So it's finally over...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So it's finally over. The relationship was typical of what's often mentioned here... . started great, got kind of rocky, got rockier, and eventually the ending from her was like a sucker punch out of the blue. In one breath, "I love you" in the next, a realization of lies and "I'm not seeing anyone and I didn't sleep with anyone but I'm keeping my options open" and "You and I aren't happening." The sad thing is I had dated her 4 years prior and took her back.

Like many here, I am stunned... . shocked honestly. Someone I trusted in deeply, someone I thought was a better person than that, had the audacity to lie to my face and betray me.

How can I recover? I have an appointment scheduled with a local therapist, but is there more I can do? I obviously need better boundaries... . I'm probably severely depressed... . and I never talked to anyone after my father passed away during the first time I dated her.

Can anyone point me in the right direction?

[learnandgrow]

So it's finally over. The relationship was typical of what's often mentioned here... . started great, got kind of rocky, got rockier, and eventually the ending from her was like a sucker punch out of the blue. In one breath, "I love you" in the next, a realization of lies and "I'm not seeing anyone and I didn't sleep with anyone but I'm keeping my options open" and "You and I aren't happening." The sad thing is I had dated her 4 years prior and took her back.

Like many here, I am stunned... . shocked honestly. Someone I trusted in deeply, someone I thought was a better person than that, had the audacity to lie to my face and betray me.

How can I recover? I have an appointment scheduled with a local therapist, but is there more I can do? I obviously need better boundaries... . I'm probably severely depressed... . and I never talked to anyone after my father passed away during the first time I dated her.

Can anyone point me in the right direction?

[learnandgrow]

Edit: I also have self esteem and trust issues now. Especially considering sex was withheld and used as a weapon... . despite being told it wasn't. I don't even know where to begin with recovery.

[Tired_of_this12345]

Learn, 

I can completely relate to your story.  It sounds very similar to mine.  Well I am not sure if I can help except to say I completely understand where you are coming from.   I questioned her about a guy, and it turns out she was lying during the last part of our relationship.  She was sleeping with me and saying I love you to me while dating him also.  2 months after I broke it off and went NC,  she is engaged to him.   While I am hurt,  it actually helps me to know she lied and cheated.   I feel that I can never go back so she has done me a favor.   And while I think of her all the time,  I know I can never get back with her.  So I am thankful to be away from her.  I feel happier everyday,  and I am becoming the man I was before I met her.  The place I see it most is with my daughter.   I just never had time for her while I was in that toxic r/s.   I realize I am recovering and things will continue to get better.

[learnandgrow]

Thank you for taking the time to share. I feel like I've lost the person I was before this relationship.

Learn, 

I can completely relate to your story.  It sounds very similar to mine.  Well I am not sure if I can help except to say I completely understand where you are coming from.   I questioned her about a guy, and it turns out she was lying during the last part of our relationship.  She was sleeping with me and saying I love you to me while dating him also.  2 months after I broke it off and went NC,  she is engaged to him.   While I am hurt,  it actually helps me to know she lied and cheated.   I feel that I can never go back so she has done me a favor.   And while I think of her all the time,  I know I can never get back with her.  So I am thankful to be away from her.  I feel happier everyday,  and I am becoming the man I was before I met her.  The place I see it most is with my daughter.   I just never had time for her while I was in that toxic r/s.   I realize I am recovering and things will continue to get better.

[Split black]

Thank you for taking the time to share. I feel like I've lost the person I was before this relationship.

Learn, 

I can completely relate to your story.  It sounds very similar to mine.  Well I am not sure if I can help except to say I completely understand where you are coming from.   I questioned her about a guy, and it turns out she was lying during the last part of our relationship.  She was sleeping with me and saying I love you to me while dating him also.  2 months after I broke it off and went NC,  she is engaged to him.   While I am hurt,  it actually helps me to know she lied and cheated.   I feel that I can never go back so she has done me a favor.   And while I think of her all the time,  I know I can never get back with her.  So I am thankful to be away from her.  I feel happier everyday,  and I am becoming the man I was before I met her.  The place I see it most is with my daughter.   I just never had time for her while I was in that toxic r/s.   I realize I am recovering and things will continue to get better.

Your story is almost the same as everyone's... .   they are truly unreal. You will have to grind thru this but you will get there. They key is detachment... . the sooner the better.

[Red Sky]

Firstly... . MASSIVE HUGS.  

On a more practical note: accepting that you need to leave is a huge step. Congratulations (or something. Not sure it's the right word.) Accepting your own role in it is another big step, and we are always told that boundaries are a common thing that we need to work on.

Saying that, at the moment be kind to yourself. It sounds like you are realizing all of the inconsistencies in your relationship... .

Edit: I also have self esteem and trust issues now. Especially considering sex was withheld and used as a weapon... . despite being told it wasn't. I don't even know where to begin with recovery.

This is gaslighting, and in my experience it is one of the most discombobulating experiences  you can have and makes you doubt your own perceptions no end. My ex did this. Withholding sex and then telling me I was abusive if I asked why he was so averse, and so on.

How do you recover? Firstly time and space. Detachment. Lots of us cut off all contact with our exes to give us the space to recover without the drama. I personally recommend it, but I don't know your circumstances and whether you have property, kids etc.

But do have faith in the fact that you can and will recover. You'll probably have good and bad days on the way but the net effect is that you get better. If you feel terrible or confused or whatever, post here... . These guys are awesome and always willing to help out and share their stories. Tell us more of yours if you want.

[Red Sky]

I also want to add that there are also certain tools that you can use to help yourself find happiness again. Things like mindfulness and radical acceptance, which you'll find discussed in more detail elsewhere on this site if you don't already know about them. The articles on here are great.

Also: yeah, the first bit is going to be hard. Do all the things you need to keep yourself from focusing on it. Stay busy. Treat yourself. A lot of us swear by exercise to improve our mood too.

[learnandgrow]

What do you all think about seeing a therapist, at least for a few visits? This relationship definitely has me depressed, but there are other things that might have

beaten me down and made me a target for her again in the first place.

I'll have to conquer this failed relationship with a BPD individual in my own way but I feel there are other factors amplifying it.

For example, I never really spoke to anyone after my father's passing. And the same BPD gf left me 26 days after he passed (the day after I spent Christmas with her family.) ironically enough, she said she was keeping her options open the day after Father's Day this time around. Real considerate. I was left a huge burden in a house I couldn't properly care for while I was in college. I was bitter at my Mother for a while after divorcing my father before he passed (I see a lot of my father in myself in that he genuinely tried everything to make it work and he was shot down.)

I guess what I'm saying is, this relationship has certainly taken it's toll on me but there might be other things lingering and affecting me I haven't duly confronted (I can't say. Maybe someone can help me determine if that's the case.) Given all of this, might it be wise

To seek professional help?

[christoff522]

What do you all think about seeing a therapist, at least for a few visits? This relationship definitely has me depressed, but there are other things that might have

beaten me down and made me a target for her again in the first place.

its a really good idea. it'll give you a chance to talk it all out and learn coping techniques.

I'll have to conquer this failed relationship with a BPD individual in my own way but I feel there are other factors amplifying it.

For example, I never really spoke to anyone after my father's passing. And the same BPD gf left me 26 days after he passed (the day after I spent Christmas with her family.) ironically enough, she said she was keeping her options open the day after Father's Day this time around. Real considerate. I was left a huge burden in a house I couldn't properly care for while I was in college. I was bitter at my Mother for a while after divorcing my father before he passed (I see a lot of my father in myself in that he genuinely tried everything to make it work and he was shot down.)

I guess what I'm saying is, this relationship has certainly taken it's toll on me but there might be other things lingering and affecting me I haven't duly confronted (I can't say. Maybe someone can help me determine if that's the case.) Given all of this, might it be wise

To seek professional help?

These are things to consider as possible triggers for the relationship. Theres a reason why you would go into a relationship with someone so toxic. Mine was low self esteem, and issues with shame due to my past. Also I was involved in certain OTT hellfire and damnation church things, had a world of negativity surrounding me, was lonely, depressed. I view her as a mirror into all of this. Now a few months later I feel much better.

Something that might make you feel better. When the relationship first started do you remember how good she made you feel? How you couldn't believe you'd met someone so wonderful and amazing? When you were thinking that, you were looking in the mirror to yourself. One amazing ability they have is to take everything good about us, and fire it back at us. You see they absorb all the good aspects of us, it gives them a sense of self. You see, I had shame, and she told me she 'loved' how truly good I was.

I would recommend thinking back to that period, and remembering the stuff she said to you there, and realise that that is probably the truest stuff she ever said.

You must get a handle on getting over 'her' before you deal with anything else however, don't rush the process. Allot some time away from dating, get some self help books (check out the recommended reading thread) and start to learn about YOU.

[Rockstar22]

What do you all think about seeing a therapist, at least for a few visits? This relationship definitely has me depressed, but there are other things that might have

beaten me down and made me a target for her again in the first place.

I'll have to conquer this failed relationship with a BPD individual in my own way but I feel there are other factors amplifying it.

For example, I never really spoke to anyone after my father's passing. And the same BPD gf left me 26 days after he passed (the day after I spent Christmas with her family.) ironically enough, she said she was keeping her options open the day after Father's Day this time around. Real considerate. I was left a huge burden in a house I couldn't properly care for while I was in college. I was bitter at my Mother for a while after divorcing my father before he passed (I see a lot of my father in myself in that he genuinely tried everything to make it work and he was shot down.)

I guess what I'm saying is, this relationship has certainly taken it's toll on me but there might be other things lingering and affecting me I haven't duly confronted (I can't say. Maybe someone can help me determine if that's the case.) Given all of this, might it be wise

To seek professional help?

This, to me, shows one of the hallmarks of BPD that I have come to know... they cannot be a supportive partner. Over a 2 year relationship, I supported my BPDex through all her pain and crying episodes of despair, forgave her after all the psycho screaming, violent episodes, took her back after she "left" several times... . only to have her leave me when various stress factors (including her!) got the better of me and I started to get really depressed. pwBPD apparently cannot deal with having to be emotionally supportive to someone else... This may have been a factor in why yours left. You apparently have to be as strong and non-emotional as the Terminator to keep everything together... . if it's even possible (or worth it at all!)

They definitely take a toll on you emotionally (and even physically health-wise) both during and after a r/s with a pwBPD.

It has been a long 2 months since mine left, but I have gotten stronger and stronger since NC/LC with her. I would say try to talk to friends and family who seem like they are supportive and understanding to your plight and definitely seek therapy if you feel the need, especially if you have no one else you can really talk to about this. Do things that improve you and make you feel better about yourself - exercise/work out, take classes, spend some time doing hobbies, get out more, meet some new friends, etc. And of course, the rule of thumb around here... Resist the urge to contact your ex or respond to communication. She will very likely just make you feel worse. Mine does every time.

Best of luck to you. Hang in there!

[Rockstar22]

Oh - wanted to add... don't take the Father's Day thing too personally. She may have not even been thinking of you in her "decision making process". Who knows what a pwBPD's true motives are? Mine contacted me on Father's Day about a completely unrelated issue (about her stuff), asked me about my son (not her child) and how we were spending the day, said "have fun", etc. but never once said "Happy Father's Day" or anything to that effect! Who can understand their motives or true intentions? They probably don't even know themselves! Don't take it personally.

[LostGhost]

Hello Learn,

I'm sorry you are having to experience all of this. Seeing the end of a relationship coming is hard but being blindsided the way pwBPD tend to do is a pain like no other. It causes us to really question who we are as individuals, our self worth, our inadequacies. We've all been there and I want to assure you... . there's nothing you could have done to prevent this. I've learned that even if you had the proper communication techniques, chances are she'd still find something to leave you over. They seem to live in their imagination and are dictated by their feelings which are factual to them.

I'm still early in the grieving process. Your story sounds similar to my scenario. You've come to the right place. The individuals on these forums are extremely wise, knowledgable and empathetic human beings. They will support you in your recovery and guide you towards the path that will be right for you. Stay strong my friend and as I've been told, the intense way we loved our partners and gave it everything we had... . the capacity within us to love someone that much was always there. It didn't manifest exclusively for our expwBPD. And it won't be diminished just because they rejected us.

I highly recommend therapy also. I see mine once a week currently. In addition to this community and educating about BPD, he has helped abolish much of the blame and guilt I burdened myself with in the beginning. Therapy will help ground you again and establish a foundation of mental clarity where you can begin healing and moving forward in your personal happiness. It will also identify why people like us are attracted to these types of individuals. We all have something in common in that regard. It's a slow process for sure. Months at least. But use this time to rediscover the amazing person that you are!

[learnandgrow]

I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for Thursday.

What threw me off the most was the sudden switch. One night, it was I love you. The next day it was "I'm keeping my options open, you and I aren't happening. Leave me alone you're annoying." Someone who contacted me and talked with me frequently just went cold and hasn't said a word to me.

How do I deal with the feeling of betrayal. All of it was so sudden

[Blimblam]

I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for Thursday.

What threw me off the most was the sudden switch. One night, it was I love you. The next day it was "I'm keeping my options open, you and I aren't happening. Leave me alone you're annoying." Someone who contacted me and talked with me frequently just went cold and hasn't said a word to me.

How do I deal with the feeling of betrayal. All of it was so sudden

I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it.  One thing is clear though seeking any kind of closure with the pwBPD will only cause it to hurt exponentially more.  It is a good thing you found this place before going down that path. 

[LostGhost]

I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for Thursday.

What threw me off the most was the sudden switch. One night, it was I love you. The next day it was "I'm keeping my options open, you and I aren't happening. Leave me alone you're annoying." Someone who contacted me and talked with me frequently just went cold and hasn't said a word to me.

How do I deal with the feeling of betrayal. All of it was so sudden

I feel your pain in your words Learn. I am experiencing the silent treatment after the breakup. I too went from being her "soulmate" in one night to being exiled out of her life the next night. I had bought an engagement ring to propose to her because I was 100% certain she was the love of my life and felt the same about me. I never questioned it. After a month of hot/cold treatment that came out of nowhere, she went to see her ex and broke up with me the same night . I did everything in my power to provide happiness, security, love and stability to her and our relationship.

I think what has assisted me when contemplating the betrayal is to try not to take it personally. I view her as a black hole. No matter how much love and support I fed her, it was never enough. Eventually you are so spent that you fall into the black hole too and are lost trying to find a way back. They do this to every partner they are with. They feed off of them until there is nothing left to consume and they move on to the next one. As you can see, nothing personal. It's just the way they exist and the madness of their disorder. They're still human of course but they're definitely ill.

I think now we are all in love with the memory of who they were to us and who we became around them. In love with an idea. If we could follow them around 24/7, see what they're doing right now away from us, see their innermost thoughts... . I think that love we have for them would be extinguished fast.

[Split black]

I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for Thursday.

What threw me off the most was the sudden switch. One night, it was I love you. The next day it was "I'm keeping my options open, you and I aren't happening. Leave me alone you're annoying." Someone who contacted me and talked with me frequently just went cold and hasn't said a word to me.

How do I deal with the feeling of betrayal. All of it was so sudden

It was never about love. They dont have the capacity for it. They find and use men. They have backups for their backups. Master liars and manipulators. Can i unequivocally say they are all the same... . yes. Ok no. But there is a template for their SAME behavior that is just right out of science fiction movie. Its like that part of their emotional brain that was interrupted and undeveloped uses the same survival and coping skills... same hurtful insane conversations when your painted, split black. Same actions, same words, same behavior. Its like everyone on here has a version of the same damn girl friend.  You either are the universe or you are a demon who deserves to be punished. Then you truly become their projection target for their self hate. But whats so mind splintering is that they mostly function just fine and appear to be so happy happy with a life without you in it.  I have yet to read about one single success story, regardless if they were with some one for 25 years or 6 months. Same torture.

[learnandgrow]

Part of me wants to see whatever she does fail. I know deep down odds are she will perpetuate the torment with the next suitor but the fake show of happiness before it blows up will probably be paraded in front of me to hurt me even more

[myself]

Learnandgrow, first of all, nice screen name. If you follow along that path, you should be fine. As for therapy, going to talk with someone about things in your life that are concerning you, I'd say YES. It's helped me, and many others here, deal with grieving, depression, childhood issues, relationships... . If you have the chance and inclination, Go. Be honest. Dig deep. It's also a good way to keep the focus more on you than whoever it is from the past. Who, btw, may at some point 'parade in front of you', for whatever reasons, but remember: It's a show, and you're not obligated to watch or be part of it.

[AimingforMastery]

Learnandgrow - it is better that you are out. These things can go on for years and take your entire life. My experience is nothing they say can be relied upon and your INTERESTS simply don't matter to them. They may say that they do and then go out and do more crazy stuff while saying that - i.e. your interests are said to matter but tjeir BEHAVIOUR shows they don't.

For example at this point my ex is telling me I am her man and about to move back in to an ex's apartment. She says he is away.

But of course how do I know. So I have gone NC.

The *giveaway* is that as she knew I was not comfortable with this she started being incredibly loving, in *words*.

Actions?   Who the heck knows... .

But the more you realize as Out of Egypt often says, you don't care, you just nod and smile and are glad to be out of it. It's a process.

[learnandgrow]

Thank you all. Unfortunately, the "show" seems like it's already beginning. Originally blocked on social media, I'm now unblocked, clearly being referenced but not named, and seeing writing about how her day will be great... . All done at 4 in the morning when normal people are sleeping.

This was after I was contacted today and did not respond. Typical?

[christoff522]

I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for Thursday.

What threw me off the most was the sudden switch. One night, it was I love you. The next day it was "I'm keeping my options open, you and I aren't happening. Leave me alone you're annoying." Someone who contacted me and talked with me frequently just went cold and hasn't said a word to me.

How do I deal with the feeling of betrayal. All of it was so sudden

All been there. The day before she left me she was basically declaring her love for me, telling me how much she wanted me. I resisted. Then she came to see me at work with her best friend (gave me the biggest panic attack of the whole thing). Then suddenly she went quiet - the whole night. At this point i was certain it was over. Id already been researching narcissism, i think itd changed my ideas about this whole thing. But i still wasnt prepared for the turmoil it brings when they just go silent. In the end at 935 the next day i got a text saying "Hay look, I've been talking with friends and ive decided i dont need this. Im too young i need to injoy myself. Im better off on my own. Look after yourself x". Even this is a bit gaslighting... its such a friendly text. No anger. But shes basically admitting shes found someone else. As well as saying she's better off without me. Also what does need to enjoy herself mean? I think we know.

All this stuff ran through my head. Its also pretty cold to go from "why cant i get what i want?" in reference to wanting me. To essentially "byeeee" in 24 hours.

Youre not alone brother

[Tired_of_this12345]

Learn,

It's very typical.  It would be best for you to block her and not look at it.  My ex used to always use FB as a weapon.  She barely used it while things were good.  However,  during every separation,  she would restrict me,  or post about what a great time she was having.  She would post that she has the best friends and family and that's all that matters.

We have been apart for 2 months and I have not looked at her FB.  However,  I have had mutual friends tell me what she is posting.   Everything is aimed at me.   She posted about how she is in a relationship with the most amazing man.  She has also announced her engagement. 

However,  I am learning to accept this.   Some if this is aimed at me specifically,  but she also wants to project her "happiness".   However,  we all know it will be shirt lived.  He is still in the honeymoon phase,  and her pattern of destruction will eventually befall him as well.  But that is of no concern to me.  She is gone,  and I am moving on.  I will be just fine never seeing of speaking to her again.   And in reality,  that will be best for me. 

[learnandgrow]

Thanks guys. I don't know if she's ever been truly happy... . A while ago she revealed to me she's always depressed and just hides it well. I don't think she's happy now or as excited as she claims to be about whatever is going on in her life, it's just a shame she feels the need to rub my nose in it. I truly think she believes she's the one who's been wronged and hurt, and it's unfortunate.

But on a lighter note this community has been a godsend.

[dillan6241]

i got a text saying "Hay look, I've been talking with friends and ive decided i dont need this. Im too young i need to injoy myself. Im better off on my own. Look after yourself x". Even this is a bit gaslighting... its such a friendly text. No anger. But shes basically admitting shes found someone else. As well as saying she's better off without me. Also what does need to enjoy herself mean? I think we know.

All this stuff ran through my head. Its also pretty cold to go from "why cant i get what i want?" in reference to wanting me. To essentially "byeeee" in 24 hours.

Youre not alone brother

No you're defintely not alone!

My exBPDgf did the exact same thing to me, that quote above from christoff ... . it is exactly what she said, and I'm 100% serious ... . maybe 1-2 words are off. Same exact situation, I LOVE YOU the day before, 2 days later just like she leaves saying she needs to enjoy herself and she's too young, her "best friend" guiding her. She's incapable of making her own decision, just has to go with the opinions of the people she is idealizing at the moment. Its amazing how these people can hurt in such a similar matter, but I've been nearly 4 months NC... . it was hard at first, but its definitely gotten so much better.

NC is really the best tool I've used to detach from her, if it wasn't for this I remember in the past I was either 1) recycled completely and had my boundaries crossed completely while she flirted with other guys and did inappropriate thing while desperate me just accepted it to keep her. 2) I was hurt by her and her actions and what she did and when I did stay even in LC she would only contact me for what she needed, and when I refused I was evil and not a good friend... . AND when I would try and make things work and have a super long email explaining every point in extremely delicate and logical manner, she would reply with a small 5 sentence response, not even acknowledging ANYTHING I said... .

NC

[christoff522]

i got a text saying "Hay look, I've been talking with friends and ive decided i dont need this. Im too young i need to injoy myself. Im better off on my own. Look after yourself x". Even this is a bit gaslighting... its such a friendly text. No anger. But shes basically admitting shes found someone else. As well as saying she's better off without me. Also what does need to enjoy herself mean? I think we know.

All this stuff ran through my head. Its also pretty cold to go from "why cant i get what i want?" in reference to wanting me. To essentially "byeeee" in 24 hours.

Youre not alone brother

No you're defintely not alone!

My exBPDgf did the exact same thing to me, that quote above from christoff ... . it is exactly what she said, and I'm 100% serious ... . maybe 1-2 words are off. Same exact situation, I LOVE YOU the day before, 2 days later just like she leaves saying she needs to enjoy herself and she's too young, her "best friend" guiding her. She's incapable of making her own decision, just has to go with the opinions of the people she is idealizing at the moment. Its amazing how these people can hurt in such a similar matter, but I've been nearly 4 months NC... . it was hard at first, but its definitely gotten so much better.

NC is really the best tool I've used to detach from her, if it wasn't for this I remember in the past I was either 1) recycled completely and had my boundaries crossed completely while she flirted with other guys and did inappropriate thing while desperate me just accepted it to keep her. 2) I was hurt by her and her actions and what she did and when I did stay even in LC she would only contact me for what she needed, and when I refused I was evil and not a good friend... . AND when I would try and make things work and have a super long email explaining every point in extremely delicate and logical manner, she would reply with a small 5 sentence response, not even acknowledging ANYTHING I said... .

NC

funniest thing, the next day I had a right go at her on skype messaging, I told her exactly what I thought, told her I despised her and what she did to people, told her i felt sorry for her new squeeze, told her she had no empathy and was a narcissist and I told her NEVER to contact me again. Then she replied "I know I'm not those things, I'm not like that, Sorry for any misunderstandings here x" then she proceeded to block me before I could reply.  She'd already blocked me on everything else. The only access I had really was to email her. Which I did, twice. First to apologise for what I'd said, and to give her my number in case she needed to contact me. Secondly to tell her I was moving on, and that I'd apologised to her ex about the situation (long story) and that everyone was happy - and to give her my number in case she needed to contact me. Anyway that was pretty much it as far as I was concerned.

A couple weeks later I decided to check up on her ex see if he was alright, I was actually going to give him some encouragement, and lo and behold there they are, back together! So I ended up crying in my bedroom. I just couldnt believe it - after all that, and after what I'd told him she'd said about him - how could they be back together?

Anyway I quickly realised that me saying I'd apologised to him, she wanted to see what I'd said... . they lasted less than 2 months. The poor sap still has their photograph as his profile pic.

Because of how they got back together, my guess is she treated him worse than ever, she already hates him (just as she hates me), but she could not live without the knowledge of what I'd said in that conversation with him! Once she knew, she treated him like crap, and he dumped her. At least thats what I assume. I also am quite sure that she never had any intention of being on her own - to my knowledge she had at least three potential suitors lined up before she 'dumped' me.

I find it all fascinating, not so painful anymore. I have noticed that she can only manage a relationship 2 months at a time before she has to run. I anticipate that she will get in contact within the year, but i think it'll be a while yet. When she does, I plan to either ignore her, or maintain LC.

[learnandgrow]

Has anyone's BPDEx ever publicly conveyed a fantasy world that's not true? This girl is talking about a job she doesn't have, friends she doesn't have, an education she doesn't have... . none of this was happening a week ago so I doubt it's happening now.

Is this normal? Why would someone create a fantasy like this? Is she crying for attention because we haven't spoken?

[learnandgrow]

So she's "going on a date" now with someone who looks like he's going to be the next victim already. How much of this is serious and how much of it is just designed to dig into me?

[Red Sky]

So she's "going on a date" now with someone who looks like he's going to be the next victim already. How much of this is serious and how much of it is just designed to dig into me?

What is 'serious' to someone with BPD? From what I've read elsewhere she may well FEEL at that moment in time like she is MADLY IN LOVE with whomever. But it's not lasting. She is probably suggestible and she's probably seeking whatever attachment she can find to replace you, whether it's aimed at hurting you of just at fulfilling her own need for attention. My exgf attempted suicide over my enforcing boundaries, and then went out drinking and pulling other lassies not long after 'I LOVE YOU RED' type stuff. Personally I was already attempting detachment and she kinda did an extinction burst, so I wasn't torn to bits by it... . I took it as a cue not to feel guilt over abandoning her.

[learnandgrow]

She followed it with a quip like "if you had multiple chances to be with someone you wanted and you blew them all you might as well shutup."

This is the most confusing , hurtful thing I've experienced

So she's "going on a date" now with someone who looks like he's going to be the next victim already. How much of this is serious and how much of it is just designed to dig into me?

What is 'serious' to someone with BPD? From what I've read elsewhere she may well FEEL at that moment in time like she is MADLY IN LOVE with whomever. But it's not lasting. She is probably suggestible and she's probably seeking whatever attachment she can find to replace you, whether it's aimed at hurting you of just at fulfilling her own need for attention. My exgf attempted suicide over my enforcing boundaries, and then went out drinking and pulling other lassies not long after 'I LOVE YOU RED' type stuff. Personally I was already attempting detachment and she kinda did an extinction burst, so I wasn't torn to bits by it... . I took it as a cue not to feel guilt over abandoning her.

[Red Sky]

Your relationship was meaningful to you? Well I think all that you can do is take from it the meaning that you want it to have because I doubt you're going to find that validation in your ex. A pwBPD who has been a very insightful and interesting contributor on the Learning board posted this:

We don't usually consciously pretend to be something we're not, what happens is this:

1. A lot of uncontrollable emotion means a lot of empathy, which makes us adopt other people's emotions like one catches a cold.

So imagine for example a young BPD girl who meets a person for the first time and she becomes interested in them. The person believes is a huge activist concerned with animal rights. The person tells her all about it. The person is enthusiastic about the issue, tells her about how much abandoned dogs suffer, how it breaks their heart that they should be put through such horrible treatment.

The girl listens, fascinated, and is inflamed with the absolute NEED to protect these poor little creatures, wants to cry for them, wants to save them, and wants to become an activist just like the person they've just met.

The girl then goes home, goes to sleep, and the morning after she probably is shocked at how she doesn't feel as strongly today about animal rights as she felt yesterday. She actually isn't really interested in being an activist at all, any more.

That is, until the next time they meet the activist person. Then it all comes back again.

2. We want to be liked. We absolutely want to be liked by everyone always.

So basically, we are chameleons like psychopaths, but not for the same reasons. Psychopaths consciously mimic those around them in order to fit in and be left alone; it's camouflage. BPDs unconsciously adopt the likes, dislikes, feelings and ideas of those around them because our heads are constantly filled with noise, but the noise doesn't ever get ordered into actual sound like it happens in other people's heads.

So, if I meet someone who says "honesty is the most important thing in a relationship", chances are I am genuinely going to feel and believe honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, and I'll defend its value with all my might; but once I spend a few hours away from that person and my emotions shift, I'll take a look back at the time where I thought honesty was the most important thing in a relationship and feel like the person who thought that was a completely different person. I'll feel like my body was momentarily taken over by another entity. Until I meet the person again, probably.