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Author Topic: Broke NC, attempted to recycle myself. If you are thinking about it, read this  (Read 375 times)
x1985x

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32



« on: June 29, 2014, 09:25:16 PM »

Me and my BP/BPDexgf of six years split in April. I moved out of her house in the country a month later and I now live in the city with friends. During that month I lived there while making arrangements to move, everything was civil and we remained friendly, although I told her I didn't want to be friends after I had moved. I knew she would move on to the next "lucky" guy the minute I moved and I wasn't going to be in that position. She didn't see anyone during that month and basically just came home from work everyday and sat on the couch, sometimes hanging out and watching movies with me, having dinner, normal roommate stuff. We didn't have sex and I didn't ask her to be mine again. Totally casual. Fake as hell, but casual.

I went NC the day I moved out. I never even had the urge to contact her, frankly I couldn't care less what she was doing, or who with. She is far and away the most toxic and confusing person I have ever known. I was happy as could be to be out of there after almost seven LONG years. She did text me once, to tell me about some mail she forwarded to me as I hadn't yet changed my address, that was it. Basically NC for about 6 weeks.

Then, I had a really stupid idea after a hard day. I had been doing very well with NC, as I said, no urge to contact her whatsoever. I started working out much harder than ever, riding my bike everyday, hanging out with friends, making new friends... . I did everything I could. I lost about 30 pounds. I got a new job at a sandwich place, which turned out to be awesome because a few weeks later they promoted me to manager. I had some tough days here and there, but mostly felt great about my new life. I think this is mainly due to the sheer amount of times we have broken up and gotten back together. The first time hurt like nothing else. This being the 50th or so time, it only stung a bit.

Anyway, this particular day was one of my hardest yet and I just couldn't get her off my mind. Something inside me just kept telling me to reach out to her. I thought foolish things like, "maybe she hasn't been seeing anyone else yet." "Maybe she still cares." "Maybe NC and me actually moving out has made her miss me."

You guys know those feelings, I'm sure. So I sent her a very simple email. Something like... .

Hey (her name),

It's been a while since I heard from you. I know how busy you are with work (she's a full-time nanny for two families. Yeah, wrap your head around that one. She helps raise 5 children) and everything, I just wanted to say hello and that I hope you are doing well. I understand if you aren't interested in responding, just know that I haven't forgotten about you.

That's all. Not too crazy, maybe too many words but whatever right? I wasn't sure if she would respond at all. She usually paints me blacker than black when we end things. She did respond though, about 20 minutes later. She said that things were not going well for her. She had basically lost BOTH jobs and was really stressed about money. She didn't go into detail about why she lost them, just said that all she had were some hours on the weekend helping one of the two families. She was really hurting for money and said everything had "hit the fan."

I responded... .

That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. I have been working like crazy, just got a new job. I'm here for you if you need anything. If you ever need to get away, or just want a free lunch sometime, give me a call. I would love to hear from you.

I know, I know. I f__ked up with that. While we were together she was always running into money issues (impulsive as they come) and I loaned her money regularly. I didn't mind because she always paid me back quickly and it was never a large amount.

So she responded back... .

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm looking for a new job. I'm glad you found work so quickly. I hope all is well with you. We should have lunch together in the near future and catch up. Is there anything in particular on your mind?

Ok. This is where I shot myself in the face. I took this response ALL WRONG. I thought, "ok, she is open to having lunch with me, she clearly isn't seeing anyone." I took her asking me if anything was on my mind as my way back in. I figured on some level she had to know what was on my mind, it was her. So, my idiotic response went something like this... .

There are some things on my mind. I have been wondering if you miss me, if you still care about me. I have a very strong bond with you and it's been hard to just turn that off for good. I still care about you very much and I just wonder what it would be like to date again, living separately, without all that extra stress and intensity. I want us both to be happy, either in or out of each other's lives. I don't know where you are in life these days, but this is how I've been feeling. Take your time and get back to me.

This is where she stopped responding. It took her two days and finally my phone rang in the evening. What she told me, frankly, blew me away.

She told me about how she had gone to the beach and slept with some random drug dealer. Their first date was to a music festival to sell drugs together. She told me about how he liked really gross sex (let's just say it involved her Aunt Flo) and it was weird, of course, she let it happen. So, that relationship ended after a week or so, he said he didn't want to travel back and forth to see her as it would be too expensive. (In reality, he got what he wanted and had no use for her.) She also told me about how she was now a drug dealer, to make ends meet. She said it was no big deal. She also said that she didn't care about him at all and was already talking to a new guy.

Life is so much stranger than fiction, I swear to god. I couldn't make up a story so twisted if I tried. This is SO out of character for her. She NEVER was into sex while Aunt Flo was visiting, neither was I because, yeah, gross. She never did any drugs while with me other than smoking weed. Now she sells all kinds of stuff and is in WAY over her head. She went from a nanny to a drug dealer overnight. She slept with some sleazy dude in a disgusting way. She is using the drugs as well. She is drinking a lot also, we NEVER drank while together. I come from a family of drunks and I'm really not into it, neither was she, ever. She was proud of these things, you should have heard her. She said she was on a "voyage of self discovery," and it felt good. Really? So you've discovered that you are nasty, reckless, and irresponsible. Good for you. I shudder to think what else she'll "discover" in the coming months. I was so blown away at how casually she laid these things out for me, laughter in her voice.

It wasn't all negative. She said that she still cared about me and that we would always be a part of each other's lives blah blah blah, I really didn't hear much after those bombs she dropped.

The moral of this long story is... . if you are thinking of reaching out, DON'T! Chances are you really don't want to know what they are up to. Chances are they will gross you out, shock you, and make you question even further how someone so pretty and childlike could be this f__ked in the brain. They truly are though.

Stay NC my friends. For the love of god, cherish it.

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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2014, 11:58:20 PM »

She said she was on a "voyage of self discovery," and it felt good.



Sounds more like a voyage of self destruction.

It's amazing how pwBPD can be self-centered to this degree. You asked her if she would like to date you again. She responds by telling you about her nasty sex experiences with other people instead. Who does that? I'd just count your blessings your away from her. You going NC again or what? If your going to be friends, be careful of hanging with her since she's a drug dealer now. Watch yourself.

Sorry you had to go through that.
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Sputmonkey

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 14



« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2014, 11:46:32 AM »

That's terrible! I would agree with AwakenedOne. She obviously is trying to cope with all this stress in the wrong ways, and I believe if she had the chance she would bring you into that world to help her because she knows you're the "good guy" to fall back on. Don't give her the satisfaction of wanting to make you feel bad for her, my friend. She will only tear you up to shreds again when given the chance. I have a S2 with my ex-BPD girlfriend. She is now in a terrible relationship with a bad influential guy who has no future written for him and he's 24 years old.

You're doing the right thing by continuing NC.

Good luck!
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2014, 12:41:14 PM »

Ok. This is where I shot myself in the face. I took this response ALL WRONG. I thought, "ok, she is open to having lunch with me, she clearly isn't seeing anyone." I took her asking me if anything was on my mind as my way back in. I figured on some level she had to know what was on my mind, it was her. So, my idiotic response went something like this... .

There are some things on my mind. I have been wondering if you miss me, if you still care about me. I have a very strong bond with you and it's been hard to just turn that off for good. I still care about you very much and I just wonder what it would be like to date again, living separately, without all that extra stress and intensity. I want us both to be happy, either in or out of each other's lives. I don't know where you are in life these days, but this is how I've been feeling. Take your time and get back to me.

If you've been NC for awhile, then there are some positives that can come from a relapse.  First, you learn that this person lives an utterly chaotic life regardless of whether you are present or absent.  It reminds you that it's ultimately not about you and can help you to depersonalize more easily.  At least I have found this to be the case.  It helps to get rid of the "maybe it was just me" thoughts, should those thoughts have been nagging you. 

It's also confirms for you that you can't just have regular, casual contact.  It sounds like you already knew that, and that you intended to go the "I wonder if you still care about me route" from the beginning. But, personally I have found that, whjen I have initiated contact under the guise of just wanting to know what she was up to or how her family was or really any guise at all, it really always ends up here and I always feel like s***.  So, now I don't bother anymore. 

She said that she still cared about me and that we would always be a part of each other's lives blah blah blah, I really didn't hear much after those bombs she dropped.

I don't know what others will think, but this is a fundamentally borderline thing to me, and it's something that my ex has said in various forms since the break.  If you think about it, here are the people who are actually "always part of your life:"

1) Your parents

2) Your children

3) Your spouse IF everything goes well

4) MAYBE if you are very lucky one or two close friends and probably no more than three

Literally EVERYONE else comes into your life and goes out.  This is completely natural.  It is just the way of life. Who seriously think that an EX of any kind will ALWAYS be a part of their life. If they wanted the ex to ALWAYS be a part of their life, why are they broken up?  This line is borderline code for "I want this attachment in my back pocket to use in case of emergency." 

Just remember: you will not "always be a part of her life" unless YOU want to be.  Nothing is fated.  You can get away from her, get out of her back pocket as it were, no matter what she said. 

After one post-breakup interaction during which my ex was particularly unpleasant to me and I, outside of my character, called her on it (actually called her a name, which I have never done with her or any other woman I've been in a relationship with), she said "look, we always said our relationship would have ups and downs.  We're just at a down period now."

No.  No more up periods. No more down periods.  No more periods of any kind.  I can make that choice. 
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x1985x

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Posts: 32



« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2014, 04:15:48 PM »

Thanks for the responses everyone. I'm going NC again and I'm going to keep it that way. I was weak and I should have known it would be a mess, everything with her is.

It was helpful to realize that her life has gone right back to what it was before we met, pure chaos and turmoil. She really sounded happy too, like she believes it's a good thing or what she's meant to be doing at the moment. She can move from guy to guy so easily, it's really hard to try and understand that. It puts things into perspective though. If it's so easy to drop someone, or ignore yourself being dropped, how much can you really care? Is there ever a real connection outside her mind? I wonder what it was about me that lasted so long.

I would certainly not want to date her again at this point, or even be her friend. I would have given it a shot if she hadn't already moved into something new, but that wasn't the case. We have nothing in common anymore. She really is on a downward trajectory, I just hope she doesn't end up dead, diseased, or in jail. She can be a great person when she is grounded.

I think it's just her way of coping. Drugs, attention from multiple guys in a short time, dirty sexual encounters... . somehow they help her detach from her failed relationship with me.
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