do they have antenna or they are cruel

[antjs]

so it has been three plus months of NC for me. my ex did like to keep her exs around as "friends". i do not know how it ended exactly with them either good\peaceful or bad. but i think most of them are still enmeshed. i was strong enough to stand for myself and was so bold with her during the break up. i even told her that she might have BPD. unfortunately, i bad mouthed her in the last message i have sent her after she gave me the silent treatment. 3 months and no beep for a sign of being alive. I am not sure if she is ever gonna try to reach me out or not. and no i am not hoping for a recycle. i would like to see an attempt for a recycle(maybe some assurance or validation here). i am doing well with my healing but still in the process.


my question here is : do they have like an antenna to report to them if we are about to totally heal so that they would reach us before we are out for good or are they just cruel creatures who do not care about anything regarding you and too focused on the new supply or replacement ? though my ex was too focused on me during the idealization phase i was aware that she still was checking to make sure that her exs are still standing in the line waiting for their turn. maybe she would not try to do so because i stood for myself i even told her during the break up " you think i will be waiting for you after you are done with your ex again as he did when you were with me ! i really pity you."

[Skip]

my question here is : do they have like an antenna to report to them if we are about to totally heal so that they would reach us before we are out for good

or

are they just cruel creatures who do not care about anything regarding you and too focused on the new supply or replacement ?

We can probably conclude that pwBPD don't have an antennae.  

If we want to understand - and I personally think figuring this out goes a long way toward figuring ourselves out - we have to ditch the silly Internet rhetoric.  And probably the best place to start is to look at the questions we are pondering.  Bad questions often get bad answers.

So, is the question really more like:  My ex always kept in touch with her exes when she was with me, why is she not keeping in touch with me?

If so, my answer would be: If you told her off, shamed her, and put down, she probably doesn't want to come back for more.  Who would?  And yes, she is most likely hyerfocused on her new love - just as she was that way with you.

i would like to see an attempt for a recycle(maybe some assurance or validation here). i am doing well with my healing but still in the process.

I think every spurned lover would like to have the ex come back and admit they were wrong.  I hoped for that too.  I think it really hard to comprehend or accept that the other person doesn't feel the same way that we do.

But they don't.

The leaver in a relationship choses to go.  They thinks its is best option.  

You are not alone in your feelings.  They are as old a man... . and the heart of some great old songs... . This one always brings tears to my eyes... . why should anyone have to feel this pain... . and why should little children have nightmares... . it's sad... . and we all get a dose.

Was there something more I could have done?

Or was I not meant to be the one?

Where's the life I thought we would share?

And should I care?

And will someone else get more of you?

Will she go to sleep more sure of you?

Will she wake up knowing you're still there?

And why should I care?

There's always one to turn and walk away

And one who just wants to stay

But who said that love is always fair?

And why should I care?

Should I leave you alone here in the dark?

Holding my broken heart

While a promise still hangs in the air

Why should I care?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOAkbVDCC2g

[AG]

If we want to understand - and I personally think figuring this out goes a long way toward figuring ourselves out

Mmmm this sentence is a Gem. I'm going to save it somewhere.  

I interpreted him saying do they have antenna as a metaphor. Kinda meaning can they sort of sense that you are slipping away or about to move on. I have had this same exact feeling to be honest skip. I have changed my number and information and genuinely felt that I was finally moving on. I was still hurt and healing but never contacted her. Right around the time where I started to gain strength back and momentum and feel like some sort of breakthrough she showed up at my door in the middle of the night out of nowhere. Then my final recycle started. I felt that same exact feeling that it seems hes portraying in this post.

I do feel like we all obviously have to do focusing on an internal level that's for sure but I do feel external needs to be explored and talked about as well.

Where does inspiration come from for example? I can guarantee you that most people will say from within. Even though that is correct. I believe it's only half correct as inspiration comes from both a combination of internal sources and external sources together. I do think we need to find balance between using each resource but both play a part that is important. I understood exactly where he was coming from skip. I experienced the same exact emotion. The question was pretty raw in format but I've felt raw before too. I feel like this site is literally group therapy and getting all of our emotions out even through communication style or format that might be perceived as raw is as therapeutic as it can get. I owe alot to this site Skip for real. All these shared experiences help alot to know I'm not alone.

[Blimblam]

yeah it seems like it doesn't it.  But I think they just see stuff on your social network or hear word of you through the grapevine.

[Skip]

I interpreted him saying do they have antenna as a metaphor. Kinda meaning can they sort of sense that you are slipping away or about to move on. I have had this same exact feeling to be honest skip.

Did she sense that you were slipping away so she reached out to pull you back? Were you at the center of all this?

Or did something happen in the center of her life and since you were still available so she landed on you as a safe harbor?  And if not you, then the next safe harbor?

When people have someone in their life adore them, its an easy place to turn in a storm for comfort (or need).

Did it play like this?

Maybe for antony_james,  these two things didn't happen.  Either the storm or the feeling that he was a safe harbor.

[AG]

I interpreted him saying do they have antenna as a metaphor. Kinda meaning can they sort of sense that you are slipping away or about to move on. I have had this same exact feeling to be honest skip.

Did she sense that you were slipping away so she reached out to pull you back? Were you at the center of all this?

Or did something happen in the center of her life and since you were still available so she landed on you as a safe harbor?  And if not you, then the next safe harbor?

When people have someone in their life adore them, its an easy place to turn in a storm for comfort (or need).

Did it play like this?

Maybe for antony_james,  these two things didn't happen.  Either the storm or the feeling that he was a safe harbor.

":)id she sense that you were slipping away so she reached out to pull you back? Were you at the center of all this?

Or did something happen in the center of her life and since you were still available so she landed on you as a safe harbor?  And if not you, then the next safe harbor?"


MMMMMMM Preach on.

That is a damn good question to ask myself or anyone to ask themselves. You just sparked another thought in me. If I was a safe harbour then she knew that she had done wrong in my case and knew deep down I wasn't really to blame. Before she showed up I literally told her to stay out of my life and to never contact me again. I confronted her betrayal. I confronted her lies. I left her alone completely and did not look back at the time.

Ever sense something but can't explain it? Like your body is telling you something? Ever think of a friend and they happen to call you? There are things in this universe that I don't find coincidence. I strongly believe we are connected to it. I do believe sometimes we can sense certain things even if we cannot explain the sensation or put explanation into what we are sensing or why.

[SOOOdone]

I don't think this phenomena is exclusive in BPD relationships... . read any book on break-ups and there's always a chapter about "What To Do If They Try To Come Back."

I think it's pretty simple... . while we are taking the time to grieve and move on, the other party is taking the time to avoid any feelings of loss with whatever/whoever they can act out with.

Then, when there's a moment of loneliness and they're not triggered by the intimacy of a real relationship, they can remember all the good things about you and impulsively reach out.

And we often go back for similar reasons: We remember the good stuff and hope the not-so-good-stuff either is gone or we can "handle it" better THIS TIME.

My father went back a restaurant he had sworn off a year before because it had gotten so lousy. I asked why on earth did he go back if he knew how crappy it had become? He answered "I keep hoping maybe there's new management, a new chef... . but nope, same old crap. AND... . I keep FORGETTING how crappy it got and keep REMEMBERING the steaks how they USED to make them!"  

[antjs]

Maybe for antony_james,  these two things didn't happen.  Either the storm or the feeling that he was a safe harbor.

she is 29. her ex partners are all in their 40s and 50s. i am only 26 and the r\s lasted for 6 weeks. i kinda think i was more of a BPD rebound (BPD r\s intensity + normal rebound intensity imagine that blended in one). but then again to me BPD relations are all rebound like. in my case (i think she is very low functioning specially with partners) her longest r\s was her marriage which lasted 2 years including 8 months of devaluation and baby abortion. apart from being a rebound or not, i am not the father figure for her. i am young and was her first (younger) so probably she was just getting a taste from the fruit salad and she did not like it. i think she is back with her ex now (in his early 50s) but i am not sure though, she was grooming him (Triangulation) while she was still with me. so yes her safe harbors are the old daddy like men.

and yes i want her to attempt a recycle for rejection. very childish i know. but thats how i am feeling right now.

[Arminius]

Six weeks, think yourself lucky and get the hell out of her life.

Yes, the intensity makes this seem hard but the reality is it's a snippet of you life that must not affect your life. Come on Anthony, get out there and forget this crap.

[antjs]

Six weeks, think yourself lucky and get the hell out of her life.

Yes, the intensity makes this seem hard but the reality is it's a snippet of you life that must not affect your life. Come on Anthony, get out there and forget this crap.

yes i am lucky to be involved only for 6 weeks. i am digging deep now why i am so hurt for 4 months now after a bad\traumatic r\s of 6 weeks. its unbelievable. i have never mourned after a break up that strong and my past relationships were longer.

[Narellan]

Maybe it's more that their "fear" of the emotions you evoked has died down a bit. The flight mechanism is no longer controlling them... .

After 3 months NC and trying to replace me with my best friend, my BPD ex turned up on my doorstep last week. No idea why or what he wanted as I wasn't home and my son told him so. He hasn't come back, or attempted to contact me again in any way.

[Ritchie53]

I'll drop my penny's worth into this one.

Just a couple of notes, today is my birthday and I am now a fraction over 9 months out. Apart from a very brief horrible message 8 months ago there has been nothing, absolutely nothing. Your quest for a recycle attempt will subside, its hard on the non when a recycle keeps occurring but for those completely cut off for the new guy/girl in their lives, discarded like a piece of trash, never even mentioned again in a good light, I feel it takes a lot of soul searching to finally start coming to terms with the fact that they are unlikely to ever reconnect.

Try to forget an attempted recycle, I too put mine in her place by sending a message at break up point, the shame for her will prevent a recycle attempt, that I can be sure of. Its the most painful experience emotionally that you will ever encounter.

Now to some good news:-

It will pass and it will get better, its a process and eventually you will forget. 9 months down the line how do I feel? Just the odd day here and there that I reminisce, the occasional anger and rant over it, but focus has turned to me and my future, I have met someone else, been on amazing holidays, achieved stuff and am looking forward to the future where in the early days I couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed, I now have all my hobbies again and my creative side is returning.

Whats left? I still feel I want to hear that her new relationship went the same way, that it ended badly like ours, that all the tricks, and treacherywas all her doing and that she really is a very sick and cruel individual - once I get to the stage where I no longer care about her life and her relationships, future or otherwise, only then will I be 100% healed.

[Arminius]

It will pass and it will get better, its a process and eventually you will forget. 9 months down the line how do I feel? Just the odd day here and there that I reminisce, the occasional anger and rant over it, but focus has turned to me and my future, I have met someone else, been on amazing holidays, achieved stuff and am looking forward to the future where in the early days I couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed, I now have all my hobbies again and my creative side is returning.

Whats left? I still feel I want to hear that her new relationship went the same way, that it ended badly like ours, that all the tricks, treachery and Triangulation was all her doing and that she really is a very sick and cruel individual - once I get to the stage where I no longer care about her life and her relationships, future or otherwise, only then will I be 100% healed.

This is good. This is what you should expect . It will happen. I'm surprised at how rapidly the process snowballed for me, once it started. If any of my posts seem harsh, I don't mean to, but we all need to toughen up to get happy.

They.can.not.be.helped.

[Skip]

i am digging deep now why i am so hurt for 4 months now after a bad\traumatic r\s of 6 weeks. its unbelievable. i have never mourned after a break up that strong and my past relationships were longer.

What do you think it is all about?  She triggered something in you?

[Skip]

Continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227967.0