I can't identify old childhood wounds

[swimjim]

In my attempt to concentrate my efforts on working on myself, I cant remember any unresolved childhood issues. I believe I was raised in a healthy family with parents that did not abuse me physically or emotionally. However, I still obsess over my ex which is very unhealthy. She split me black in a horrible way which should have made me realize I should be lucky she is out of my life. Sadly, If she would try to recycle me today, I would probably go another round. I must be the one who is crazy. A healthy person would not have gotten involved in her, let alone take another round of abuse. I am in therapy and I like my therapist. He is doing all he can to get me to wake up and move on. I know everything I need to know about BPD. If I would be able to identify something unhealthy in my childhood, I think I would be on the right track towards recovery. In all seriousness, I don't think I would take her back but it would be validating if she wanted me back. Anyone else struggling like me?     

[Tincup]

Swimjim-I am 100% where you are.  I probably recycled 10 times with my ex, and each time I went back.  I went to therapy after the after a couple of the breakups (most of the breakups lasted only a couple of days to a week at most).  I also had a very happy childhood, but the therapist concluded that I have some codependent traits, but did not actually slap the label on me. 

I know in all of my heart and soul that she is not good for me, healthy for me, etc.  But I don't honestly know what I would do if she called me up and said lets get back together.  What I do know is that she will never do that because she would be admitting she was wrong and she can't do that.  But just the fact that I even say I would consider it scares me. 

But when I look deeply at myself, the reason I would even consider her is that deep down I don't feel like I can do better than her.  I realize that is a ridiculous statement because I am a committed, successful, and very good guy but it is how I FEEL. 

That is what I am working on.  It has nothing to do with my childhood, but has to do with how I view myself.  This relationship has made me look at myself in ways I never have.

[LettingGo14]

I'm going to paraphrase something I read about Freud.   Apparently his thinking evolved from thinking it was possible to unlock a repressed memory from the past toward focusing on what was present in the patterns of here and now.  

In other words, he began to focus on what arises (in emotions and thoughts) when free associating about current circumstances (recognizing that "patterns" could sometimes be traced back to Family of Origin -- though not always possible).

Like you -- I don't know that I'm ever going to pinpoint exactly what about my childhood made the feelings of abandonment I experienced so painful.   That said, giving voice to what's going on in the present, especially with guidance of a therapist, I've found that I am able to acknowledge feelings and patterns of thinking that keep me stuck.   The mantra is "remember, repeat, work through" which translates, in my words, to "talk about, re-feel pain, and go through it."  

As an example, you could talk about recycling, identify the range of emotions that arise with the topic, and then investigate with your T how you might process those emotions.

[antjs]

In my attempt to concentrate my efforts on working on myself, I cant remember any unresolved childhood issues. I believe I was raised in a healthy family with parents that did not abuse me physically or emotionally. However, I still obsess over my ex which is very unhealthy. She split me black in a horrible way which should have made me realize I should be lucky she is out of my life. Sadly, If she would try to recycle me today, I would probably go another round. I must be the one who is crazy. A healthy person would not have gotten involved in her, let alone take another round of abuse. I am in therapy and I like my therapist. He is doing all he can to get me to wake up and move on. I know everything I need to know about BPD. If I would be able to identify something unhealthy in my childhood, I think I would be on the right track towards recovery. In all seriousness, I don't think I would take her back but it would be validating if she wanted me back. Anyone else struggling like me?      

i can exactly identify with every letter you have written . look at my posts specially the recent ones. i am struggling with processing pain of an issue that i am not aware of. she split my black like darkness. she has been giving me the silent treatment for 3 months every time i reach out to contact. it is taking more than usual for feeling pain of a break up. my therapist ended my sessions and said i am healthy. but i feel i am not ok. he said every person has traits and that my traits are within normal. i just dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crumbling in a fetus position and sleep from the severity of pain.

[Caredverymuch]

In my attempt to concentrate my efforts on working on myself, I cant remember any unresolved childhood issues. I believe I was raised in a healthy family with parents that did not abuse me physically or emotionally. However, I still obsess over my ex which is very unhealthy. She split me black in a horrible way which should have made me realize I should be lucky she is out of my life. Sadly, If she would try to recycle me today, I would probably go another round. I must be the one who is crazy. A healthy person would not have gotten involved in her, let alone take another round of abuse. I am in therapy and I like my therapist. He is doing all he can to get me to wake up and move on. I know everything I need to know about BPD. If I would be able to identify something unhealthy in my childhood, I think I would be on the right track towards recovery. In all seriousness, I don't think I would take her back but it would be validating if she wanted me back. Anyone else struggling like me?     

I can identify as well. I did the same with short term recycles, before I know of or understood BPD. I try to recall something my t said in several sessions. When you know what a person is capable of, why do you go back for more? I also had a good childhood that I can recall.  My t said I had codependency issues as well. Of course this makes sense from the perspective of wanting to learn why I stayed involved in such a chaotic situation.  My best theory for me is, my expBPD studied me well enough to become the perfect dream come true mirror for me. The person anyone would be so fortunate to have as a mate. And then through all of the idealization tactics, gained emotional control in such an inconspicuous way, masked in caring.  BPDs want us to be come codependent. Its another control tactic to ward off their fear of abandonment.  And we do, we enmesh and become dependent and reliant on this "dream come true."  Until the next cycle begins.  The splitting.  For me, this all cycled so quickly I had no way to emotionally catch up.   All of my recovery work has been done through post r/s counseling and through the incredible source of education here. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey swimjim, How are your boundaries?  In general, pwBPD are loathe acknowledge boundaries, in my experience.  Indeed, they can trample your boundaries.  My boundary issues probably stem from childhood.  Perhaps you have boundary issues?  LuckyJim

[myself]

Out of the ordinary situations can certainly knock us off balance. When we go deep, it takes time to find our way back to the surface, as well as find our way to shore. This may not be a childhood wound, but it is recent. Healing occurs today. BPD relationships can become very overwhelming. Being caught up in patterns of abuse and of having to prove ourselves can be untangled by detaching. Face it all. Make as much sense of it as you can, and continue moving on. Why tear yourself down when you can build yourself up?

[swimjim]

She came on strong quickly and gave me a marriage ultimatum after dating 6 months. I wanted to take things slower and my gut instinct said that something was not right. She started the devalue process when she did not get the ring when she wanted it by withholding sex, limiting time spent together, and resentment comments for not having her ring. She split me black by seducing my best friend and starting a smear campaign against me. In my frantic efforts to win her back, I finally bought her the ring she wanted. Tragically for me, the result was her having the police call me to leave her alone and then filing a false restraining order. I have been a broken man ever since.

[swimjim]

I came upon an article and I thought after reading the it, Oh my God, this article was written specifically for me! Everything in the article resonated with me UNTIL she mentioned that I am not likely STUCK on her but rather OLD CHILDHOOD WOUNDS.   I thought I was going to get the cure all from her with this magical answer. I would need to get hypnotized to dig deep into my unresolved childhood issues. I am so frustrated. I know intellectually I am better off without her, however, I still yearn for her so much.

[BacknthSaddle]

I think perhaps people sometimes confuse "having FOO issues" with "having an unhappy childhood." Although not mutually exclusive of course, these are not the same thing.  Our family teaches us everything we know about attachments during our formative years.  They could be very well-intentioned but still manage to convey messages that create problems in adulthood.  This was the case with me I think.  My mother, for example, was loving and supportive (still is), and I would never characterize my childhood as "unhappy."  However, I realize now that, due to a combination of events in her own life and some perhaps misguided approaches to parenting, I am left with an unhealthy style of attachment that led me to my BPDx and has made detaching from her, despite her cruelty, very difficult.  This is not my family's "fault," or if it is, then all of the profession success I have had is also their "fault."  Searching through the family of origin is not about searching for hidden unhappiness, and it is not about blame or critique.  It is simply about asking "where and how did I learn to be this way?" Because we all learned it somewhere. 

[Tincup]

I think I agree with BacknthSaddle and want to add that I think my issues (good upbringing and happy childhood) might have come from my marriage to a person without BPD.  My ex wife really did not give me what I needed from the relationship.  I think THAT might be what led me to my ex with BPD.  She did provide me with "what I thought" I was missing after my marriage ended.  I didn't see the red flags at first because I "needed" what she was providing which was obsessive love... . god that is so unhealthy... .

[LettingGo14]

I thought I was going to get the cure all from her with this magical answer. I would need to get hypnotized to dig deep into my unresolved childhood issues. I am so frustrated. I know intellectually I am better off without her, however, I still yearn for her so much.

I completely understand your frustration and pain.  There are other ways to re-frame the issues, other than FOO or childhood issues, however.   For instance, here are some alternative paths of inquiry (which I have used):

1) Why -- out of 7 billion people on this planet -- am I so attached to this single individual?   Can I identify the thoughts and emotions that keep me attached?  

2) What am I telling myself about rejection? Loss?  Abandonment?  Am I afraid to let go because I would lose something I deemed important to my identity?

3) How can I re-define my own interpretation of events?  Can I learn to self-soothe?

There is some truth to what renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow said -- that is self-actualizers are “independent of the good opinion of other people.”  We can detach, and stand on our own two feet, despite the rejection and silence from those we loved.

[rosannadanna]

I agree with BackntheSaddle.  It might be helpful to examine your FOO from a Bowen Family Systems perspective:

https://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html

Maybe you and your therapist could review your family dynamics in the context of Bowen's concepts.  That might be helpful.  Bowen even goes beyond the family system and theorizes that certain societal climates can have an impact on our upbringing.

I would also add that looking at the environment in which you grew up and your innate temperment  might also be helpful.

So for example:

For me, I was oldest female with little brother with two highly emotive mentally unstable parents (mom Adult Child of Alcoholic and dad Bipolar/OCD or maybe NPD/BPD, who knows?) who managed to still parent fairly well and I am grateful for that much.  So that should have been enough to get me on this site.

But we also moved around a lot. Terminal shyness, low self-esteem, and body image issues were role modeled by my mother, all the while she constantly praied me and told me how special and beautiful I was.  Lots of other people told me I was beautiful, too, but I never believed it.

All these variables create my belief system and hence, my cabability to have a healthy intimate relationship.  

Needless to say, the BPD r/s kicked my ass and I have made big changes in my core belief system and in the non-romantic r/s in my life for the better.  I don't know if I will be successful in the romantic r/s department, but I am hopeful.

[swimjim]

My family was always about good image in the community. I would always get compliments from people about how great my parents are. I think there is something missing here thou since I am too close to the situation like I cant see the forest from the trees. Why would I want another round of abuse? I have therapy in 30 minutes. This is what I will be talking about.

[rosannadanna]

My family was always about good image in the community. I would always get compliments from people about how great my parents are.

This is significant.

Keep us posted.

[BacknthSaddle]

My family was always about good image in the community. I would always get compliments from people about how great my parents are.

This is significant.

Keep us posted.

Agree completely.  You've landed on something significant here. 

[antjs]

i was diagnosed with quarter life crisis. my therapist said that my confidence is shaken for the last couple of years due to my life circumstances like unemployment, physically sick dad, friends immigrating, social circle getting narrower, economical and political national unrest. he said that i clinged to something that seemed to be "good" coming to me during this crisis which turned out to be BPD. he also said that i was strong enough to stand for myself and leave the r\s early and that i had strong enough boundaries to cut the crap and the crazy making. i was dismissed from therapy after 8 sessions. he said that getting your new job in a better country will get you better. 2 weeks after ending therapy i got the news of visa rejection. i was depressed. i started longing for my ex and the depression came as bad as the initial days after the break up.i am still longing for her.


I dont know if my therapist did miss anything or do i return longing to her because of my last failure with getting a job. i stressed to my therapist issues like codependency and childhood unresolved issues but he said i am healthy. i think i should trust his professional view as sometimes reading here and over thinking can create a problem that does not exist in the first place. sometimes i feel like reading every day on this forum might keep me stuck and thats why i long for her up till now after three months of NC. i have just contacted her today after 3 months and was still given the silent treatment. but i came to peace with it. i just needed to end it in a good way even if she is not going to reply cause 3 months back i called her bad names. i am in a better place but do not want to close this chapter of my life while missing something i can learn or an unresolved issue that is still there. i think i should trust my therapist.

what do you think guys ? can that be enough to make me ignore the red flags and still long for her ?

[swimjim]

Well, it came out in therapy that my parents did not support me as much emotionally as I thought. When I was much younger out of college, I worked for my father's best friend who was a narcissist and very abusive. I was always taught growing up that I was too thin skin and that I should be able to take criticism like water running down your back. In other words, toughen up. I might have been somewhat sensitive about getting yelled at, however, there is a difference between constructive criticism and abuse. My abuse fell on deaf ears. I carried this belief into my adult relationships. I am sure my parents meant well. I have to learn to stand up for myself in the face of abuse and get better boundaries. When my exBPDgf placed ultimatums on me, I should have walked away but I did not. Instead I tend to blame myself like I was suppose to accept abuse (or as my father would call CRITICISM) in my earlier years. Maybe there is a link between what I was taught to believe growing up and my continued yearning for my ex.     

[Blimblam]

it is shame... . what you are looking for in your memories is shame.  who made you feel ashamed of yourself?  maybe not directly or intentionally.  We stick around during the devaluing because we identify with the shame.  It is shame that arises to the surface.  The pwBPD projects shame onto us.  We identify with this shame. 

I had the realization that multiple people in my childhood filled me with a deep sense of shame.  The thing about the trauma is it happens in real time and their is no background music to tell you how to feel.  Eventually we developed coping mechanisms to deal with the shame.  Did you fear somebody you loved?  Fearing someone you love can bring shame because you are suppoced to love them but you fear them.  Where does the shame come from?

It may be hard to remember because you think it is normal.  You may think you deserved the shame because you misbehaved.  It may be in the form of a punishment that causes shame for a minor offence.  Or going through life fearing to bring shame upon oneself.

[Caredverymuch]

it is shame... . what you are looking for in your memories is shame.  who made you feel ashamed of yourself?  maybe not directly or intentionally.  We stick around during the devaluing because we identify with the shame.  It is shame that arises to the surface.  The pwBPD projects shame onto us.  We identify with this shame. 

I had the realization that multiple people in my childhood filled me with a deep sense of shame.  The thing about the trauma is it happens in real time and their is no background music to tell you how to feel.  Eventually we developed coping mechanisms to deal with the shame.  Did you fear somebody you loved?  Fearing someone you love can bring shame because you are suppoced to love them but you fear them.  Where does the shame come from?

It may be hard to remember because you think it is normal.  You may think you deserved the shame because you misbehaved.  It may be in the form of a punishment that causes shame for a minor offence.  Or going through life fearing to bring shame upon oneself.

Thank you for this insight. Something that may be helpful to those of us working hard to understand why we ended up in our situations with pBPD and to heal may be the question my t asked me when I described how I incredibly hurt I felt being D&:)'d and dropped on my head. She listened compassionately then asked me to think about the following question " and where else in your life did you feel that way?" I've thought back on that often.  Much of the reply posts here all come together to help me understand where else I may have felt that way.  Perhaps you may too.

[Lucky Jim]

I tend to blame myself like I was suppose to accept abuse (or as my father would call CRITICISM) in my earlier years. Maybe there is a link between what I was taught to believe growing up and my continued yearning for my ex. 

Hey swimjim,

I think you're onto something here.  In my view, there is a subconscious tendency to replicate the dynamic of abusive scenarios from the past in our r/s with the pwBPD.  Even though unhealthy, it feels familiar.

LuckyHim

[Dutched]

For me, luckily, my T couldn’t indentify old childhood wounds.

I had a good loving, inspirational and inspiring upbringing. Raised with high standards and ethics in which self reflecting was learned by mostly positive criticism of my parents.

I learned me to repeat an experience positive/negative) I repeated “the movie” again for self-reflection. It helped me to see and to act (in my mind) as if I could have reacted different.

As from a certain point in the r/s, it helped me to create distance, distance as so much needed to be able to confirm and criticize my believes, actions, responses.

It came back twice during in my T sessions (1st during the r/s, 2nd time after the r/s).

However one of the conclusions was that I took my responsibility towards my family “to serious” whatever the costs=> special for me…

Ex couldn’t take my spirit, although she tried so hard and almost succeeded, that’s why I needed a T once during the r/s.

In my attempt to concentrate my efforts on working on myself, I cant remember any unresolved childhood issues. I believe I was raised in a healthy family with parents that did not abuse me physically or emotionally. However, I still obsess over my ex which is very unhealthy. She split me black in a horrible way which should have made me realize I should be lucky she is out of my life. Sadly, If she would try to recycle me today, I would probably go another round. I must be the one who is crazy. A healthy person would not have gotten involved in her, let alone take another round of abuse. I am in therapy and I like my therapist. He is doing all he can to get me to wake up and move on. I know everything I need to know about BPD. If I would be able to identify something unhealthy in my childhood, I think I would be on the right track towards recovery. In all seriousness, I don't think I would take her back but it would be validating if she wanted me back. Anyone else struggling like me?      

I relate to that, although without to go for another round, that’s is a wishful longing. But it hurts to see others of my age with their family together, having activities, etc., something she took away forever.

I am still somehow stuck after more that 3 yrs. out now .

Shame is mentioned again in a reply.

Shame is the 1st and most primitive primary reaction of us all (blushing can’t be controlled).

We are not in shame or ashamed, its blame/accusations a BPD tries to puts on another person.

That might cause an initial “shame reaction”, however directly followed by a sense of guilt

Guilt, the sense of having done something wrong, AND the capability to take the responsibility to change it.

A capability a BPD in general lacks.

[Blimblam]

even once you put the pieces in place it may take a while before they slide in to place and you get those aha moments.

I put the pieces in place and today like 5 days later the connection was internalized.  Its going to hurt when it does.  The key is shame.  it is like love wrapped in a blanket of sorrow behind a wall of shame.

why do you feel ashamed? who are you saying sorry to? ashamed because you don't believe your love was enough for who?

dig deep into your shame.  surrender to it.

[Dutched]

even once you put the pieces in place it may take a while before they slide in to place and you get those aha moments.

Trust me, have been there, intensively, already back in 2006/2007. Questioning and re-reading my diaries going back to before my. Went to see a psychologist who made me see my “issues”. Gave me also the pieces towards ex.

Learned techniques like SET, DEARMAN, BIF, went to a local Bordeline support Group, etc. just in order to keep my family intact. Walked that painful first road already.

dig deep into your shame.  surrender to it.

We are here to support each other, give insight in our difficult process, even holding up mirrors. However I don’t think to impose ones point of view as for each of us it is an very, very individual painfull journey.

Reading several of your many post in a very short time, I see the intense pain of the rollercoaster you are in. The pain, grieve, answers, etc. you are processing, trying to find the key to stop it all, to give your brain some rest.

I feel and recognize that and certainly wouldn’t ever wish it to another person!

When you feel and/or are convinced your shame is your starting point, then indeed start from that point. Take the other key your are holding within yourself to open the door to see the road ahead. But then the painfull journey really starts (have been there, dragging myself forward) and see a T (if you didn’t already). The journey is about YOU, not about BPD anymore.  

So with all my experiences and “knowledge” I was able to minimize her outbursts and canalize her behaviour. Regained confidence in our mutual future to be together “until dead us part”, how boring and/or unrealistic it might seem with a BPD partner, despite 30+ yrs.

Sadly in a blink of an eye that  :)isorder always wins at the expense of 3 other persons in my case

[Blimblam]

Thanks for the insight dutch. It really makes me curious for those without foo issues what it was you realized on your own journey of self discovery in relation to your rs with a BPD person.

[antjs]

Thanks for the insight dutch. It really makes me curious for those without foo issues what it was you realized on your own journey of self discovery in relation to your rs with a BPD person.

some other unresolved issues blimblam. for me it was quarter life crisis. it is my situation since i have graduated. i did not resolve some issues that were out of my control. i kept holding them around like a burden. the BPD experience had to come to slap me back to life, back to make me realize that i should take care of myself better and not to be hard on myself. that i should have resolved these issues and put them in the category of [out of my control] cause they really are. this lead to BPD and BPD lead to the solution of the former.

[Dutched]

As written above, my psychologist  came up with the conclusion that I took my responsibility towards my family “to serious” whatever the costs=> special for me…  Mainly due to my upbringing (as she analysed and I can agree with) in which in every brain cell is printed to take responsibility for my sister (Down Syndrome) and therefore maintain strong boundaries for whomever undermines it.

Not to be confused with literally taking care of the other (caretaker), but defending her and others rights (maybe that’s why I became a (financial) advisor).

In my r/s exw’s behaviour was in a way dormant, as strange as it might look like (ex very HF), later some “odd” behaviour surfaced.

Really started as kids got more independent, the love-objects didn’t respond as she needed anymore

So in these r/s the partner (you, me, we on this Board) try to compensate towards the partner, the kids, being there, advising, raising, holding the family values and keeping it together, by lack of the other partner.

For me the next conclusion of my T came in play: When I feel to trust one completely (the closest ones, like family, close friends and exw) then my boundaries can be bend in order to maintain my trust.  Oops, as I noticed

T came up with another point. As my sister can’t fully express herself, it became a second nature to pick up signals about her (emotional) wellbeing. So during the r/s that part of “my nature” was not only “handy” but also caused the “whatever the costs”.

I am convinced I didn’t ignored flags. There is a saying “love blinds” but I saw the whole package. That package was/is interesting, worth to continue, even concluded that with my T. Of course I agree it depends on how “severe damaged” (ex HF, r/s lasted very long).

Well, that’s my background and psychologists analysis.

I refer to the article “how a borderline relationship evolves” on this site. Mentioned is that I can take years to “evolve”.

Further, applicable for me and others over here with a r/s for a 25+ yrs. a part of a text I found

Abrupt departures during mid-life are particularly significant, because while she could have been exhibiting borderline symptoms for decades, these may become far more pronounced during marked hormonal changes, such as pre- or peri-menopause… . which can easily catalyze more acting-out behaviours.

Now your r/s Blimbam didn’t last that long, evolved even high speed (BPD is a wide spectrum). Damage done to you is comparable, as with all of us.  

If you feel in a way comfortable to start with what you describe as “your shame” start with it. As said it is your journey to undertake.

For me paying attention to this role in the r/s, that is important to discover myself again, who I was before the r/s (had to go back very long way…) and during the r/s. For me it was hard to acknowledge but helps awareness.

And yes, frequently still wondering/questioning about all, walking in circles.

I attended several meetings (triads) in which family members, professionals and BPD’s (low and high functioning) were present. The most astonishing to learn was said by a BPD (which is no different as told many times on this Board):

“we” sincerely love you and “hate” you as you are then perceived not to be trustworthy.

“we” however love you still… and have a deeply hope you reach out, “we” can’t .

The more you reach out, the more “we” feel you care, the more “we” get frightened.

But hate is care, it is not indifference.

In order to avoid all that pain, “we” m u s t cut you out, as the pain of losing the one “we” love the most hurts so much more. Remains 1 option, switch emotions of and move on…

Switch emotions of… the core was not completed, so there is no healthy way to process the feelings of losing a loved one, to grieve. Just not to process as we do.

Do “they” suffer? Yes, absolutely, though “they” don’t want other to see their always present inner turmoil, so “they” show us their “successes”… a complete make over of their appearances, cloths, color of hair, FB postings, having a wonderful time and most profound with the next one, their soother, it is again  “finally found the love I always longed for”, “you are the best ever happened to me”… again…  

As powerful said by Ironman, “it is not about you”.

However we have a journey to undertake.

[swimjim]

The paradox is profound. She always wanted a ring and marriage. She would pressure me and literally beg me to marry her. When I finally offer her the ring, she calls the police and files a restraining order on me. As mentioned in a previous response, once painted black, you are perceived as threatening. My foundation has been shaken to the very core.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey swimjim, Sounds like you dodged a bullet.  Some of us (read: me) succumbed to the pressure and married our BPD SO.  It doesn't get any easier, believe me, and in fact can get much worse.  It's hard to hear when you're in pain, I know, but someday you may feel grateful that you didn't get married to her.  Lucky Jim

[Blimblam]

The paradox is profound. She always wanted a ring and marriage. She would pressure me and literally beg me to marry her. When I finally offer her the ring, she calls the police and files a restraining order on me. As mentioned in a previous response, once painted black, you are perceived as threatening. My foundation has been shaken to the very core.

I know this sounds crazy but it is a gift. lean into this pain it will guide you to your real self trapped deep down in the darkest pits of your shadow waiting for you. surrender.