Sneak preview from the other side of hell

[foggybottom]

This is for those of you who are hurting.

Until about a year ago, I was where many of you are. I was there for a long time. So long in fact that I could not fathom the concept that it would ever get better.

It DID get better. It got so, so much better.

I am here to tell you -- no, to PROMISE you, to shake your shoulders until I know you believe it -- your time in hell is finite. I know it might be crippling right now. If you're anything like I was, you might feel completely powerless over your life right now. You might still blame yourself or still struggle with guilt at the belief that somehow this is your fault. I don't remember BPD terminology anymore (and soon neither will you), but I believe the term is fleas.

I was married to my BPD abuser for three years. I was also not the one who left the marriage. I would have left, of course, had I not been so beaten down and brainwashed into believing I was the only one with the problem. When I began to educate myself about what was truly going on, and started enforcing boundaries, my ex bolted with no warning. The turn of events that unfolded after that is too bizarre to be believed, so I'll spare you, but like the rest of you, I didn't know which way was up. My self esteem was completely shattered and I didn't care to socialize or even take care of myself. I was paralyzed with worry over what our mutual friends would think about me or whose side they would take.

The best moment of my life so far is the moment I realized I was on the other side of hell. It came at a completely unexpected and mundane moment, but it came from within me. Your moment will come from within you too. In fact, it's already there, waiting for you to discover it.

You will never look at the world the same way again. You will realize you are SO much stronger than this person made you feel or believe. And once you're on the other side of hell, there's no going back because you will know you are unshakable. Friends will be puzzled at the source of your happiness, because you didn't get it from another person, or win the lottery. You are simply happy. You will skip and mean it.

Life will still happen of course, and stuff will be sucky sometimes, but you know with everything you are that you'll be able to handle it. Even when the BPD person pops up again with the same old antics -- which they will -- you will see it for what it is and get back to focusing on the only thing that matters: YOU. The knowledge that this person no longer has power over you and never will again is ingrained and it's so comforting.

Trust me, I would have rolled my eyes at this a year ago. I usually did when I read a "success story" here, because I was convinced that my own story was somehow the exception, that no one's experience had been as earth-shattering as mine was. But we're all going through minor variations of the same hell.

One quote that I wish I would have seen back then:

"The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is."

God speed, friends.



P.S. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how the mutual friends thing turns out. All the real ones aren't mutual anymore. They're just yours. 

[heartandwhole]

Very inspiring, foggybottom, thank you for sharing.  I'm so glad that you are in a much better place now.  It's great to read good news like yours!

How did you get to this place, foggybottom?  What was the most helpful in your detachment?

heartandwhole

[Veronykah]

I loved your post because I know that what you post will also be me. I felt the same way after the last recycle then my uBPD ex came back while my dog was dying and it, of course, became a recycle. Now I have a feeling I am grieving the dog but seeing it as more the ex, well hopefully since I was feeling REALLY good about it before the whole thing happened with my dog. I just want to get back to that place since it was amazing, I felt so happy and hadn't felt that truly, genuinely happy for a long time. Something I hadn't noticed at all during my "relationship".

Thank you for your post. 

[HazelJade]

Thank you for thinking of this, for turning back and doing something for all those still struggling. People want to forget pain, they don't turn back normally; it takes a special person to do that. Somebody who went to hell and came back.

with gratitude

HJ

[Ihope2]

Hi Foggybottom

I realise you want to help and share, but this type of post doesn't appeal to me or resonate with me at all.

It sounds like you are about to try to sell us an "amazing new product" or a ground-breaking self-help novel for all of the rest of us to find our way out of our BPD misery! 

Our experiences are all deeply personal and in my experience there is no one-size-fits-all solution or answer.

Best Regards,

Ihope2

[foggybottom]

"How did you get to this place, foggybottom?  What was the most helpful in your detachment?"

Heartandwhole, by staying on the boards and via reading the stories of posters out of the FOG, especially 2010. I didn't talk much because I'm an introvert (even online), but this place was my lifeline.

Ihope2,

"It sounds like you are about to try to sell us an "amazing new product" or a ground-breaking self-help novel for all of the rest of us to find our way out of our BPD misery! 

Our experiences are all deeply personal and in my experience there is no one-size-fits-all solution or  answer."

I don't think anyone is miserable. There is no magical solution or answer. This was to tell those who are currently where I was that the cloud is going to lift. For me, it was helpful to hear that from people who had already been through this full circle. In addition to my T of course.

Best,

Rachel

[Tausk]

Hey Foggy:

Thanks for posting.  It's always good to hear from those who have found themselves on the other side and share that with us still on the board.  Our experiences are individual, but they fall disturbingly well on a scatter plot diagram.

But that is the good news.  It's means that it's not just our fault.  It means that there is a Disorder and a reason for the insanity.  And most important, it means that there is an "amazing new product" for the newcomers to the board.  

And that product is to follow the advice that given on the board.  It means to depersonalize and detach.  It means to look at ourselves, and FOO issues, and the Disorder, and why we got lost in the FOG.  

And reading the board, especially poster 2010 posts is the way out.  

I appreciate the check in and am happy for your success.  There's a recent NYT's magazine about the difficulties low income college students have regarding graduations rates.  And one method that is proving successful is simply to let the students know as freshman that their experiences and feelings are valid.  They they are not alone.  That others have walked their paths before them.  That there are proven ways to move through the fear and unknown.  And the simply way to do that is by having someone who is like them, tell them the above.  

That's what you do by saying things are better.  You are letting people know that you understand, and that there is a proven path for recovery that has worked for you.  The specifics of how you did are unique to you.  But the workplan was previously developed.

Be well,

T

[NewMom]

Thank you so much, Foggy! 

It helps to read that people make it out of hell and return to tell others about it!  It's great you were able to move on and find yourself and your sanity. 

After being here only a few months, reading and working on myself, I can feel improvement.  My friends (also those mutual ones you mentioned) have noticed what is going on and have stood by me and my daughter.  I know I will be where you are now, and you writing about that inspires me even more to keep moving on.  Time and therapy helps.  Friendship and love helps.  Support helps.  And then someday I'll be able to see myself again.  Feel myself again and finally be less enmeshed in the horrible place my dBPDh is living.  If and when he makes it out of his personal hell I will be there and be his friend and he will be able to see his daughter in a whole different light.  But until then I need to care for me so that I can care for her!

Thank you for sharing!