I was doing so well... Until I saw him

[wake up]

I had to go I to my uni today and he was leaving when I drove in.  I parked my car and walked to the entrance but he turned around, entered the uni again and drove past me slowly before leaving again.  He didn't even look at me but the driveby was very intentional.  The problem is he looked really good and in my imagination he has become a monster lately... .

I was chatting with a friend of his tonight (the only person that knows both sides) and I told him that I'm slowly getting over my ex , just taking it easy etc.  but then after the chat I felt so weird... . I guess the addiction kicked in and I couldn't control it.  I phoned his house ph, then I changed my mind and hung up.

He is going to see it on his caller ID

Trying to stay strong but I'm really starting to miss him now with 10 days NC.  I decided that just talking to someone who sees my ex in a good light made me feel weaker, so I won't talk to him for a while now.

I'm scared I'm about to get recycled and praying my ex has strength enough for us both tonight! What should I do now?

[wake up]

Sorry I forgot to say that he is my uBPD ex bf, although I guess that's obvious :D

[Tausk]

Hang in there.  It's a trigger and an addiction.  I know how hard it is.  I stalked my ex's mom's house.  That's how bad I was for a while.

Do you want to get recycled?  Please be honest, because the staying board may give you more techniques for surviving the relapse. 

If you want to recover, then block his phone.  Don't call.   Stay on the Board and share... . like you did.

We can validate.

Congrats on writing.  You're new to this.  It can get better, if we work at at.

[Red Sky]

The feeling is normal, the desire is normal. You stopped yourself, and that's good. In time it'll get easier to resist. I know how hard it is at uni, when you know you can bump into them, and you probably have a bunch of mutual acquaintances. (From my experiences: all the people I knew at uni didn't care as much as I thought they would, I thought I would be painted black forever and hated by all but I'm coming to see that in reality, people who aren't involved in your drama don't actually care too much  )

I also know what you mean about turning your ex into a monster in your head. One time I ran into mine on a visit home and I was almost shocked that after several months of focusing on not contacting the (insert swearwords of choice since this forum won't let me), he still looked like the person I had loved, and it was incredibly discombobulating. Keep in your head why you are doing this, unless, as Tausk says, you intend to recycle. I wouldn't recommend it but I also know that if you can't see why you need to stay away, nobody else can show you.

[wake up]

The feeling is normal, the desire is normal. You stopped yourself, and that's good. In time it'll get easier to resist. I know how hard it is at uni, when you know you can bump into them, and you probably have a bunch of mutual acquaintances. (From my experiences: all the people I knew at uni didn't care as much as I thought they would, I thought I would be painted black forever and hated by all but I'm coming to see that in reality, people who aren't involved in your drama don't actually care too much  )

I also know what you mean about turning your ex into a monster in your head. One time I ran into mine on a visit home and I was almost shocked that after several months of focusing on not contacting the (insert swearwords of choice since this forum won't let me), he still looked like the person I had loved, and it was incredibly discombobulating. Keep in your head why you are doing this, unless, as Tausk says, you intend to recycle. I wouldn't recommend it but I also know that if you can't see why you need to stay away, nobody else can show you.

Ok thanks guys, guess I will just see what happens and take one day at a time.  I'm not too worried about uni drama- the relationship was fairly secret because Arabs like to gossip a lot!  He hasn't said anything bad about me yet... . But that may be because it hasn't sunk in.

I will try to stay strong, I've looked at the staying boards and honestly it looks like a pain in the a*rse and personally I feel nothing really changes, perhaps for the lucky few that really want to sort themselves outt, but my ex isn't there yet.  I don't plan on kidding myself and pretending I have 'boundaries' when really it seems more like a very passive way to handle angry people.  I'm bit passive enough to live like that and there are no children forcing me to put up with him (which seems to be the main reason people stay).

Perhaps I was just knocked a bit emotionally because his friend dismissed the behavior as 'normal arab jealousy' but there's manipulation and lies that don't sit right with me.   I'm an open book so those tactics are a waste of time on me, plus my mother is incredibly manipulative so I've grown up to see it a mile away and feel rather embarrassed for people who use it! In arab culture jealousy is seen as love- on both sides, with 50 missed calls being common (whereas we would absolutely balk at that) so I know some things I tolerated at the time because I know the culture.  The thing is my ex is what you would consider an open minded arab, with both Christian and Muslim parents.  He drinks, smokes weed occasionally and doesn't pray.  He expected me to cover when I wasn't with him and dress sexy when I was - that's a hard pill to swallow for any western woman!  Many things I know would never change so I will keep trying to get over the relationship.

[wake up]

Sorry I meant I'm not passive enough

[crookedeuphoria]

I'm not passive enough to stay either wake up. I fight back. I think that's good in a way but it also escalates things pretty quickly.

Stay strong, you're doing so well 

[Littleleft]

It seems only normal to have moments when you waver, but you've quickly pulled yourself back from going down that road so I think you're doing really well.  I'm sure things will get easier with time.

Best of luck with your finals by the way!