Nostalgic over the 4th of July

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am sure it's just the upcoming holiday that is triggering my loneliness and feelings of guilt for ending the relationship.  In the past my uBPDexBF and I really enjoyed camping together in the summers and spending time with our 3 year old son and his two daughters from a previous marriage, ages 10 and 15.  It was something that all of us looked forward to all year.  This is the first time I am taking my son on my own and I am feeling apprehensive.  I went and bought us a tent, cots... .all the necessities, but it just doesn't feel right.  I am feeling a lot of guilt and sadness at the loss of the family I once had.  It doesn't help that I keep getting texts from my ex asking if we can hang out and spend the fourth together.  I am on month 3 of LC.  I have no intention of recycling or responding to his texts but I am in need of some encouragement today.  I know that I am better off and going in the right direction, but today is tough.

[razemarie]

I am sure it's just the upcoming holiday that is triggering my loneliness and feelings of guilt for ending the relationship.  In the past my uBPDexBF and I really enjoyed camping together in the summers and spending time with our 3 year old son and his two daughters from a previous marriage, ages 10 and 15.  It was something that all of us looked forward to all year.  This is the first time I am taking my son on my own and I am feeling apprehensive.  I went and bought us a tent, cots... .all the necessities, but it just doesn't feel right.  I am feeling a lot of guilt and sadness at the loss of the family I once had.  It doesn't help that I keep getting texts from my ex asking if we can hang out and spend the fourth together.  I am on month 3 of LC.  I have no intention of recycling or responding to his texts but I am in need of some encouragement today.  I know that I am better off and going in the right direction, but today is tough.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry razemarie, these anniversaries are tough.

I am feeling a lot of guilt and sadness at the loss of the family I once had.

It took me awhile to accept this. My P and I were talking about enmeshment and that I didn't know where my ex ended and I began. I liked how she put it into context. You are separate constellations now, you and the kids are a different constellation. You are your own family now.

It doesn't help that I keep getting texts from my ex asking if we can hang out and spend the fourth together.

FOG razemarie and it's difficult. It takes time to be indifferent and see it for what it is. Can you perhaps block texting on your phone? I had to install a program that filtered text messages and it wouldn't display an alert from her number. I had to do it because it was so tempting to open the text message, it helped me with not getting triggered and feeling helpless in having to open it. You're going camping too, hopefully there is no cell reception and you and your son can enjoy some time alone together.  Going off the grid as they say  

I know that I am better off and going in the right direction, but today is tough.

All of those things that I had to do on my own without an SO I found tough the first time. This weekend could mean some significance for you, the beginning of your new constellation with you and your son.

[peiper]

Ive been thinking about the fourth of July. We have one of the biggest firework shows in the southwest right by my house. Last year we sat on the roof of my house holding eachother and watching. She said it was the best and we were going to do it every year. Im hoping she remembers that and has some pain this year, but thinking logicaly I dont think she can.

[razemarie]

Thanks Mutt.  I like the idea of beginning a new constellation with me and my son.  He is getting very excited to go and it's helping me to focus on making this fun for him.  I will not have cell service where we are going, so that will be a nice break.  I see the FOG for what it is, I really do.  But it's still tough sometimes.  I think once I get there and get settled in this will be nice trip for the two of us.

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt.  I like the idea of beginning a new constellation with me and my son.  He is getting very excited to go and it's helping me to focus on making this fun for him.  I will not have cell service where we are going, so that will be a nice break.  I see the FOG for what it is, I really do.  But it's still tough sometimes.  I think once I get there and get settled in this will be nice trip for the two of us.

You're welcome razemarie. This FOG is tough stuff. Try to make a goal from now until the 4th of July to get through the FOG. Going camping and detaching from the things that distract us in real life, spending time with loved ones is what it's all about. It's a much deserved break for you and your son. Let your hair down and have a nice trip, you may be surprised once you get there that you'll forget about your ex. It's a new beginning, a new constellation.

[fromheeltoheal]

Two years ago on July 4th she raged at me for a while and then got drunk, last year's without her was much better, and this year it's all about moving forward, it's a good thing.

Anyway.  I've accepted lately that to be happy we need progress, we need to feel like we're moving forward.  You can tie this camping trip and the holiday to him and times past, or you can create something new, a new direction doing something you still enjoy.  It's a matter of focus, a no cell signal will help with that.  Kudos to you for getting the camping stuff you need, and you're moving forward with an opportunity that you and your son own, to make new memories together, and who knows, you might meet some cool people and have unexpected adventures.  Makes me want to go camping too.  Enjoy yourselves!

[razemarie]

Thanks for the support and words of encouragement everyone.  I would be lost without all of you to help me through this.

[Tausk]

Raze:  It sounds like your doing really well.  And remember, we can be doing much better than we feel. 

We can feel like sh-t, but if we are functioning, learning about ourselves, detaching and growing stronger, then we doing really well.  And just your sharing and being aware indicates a depth of self acceptance and understanding that is powerful and inspiring.

Thanks for being here.  Thanks for your courage.

It may not necessarily get easier, but it does get better if we work at it and recover.

T

[mywifecrazy]

Hi Raze,

Camping was something I did a lot with uBPDxw and our sons (9&14). We didn't go at all last year because she just left us and I was depressed. We already went 2 times this year and it was fun. The first one was tough because of bad memories tied to Fathers Day when she left but I made a conscious decision to get out and face our emotions a do what we liked to do... .Camp. On the second trip I noticed the boys having more fun and not looking back. We are now getting ready for our 3rd camping trip.

Like Mutt said, we are making new memories and having new adventures. Your kid will have fun and so will you. People are so friendly at campgrounds. I'm sure there will be other kids to play with and adults to talk to. Have a Blast and get that smile back on your face!

Let us know how you make out. I can't wait til my next trip with my boys. CAMPING IS GOOD THERAPY!

[razemarie]

Thanks everyone!  I am getting excited to go.  We leave right after work today.  I think some quiet time on our own will be just what we need.  Happy fourth of July. 

[Mutt]

Thanks everyone!  I am getting excited to go.  We leave right after work today.  I think some quiet time on our own will be just what we need.  Happy fourth of July.  

Happy fourth of July razemarie! Have a safe trip

[mywifecrazy]

Thanks everyone!  I am getting excited to go.  We leave right after work today.  I think some quiet time on our own will be just what we need.  Happy fourth of July. 

Have a safe trip and have a SMORES for me 

[Tausk]

Three weeks ago I took my uBPD sister, her three kids, my mom (spectrum of BPD) camping for the first time.  It was exhausting but so much fun.

My nephew couldn't get enough of it.  My seven year old niece couldn't stop making smores.

Grace is possible.

[razemarie]

Grace is possible.

Grace: to impart strength, to endure trial and to resist temptation.  You are right.  Grace absolutely exists.   

[Promises]

4th of July is getting to me too.  it was our first holiday together and I'm grieving him today.

[razemarie]

We had a great weekend!  Lots of biking, time at the water park, fireworks, horseback riding, and bonfires.  There were a few moments were I felt sad, but overall it was a great time.  Of course when I turned my cell back on when we got home there were multiple texts from the ex saying that this was the worst weekend of his life and that he wants me back.  I am glad I didn't get them while we were on our trip.  My son deserves my full attention.

[Mutt]

Wow that sounds like a lot of fun this weekend razemarie! I'm sorry about your h's FOG when you got back. It's to be expected.

My son deserves my full attention.

Yup, he's #1.

[mywifecrazy]

Way to go razemarie. Keep doing stuff like that. You and your kid need it. I'm happy for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Of course when I turned my cell back on when we got home there were multiple texts from the ex saying that this was the worst weekend of his life and that he wants me back.

Is it time to do what you need to do so you don't get any texts from him?

[razemarie]

I guess I don't know where to draw the line with cutting off communication with my ex.  He checks in most days to see how our son is doing and talks to him on the phone every couple of days.  I only respond via email and on my time.  He knows I prefer email over texting and has slowly been getting better with that.  I anticipated a barrage of texts while we were gone since he knew I would be away from my computer, which is what he did.  When I do get a text from him, I forward it to my email without reading it and then delete it from my phone.   That way when I am ready and have time for it, I can read it and respond if necessary.   

[Mutt]

I guess I don't know where to draw the line with cutting off communication with my ex.  He checks in most days to see how our son is doing and talks to him on the phone every couple of days.  I only respond via email and on my time.  He knows I prefer email over texting and has slowly been getting better with that.  I anticipated a barrage of texts while we were gone since he knew I would be away from my computer, which is what he did.  When I do get a text from him, I forward it to my email without reading it and then delete it from my phone.   That way when I am ready and have time for it, I can read it and respond if necessary.  

Forgive me if I don't recall what arrangement was with your ex razemarie. It's. 70/30 or 80/20? I think you said his involvement is minimal?

This is what I did after the split. You have a child together. I have 3 with my ex. She would send inappropriate messages by leaving voice messages, texts and email bombs, she left so go figure.

Not every communication about S3 needs an immediate response. She was sending messages up to several times a day. Sometimes asking the same thing. She disassociates and what I mean by that is that she has a certain amnesia and forgets, it's a part of the disorder. It's just a means to keep me in the communication loop.

If she left a voice message I respond back by email. If she texted I respond back by email. This is my boundary and eventually she followed suit. It's not to say that from time to time she doesn't try to call, but I clearly told her the phone is for emergencies only. I subscribed to a feature on my phone called Voicemail to Text. What the feature does is two fold. It transcribes the voice message to text and sends it to your email and converts that voicemail to a .wav file. It's a playback audio file for computers. Instead of listening to the tone of her voice, I read it. The bonus is that I have a recorded audio file as proof and can sa e that file. I'm not sure what laws are applicable for submission in what state. So if it is something that is important and I don't want to let slip through the cracks I read my hotmail.

During the early stages of breakup there was a lot of back and forth. It keeps our emotions engaged. As I said, there's no reason to respond back to everything unless it's about S3 or emergencies. What I found for me is that to create a schedule to read them to detach. My pick up and exchanges is on Fridays. I let the messages pile up. Thursday evenings after work and don't let him interupt your personal life or work, it's  taking back control of your life. I'd fix myself  coffee or tea, whatever works for you and set aside 30 minute and read your messages, respond only what needs a valid response to. There's nowhere that says we need to call or text. It's 2014 and email works just fine. It's giving yourself an emotional buffer to give yourself that space to heal. After a few months of this my ex got the message and I do get the occasional email bomb but it's her emotional immaturity, don't engage! It gets easier and your ex will get the message when you lay down serious boundaries. I get maybe 2 or messages per week now and it's only about the kids, she does test boundaries from time to time, but it's up to me to defend those boundaries. It is what it is. I hope that helps.

[razemarie]

Yes, that does help.  Thank you for sharing what has worked for you.  I am going to look into the voicemail to text feature for my phone.  I also plan to pick one day per week to respond (if necessary to him).  Right now he watches our son every other Friday evening through Sunday morning.  I think I will let him know that I will have our son call him twice during the week at bedtime to check in (at a predetermined time) and restate our pick-up/drop-off times and locations.  I have only responded to him via email and will continue to do so.  When he calls I always let it go to voicemail.  My emotional response to him has changed so much in the past three months.  It doesn't effect me like it used to.  I'm taking baby steps but it's definitely getting easier and more manageable.  It's funny how predictable they become once you learn about the disorder. 

[fromheeltoheal]

My emotional response to him has changed so much in the past three months.  It doesn't effect me like it used to. 

Good for you raze!  Celebrate the progress.

It's helpful to focus on the fact he probably has a legal right to see his son on a schedule, but beyond that you have no obligation.  Focusing on what's best for you and your son and managing your own emotions is job one, and he will spin out as they do, only as meaningful as you make it.  Take care of you!