In desperate need of encouragement today

[crushed_to_pieces]

Today was the day I'd been dreaming of my whole life. The day that I had envisioned and planned every detail. The day that would instantly change the rest of my life. Today was supposed to be my wedding day.

Having done everything backwards in my younger years, I had started to believe that this day would never come for me. I had both my boys at a very young age, eloped, and was divorced by the time I was 22. Not an ideal background, by any means. The weight of my mistakes took its toll on me, and I was left feeling unworthy of ever finding true love.

Over the next 13 years my focus was on raising my two boys on my own and working full time to support our little family. This left little time for dating or anything else. I was very lonely at times, but my faith sustained me and I found happiness in my kids. I come from a big family, and thankfully we are all very close, so they were there to lean on when my loneliness felt unbearable at times.

In the beginning of 2013, one of my little brothers died unexpectedly. As you can imagine, this devastated my family, and turned our lives upside down. In the aftermath, I was left feeling very vulnerable and my perspective had changed greatly. I found myself looking at life as a big clock ticking away... . My loneliness was palpable and since my boys were now grown, I felt the need and desire to find someone to share my life with.

Since I don't venture out of my house much, I finally decided to give online dating a try after years of shunning away from it. The very first day, I met a man... . He would turn out to be the only one I would end up meeting through this online dating site, and I ended up shutting down my profile down within a week.

The first time I met this man in person, I was intrigued by his seemingly shy and genuine presence. He came across as warm, humble and intelligent. He talked about his faith in God and his closeness with his family which he knew, from conversations that we'd had online prior to our date, were two things that were very close to my heart. After I'd got home from our first date, he texted me telling me how impressed he was, how much he liked me and how he couldn't wait to see me again. I had forgot how good it felt to be adored like that, and I was completely taken by him.

Things progressed very quickly with us and as the days, weeks and months passed by, we were head over heels in love. We had shared our dreams, desires and secrets. He was not only my love, but my very best friend. Although there were red flags that I chose to ignore, I was certain in my mind that this was the man that I had been waiting for all my life. He was the man I'd prayed for all these years.

Four months into our relationship, he proposed on live TV. He worked in radio and had a lot of connections, so he was able to pull this off on such a big, public platform. At the time I felt so grateful to be able to have all this caught on tape so we could relive that moment over and over for years to come. Now, those clips haunt me.

I was finally planning the wedding I always wanted. Like I mentioned before, I had eloped at 19, so I never had a chance to enjoy the wedding planning process the way most people do. Shopping for my wedding dress was a very special day. I was surrounded by my mom, sister, sister-in-laws, friends, neices and my soon-to-be step daughter. It was a magical day and I had found the dress of my dreams. We had selected a beautiful wedding venue that was the perfect back drop for our shabby-chic themed wedding. I was meeting with vendors constantly and my fiance and I were having fun putting together the soundtrack for our day, as well as coming up with other unique details to personalize our special day.

However, no too long after we became engaged, things started to shift with my fiance. There were changes with him that started to grow more and more concerning. Although there were those red flags early on, I figured you take the bad with the good in any relationship, and I blindly ignored some of those signs. I was quietly torn between the happiness of planning our wedding day and our life together while at the same time, growing more and more fearful of his behavior.

At the end of February, 4 months before our wedding, he blind-sided me by publicly ending our relationship on Facebook. It was only a couple days before that we had spent the weekend bowling, going to the zoo and to the movies together as a family. I was in complete and utter shock and couldn't believe what was happening. Our save-the-date cards had already gone out, so all our guests had to be notified. The venue and all the vendors needed to be cancelled, along with my appointments for hair and make-up trial, dress-fitting, etc. And no matter how many times I “unsubscribed” to those wedding emails, they still continue to flood my inbox to this day.

When he abandoned our relationship - it destroyed everything inside of me. I feel severely damaged... . and in all honesty, a part of me was forever changed as a result.

In my state of desperation and because of the depth of my love for him, I was willing to do whatever it took to work it out, even after I had been crushed to pieces. I made myself available to him each time he reached out….It was because I loved him and cared for him beyond what I can explain. He was the man I was going to marry and I couldn't see myself turning my back on that, even if that's what he had done to me. But every time I let him back in, he would prove just how little he truly cared about me or saving “us”. He only contacted me when he needed an ego boost, and I began to hear rumors of him being intimate with other girls. That tore my heart to shreds. I sent him an email telling him how much I loved him, but that I couldn’t go on being used and if he truly wanted things to work out, then we needed to go to counseling immediately.

I didn’t hear back from him till the beginning of this week. His email was short, cold and simply asked for the engagement ring back. This was a dagger through my heart. He waited until the week we were supposed to be married to ask for it back. He ended our relationship at the end of February, and he waited until the week of our wedding date, to ask for it back. He also knew it was my late brother’s birthday on the day he sent the email. His cruelty is beyond anything I can comprehend.

I emailed back and told him I was sick inside that he would even ask…especially this week. His response was even uglier and more mean than his first email, saying he will go through the proper legal channels to get it back.

My heart has been slowing dying inside for months since he ended things. I lost the man that I thought would be my husband and his sweet little girl that was like the daughter I never had. I was so stupid to think that he would be hurting just as much this week. Instead, it seems like he’s already moved on and wants to forget he even knew me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I pray around the clock, but my heart and soul feel so broken. I needed to let this out today. I should be waking up this morning, getting ready for my wedding, and instead I’m crying as I write out my sad story. I can’t believe things turned out this way….

[seeking balance]

I can’t believe things turned out this way….

I am so sorry you are hurting ctp 

I can remember feeling this way too, shock and disbelief.  As much as it hurts now, it really won't be this way forever.  This day will pass, it really will.

These relationships come into our lives many times when we are most vulnerable, therefore our attachment is "amplified".  When it ends, the pain is "amplified" as well.

Do you have friends or something you can do today that will get you out of the house and distract your mind a bit today?

Peace,

SB

[woodsposse]

 

I, too, am sorry you are going through a rough time.  With all that has happened to you and the timing of everything, I can certainly understand how amplified things are.  I do agree with what was said that

These relationships come into our lives many times when we are most vulnerable, therefore our attachment is "amplified".  When it ends, the pain is "amplified" as well.

But, just because it is amplified doesn't make it any less real or hurtful.  I have been there more times than I care to remember - and, after coming here and understand a lot (and especially after a lot of self reflection) it has gotten easier.

So that is to say this - please know you are not alone.

[razemarie]

I too was engaged to be married to my uBPDexBF when he called off the wedding four months before the big day.  To top it off I was pregnant.  It was a devastating time.  I know the hurt and pain that you are dealing with and my heart goes out to you.  Just try to have faith that this happened for a reason.  I walked the path you are on three years ago.  We recycled twice since then and each time it ended worse than the time before.  I have since ended the r/s and we only have limited contact because of our child.  I count my blessings every day that I did not get what I thought I wanted/needed at the time.  I hope the same for you.

[razemarie]

I also know the added pain of losing the relationship you had with his daughter.  My ex has two daughters that I loved (still love).  I thought of them like they were my own.  Honestly that has been the hardest part for me.  Losing them.  I still keep in touch but it isn't the same.  Try to do something nice for yourself today.  Get a message, go for a long walk, read a book, drink some tea.  Take care of YOU.

[Red Sky]

I'm very sorry that you're going through so much. There's not much I can say that the others haven't already said... . Post as much as you need to because there's always someone here who will listen and sympathise.

Remember, with time this WILL get better and you WILL get through it!  

[HealingSpirit]

Oh My Dear Crushed-to-Pieces!

I'm a newbie here and your story made me cry too.  (I just wrote a long response to you on my iPad, and it went somewhere out into the virtual world, so I don't know if it went through to you.  So, I'm trying again on my regular computer.)

I'd say, given the circumstances, you are grieving, big time, and you NEED to grieve.  So, please be gentle with yourself today!  Stay in your pajamas, eat chocolate, have a good cry (or three), take a long bubble bath, watch sad movies, or do whatever gives you comfort today.  It is okay to be sad when sad stuff happens.  Our society doesn't really know how to grieve and everyone grieves differently.  And every day is different too, while you're going through it.  Can you have one of your wonderful family come over to be with you?  Or a good friend?

I'm not suggesting you dwell on your sadness, or stay home finding more reasons to be on the "pity pot."  But I've noticed in my life that when I'm sad and I just allow myself to BE sad fully, the feeling eventually passes.  No one can cry nonstop forever.  

From what you've described, I think the real blessing is that you saw the red flags about him, so you already have the intelligence and instincts to NEVER have this happen again! I hope that someday (soon) you can heal your pain and get to a place where you know you are better off NOT being married to such a man.  And as horribly painful as it is today, you ARE better off without him.  Had you gotten married, you would have signed up for WAY more drama and pain than you are having today.

So, have your grief, and let it pass through you.  It is very hard, but it won't last forever.

My heart goes out to you with a box of tissues and a big, warm HUG!

[newlife3]

The "blind siding" that usually occurs with these r/s are TRAUMATIZING and leave most with depression and PTSD...

Please find professional supports for yourself like a therapist, or your family doctor.

You are not at fault for his disorder. Your vulnerability factors ie: not having a r/s for a long time prior to this r/s are irrelevant as wanting  an attachment and a relationship is a NORMAL human need. People with personality disorders are skilled at hiding their disorder from others, even professionals like psychiatrists, etc...

[LettingGo14]

I don’t know where to go from here. I pray around the clock, but my heart and soul feel so broken. I needed to let this out today. I should be waking up this morning, getting ready for my wedding, and instead I’m crying as I write out my sad story. I can’t believe things turned out this way….

You write so poignantly, and with such genuine emotion, ctp.   I am so sorry you feel the crushing weight of heartbreak.   I wish I had words to give you some relief.   I wish I had answers.   All I can offer are thoughts:

(1) We all tend to take our pain so personally.   I know I do.  One thing I try to do when I feel deep pain like this is to imagine breathing in the pain of others, and breathing out relief to them.  The Buddhists call this practice "tonglen" and it is described here:  www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php

(2) At some point, we stop identifying with the pain and we no longer let it define us.  It becomes something that happened -- but it loses its radioactivity.   I have spent a great deal of time working with the idea that all answers are within me -- meaning, I can de-sensitize my reactions to what happened.

We're here for you.  This will not define you, I'm sure of it.

[HazelJade]

oh God, what you are experiencing is SO hard to endure. Their behaviour can truly and really crush to pieces a human heart. There is no rational explanation to justify all this, it's just sick, as you say.

I went through very similar motions, dumped in the blink of an eye, replaced, then stalked by the replacement for years. I really don't know how I found the strength to survive and keep my cool, but you will find it too. All I can tell you is nobody, nobody can understand a pain like this. Be kind to yourself as you would be with somebody hit by a truck in the middle of the road. Know that people here are thinking of you, for real, sending you strength. Til the day you will feel very lucky, cause the truck is speeding towards an abyss and you were spared the rest of the ride.

many, many blessings

you are not alone here

[corraline]

crushed

I'm so sorry for all of your pain.  I am holding you in my heart.

Please take the very best care of yourself today.

[HazelJade]

I don’t know where to go from here. I pray around the clock, but my heart and soul feel so broken. I needed to let this out today. I should be waking up this morning, getting ready for my wedding, and instead I’m crying as I write out my sad story. I can’t believe things turned out this way….

You write so poignantly, and with such genuine emotion, ctp.   I am so sorry you feel the crushing weight of heartbreak.   I wish I had words to give you some relief.   I wish I had answers.   All I can offer are thoughts:

(1) We all tend to take our pain so personally.   I know I do.  One thing I try to do when I feel deep pain like this is to imagine breathing in the pain of others, and breathing out relief to them.  The Buddhists call this practice "tonglen" and it is described here:  www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php

(2) At some point, we stop identifying with the pain and we no longer let it define us.  It becomes something that happened -- but it loses its radioactivity.   I have spent a great deal of time working with the idea that all answers are within me -- meaning, I can de-sensitize my reactions to what happened.

We're here for you.  This will not define you, I'm sure of it.

LettingGo, yours is a wonderful post. And the link you posted is precious. Thank you for this.

[crushed_to_pieces]

Thank you ALL so so much for your support and encouragement. Reading each one of your responses touched my heart deeply. I'm still struggling to get through the rest of this day, but your loving words give me the strength to see it through.

I am truly grateful for each of you. Thank you for sharing in my pain, and for opening your hearts to me.

This community is truly a blessing in my life. Most outsiders (family and friends) can't understand the extent of damage and destruction that our exBPDs leave in in their wake. So hearing all of your raw emotion and parallel stories of pain are very therapeutic for me.

Thank you so very much - I pray not only for healing for myself, but for each of you, as well.

[HazelJade]

CTP I just wanted to let you know you've been in my thoughts today.

How are you feeling?

[Tausk]

CTP:  I'm sorry for your suffering.  I still feel the pain.  Three years ago yesterday my ex and I were talking about our future.  Last month I found out she had married the guy she cheated on me with.

But I'm not sorry for you and me not getting married to the Disorder.  It was never anything good, productive or real.  It was only about feeding the endless emotional garbage disposal of the Disorder.  It was about destruction, pain, insecurity, abuse... . in essence the Disorder.   Read about people who got married to the Disorder.  Read about people who are still married to the Disorder.

Life is short.  I do my best to learn and accept, feel the pain, feel compassion for myself, but also do my best to see the truth in the lie that my interaction was from the start.  It was never real and it never had a chance for love and happiness.

The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder is more powerful than me.  The Disorder always wins.

But we can walk away and find joy, become stronger, and be free from the Disorder.  That is the our blessing.  For our exes... . no such option exists.  All they can do is spiral downward into isolated oblivion.

I feel your pain but am actually happy for your outcome as well as mine. 

When you're ready, maybe you'll change your name to Rebuilding the Pieces into Something Better 

In support

T

[crookedeuphoria]

The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder is more powerful than me.  The Disorder always wins.

But we can walk away and find joy, become stronger, and be free from the Disorder.    

Wow. Those are such powerful, truthful words.