My sad, devastating story

[AlwaysForgiving]

I have known this girl, I'll call her 'Melissa', for about 13 years. We were co-workers and friends and I was always in love with her, but never acted on those feelings because we were both married when we met. About 3 years ago, we were both going through divorces and I told her how I felt about her and to my surprise, she said she had those same feelings for me this whole time too. She is honestly the most beautiful woman I have ever met and we had many things in common... . I always felt there was no one else like her, she was my dream woman.

We started a relationship and it was very intense. We felt strongly in love with each other and that we were deeply connected.

But, it was only a few months into that relationship, when I noticed something was "wrong"... . she was very depressed and had anxiety issues. She would break down and cry in a heartbeat out of nowhere. She would break things off with me all the time and then come back to me within a day or two (sometimes that same day). I assumed she was depressed about the divorce she went through or guilty about the fact that she was seeing me, who was a long time friend. But, I knew that her behavior was not normal.

Over the next 2 1/2 years our relationship was on and off again and again. We would make plans in the middle of the day for that night, but a lot of times she would cancel within hours. She never could tell me that she loved me. She would go off in a rage out of nowhere. She broke things off with me all the time, but couldn't leave me... . she still wanted me in her life... . and I still needed her no matter how hard it got.

I confided in a co-worker who knew Melissa very well too after working with her so long and she said Melissa would sit at her desk and cry all the time. She also told me that I should research Borderline Personality Disorder. I did the research about what it is like to have a relationship with a BPD and was shocked to see how much I read fit exactly what we where going through. It was like a checklist I can go down a check off each point. I presented this information to her and when she read it, I can see in her face how close these things were to what she was going through personally. But, after a few hours, she denied that she had it, got mad at me for calling her crazy and never looked into it. So, she was never officially diagnosed. But, the more I read about it, the more I'm convinced she has it... . she's a textbook case. I was shocked that I never had a clue that this woman I have known for so long could be suffering from this.

Well, after this new years, she became very detached from me and our relationship officially ended. She met someone else and when that relationship failed after a month (I think he picked up the signs sooner than I had), she came running to me and I was there for her. After just under two weeks after that, she told me she met someone and that it was getting serious. I was devastated and baffled how quickly that relationship ramped up. I also felt like ALL the love she had for me was gone and I was no longer that person that was her friend for 13 years... . I was no longer needed.

We did not speak or see each other for 3 months after that and then suddenly earlier this week she called... . she had broken up with her BF because he was an alcoholic. I cautiously was there for her, but then I found out she got back with him the very next day! She basically broke up with him, contacted me that same day, and when she went back to him, I was discarded... . again and she had NO regard for my feelings at all.

I am seeing the cycles of a BPD relationship taking shape with the guy she's currently with and she's already to the stage where she breaks up with him and then takes him back. I still want to help her understand that she most likely suffers from BPD and that she is going to keep repeating the same cycle over and over. And now, I am coping and getting my life (that was completely shattered) back together. Sorry my story is so long... . thank you for reading.

[Alex86]

Hi AlwaysForgiving,

I'm sorry for your relationship. As I'm sorry for mine!

I know you love her (like most of us love our exes) and you want the best for her. But isn't it time to take care of yourself?

As your nickname states I think you have forgiven her too many times.

How many times have you been cheated? Cheating for me is a deal breaker.

I understand that you think is the disorder that makes her behave this way.

I have had the same thought for months now. But is it really the disorder? Or are they aware of this

behavior and act in mean ways for some other reasons? One of them might be, for example, boredness and emptiness.

I suggest that you take a look at the following thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227497.0

You may reach the point when you are convinced that you can't save her or change her after all and

you have to let it go.

[AlwaysForgiving]

Based on what I said about her, does she sound like she could have BPD? Like I said, she was never diagnosed and I'm not an expert.

I just wanted to get the opinions of those that might have been in the same situation.

[LettingGo14]

Based on what I said about her, does she sound like she could have BPD? Like I said, she was never diagnosed and I'm not an expert.

I just wanted to get the opinions of those that might have been in the same situation.

Our stories share similarities.  Post-divorce relationships.  Discard, recycle, crying, drama.

When I stumbled into this community 4 months ago, about 3 months after abandonment, I felt like a strung out addict, wishing I could get another "fix" or chance to "fix" things.

For me, the biggest benefit of learning about BPD was being able to "face the facts" and let go of the idea I could have "fixed" anything.   Then, I spent a long time reflecting on this list:  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Have you seen that list?   I printed it out and reflected on my story.  Ultimately, the post-relationship focus is back on us, not our exes.   

Keep posting.  You are in the right place.