.

As you well know, it is impossible to govern other people's behaviour although we do hope to influence it.

I have found it useful to go through with my partner (who isn't really buying that I have a problem btw!) some scenarios where he might relate somewhat to the sensations I have at times.

Like he doesn't 'get' fearful reactions because he isn't scared by the same things I am, but he does 'get' grief from surviving his mother's awful battle with cancer. When I relay that my sensations are similar to those he makes some headway in understanding. Ironic really - my empathising with him in order to try and influence his behaviour to stop from triggering me!

Anyway I hope you are able to live and breathe for one more moment at a time till your peace returns after these episodes. I know it must be disheartening at times but  it will pass. Good on you for fighting the fine fight and still looking for better things.

Z

[Randi Kreger]

I did not have a partner with BPD, so did not repeat.He ended up apologizing three days for three things he did. hE knew it was wrong, one especially when he yelled at me for putting the new paper towels where they go, downstairs,. HE WAs frustrated when he couldn't find it with goop all over his hands. If I had known that was the situation I would have understood. But I was in another room. Damed if you put the groceries away and damned if u didn'tThe other times he also apologied after I wrote down the argument word for word and he had no idea why he got upset.He doesn't understand one or two blowups can make me miserable for a month and binge eat. I have told him. But he goes back after the same way in a month or two. He doesn't yell any more than normal. But he HATES to be wrong and will twist thing with an almost BPD like capacity to make him look like the good one and me the helpless nut. I know what to do. I wrote the books. But when PTSD rolls around u can't really tell the past from the present.Does anyone have a good explanation for what PTSD does to us? I think if he really understood he would change. I will be gone two weeks starting tomorrow. Thanks.

[Skip]

I might approach it like a value/boundaries conversation.  When things are stable and its a good time to talk, sit down, explain the problem, and problem solve together.

I also like this video for people that are caught in a cycle where they are being triggered by each other.  The idea is to identify the common household triggers and pre-script better responses for when they happen.

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html

Or get him this towel dispenser, to remind him how you feel.  



Helping a loved one with PTSD

   Be patient and understanding. Getting better takes time, even when a person is committed to treatment for PTSD. Be patient with the pace of recovery and offer a sympathetic ear. A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event over and over again. This is part of the healing process, so avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past and move on.

   Try to anticipate and prepare for PTSD triggers. Common triggers include anniversary dates; people or places associated with the trauma; and certain sights, sounds, or smells. If you are aware of what triggers may cause an upsetting reaction, you’ll be in a better position to offer your support and help your loved one calm down.

   :)on’t take the symptoms of PTSD personally. Common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) include emotional numbness, anger, and withdrawal. If your loved one seems distant, irritable, or closed off, remember that this may not have anything to do with you or your relationship.

   :)on’t pressure your loved one into talking. It is very difficult for people with PTSD to talk about their traumatic experiences. For some, it can even make things worse. Never try to force your loved one to open up. Let the person know, however, that you’re there when and if he or she wants to talk.



www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

[P.F.Change]

The tools Skip shared are good. I agree that values and boundaries are playing a major role in this ongoing conflict.

He doesn't understand one or two blowups can make me miserable for a month and binge eat. I have told him. But he goes back after the same way in a month or two.

I have been there, and I know how automatic the reaction can be, so I promise I'm not trying to minimize what you are feeling when I say this. Your husband's blowups may make you feel miserable, but they don't make you binge eat. Binge eating is what you do to cope with feeling miserable. He can't control whether you binge eat or not, so maybe that makes the argument feel irrelevant to him? I don't know. Maybe framing your requests in terms of what he can control might make more sense. Have you already tried, "When you ____, I feel ____" statements? Has he ever shown any interest in supporting your recovery?

Another way to look at this, beyond "he keeps going back after the same way in a month or two" is, "I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting things to be different." You want him to change. He doesn't change. You explain why he should change. He stays the same. Is the problem here that he doesn't change, or that you keep thinking he will? Just a thought.

Even if you are able to convince your husband to never yell again, there are still going to be things in life that trigger you. It might make sense to work on the root of the problem you are experiencing. Have you ever sought treatment specifically for your PTSD? I found a therapist trained in EMDR and did that for mine, and it made a tremendous difference. Here is what we have about EMDR: EMDR and PTSD

I know what to do. I wrote the books. But when PTSD rolls around u can't really tell the past from the present.

Yes, PTSD can cause immediate and reflexive stress reactions, and it can feel just like it did when we were experiencing the original trauma. The moment you are feeling triggered might not be the time to try to run through DEARMAN--that can wait for a calmer time.   However there are still things you may be able to do in the moment to look after yourself--such as excuse yourself to a quiet room, do some deep breathing, go for a run, etc. Not sure if you have seen this workshop, but it might have something that will be useful to you: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind Are you able to take a break when you feel triggered?

Does anyone have a good explanation for what PTSD does to us? I think if he really understood he would change.

Even though to me that sounds like wishful thinking, if you really want to try finding another way to explain it to him, maybe that would still be helpful for you. Have you sat down with pen and paper and thought about exactly how you feel when you are experiencing a PTSD reaction? What happens to your body? What emotions are you feeling? What thoughts run through your head? Bringing awareness to what is going on in your body, emotions, and thoughts can help a lot.

For instance, at times when I have felt triggered, my physical reactions were things like rapid heartbeat, upset intestines, shivering and feeling cold. Emotionally, I might have felt afraid, ashamed, or numb. Common thoughts included, "I am going to get in trouble," "They are going to hurt me," and, "I cannot escape." (I should note that EMDR helped me get to those thoughts--before treatment, I was really only able to notice the physical; I didn't understand why sometimes I felt like I needed to go to bed for 3 days when I heard the phone ring.)

Another strategy you might try would be to ask him how he feels or what physical reactions he experiences when he is experiencing a PTSD reaction:

My husband developed PTSD from waking up and seeing the garage on fire. It burned all the wires around the neighborhood for blocks.

Maybe he will say something that you can relate your experience to, so that he can see the point of comparison.

Finally, we have a thread about PTSD that might have some of the kinds of descriptions you are looking for. What is PTSD and how do you define "trigger"?

I hope that helps some, and will look forward to seeing your thoughts when you get back.

[thicker skin]

My best friend gave me a valuable tool to use... .

Maybe, when you're both calm and centred, you could quietly discuss your feelings and what triggers them. Explain your experience safely and openly with him, with as little blame as possible. Give your conversation a name and agree that the next time you feel 'it' rising, you'll just have to say the name/word and you'll both be on the same page.

It helped me x

[wilsonian]

I agree with thicker... . Even though my wife has BPD she also suffers from PTSD which is very severe due to allot of abuse from her X... . Being on the other end before I knew about these two things she was dealing with daily I made the mistake even in a civil disagreement I found she shut down and went into a self protect child mode... . I cant say that we are around or found a solution totally for dealing with the PTSD but her communicating to me in detail of what actually happens and what she feels gave me a total understanding of my own boundaries that I need to stay in not to trigger it... Now the BPD is a daily work in progress but like in 1 Corinthianss 13:4-7 I love her and this passage was part of my wedding vows to her... .