How do I really know its not me?

[mace17]

I realize this is the type of crazy-making that BPD's try to cause, but I keep wondering how one can really tell if they are perceiving things correctly or not?  For example, if you've read some of my posts, every time I try to discuss anything about our marriage with my H, it always ends up being my fault somehow.  The other night, he fell asleep when he came home from work and slept til 9pm.  Then he had trouble sleeping when he went to bed that night.  He told me I shouldn't have let him sleep that long and should have woke him up.  I didn't try to be extra quiet, just went about my business as normal, but I didn't try to wake him up either. 

I did try some of the validation techniques I've learned here, saying I understood he was frustrated that he couldn't sleep that night.  He said he expects me to wake him up if he's been sleeping for more than an hour or 2, and not let him sleep past 7pm.  I feel that he is an adult, and I shouldn't have to keep track of how long he sleeps and when to wake him up. 

There have been other examples, like when he said he sneaks into the garage to smoke pot because I always tell him how to think about everything and make him miserable.  so what I'm wondering is how can you tell if you are the crazy one for sure or not? Maybe I am being a lousy wife and it is my fault.  It's all a matter of perception.  I am a damaged person too, been in several abusinve relatioships and was abused as a child.  I don't know if I am reacting in a "normal" way or if it is him who is ot reacting "normally".  This is the reason I was going to a therapist, but H put a stop to that.

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[Littleleft]

Hi mace

I'm afraid I don't have the answer to your question, but I'm very interested to hear what others have to say!

I feel exactly the same as you, my SO blames me a lot for pretty much everything.  Through going to al-anon and reading this website I realise I need to work on myself as my effort  to improve things, but his constant criticism and blaming has left me unsure of what's really something that I do and need to work on, and what's actually just part of his dysregulation.

Is there any way you could go back to seeing a therapist? Even without him knowing?  Is you H diagnosed and getting any treatment?

[mace17]

Thank you, littleleft! It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way and questions reality. No, my H is not diagnosed, he doesn't believe in counseling at all and refuses to even go to marriage counseling. I came across this site after being on another forum, and it all seems to fit. But I always question which one of us is really the one with the distorted reality.

[formflier]

It's not just you!

Most likely it is a combination of both.  Let me explain... . most people that are attracted to a pwBPD have some sort of dependency issue (very broad term... . I'm still trying to figure out mine)... . that pulled them in... . in the first place.  In other words... . the issues in the r/s are not just the pwBPD.

I would argue that most of the issues come from the pwBPD. 

However... . they are the least likely to change... . for instance... . your hubby refusing counseling.

So... . you are now in a frustrating situation where there person that brings the least "issues" is expected to do the "majority" of the changing.

That's not fair... . but... . if you want to continue in the r/s... . that is what you need to be prepared for.

My reaction to your situation is that unless your hubby was very specific about when he wanted to be woken up... . it's on him to regulate his sleep.

I would hope you are compassionate to him about his making a booboo... . validate his feelings about having hard time sleeping... . etc etc.

Hope this helps.

I hope you are finding these boards as big a lifesaver as I have... . hang in there... . keep coming back!   

Thank you, littleleft! It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way and questions reality. No, my H is not diagnosed, he doesn't believe in counseling at all and refuses to even go to marriage counseling. I came across this site after being on another forum, and it all seems to fit. But I always question which one of us is really the one with the distorted reality.

[InSearchofMe]

mace17,

I know only too well the 'you are responsible for my sleeping and waking up!'  This drove me bonkers.  My reaction was a bit more snotty and resentful than yours.  Mine was 'you're are an adult, what is freakin' wrong with you that you think I am your Mommy?  Gack!  This is the 21st century we have these things called alarm clocks and they are every where.  On your watch, your computer, your phone, on dresser in our bedroom, learn to use one they're an amazing invention.  For crying out loud GROW UP!"  Of course I didn't say that out loud.  And this was going on long before I knew about BPD or validating or any of the other tools.  At first I would argue with him about it.  That did nothing but cause a fight.

What worked for me on this when he said you need to wake me up, monitor how long I sleep, etc I responded calmly with 'you should set your alarm.' And then stopped discussing it. I did not even respond to what he said I should do.  By even responding to that, I think it was validating the invalid.  As far as how do you know 'it's not me', keep using the lessons here and working on yourself.  It will help you get a clearer picture of what are your issues and what are his issues.  I know it is hard to see this when you have been living in the FOG for so long.

Hang in there, and keep coming back here and asking for others perspectives on things that happen.  I know it helps me.

[maxsterling]

Hi, Mace.  We all have issues.  We all can stand to work on ourselves.  None of us are perfect.  But that doesn't mean we are the culprit in all situations.  

These BPD relationships tend to test our reality.  pwBPD are excellent and figuring out how to make their problems our problems, and our kind hearts somehow interpret that as us not doing enough.  pwBPD seem to be excellent at finding our insecurities and exploiting them. Me?  I'm quite ADD, shy, and quiet, and always have been. GF interprets that as a "lack of communication skills" on my part, makes fun of me, and makes me feel ashamed of my behavior.  But you know what?  She's 38, never had a healthy relationship, and she has had plenty of them.  So how could it be me causing all her problems?

Think objectively about the sleep thing again.  I say this because I have been accused of the same thing - she is irritable because she overslept, and she overslept because I did not wake her.  She will go so far as to say that she asked me to help her wake up and I didn't.  The reality?  I did wake her up, she fell back asleep.  What was I supposed to do, pour cold water on her?  Your H is an adult.  It's not your job to regulate his sleep no more than it was his mothers when he was 15.  

[mace17]

I did try to communicate that, of course his excuse was that he didn't mean to fall asleep so he couldn't have set an alarm. Plus the reason he got bored and fell asleep was because I forgot to bring our son's iPad in from the car so he couldn't play with it to stay awake. I did try to find out what exactly he expected of me, now I have to decide if that's something I can live with or if I need to draw a boundary there.

[formflier]

I did try to communicate that, of course his excuse was that he didn't mean to fall asleep so he couldn't have set an alarm. Plus the reason he got bored and fell asleep was because I forgot to bring our son's iPad in from the car so he couldn't play with it to stay awake. I did try to find out what exactly he expected of me, now I have to decide if that's something I can live with or if I need to draw a boundary there.

Don't spend too much time trying to find out "exactly" what is expected of you... . from personal experience... . pwBPD will move the goalpost.

I can't count how many unproductive hours I have spent "proving" that I have done exactly what was asked... . I mean exactly... . and somehow I was supposed to know that she changed her mind.

 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I did try to communicate that, of course his excuse was that he didn't mean to fall asleep so he couldn't have set an alarm. Plus the reason he got bored and fell asleep was because I forgot to bring our son's iPad in from the car so he couldn't play with it to stay awake. I did try to find out what exactly he expected of me, now I have to decide if that's something I can live with or if I need to draw a boundary there.

My name says it all... . I wondered if it was me also.  After a lot of reading, while I may have my own issues my uBPDw's need for constant affirmation, lack of object permanence and a few others have convinced me that most of it is her BPD (having her brother tell me she's nuts also helped determine it ain't me  )

[waverider]

Are you acting normal? Probably not, no one can remain "normal" in a dysfunctional relationship. Our reactions are affected by those we are dealing with. Abnormal situations trigger abnormal reactions.

Even when we learn to react in a more healthy way, it is still not "normal", if you use typical for a functional RS as a benchmark for normal.

Think of it as are you reacting understandable? Is there any way you could react that would provide a more favorable outcome? Note a more favorable outcome does not necessarily mean the one the pwBPD may want, even if they know what they want.

Important consideration is to trust in your own beliefs and truths. Do not attempt to convince/sell your realities to you partner, they have their own reality.

[mace17]

That is a good point, I guess I do tend to judge "normal" by what I would do, or what a reasonable person would do. If I fall asleep and sleep too long, it's my own fault and I wouldn't think of blaming someone else for it. If I feel sleepy and I think there's a chance I'll fall asleep and I know I need to do other stuff, I'll set a quick alarm on my phone so I don't sleep too long. Usually my sense of responsibility wakes me up after a short time though, if I sleep the kid doesn't get fed, the dog doesn't get let out, and I have to deal with the consequences when I do wake up. So I have kind of an internal alarm I guess that never let's me relax too long. I guess I need to stop thinking like a "normal" person when dealing with H.

[mace17]

On another interesting note, while spending time with my 2 stepdaughters yesterday, I noticed that the younger one is exactly the same way as her dad. She can make a little stabbing comment with a smile and a laugh, and makes you wonder how she really meant it. It sounds negative, but the way she says it makes you question your initial perception. So familiar after dealing with her dad.  The older daughter noticed the same thing, and she is not that way at all. So it makes me feel a little more sane I guess.

[waverider]

On another interesting note, while spending time with my 2 stepdaughters yesterday, I noticed that the younger one is exactly the same way as her dad. She can make a little stabbing comment with a smile and a laugh, and makes you wonder how she really meant it. It sounds negative, but the way she says it makes you question your initial perception. So familiar after dealing with her dad.  The older daughter noticed the same thing, and she is not that way at all. So it makes me feel a little more sane I guess.

The thing is you noticed it, so you must not think the same way, you have a different way of seeing the world and the way you believe should act. That is your reality. Is it "normal'? Does it matter? It is a conscious choice you are happy with, thats all that matters.

To observe how things are around you and make a choice how to act, is most important. As opposed to just reacting to your environment by default of not knowing any different, which is not by an informed choice. You are in control of your reality, not a servant of it.