Quarter life crisis and ptsd

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i am digging deep now why i am so hurt for 4 months now after a bad\traumatic r\s of 6 weeks. its unbelievable. i have never mourned after a break up that strong and my past relationships were longer.

What do you think it is all about?  She triggered something in you?

Definitely. My therapist diagnosed me with quarter life crisis and ptsd. According to my therpist My life for the last 4 years has been taking a bad turn regarding career and family, friends immigrating and she appeared to be the only "good" in my life at that time and thats why i invested too much and fast in the r/s. Thats true but is it everything ? My therapist denied that i might be a rescuer/fixer, codependent or having childhood unresolved issues. But is he right ? He terminated me from therapy and said i have nothing and will be fine as soon as i get my new job in dubai. Less than a week ago i got the news of residency refusal i feel that i am processing the pain of some unresolved issues in the mask of the pain because of my ex. But i cant point out what are these unresoled issues (other than events in the lastfew years of unemployment, dad's sickness... . etc)

[antjs]

i am digging deep now why i am so hurt for 4 months now after a bad\traumatic r\s of 6 weeks. its unbelievable. i have never mourned after a break up that strong and my past relationships were longer.

What do you think it is all about?  She triggered something in you?

Definitely. My therapist diagnosed me with quarter life crisis and ptsd. According to my therpist My life for the last 4 years has been taking a bad turn regarding career and family, friends immigrating and she appeared to be the only "good" in my life at that time and thats why i invested too much and fast in the r/s. Thats true but is it everything ? My therapist denied that i might be a rescuer/fixer, codependent or having childhood unresolved issues. But is he right ? He terminated me from therapy and said i have nothing and will be fine as soon as i get my new job in dubai. Less than a week ago i got the news of residency refusal i feel that i am processing the pain of some unresolved issues in the mask of the pain because of my ex. But i cant point out what are these unresoled issues (other than events in the lastfew years of unemployment, dad's sickness... . etc)

[Skip]

Thats true but is it everything ?

If she was you relief from all these struggles... . that could be significant.

My therapist denied that i might be a rescuer/fixer, codependent or having childhood unresolved issues. But is he right ? He terminated me from therapy and said i have nothing and will be fine as soon as i get my new job in dubai.

What do you think?

[antjs]

Thats true but is it everything ?

If she was you relief from all these struggles... . that could be significant.

My therapist denied that i might be a rescuer/fixer, codependent or having childhood unresolved issues. But is he right ? He terminated me from therapy and said i have nothing and will be fine as soon as i get my new job in dubai.

What do you think?

In life i dont reach out and help people without them asking yet still i am a very helpful person if somebody asks for it. Before it was not very easy to say no out of "decency" but now i am more comfortable to say no. My boundaries before was not the strongest but i dont still allow anyone to overstep critical parts (even her). My childhood was not catastrophic but still my parents were critical on me. It is "normal" this way in the middle east thats why my therapist says it is ok. 

[Ihope2]

Hi Anthony_James, perhaps try googling information about "CEN" = Childhood Emotional Neglect.

This was, I am discovering, definitely a factor in my childhood.  And I come from German origin.

I have just ordered a book written by Alice Miller called the "Trauma of being  a Child".  I think in it she makes reference to the German culture traditionally, as having cold, disapproving and harsh methods and attitudes when it comes childrearing.  Perhaps something in your culture of origin is similar?

I believe all of this shapes us and comes to play in our intimate relationships.  In intimate relationships, we re-create the dynamics and themes that were going on in our childhood with our parents.  Attachment, abandonment, engulfment, seeking approval, seeking validation... .

[Whatwasthat]

Hi antony James 

I would just say don't underestimate the pain that can occur when we invest a lot in something or someone that seems full of hope when we're at a difficult stage in our own lives - and then lose that source of hope - but are still left with the great difficulties.

That was one of the key issues I faced when I felt a lot of pain at the end of a very brief relationship with someone with NPD/BPD traits.

I knew that I was having a tough time in my life at that point  - with health and with work issues. But I wasn't aware just how very vulnerable that made me. I really needed something 'good' and 'supportive'' to come along. And in fact a relationship materialised that appeared to be those things - but really wasn't - as I quickly discovered. I felt much worse because I'd had a glimpse of 'something good' - and then that disappeared - and worse still was shown to be a bit of a mirage.

I'm not saying that this is all that's going on with you. Only you (with the support of a T) can work that out. But don't mistake that one aspect of this pain for a small thing.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[antjs]

Hi antony James 

I would just say don't underestimate the pain that can occur when we invest a lot in something or someone that seems full of hope when we're at a difficult stage in our own lives - and then lose that source of hope - but are still left with the great difficulties.

That was one of the key issues I faced when I felt a lot of pain at the end of a very brief relationship with someone with NPD/BPD traits.

I knew that I was having a tough time in my life at that point  - with health and with work issues. But I wasn't aware just how very vulnerable that made me. I really needed something 'good' and 'supportive'' to come along. And in fact a relationship materialised that appeared to be those things - but really wasn't - as I quickly discovered. I felt much worse because I'd had a glimpse of 'something good' - and then that disappeared - and worse still was shown to be a bit of a mirage.

I'm not saying that this is all that's going on with you. Only you (with the support of a T) can work that out. But don't mistake that one aspect of this pain for a small thing.

Wishing you well. WWT.

yes WWT i invested too much and too early because it was the only "good" thing in my life at that phase. i had a lot of bad things going on in my life and it was a lot out of my control. what have made these issues unresolved, accumlating and burdening is that i did not mark them as out of my control. i was naive. she was honest about her past with relationships and men with a lot of red flags of marriages and abortions. i was naive to think that she has changed. i was naive to think that this was going so fast because she is now sure about what she wants and is not playing games, became mature and wants to have a true honest straight forward life after all these r\s. she pretended to have changed her values and cores to the good. she always show that she does not care about money (as i was earning less) and that love and simple life values are better than anything as she has "learned it the hard way". add that to the emotions of idealization and of course i was sucked in. but there was still the voice of intuition that warned me and i ignored it. my ego won.

still i was fortunate to expose her quickly. i was out after 6 days of devaluation. it was like a switch. i am still getting over the whole sudden situation even after 4 months. the sudden change. 2 or 3 weeks of up and then 2 weeks down the pit of hell. it was intense and quick. big part of my trauma is because of the quickness of events. yes i should not underestimate what i have been through. maybe the pain is just the pain of the break up it does not have to be something else. I should be kind to myself and stop over criticizing that much.

[Whatwasthat]

... .i had a lot of bad things going on in my life and it was a lot out of my control. what have made these issues unresolved, accumlating and burdening is that i did not mark them as out of my control... .

That's interesting. So do you mean that when you realised that these pressures and difficulties in your life were out of your control you started to feel less stressed by them?

[antjs]

... .i had a lot of bad things going on in my life and it was a lot out of my control. what have made these issues unresolved, accumlating and burdening is that i did not mark them as out of my control... .

That's interesting. So do you mean that when you realised that these pressures and difficulties in your life were out of your control you started to feel less stressed by them?

the BPD experience was a wake up call. I had to look back to see and know how did i get there with her. i found that these issues were unresolved for me because i was walking around with them as a burden. as soon as i thought about them (instead of running from them before the wake up call as i was numbing my feelings) i figured out that why am i doing that to myself ? why do i carry all these burdens ? its out of my control. I should have resolved these issues long way before. If i did then i would have never needed my ex that much. I would have never let her degrade me like that.