5 Months Post Split

[Turkish]

I feel like keeping pictures of them is like inviting them back into your life somehow.

I certainly don't want that to happen again! I admit there are probably some in my storage unit, but it is very good that there are none in my apartment.

Mine invited herself back to my house today to help take care of D2 who broke her collarbone friday under her mom's care. She left in Feb. I politely declined her offer of splitting a night "shift." I reminded her I operate well on little sleep (the opposite of her, who needs that sleep "reset". D2 is tough and doing well, I get her and S4 back tomorrow. I know she s being nice, but for me to invite her back will trigger me. Boundaries... .

I don't sense a recycle, but I need to keep my boundaries strong to remain emotionally safe. A member here reminded me to put on my Turkish Hat when dealing with her, that helps. It was all about D2. Mindefulness... . I'm still angry about her cheating, abandonment and being with her young narcissist. This helps, focusing on what needs to be done in the moment: taking care of our daughter.

I like to think I don't "stuff" my emotions, though there is some of that. She is nice to me these days (facebook forever blocked! I don't need the triggers). I like to think that she is mirroring my behaviors, not triggering her (and I still have all these angry things I'd like to say, but they'd make no difference), and that helps.

D2's accident blew my plan about not seeing their mom for a couple of months(this was the first time in over a month), but it was ok.

I have no control over her, and time marches inexorably forward, so I am left only with myself and my feelings. I'm still learning to deal, but it's getting better. I haven't been here much lately, but thanks to everyone who supported me throughtout the darkest fall and winter before she left.

[Mutt]

Poor D2    Her inviting herself back is inappropriate behavior, no need to justify why to her. I'm sorry it's triggering and understandable with a request like that. She's disassociated her behaviors and she thinks it's normal it doesn't validate your hurt feelings. It's one of the most difficult behavior I found to become indifferent to. You want to shake your head and are gobsmacked sometimes. Give it time for your heart to catch up with your head. Good job with the boundaries and giving yourself a buffer for heart and head to catch up.

[Turkish]

Poor D2    Her inviting herself back is inappropriate behavior, no need to justify why to her. I'm sorry it's triggering and understandable with a request like that. She's diassociated her behaviors and she thinks it's normal. Boundaries. Stand your ground.

Thanks Mutt. Maybe it's her co-dependent traits, I don't know. She said Sat morning she almost called me to come over (Sat was the first time I'd been to her new apartment). The most disturbng thing I saw was that she keeps two of the four journals  I returned to her sitting out on her book shelf. The kids are young, but they can never find them. I should have tossed or burned them.

[Tausk]

Hey Turk:

Thanks for posting.  I'm sorry for D2.  But I'm glad that you mentioned that she's doing OK.  I hope you're able to take care of yourself and breathe.  So many emotions and so many triggers.  Including a re-engagement attempt.  

Detach and Depersonalize.  It sounds like you're doing your best to only respond in a manner that will result in what is best for your daughter.  She is blessed to have you.  There's not doubt how much you love her.

And that's where the blessings of the gifts of the Board bear fruit.  It's brought me awareness of the who I am, how to live, and the tools that are available.

[Mutt]

You're welcome Turk. You're holding down your casa right with your little ones. You got it covered. What's the utmost importance is D2 and whatever she needs. If she's using this for a reason to be close to an attachment it's sad or she could be sincere. Your actions as a father reflects that you are a father that is present, competent, caring and great father. Your actions speak for themselves. I'm surprised she thought you needed help? I think it was an opportunity for her.

Do you mean travel logs for kids you send back and forth for exchanges when you say journals?

[Turkish]

Thanks guys for the support. It's weird, but I feel like defending her to you! What's up with that? Some of my friends gave me flack as it seemed to them like I was doing it to them. FOG? Maybe... . I won't do it here. You all understand.

Yes, Mutt, it is weird. I could look at it as she being nice (which it is), and also her trying to re-attach because she gets that I don't want to see her, as I've orchestrated not seeing her for the last 6 weeks. Where's she going to slerp, on the couch again like she did fir 5 months while she was seeing her bf? NO.

I was set to go out of town this weekend, then this happened. She said she was sorry my plans were ruinec several times (Waif?). I said yesterday that my feelings towards her didn't matter, that it was about our kids.

She brought them to church today. The message was about demnstrating our faith by loving our enemies,and people we didn't like. The message was certainly for me. I don't view her as an enemy, but I don't like her. I watched her, then the FOG set in a little, like, "why did I give this up? Why wasn't I better?" Guilt.

Then I remembered it all and quit those thoughts. I'm dealing with a Disorder, no matter how "transparent" she seems now. She's undiagnosed, but I can't forget what she did, nor the things she wrote in her journals (which supported my armchair dX). I confess I still have "a love" fir her, as she cruellly confessed to me on her side in November, but I can never forget.

[Mutt]

She brought them to church today. The message was about demnstrating our faith by loving our enemies,and people we didn't like. The message was certainly for me. I don't view her as an enemy, but I don't like her.  

To be honest Turk, I can't stand mine either. She triggers PTSD when I see her and it's the "as if nothing happened" look on her face at the exchanges. It triggers feelings of resentment about the affair. It doesn't validate how I feel. I think it will pass in time though. The goal is to be indifferent but the wounds are fresh.

I believe in loving enemies and people we don't like too. I orchestrate my good deeds towards her in the background (guiding her firstborn that she's neglected)   that she will never reciprocate because she's sick. I disengage and don't enable the behaviors in the hopes she hits rock bottom and that triggers some self-awareness so she helps herself and asks for professional help, because I care. She's the mother to my kids.

The goal is to be indifferent to the behaviors but the wounds are fresh. Liking them may take a long time realistically, to a point where you can have a gathering and invite her over. She's still a person with feelings with a disorder, but she hurt you. She owns that and she's accountable for her actions. You have a right to feel the way you do and I don't think it quantifies as not loving your enemy. Extending the olive branch is asking for emotional abuse right now.

I forgive my ex for her abusive demeanor and ways but I didn't forget and I won't recycle either. There's someone out there for you that will respect you Turk. Your too good of a man for anything less.

[Turkish]

I could forgive the cheating, but all but throwing her r/s in my face for four months until it took to get her out of the house (where I took care of the kids more) was over the top.

That's the kicker. She couldn't help it, the love addiction, but I still need to hold her responsible for her actions,.as they hurt me greatly. I'll never get true.closure from her, I need to give it to myself. I was thinking at church today, "I am still not accepting this r/s is over." This is despite her ending us the middle of last August, me "officially" ending it the first week in October, and she finally moving out in Feb. I know we talk about radical acceptance, and the 10 Beliefs article, but I think I am still stuck trying to process that we are done.

Forever.

[Mutt]

I could forgive the cheating, but all but throwing her r/s in my face for four months until it took to get her out of the house (where I took care of the kids more) was over the top.

That's the kicker. She couldn't help it, the love addiction, but I still need to hold her responsible for her actions,.as they hurt me greatly. I'll never get true.closure from her, I need to give it to myself. I was thinking at church today, "I am still not accepting this r/s is over." This is despite her ending us the middle of last August, me "officially" ending it the first week in October, and she finally moving out in Feb. I know we talk about radical acceptance, and the 10 Beliefs article, but I think I am still stuck trying to process that we are done.

Forever.

Turk if its any consolation it took me a year to accept that it's over. Your grieving, the final stage is acceptance. You're not stuck. Grieve brother 

[Turkish]

I could forgive the cheating, but all but throwing her r/s in my face for four months until it took to get her out of the house (where I took care of the kids more) was over the top.

That's the kicker. She couldn't help it, the love addiction, but I still need to hold her responsible for her actions,.as they hurt me greatly. I'll never get true.closure from her, I need to give it to myself. I was thinking at church today, "I am still not accepting this r/s is over." This is despite her ending us the middle of last August, me "officially" ending it the first week in October, and she finally moving out in Feb. I know we talk about radical acceptance, and the 10 Beliefs article, but I think I am still stuck trying to process that we are done.

Forever.

Turk if its any consolation it took me a year to accept that it's over. Your grieving, the final stage is acceptance. You're not stuck. Grieve brother 

Was it over last Aug when she told me? Or in early Oct when I called it done, "technically" but Narc Boy wouldnt leaver her alone. Or when she finally moved out early Feb.

Four days before she moved out, she texted me if it were ok she went to the gym. I said yes. She showed up 43 mins after the gym closed, literally around the corner. D2 was throwing up, S4 had a sudden onset of a fever (no exaggeration, I had a thermometer). She neglected our kids for her love addiction. She knew the kds were sick, I told her. But I gave her "permission" to work out. Was I being passive aggressive? I don't think so. She showed me the real her... she is doing better now (for now), but I can never forget her neglect of our children.

[Mutt]

No matter what you say she will disassociate about narc boy and project. An emotional / physical affair is an affair. A sacred bond was broken. You held up your end of the deal. She's promiscuous and same goes for mine. She'll throw up FOG to justify the affair. Take her back and she'll be promiscuous again.

You weren't passive aggressive D2 and S4's mother is sick, it's not your fault she's narcissistic.  She made her choice to go the gym and narc boy, she was negligent. That's where you come in because you're a responsible adult. If it wasn't narc boy it's someone else. There's absolutely nothing we can do and we can't rewrite our histories. You pulled the trigger on something that was bad. You made a hard choice and there's nothing passive aggressive about that. Don't beat yourself up over it. It had to be done. A pwBPD push the ones that care the most about them away.

[Turkish]

You weren't passive aggressive D2 and S4's mother is sick, it's not your fault she's narcissistic.  She made her choice to go the gym and narc boy, she was negligent. That's where you come in because you're a responsible adult. If it wasn't narc boy it's someone else. There's absolutely nothing we can do and we can't rewrite our histories. You pulled the trigger on something that was bad. You made a hard choice and there's nothing passive aggressive about that. Don't beat yourself up over it. It had to be done. A pwBPD push the ones that care the most about them away.

I know. When I was holding her, she said, "what if this hapens again? What if I can't get the love back?" I processed what she said for a minute, then I said, " then its over." Cue big argument where she channled Queen...

That's half a year past.

I'm accepting she has major uBPD traits, but I'm still a bit in the FOG, I guess. Obviously seeing her this weekend triggered it. NC/LC is good for a boundary, but I need to do mote work on myself.

[Mutt]

I'm accepting she has major uBPD traits, but I'm still a bit in the FOG, I guess. Obviously seeing her this weekend triggered it. NC/LC is good for a boundary, but I need to do mote work on myself.

The FOG ebbs and flows. This weekend triggered FOG.

[goldylamont]

it's easier now to be in the FOG a bit, you know b/c your x is now behaving nicely. and honestly it's harder to hold onto the whole reality of the situation when someone is being kind, albeit only in the moment.

Turkish, i went through a lot of hell like you having to live with the ex (and partially support her) while she "fell in love" with some guy, threw it in my face and plastered it over facebook too--it's kind of why i really connected with your story. Yet you have two beautiful children in this situation so i know it's even a tougher road. and i'm saying this not to reopen any wounds, but to let you know that it hasn't even been a year for you yet to get some breathing room. Turkish i was still having what i called 'rolling depressions' which would last 3-5 days--over 15 months after breaking up with my ex. and this had been with at least 6 months NC. i know it sounds crazy, but i didn't even realize i was having these until a friend of mine simply told me "maybe your depressed?". this was last summer actually when i had the last major one of these, with still some mini-ones occurring here and there for months afterwards. it takes a long time to purge all of this out of your system.

so just know that where you are at right now--that you are making progress. great progress. even if it doesn't feel so in the moment you are making progress. because--it has to be. because this is the nature of things. it is a natural law. what i mean is that i feel your fight and i can tell that you are going about things in an extremely honorable manner. and that's all you can do. even with setbacks and mess ups on your part, the overall arc of your life for the past few months are painted with strength and dignity on your part. the bad feelings will come, have to come out. just like if we drink too much liquor we may have to get sick to our stomach and purge to protect us. so, it takes time, much more time than we may think is necessary for total healing to occur. but not only will it occur, it is occurring. your attachment to her will even strengthen some in the future, but then diminish again, yet you will be that much stronger to deal with this when it happens. i can see it in your perspective in this post even that you are further along than you were before. you are more aware when you may be defending her. you are aware of the FOG more. and as always, you are a rock for your children.

have you ever been sick, or had an eye twitch, or start hiccuping, and then you had an irrational fear of "what if this never stops happening!" this has happened to me before. logically i know this is minor but the mind panics a bit at the horror of having an eye twitch for the rest of your life. it's horrible in the moment. but, you know, it passes. and this is how i started to look at my recovery. i had terrible fears that the horrible pain i was having would last forever. yet i think for me understanding the time dynamic and measuring progress in *years* not months is what helped to calm this fear. it sure didn't feel like i would ever feel better though. so, think in terms of years, not months and hopefully this may bring some peace. October for you will be an important milestone. you will still feel everything but you will know internally, without a doubt that there is progress. Feb 2015 then 2016 more and more layers would have floated away. i hope this helps.

[goldylamont]

also, regarding loving your enemy -- it's important to know that you drawing firm boundaries and not letting your xw sleep over IS and act of love. why? because you will not be able to show true love and compassion for her until you are truly stronger and safer in your own resolve. when her actions cannot hurt you any more, then you can show love whether she is your enemy or not. she can't hurt you, so you are safe to do as you please. you taking the space you need to heal is absolutely an act of love for yourself, AND thus an act of love for her and for your children who need you. do not feel guilty about this.

i am a visual person, very much so. i tend to 'see' things that i feel. about a week ago you know what i saw? actually it's been coming back to me several times for the past week or so. i see a small rectangular sliver. about the size of a piece of Trident gum. it's paper thin, reflective and shiny like polished titanium. and it sits in my head toward the front a couple inches behind my forehead. it's razor sharp, shiny and tiny. i can 'see' it when i mediate sometimes. this represents the last of my attachments to my ex, now over two years out. and if i were to pull it out as it is it could cut up my insides. so, i am doing two things to this little 'razor' if you will. one, i am surrounding it with love--this is very hard. and two i am trying to push it out of my head, all covered in a thick, soft coating of love, so that it doesn't cut. and i meditated on this for a while and you know what--i kind of was able to push it out in front of me a few inches for a while, but not really, it was just a shadow of it. it's still there. but seeing this small sharp piece and being able to surround it and work it and juke it about is very powerful for me. i *know* one day i will be able to work it out of my head, so i'll keep at it. i think for me this is my work of loving my enemy in action. but it has taken a while for me to get here (years  ).

apologies if this sounds very far-out. i'm not sure if it's easy to identify with this as our minds all work in different ways. just know that i realize it may be weird! but i've been wanting to write this out and share it and your posting about loving your enemy was the connecting metaphor i needed to write it out. i went through all encompassing rages though where i would have to send out piercing bolts of energy or dump all of my hate out, send flames out and burn and stomp images that i held dear. i needed to destroy something. so now it's just this stupid little paper thin razor thing and i just have to put a fat wollop of love on it and push it out. progress? or is this kid just cray? 

[Blimblam]

Turkish,

I understand your feeling of needing to defend them.  It is so strange it is like something deeply ingrained into my being.  I feel like half the time I post on here I am betraying not only her but myself.  Like I am still clinging to hope deep inside that its a spectrum disorder and she is capable of having a loving LTR but somehow I failed and that I am not good enough.  I realize that clinging to this hope only serves the purpose to undermine my own self esteem.  When loving another is the betrayal of ones own self. It is just so twisted.

Thank you Turkish you are not alone.

[myself]

You fell in love. Splash! It ripples out... .

You break up. Splash! It ripples out... .

You're letting go of so many things at once.

It's harder to detach when we still care.

Boundaries occur when we turn the mirrors towards ourselves.

Freedom occurs when we need to look into them less often.

[strong9]

This whole string hurts me to my core. Turkish, my situation is much like yours, down to offering to be helpful and nice. And I hate her for it. I feel your pain and I'm right here with you.  Thank you for starting this thread and awakening pain in me that I had been hiding away until now. You are helping yourself and others and it will get better.

[strong9]

Turkish,

I understand your feeling of needing to defend them.  It is so strange it is like something deeply ingrained into my being.  I feel like half the time I post on here I am betraying not only her but myself.  Like I am still clinging to hope deep inside that its a spectrum disorder and she is capable of having a loving LTR but somehow I failed and that I am not good enough.  I realize that clinging to this hope only serves the purpose to undermine my own self esteem.  When loving another is the betrayal of ones own self. It is just so twisted.

Thank you Turkish you are not alone.

That's it. I feel if I was better (emotionally, physically, sexually) she wouldn't have abandoned me for someone else and neglected the kids. All of the sudden I feel like like a lower and a failure. How could she just keep leaving the kids and me like that knowing that what she was doing would cause so much pain. We're we really that unworthy that we were deserving of this behavior?

[Blimblam]

Turkish,

I understand your feeling of needing to defend them.  It is so strange it is like something deeply ingrained into my being.  I feel like half the time I post on here I am betraying not only her but myself.  Like I am still clinging to hope deep inside that its a spectrum disorder and she is capable of having a loving LTR but somehow I failed and that I am not good enough.  I realize that clinging to this hope only serves the purpose to undermine my own self esteem.  When loving another is the betrayal of ones own self. It is just so twisted.

Thank you Turkish you are not alone.

That's it. I feel if I was better (emotionally, physically, sexually) she wouldn't have abandoned me for someone else and neglected the kids. All of the sudden I feel like like a lower and a failure. How could she just keep leaving the kids and me like that knowing that what she was doing would cause so much pain. We're we really that unworthy that we were deserving of this behavior?

the thing is if you were better and healthy you probably would not have put up with her in the first place.

[BacknthSaddle]

That's it. I feel if I was better (emotionally, physically, sexually) she wouldn't have abandoned me for someone else and neglected the kids. All of the sudden I feel like like a lower and a failure. How could she just keep leaving the kids and me like that knowing that what she was doing would cause so much pain. We're we really that unworthy that we were deserving of this behavior?

We have all, all felt this way.  Reading through this thread, I am overwhelmed by the caring and understanding provided by this group.  There is such humanity here.  If someone told me that ANY of you were not "good enough" for some man or some woman because of your flaws, that you had flaws that were simply intolerable to the other, I would say that that other must not understand the meaning of love.  Not if they were "unable to love" people with this much heart, if they thought the people here were "not good enough."  Preposterous.  There must be something wrong with these others, and I would feel sad for them.

And yet, with my ex: I often still feel like it must have been me. 

[goldylamont]

That's it. I feel if I was better (emotionally, physically, sexually) she wouldn't have abandoned me for someone else and neglected the kids. All of the sudden I feel like like a lower and a failure. How could she just keep leaving the kids and me like that knowing that what she was doing would cause so much pain. We're we really that unworthy that we were deserving of this behavior?

the thing is if you were better and healthy you probably would not have put up with her in the first place.

well, this is just the thing. i feel like i was relatively 'better' and healthy for the majority of my r/s (4 years), although there were plenty of ups and downs. i definitely started 'losing it' though during the last six months. the worst and craziest times for me though occurred after the breakup, since my breaking up with her that 2nd time i think unveiled the worst of her behaviors which was shocking to me.

so blimblam, for me i *did* put up with some really terrible behaviors, yet i never stayed beyond any "deal breaker" activity. deal breaker activity for me would be cheating/lying/manipulation. this all could have occurred while we were together, but if so i was unaware at the time. i cut things off because i sensed that this type of thing could happen, and i believe i was right. so in a nutshell, while i don't feel a put up with deal breaker stuff, i definitely went past other boundaries of acceptability while i was figuring everything out.

what i'd like to dispel is the myth, if you will, that someone who in general feels emotionally healthy is completely inoculated against being involved in the least with a pwBPD. looking back on my r/s, what i know of her r/s before me and after me, i see that my actions and reactions in a way were more 'healthy' than other bfs of hers. i didn't throw any chairs through windows, never tried to run off to vegas and marry her after a few months, or tried to steal her stuff, or send her messages calling her derogatory names--all things other guys did (confirmed from other people). and, now i see why they acted this way. honestly i think she deserved it. and trust me, i felt like doing all of the above! (except the vegas/marry thing). but i think me being relatively more 'healthy' to begin with helped me to hold it together better than other men in her life. yet i was still in a r/s with this person. i was still fooled by her stories and was drawn to her... .

so strong9 -- all of this is to say that **NO** if you were more emotionally/physically/sexually 'better', this **would not** have fixed the situation. in my case i was fine in the physical, sexual, financial realms. although emotionally i did get worn out and angry towards the end. i think perhaps the reason why we stayed together so long was because of *both* of our abilities to act in the healthiest ways possible. i didn't completely 'lose it' and neither did she for quite a long time--i am giving her some credit in this regard. but in the end, well, the isht hit the fan so to speak. everything came to a head when her BPD came out all the way, "post-abandonment".

she would eventually find something wrong with you. if you remained strong and attractive she would learn to hate this in you and see these as qualities that make you attractive to other women--thus more likely to abandon her. so i'd like to remove some of the guilt or shame you may have for not being the perfect partner. while none of us were perfect, it doesn't matter in the least in the greater scope of things. the person is still disordered.

[Mutt]

And yet, with my ex: I often still feel like it must have been me.

I believe 2010 is absolutely right when he says the only way of letting go of the disorder is through radical acceptance

What you need and I need and we all need on this forum, is radical acceptance of the disorder. Radical acceptance involves *feeling* your feelings, accepting the *change* of letting go instead of holding on to the malignant hope that Borderline personality disorder doesn’t exist. It also means accepting the *uncertainty versus hope* as a part of bargaining and moving through your anger about that. That anger also involves unfair comparisons with another human being who is more similar to you than you may realize. Not realizing this similarity causes you to remain competitively in play like a chess piece in the disordered thought of a Man who cannot express himself appropriately in actions. You are very useful in that regard to express disdain about her for him. Very useful.

Letting go also means *letting go of the outcome of the Borderline’s attachments*.  This is especially painful as jealousy can be when thinking about the other woman involved and your comparison to her.   There are ALWAYS other people involved when you are with a Borderline. The disorder demands that they compulsively line up BENCHWARMERS. The fantasy is that everyone thinks they are a starting quarterback only to find out that someone else is in the game (that you may have never even heard of before) Meanwhile you’ve been eyeing someone else as a rival who was being played just like you are.

This is a disorder. It has to be changed from within, not from well-meaning others doing the work for them.

Detaching is the letting go of the loss of idealization and being alone without the distraction of the Borderline’s tease to get you back into the game.

Every time the Borderline does this, they utilize the notion of false hope that they can give you back your idealized self. You're going to have to radically accept that what worked in the beginning made you feel worse in the end.  That is, your idea of reference about yourself as superior to fulfill the Borderline's needs.

Being saddened, grieving the loss of idealized love (for yourself) and utilizing new hope for happiness without the Borderline in your life are the ways to support yourself instead of holding on to hope for the Borderline's return to idealize for you.

Radical acceptance is the only way, but it's also the loneliest- because you have to let go of the fantasy that this person represented; the mirror of your good. You’ll have to give that to yourself. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224178.msg12424383

[Blimblam]

so blimblam, for me i *did* put up with some really terrible behaviors, yet i never stayed beyond any "deal breaker" activity. deal breaker activity for me would be cheating/lying/manipulation. this all could have occurred while we were together, but if so i was unaware at the time. i cut things off because i sensed that this type of thing could happen, and i believe i was right. so in a nutshell, while i don't feel a put up with deal breaker stuff, i definitely went past other boundaries of acceptability while i was figuring everything out.

what i'd like to dispel is the myth, if you will, that someone who in general feels emotionally healthy is completely inoculated against being involved in the least with a pwBPD. looking back on my r/s, what i know of her r/s before me and after me, i see that my actions and reactions in a way were more 'healthy' than other bfs of hers.

hmmm... .that is interesting food for thought.  I guess the lines all seem so blurry. It seems easy to blame the pwBPD for all the problems.  So, I guess as the "non" our the degree of our own issues is determined by the extent to which we continue to remain in contact with the pwBPD when they mistreat us?

Mutt, thanks for that post.  Radical acceptance seems to be the key.

[strong9]

so blimblam, for me i *did* put up with some really terrible behaviors, yet i never stayed beyond any "deal breaker" activity. deal breaker activity for me would be cheating/lying/manipulation. this all could have occurred while we were together, but if so i was unaware at the time. i cut things off because i sensed that this type of thing could happen, and i believe i was right. so in a nutshell, while i don't feel a put up with deal breaker stuff, i definitely went past other boundaries of acceptability while i was figuring everything out.

what i'd like to dispel is the myth, if you will, that someone who in general feels emotionally healthy is completely inoculated against being involved in the least with a pwBPD. looking back on my r/s, what i know of her r/s before me and after me, i see that my actions and reactions in a way were more 'healthy' than other bfs of hers.

hmmm... .that is interesting food for thought.  I guess the lines all seem so blurry. It seems easy to blame the pwBPD for all the problems.  So, I guess as the "non" our the degree of our own issues is determined by the extent to which we continue to remain in contact with the pwBPD when they mistreat us?

Mutt, thanks for that post.  Radical acceptance seems to be the key.

Maybe part of it is compassion for yourself. Radical acceptance also means you were complicit in the dance, even if unwittingly. My T tells me all the time I soaked it up - the adulation, even when the rational me scoffed at some of it.  It is all blurry and it sometimes seems like accepting the Disorder is our own novocaine. I sometimes just don't know what the truth is. I get lost and I pride myself on  my about to analyze and discern situations and other people.  As for being better,  it all makes sense but one never knows especially when with the idealization. You feel you are so much better than the world that when it is taken away with blaming, it is hard not to believe ultimately someone was better or you were otherwise inadequate. Would be so much easier if you were accepted for who you are and not what you were painted. You start to believe your own press.

[BacknthSaddle]

Letting go also means *letting go of the outcome of the Borderline’s attachments*.  This is especially painful as jealousy can be when thinking about the other woman involved and your comparison to her.   There are ALWAYS other people involved when you are with a Borderline. The disorder demands that they compulsively line up BENCHWARMERS. The fantasy is that everyone thinks they are a starting quarterback only to find out that someone else is in the game (that you may have never even heard of before) Meanwhile you’ve been eyeing someone else as a rival who was being played just like you are.

This realization has actually been tremendously helpful to me.  Realizing that I was not the protagonist of the film but rather a bit player (as 2010 says in another post) has helped to to truly embrace the idea that what happened in my relationship was not about ME, and thus it should not damage my self-worth as it has done.

As those of you who know my shameful story know, my ex was married at the time of our r/s, and it was only at the time of her divorce that she cast me off.  I somehow convinced myself that I was the primary attachment in this story, not the ex-husband, when in fact I was mostly a weapon/insurance policy. When the husband ended up leaving in his own right and a world of attachment opportunities opened up to my ex, my role was no longer needed in the movie.