Why is closure so important? Why don't they give it?

[AG]

I battle alot most with the running aspect. I do see that it is common in BPD so I know Im not alone and from reading other stories I know It could have been even worse. She could have run off with kids or ran off with a large sum of money or other endless amounts of possibilities.

I had a analogy that I created the other day and had posted it in one of my replies to someone that I think describes the feeling very well.

If I were your best friend of years and I came over to your house to visit and you had me sit down on your couch. We get to talking and I ask you for a cup of juice. You have not done dishes yet but you had a mug available. You pour the juice in the Mug while telling me a back story of the Mug. You tell me that the Mug is very precious to you as your grandmother gave it to you before she died and that was one of the last things she gave you. After you pour the juice you tell me you have to go to the store and ask if I want something as well. I say no thanks for asking though. You say you'll be back in five minutes but feel free to make yourself at home. When you come back from the store the mug is smashed to pieces on the floor and I am no where to be found. You try to call me to figure out what the hell just happened to discover I am not picking up my phone. When you call a couple of times more you discover that you are now blocked from my phone.

You are now left to pick up the pieces. Is it the broken cup that devastates you or is it the running? I think of this analogy and in my case I strongly believe that if the person would stay and take responsibility and state they are sorry I would easily be able to just say its ok I know it was an accident and just clean the cup up and maybe even try to glue it back together but never use it for drinking again but just as sentimental value going forward. The running factor would probably cause you to be devastated for quite some time.  Something that is an inanimate object would probably cause so much pain at that point. It would ruin our friendship probably to the state of not ever being mended.

Flash out of the analogy now into reality. This is not a cup we are talking about. We are talking about something far more precious. We are talking about your heart and your mind. So I know the reason as to why I feel the way that I feel about the running or as I prefer to say cowardly action. I however find it difficult to understand sick or not as to why someone would do that and be able to look at themselves in the mirror everyday. In my case not sure about everyone elses she yearned for sympathy and yearned to be loved. She yearned to not be used and discarded. I had so much empathy for her situation. However these days I find it very difficult to have empathy for her. The empathy that I do have for her makes me angry at myself for even having. Maybe this is a venting session more then a question but I cannot understand cowardly behavior from someone who if the same were done to her by me would literally probably end up in the hospital again. Every ounce of empathy I had in the past seemed to be used against me and as my boundaries weakened  towards the ened my level of empathy increased and in return I metaphorically speaking got the bottom of her shoe as gratitude.  I hate the part of me that loves her. I hate the part of me that still cares. I hate the part of me that feels sorry for her. Anything that has to do with empathy in her case I hate that part.

When you talk about quote on quote normal people aka non codependent. Those people will literally hear BPD and say to themselves F*** that she is crazy and just leave her ass. No empathy for it just leave and abandon her. I've spoken with several friends and they do not have empathy at all for her. They are more along the lines of her ass is crazy just throw her away. This advice was given a long time ago. Just get rid of her crazy ass why are you trying to understand her. Why am I trying to understand her. Why do I have any ounce of care? Why Why Why? She does not deserve it. Therapist are there for that for her.

[Caredverymuch]

I battle alot most with the running aspect. I do see that it is common in BPD so I know Im not alone and from reading other stories I know It could have been even worse. She could have run off with kids or ran off with a large sum of money or other endless amounts of possibilities.

I had a analogy that I created the other day and had posted it in one of my replies to someone that I think describes the feeling very well.

If I were your best friend of years and I came over to your house to visit and you had me sit down on your couch. We get to talking and I ask you for a cup of juice. You have not done dishes yet but you had a mug available. You pour the juice in the Mug while telling me a back story of the Mug. You tell me that the Mug is very precious to you as your grandmother gave it to you before she died and that was one of the last things she gave you. After you pour the juice you tell me you have to go to the store and ask if I want something as well. I say no thanks for asking though. You say you'll be back in five minutes but feel free to make yourself at home. When you come back from the store the mug is smashed to pieces on the floor and I am no where to be found. You try to call me to figure out what the hell just happened to discover I am not picking up my phone. When you call a couple of times more you discover that you are now blocked from my phone.

You are now left to pick up the pieces. Is it the broken cup that devastates you or is it the running? I think of this analogy and in my case I strongly believe that if the person would stay and take responsibility and state they are sorry I would easily be able to just say its ok I know it was an accident and just clean the cup up and maybe even try to glue it back together but never use it for drinking again but just as sentimental value going forward. The running factor would probably cause you to be devastated for quite some time.  Something that is an inanimate object would probably cause so much pain at that point. It would ruin our friendship probably to the state of not ever being mended.

Flash out of the analogy now into reality. This is not a cup we are talking about. We are talking about something far more precious. We are talking about your heart and your mind. So I know the reason as to why I feel the way that I feel about the running or as I prefer to say cowardly action. I however find it difficult to understand sick or not as to why someone would do that and be able to look at themselves in the mirror everyday. In my case not sure about everyone elses she yearned for sympathy and yearned to be loved. She yearned to not be used and discarded. I had so much empathy for her situation. However these days I find it very difficult to have empathy for her. The empathy that I do have for her makes me angry at myself for even having. Maybe this is a venting session more then a question but I cannot understand cowardly behavior from someone who if the same were done to her by me would literally probably end up in the hospital again. Every ounce of empathy I had in the past seemed to be used against me and as my boundaries weakened  towards the ened my level of empathy increased and in return I metaphorically speaking got the bottom of her shoe as gratitude.  I hate the part of me that loves her. I hate the part of me that still cares. I hate the part of me that feels sorry for her. Anything that has to do with empathy in her case I hate that part.

When you talk about quote on quote normal people aka non codependent. Those people will literally hear BPD and say to themselves F*** that she is crazy and just leave her ass. No empathy for it just leave and abandon her. I've spoken with several friends and they do not have empathy at all for her. They are more along the lines of her ass is crazy just throw her away. This advice was given a long time ago. Just get rid of her crazy ass why are you trying to understand her. Why am I trying to understand her. Why do I have any ounce of care? Why Why Why? She does not deserve it. Therapist are there for that for her.

Because you cared and you loved. Thats why. We don't have this type of disordered thinking. Thats why we ruminate and wonder why this happened the way it did.  It make no logical sense when two people are growing together as close as we became with our ex's, to just be dropped on our heads like that without closure.  I agree with you, appropriate closure would allow us to have fond memories and allow some of our questions to have answers. It wont be provided. They only feel the hurt when they are the ones being left.  Not the other way around.  Thank goodness we are able to get the answers we seek and the support we so need here . Its heartbreaking when you cared about someone as much as we did. So many of us understand the way you feel because we feel it too. I hope your healing continues.

[LettingGo14]

When you talk about quote on quote normal people aka non codependent. Those people will literally hear BPD and say to themselves F*** that she is crazy and just leave her ass. No empathy for it just leave and abandon her. I've spoken with several friends and they do not have empathy at all for her. They are more along the lines of her ass is crazy just throw her away. This advice was given a long time ago. Just get rid of her crazy ass why are you trying to understand her. Why am I trying to understand her. Why do I have any ounce of care? Why Why Why? She does not deserve it. Therapist are there for that for her.

This is a very articulate question, AG.    As someone who was, ultimately, abandoned, and as someone who struggled to "figure it out" -- I appreciate what you are wrestling with.   My mind was stuck on the "why" of her running as well.

I got some clarity for myself in the posts of member named 2010.    I read most of the member's posts, and here's an excerpt of a very relevant one:

And the truth of the matter is that you’ve also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer loveable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are loveable. The disorder wouldn’t have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love- there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn’t, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you- you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now- it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship) An interaction with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up. Hope you keep posting.  

[BacknthSaddle]

^^^^^^^^^^

So much wisdom in this post. 

[rg1976]

Thank you for posting this. It is very helpful to me. It is exactly what I'm dealing with right now.

[AG]

When you talk about quote on quote normal people aka non codependent. Those people will literally hear BPD and say to themselves F*** that she is crazy and just leave her ass. No empathy for it just leave and abandon her. I've spoken with several friends and they do not have empathy at all for her. They are more along the lines of her ass is crazy just throw her away. This advice was given a long time ago. Just get rid of her crazy ass why are you trying to understand her. Why am I trying to understand her. Why do I have any ounce of care? Why Why Why? She does not deserve it. Therapist are there for that for her.

This is a very articulate question, AG.    As someone who was, ultimately, abandoned, and as someone who struggled to "figure it out" -- I appreciate what you are wrestling with.   My mind was stuck on the "why" of her running as well.

I got some clarity for myself in the posts of member named 2010.    I read most of the member's posts, and here's an excerpt of a very relevant one:

And the truth of the matter is that you’ve also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer loveable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are loveable. The disorder wouldn’t have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love- there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn’t, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you- you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now- it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship) An interaction with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up. Hope you keep posting.  

why



This is very well written and very well thought out. It literally sounds like something I would write . Thank You for posting. Im still torn though but I guess it simply is what it is and this is just the way Im going to feel right now.