I finally set a boundary

[Veronykah]

So I posted the whole story on the newbie thread yesterday but for the quick version:

Yesterday, I finally told my BPD BF to leave me alone, never call me, come over, text etc. Of course, after that I got 6 texts going from nice to telling me what an awful person I am and how HE is done with me now and I'm losing a "good thing". This was after I went to block him completely from Facebook and saw he was friends with the girl he cheated on me with.

Nice right? Classic is more like it is what I'm learning.

So I like to go to the site futureme and write myself emails to send to myself in the future when things are going badly or well. Well I got one today that I completely forgot about... . it's scary how this reads like a page from the "how you know you are in a relationship with a BPD" handbook. It was a nice wake up call from a YEAR ago, to tell me going NC and breaking it off for real yesterday was the right decision since this has been going on for almost all of our 2.5 year relationship... .

Here it is:

Dear FutureMe,

Wow, 2013 has been a piece of ___. My dog was so sick in February he almost died. Ended up costing me 10,000.

BPDbf has been acting quite badly as well.

When I met him, I was so happy. Well now that I think about it, maybe I wasn't. I broke up with him soon after we met. Maybe I should have seen all these red flags. I'm good at ignoring them.

Well the last 2 months with him have been a series of emotional roller coasters that I can't wish on anyone.

He has anger issues, serious ones. He broke up with me for a week and a half, going so far as to write me a ___ty letter and send it with my cds in the mail. Of course the day after he apologized and said it was all because he was so angry.

I told him he must go to therapy if we are to be together and he promised, yet did nothing.

Since then he's given me the silent treatment or broken up with me several times. I counted the days and out of 75, he spent 33 not talking to me. Not great.

I hate all of this because I love him.

Why, I ask myself repeatedly.

He does these stupid things to me and makes me miserable.

So nearly 2 weeks ago, I again "did something" that made him angry. Didn't ask him how his day was on a text. Yeah, I know, seriously? He was pissed. We went to couples therapy for the 1st time that Sunday and he got quite upset talking about it. The next morning he was being distant and salty and I asked him what his problem was. He was STILL pissed about it, now saying I was "lying" to the therapist. We got in a huge fight and I left the apt for work while he was in the bathroom.

I didn't hear from him until Thursday when he texted me that he was outside. I went out and he got into another RAGE about the same ___, again. At one point, I had a moment of clarity and saw how f'ing CRAZY he was and walked away, silent and back in the apt to get the rest of his things. (he had come over without asking, while he thought I was at work and let himself in a few days earlier to get his shirt that he claims "his brother needed" more BS). I went back out with his stuff and he was gone. I called him a few hours later, not knowing why, and left a VM. Put up a few nice posts on FB but haven't heard from him.

I deleted him today. I blocked him on instagram.

Why am I sad? I looked up emotional abuse and the silent treatment is definitely part of it. It made me super sad to read all these things and see what he does to me in so much of it. I am not the girl who allows that ___ but for some reason I have been. I had to stop it.

I'm feeling crappy now. I want to hear from him but don't know why.

What is it going to solve? Is he going to stop it?

I miss him and just want him to be the person he CAN be. I am really doubting that can happen though. His cancelling of our therapy session yesterday was the last straw. He doesn't care about me. Why be with someone who has no regard for you or your feelings and calls you selfish and a liar for NO reason? When they supposedly love you?

I just don't understand how we got here, or why? I thought I was going to marry him. I thought I was going to be with him forever. We had some amazing times and I really, really did love him But what he's doing is strangling and smashing it to little pieces and I don't know if it can recover.

I want him back but don't think I can or should take him back. All his lies and empty promises, we've been over it all so many times.

This is all so gross, it's making me sick.

I hope I'm reading this from a way way better place. Great job, not dealing with someone who doesn't love me.

Somewhere good.

Good luck. And I hope your dog is still there!

<3

YOURSELF!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Veronykah,

Wow, that is a little spooky, almost like a confirmation of what you did yesterday.  I'm sorry that you went through that for most of your relationship. 

Letting go was really hard for me.  How are you feeling today?

heartandwhole

[Veronykah]

I'm feeling worse, it just gets worse.

I don't know what to do.