Is jealousy of a non in a BPD relationship common?

[topknot]

There  were a number of times when all was going well he would, for instance,  send me a picture of a competitor of mine in the business world, and the text would say, "Look who is servicing our  next door neighbor - not you." I responded, yeah,  I know her, she is overpriced, , and I am confident in my clientele. He wrote back almost disappointed,  oh, well I am glad you know your competition. It was like he was jealous of what I have attained and wanted to rock my self assurance, totally for no reason. It struck me as so odd when we were doing fine. Why would you say that - it's hurtful.  Is this common?

[strong9]

I'm not sure if it is common, but it could just be he was an insecure ___hole.  That certainly sounds like it.

[OutOfEgypt]

My ex's mom remarked a few times (though, not knowing that her daughter has BPD or even half of the hell I went through) that she thought her daughter was jealous of me, and that is why she acted the way that she did.  In general, my experience with my uBPDexw has always been that she makes sure everybody around her only feels good about themselves (and that sparingly) when they are completely focused on her and giving her what she wants.  You aren't allowed to feel good about yourself or anything you do, in other words.  Everything is about knocking you down so that they feel a little bit better about themselves and most certainly in control.  Everything is about throwing you off, putting you on the defensive, making you feel unsure.  Everything.

[Angel86]

My ex/BPD acts jealous of a lot of things about me, such as when I started my driving lessons he himself can't drive so couldn't even wish me luck, just tutted and mumbled about some irrelevant crap or another... . He also relishes in any negativity I encounter, such as looking like the cat that got the cream when I had an argument with my sister and she said something negative about me that he hadn't thought of, then constantly used it against me in any argument between us after that. Even though it was a bs remark and besides that none of his business.

[Mutt]

Hi topknot,

You feel hurt from your ex's mean behavior  The text he sent and his response to you sounds like somethng a child would say, BPD is emotional developmental arrestment. I don't think it's jealousy, it's emotional immaturity.

[Angel86]

Hi topknot,

You feel hurt from your ex's mean behavior  The text he sent and his response to you sounds like somethng a child would say, BPD is emotional developmental arrestment. I don't think it's jealousy, it's emotional immaturity.

Emotional immaturity is a better definition I agree. I am new to the realisation my ex suffers from BPD and am trying to fully understand his actions/reactions the best I can to help make my decision to fully walk away or not and either way how to assist in his parenting of our son who I feel at 2 years of age has no bond with the father he's always lived with. Thanks for that

[mitchell16]

I myself think it to create and insecurity in the non. Why? I dont have a clue. My exBPDgf would say things like this all the time to me and it worked. To give you some examples. She was moving to new house, Myself and several of her friends a nd their husband was helping. I had just travelled across teh city nad move alot of stuff by myself, very heavy objects, brought them back to her new place, unloaded it by myself. After I was finished. Everyone took a break and was sitting talking  as group, one of her friends husband carried one small item into the house. My exBPDgf stated very loud so everyone could her that " she needed him to be her man" maybe she was joking but it did hit home.

another time she and i had attended a conference togther. we work in diffrent fields but they go hand in hand. one of my friends was instruction a workshop. I have numerous years of experience on this person, have had a much more successful career then him. I happy for him and we are good friends and he does an excellent job. After it was over we joined some other friends and was all talking. My exBPD went on and on about this guy. How great he was, how his story were just wonderful and he was such a successful person, etc. she didnt just mention it, it was the rest of the night. To I finally told her it was enough. She then said you are so jealous and insecure.

the list can go on and on. why they do this I have no idea. I think it just to make you as the non feel insecure about yourself.

[woodsposse]

I'm not sure if it is common, but it could just be he was an insecure ___hole.  That certainly sounds like it.

Yes, it is quite common.  There are a lot of insecurities with pwBPD (or any PD for that fact).  Not sure if I would go straight to putting them in an ___hole slot - that would tend to start to detract from understanding the disorder as well as our own part in the relationship. 

I have come to find that, yes, pwBPD aren't "insane" or "crazy"... . they know what they are doing and are adults (if we are talking about adults)... . but if at the core root of their behaviors is a personality disorder, labeling or categorizing them as insecure ___holes makes us (as nons) just as ___holeish as them.

That is to say... . yes, there is a certain degree of insecurities which manifest as being jealous (or even acting like ___holes).  There is no denying that.  But I would hope, especially at a site of support like this - we can look at a bigger picture.  One of overall wellness (as well as support and understanding) for both us (who have been so negatively affected) - as well as for them.  Empathy does really go a long way.   

[strong9]

That's fair woodsposse. I will try to keep that in mind. Admittedly, I still have moments of resentment for all of the lies and manipulation and the impact on my kids and me. I don't always depersonalize it effectively.

[woodsposse]

That's fair woodsposse. I will try to keep that in mind. Admittedly, I still have moments of resentment for all of the lies and manipulation and the impact on my kids and me. I don't always depersonalize it effectively.

That is totally understandable - and totally normal.  I know I was very hurt and bitter for a very long time coming out of my r/s which destroyed everything worked for and left me, literally, not knowing what to do or where to turn next.

Most days, these days, are much better than they were before, but I still have moments where things creep in and I still get a little torqued.  I also know that is a normal part of the process.

Stong9, I hope your moments come further and fewer inbewteen.  I'm not sure of your experiences, but if it is like a lot of ours here... . we are all in the same boat and I know how difficult it can be.  But I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.   

[strong9]

Thanks! I've already started that process and can have days of pure bliss.  It is a far cry from where I was before so that's progress! I've learned to lean in to the feelings instead of running away from them.

Unfortunately, we are still married as she has left the country and always delays her return.  Keeping me and the kids in limbo is the ultimate form of control for a woman who up until 2 years ago was a stay at home people pleasing waif who obviously kept her false image going very well. It is only when I did some digging and the facade fell that she started this behavior.

Meanwhile I continue to pay for her rent and car that I got her in good faith so she could start therapy as she claimed, build a life back in the US and once again become an involved mother. I feel , like our MC said, a book that she picks off the shelf when needed. I'm almost always angry when I realize I didn't set boundaries but project that anger on her instead of myself, as you so correctly called out above.

But this board and 2010's posts in particular are a tremendous help. Today is turning in to a good day.

[woodsposse]

 

I like good days. 

Like yourself, I too had boundaries - but I let a lot of them get over run and banged up... . and there towards the end, things just imploded to an epic proportion.  The rupture was legendary (well, in my world... . but pretty common amongs the members here).  Unfortunately, I didn't "know" half the things I know now about personality disorders, depression, anxieties and the like... . nor did I fully put my finger on the "why" I allowed things to go the way they did.

Welp, unless someone has Flux Capacitor building instructions (or a TARDIS we can borrow)... . can't go back and rewrite history.  So had to do something to come to an understanding and acceptance of what happened and figure out how to move forward.

Like I said... . I like good days.  Good days are cool.

How old are your children?  I'm sure the roller coaster ride can't be too good for them right about now.  Outside of MC... . how is your other support network?  Friends, family, etc? 

[strong9]

We should definitely compare notes! Mine has been an amazing crash (one that on good days like today I actually can laugh at). I actually wouldn't go back in time if I could. Despite the pain I know the growth that will come from this will be invaluable. Just my growth over the past 10 months I've been back home has been a God send.

It makes me feel good to see you are an Ambassador of the site. It means to me you've grown through this place which is great for you and hope for others. Congratulations on that.

The MC is over because once was enough for the wife to realize she wouldn't get a free pass. I do have my own counselor who also concurs with the MC that she has many BPD traits. I have a few friends and family to rely on so I'm in pretty good shape.

My kids are doing fairly well, thanks. They do feel abandoned and my daughter has her bad days so I'm on guard for that.  They have counseling too and I go to great lengths to validate them (6, 11 and 13 yrs old).  I'm on paid leave so I get to devote my time to them and provide for them at the same time. Enjoying it while it lasts.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't all fun and games and there are challenges ahead.  But I feel blessed compared to many as my infrastructure, my education, my job and my family have made it easier to take stock and live life without falling apart. God forbid I wasn't back home in my hometown in the US. Deciding to move back last year in the midst of the storm was the best decision I made and a boundary I did enforce! She didn't come and took my kids with her but after 2 months sent them to me.

[Unique135]

Yes, I would hide many of my accomplishments from my exBPDbf because he would give me the silent treatment if I told him about anything good in my life.  He would initiate contact to only hear about the negative things in mt life.  I went for a new job interview, was excited and told him about it and his only response was that I would not get the job (I didn't). He hated hearing about my great childhood stories and the times I spent with my parents and siblings.  I could never mention anything about my childhood, my education, my friends, etc.  He would always put me down to feel good about himself.  He would even stop himself from complimenting my appearance. I was literally walking on eggshells with him.

[woodsposse]

 

Waaaayyyyy back in the day, when I had no concept of what I was dealing with - I made the "mistake" one day when my (then GF... . soon Wife, now ex Wife) picked me up from work and told me she got a raise at work of, i dunno... . fifty cents an hour... . which I thought was awesome... . but - I had just been offered a job which doubled my salary (to the tune of about 20K a year... . a major financial shot in the arm).

Talk about taking the wind out of her sails.

I didn't mean to over shadow her raise.  I didn't know someone was going to offer me a job that day which doubled my (then) current salary.  I was happy.  I thought she would be too.  But it didn't quite work out that way.

As fact would have it - when I doubled my salary yet again a few years later... . it didn't go over too well.  Now, I was working too much and not paying enough attention to her.  Oh, she didn't mind spending the money.  She really liked that part.  But... . well, you know where I'm going with this.

And... . even when our marriage finally ruptured to hell... . and she left when I didn't have a job and no visable means to support myself and she took the car  and stuff... . I was still able to secure a good job and get on my feet relatively quickly (yeah... . she didn't like that part too much either).  But hey... . I gotta do what I gotta do.

Just thought I'd share.