I don't want to abandon her. I know we can't be together with her illness unaddressed.
JT, i've read some of your posts and can empathize with much of your pain. The road to "radical acceptance" (please look this up if you are unfamiliar with the term) is a long and turbulent one. So there will be a lot of back and forth thinking. It's normal to sway back and forth, yet important to keep realigning yourself to the truth.
Regarding your statement above about abandoning her--I don't believe you can abandon her now. Your r/s is over and she has moved on and is with another man. I believe in actuality that she has abandoned you and the pain you are feeling comes from this.
I think of her all the time, and lately I've just been feeling bad for her. I don't even care that she's with another ex. I don't really care about all the horrible shti she's done to me. I know that she's ill. I always knew and I didn't trust my gut. And maybe I'm stupid to want her in my life, but I do. I want to help her.
these are dangerous thoughts. basically what you are saying is that you want her in your life, with no regard to your own health and well being. i'm not saying this isn't understandable, yet at the same time it's important to get to the root of why you would welcome someone toxic to you back into your life.
I don't think I can fix her, but I know she was closer with me than anyone else. Even with all the BPD hyperboles they tell every boyfriend they date, I know in my core that she and I shared a closer bond than anyone else. I have zero doubts about this.
while you may feel this way now, that you two share the closest bond in your lives, she probably doesn't feel the same. it's important to realize this and take steps to let go of the notion of "soul mates". pwBPD say and do the same things in pretty much all their close r/s. you mention that you were with her for 6 months but that she was with her ex before you for 2 years. that she is now back with him. trust that he's experienced everything you have and more. he could be another person on this board saying how she is *his* soul mate and they share the closest bond ever. i'm sorry to be so blunt but the soul-mate dynamic is the biggest selling point for pwBPD. the use it over and over. it's true, you shared a connection. for you it's unique. for her it's a way of life she's shared with several others/will share with many others to come in the future. if you are committed to keeping her in your life then you have to let go of the idea of being soul mates. thinking that you are her only soul mate actually shows a lack of understanding on your part of what her feelings are. sorry, but this is true.
I want to help her, and I want to offer my help by telling her that if she is willing to take on the illness, I will (as her friend) attend the meetings with her. I want her to experience real friendship and dependability. I really want her to get better.
no one will be able to stop you from doing this. i believe all of us need to try to some degree to solidify our position about the relationship before we've finally had enough. if you go this route though, i urge you to begin the work of radical acceptance of who she is by looking at her behaviors. work on detaching yourself from the notion of being a soul mate to give you the freedom to interact with her from a place of strength rather than neediness. you have us here to help you through, i know it's incredibly hard to do.
