when my ex BPDgf called me "needy" what does she mean?

[Blimblam]

My ex wasn't evil in the way she smeared me to people.  She called me "needy," ",jealous" and "controlling."

What does she mean by "needy."  The only thing I felt needy of was needing answers.  Also at the time I did need some help but the scales were ridiculously off balance so I just wanted at least some effort in the direction of equity.

[learnandgrow]

Are you codependent at all? I'm realizing that might be some of my problem.

When a significant other acts inconsistently with their words and does things to betray your trust, I think a lot of people seek answers. If you were seeking answers from her, you may have set her off in that way.

I think codependency might come into play because that should be a boundary that's not okay to cross, and if you stick around you're giving her more and more leeway.

Someone more knowledgeable than me should answer, but I've been through this twice now with the same girl; entirely trusting at first, then kept around by suicide threats, and letting her cross boundaries, all the while slowly becoming less trusting and wanting to see things or discover more because i couldn't trust her.

My ex wasn't evil in the way she smeared me to people.  She called me "needy," ",jealous" and "controlling."

What does she mean by "needy."  The only thing I felt needy of was needing answers.  Also at the time I did need some help but the scales were ridiculously off balance so I just wanted at least some effort in the direction of equity.

[Turkish]

My ex wasn't evil in the way she smeared me to people.  She called me "needy," ",jealous" and "controlling."

What does she mean by "needy."  The only thing I felt needy of was needing answers.  Also at the time I did need some help but the scales were ridiculously off balance so I just wanted at least some effort in the direction of equity.

Mine called me the opposite of needy. Maybe I didn't activate her own co-dependent traits... . mine liked that I wasn't controlling, yet often would accuse me of not being The Man and taking control to make certain decisions. It's   trying to rationalize the irrational.

Can you give specific examples where she called you needy? Are you struggling to understand if you may be? "Needy" is pretty subjective don't you think?

Yours could be projecting, or it could be that she needed constant validation and attention such that any normal needs of yours triggered her abandonment fears, so she lashed out.

[Octoberfest]

Mine told people after the breakup that I was abusive and controlling.

Yes, I demanded to see her phone/messages and I snooped on her facebook profile.

Yes, I asked her where she was and with who often when she wasn't with me

Yes, I accused her of cheating and required proof she wasn't.

No, I never raised a hand.  She on the other hand, did try to hit me once.  I say try because she did not succeed.

On paper it sure looks like I was controlling, and maybe even emotionally abusive.

What is left out of the story is the fact that I sure didn't start that way, and that those things only came about after finding out about numerous instances of infidelity on her part.  Oh, and when I snooped on her facebook I found that her relationship status, which was set to display we were together, was not visible to her family or her "Ex" (I was told when I met her she was single and that she had just broken up... . not true.  She maintained a LDR with him for the first 6 months we were together, unbeknownst to me).  I also caught her changing a contacts name in her phone to her ex's name so she was not actually texting him, and texting that person saying, "you know Octoberfest and I are together, right?" to prove to me they weren't together.

Maybe I was "controlling".  But it was born out of a need, because she couldn't manage to keep her legs shut on her own.


Bottom line, don't buy into their BS.   Ultimately, does it really matter if she said you were needy?  Even if she genuinely believed you to be needy, who is to say her definition of that is even accurate, much like how my BPDex told people I was abusive and controlling when that certainly was not the case.

[trappedinlove]

My ex wasn't evil in the way she smeared me to people.  She called me "needy," ",jealous" and "controlling."

What does she mean by "needy."  The only thing I felt needy of was needing answers.  Also at the time I did need some help but the scales were ridiculously off balance so I just wanted at least some effort in the direction of equity.

I was perceived by my uBPDxso exactly the same. Though there is truth to it I see it as an expression to her feeling engulfed by me.

I am needy since I need her and I am hurt if she's not there for me.

I am jealous since it hurts me and I'm criticizing her about flirting with others when I'm around or Triangulation me with other friends.

I am controlling because I expect her to live up to her words; do what she says and say what she does.

[Ceruleanblue]

My uBPDh said that a couple different times in the past(he's on to meaner things now). I was sort of hurt by it the, because I didn't understand it at the time. Now, I know it was just HIS view, and I've learned that his views are not always factual or logical. Of course he views me as needy, I have "normal" needs and emotions, and HE DOESN'T! He certainly knew how to fake like he had both of those while we dated though. Once we were married, the true him came out.

He's so easily set off now, that I stay mostly away from him. I've been here on the couch for the last three nights, but he's still managed to rage at me at least once each day, even though we've had minimal contact. He lures me in to "talk to him" or "tell me something", then he twists something I say, or takes it wrong, and blows up. It's his was of relieving his stress and anger, and vomiting it onto me, therefore making HIMSELF feel better. I think it's like pressure relief, it's like he has to act out, in order to feel better himself?

I just know I'm tired of it, and tired of being lonely. I'm needy? That is hilarious coming from the man who calls himself my husband, but really only needs me as an emotional punching bag, and for sex. Sex where he enjoys hurting me. I'm not so sure he isn't actually a Sociopath. He sure fits the DSM for BPD, and NPD, but he has some Sociopath traits too. I'm sick of thinking about HIM all the time, while I'm sick with fear and loneliness.

I'm "needy", but he doesn't allow me to have any needs. He's told me flat out "I don't care how you feel, and keep your damn opinions to yourself". I told him today(via chat... . that way he can't yell), that we really don't have a relationship. He agreed. Of course, that seems to only bother ME... .

[OutOfEgypt]

I was told those same things by my ex.  Or she would say I am "codependent" or "insecure."  Some truth to those things, for sure, but... .

1. She would focus on those things as a way to avoid her own guilt.  Much of it was projection.  When I look back, I realize she was totally controlling me through her emotional games.  Blaming and projection were only part of the game.

2. She would completely disavow the fact that her own behavior and dynamic was fostering that kind of behavior in me.  For example, you can come across as "needy" when the person turns the relationship into a one-way relationship focused on all of their needs, lies to you repeatedly, blames you all the time, and then tells you that your feelings about her behavior and your unmet needs are wrong.  It promotes self-doubt, numbing, and burying feelings, which comes out as neurotic behavior like "neediness".  "Neediness", in other words, can be the outcome of suppressed pain and rage over being treated like crap and like your feelings don't matter at all.  And that is what they do to us isn't it?

[Ceruleanblue]

I was told those same things by my ex.  Or she would say I am "codependent" or "insecure."  Some truth to those things, for sure, but... .

1. She would focus on those things as a way to avoid her own guilt.  Much of it was projection.  When I look back, I realize she was totally controlling me through her emotional games.  Blaming and projection were only part of the game.

2. She would completely disavow the fact that her own behavior and dynamic was fostering that kind of behavior in me.  For example, you can come across as "needy" when the person turns the relationship into a one-way relationship focused on all of their needs, lies to you repeatedly, blames you all the time, and then tells you that your feelings about her behavior and your unmet needs are wrong.  It promotes self-doubt, numbing, and burying feelings, which comes out as neurotic behavior like "neediness".  "Neediness", in other words, can be the outcome of suppressed pain and rage over being treated like crap and like your feelings don't matter at all.  And that is what they do to us isn't it?

This exactly describes me and our situation. If I got any of my emotional needs met, maybe he wouldn't perceive me as "needy". HIS needs are getting met, so how unfair is that? He is actually rather "needy" in lots of ways, but I would never say that to him. He is definitely controlling, and I let most of it slide. I do have to bury my feelings from him, because he's told me flat out he doesn't care about my feelings. You really summed it up well.

[Skip]

when my ex BPDgf called me "needy" what does she mean?

"Clingy" and "needy" generally means you wanted more attention than she felt was normal or desirable.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I was told those same things by my ex.  Or she would say I am "codependent" or "insecure."  Some truth to those things, for sure, but... .

1. She would focus on those things as a way to avoid her own guilt.  Much of it was projection.  When I look back, I realize she was totally controlling me through her emotional games.  Blaming and projection were only part of the game.

2. She would completely disavow the fact that her own behavior and dynamic was fostering that kind of behavior in me.  For example, you can come across as "needy" when the person turns the relationship into a one-way relationship focused on all of their needs, lies to you repeatedly, blames you all the time, and then tells you that your feelings about her behavior and your unmet needs are wrong.  It promotes self-doubt, numbing, and burying feelings, which comes out as neurotic behavior like "neediness".  "Neediness", in other words, can be the outcome of suppressed pain and rage over being treated like crap and like your feelings don't matter at all.  And that is what they do to us isn't it?

Oh yeah! Ohhhhh yeah!  Nailed it!

CiF