Not doing that well today

[Eric1]

I just can't stop thinking about her with my replacement. It hurts that she just monkey branched again, and whilst they're having fun, being intimate, doing whatever. I'm sat, still feeling depressed, ruminating over her, wondering if she thinks about be, does she care anymore, will I hear from her.

Sorry, i'm starting to sound like a broken record now. I've now got a sickness bug, so I can't go to the gym or anything like that which would help pick me up.

Life really does suck at the moment.

[enlighten me]

Hang in there Eric.

Weve all been through this and I promise you it does get easier.

When I feel like this I give myself a reality check.

Was it as good as you think it was? My answer to that is no. At times it was boring, We only did what she wanted. I spent most of my time trying to please someone who constantly moved the goal posts.

If she was only a mirror for me then who was she really? She is a total stranger so why am I mourning the loss of a total stranger.

Is she really having fun with her new guy? Doubtful. She is just trying to find something she will never get. Chasing a rainbow.

Will she be with this guy forever. No. She is damned to repeat her sad cycle until the end of time.

If you cant do the gym or concentrate enough to read then plan a project. If you have a dream house in your mind plan it out. Do it room by room. What will you have in the kitchen? Will it have a workshop or gym.

Use your negativity towards her for this. Say to yourself I have nothing to hold me back from my dreams and this is my dream and this is how Im going to achieve it.

[Narellan]

Yeah Eric I have those days. I have days where I think gee I haven't thought about him at all for about an hour then I have days I can't stop thinking about him and still trying to solve some solve less problem. And days where I cry. Still lots of those only the sadness bursts are getting shorter and I feel ok the rest of the time.

And I've even stopped counting how many weeks if NC it's been. I only just realised that yesterday. I have no idea how long it's been and that's good too. Small steps. It's all progress and healing. When I feel sad I cry. When I want to avoid people I do. I thought I might go out tomorro night to see a band. That will be the first time in 5 months I've even thought about socialising or having fun.

Just do what your emotions tell you to do on any given day. And go with it. Pain or happiness.

Peace to you 

[Eric1]

I don't miss the lies, abuse or juming through hoops.

But, i do miss her.

[LettingGo14]

Eric1 -- it is okay to be where you are, right now.  I went back this morning and read some entries in a journal I have kept for the last 6 months, and realized that the emotions come and go, and wax and wane.

I realize that when I am hurting most deeply I am lost in a story I am telling myself about being abandoned or replaced.   In a sense, when I am writhing in agony, I am actually hurting myself more with the "story" that repeats in my head, where my ex-girlfriend is an idealized fiction.

We can let ourselves hurt, and go through the emotions, without repeating the storyline.

Hang in there.  You are in the right place.

[Eric1]

It's funny how you can think that someone who is so suited & pefect for you, is actually your kryptonite.

She had flaws in her looks, body & personality but i thought she was the prettiest, sexiest girl around.

I loved her when she was sick, i loved her when she looked like ___, i loved her when she was sad & i loved her when she was happy. Pretty unconditional. She knew that, too. And, my god did she take advatange. I turned into a soppy, damp bloke. Don't get me wrong, i didn't put up with all the ___, i gave as good as i got when things turned nasty and got heated, because there was no way i could just stand and take it.

Quick story, When we broke up a long time ago, we were in LC. I asked her one day if everything was ok, and she said she was really ill & felt like she was dying. She works in a hospital and contracted neurvrious, which is pretty bad. We weren't even together, and i went to the shops after work, bought her food, magazines, fruit etc etc I went out my way to help her because i cared for her. She was really thankful after, but at the time, i bought a fresh uncut mango, not the pre-packed stuff that she could eat straight way. Well, she raged because she wouldnt be able to eat it straight away & i had to go back to the shop. Looking back, its laughable. And, it might be completely nuts, but i miss that.

[eniale]

Don't know how long for you since the breakup.  I have 17 months of mostly no contact, except when he contacted me 4 mos. after breakup & I briefly replied, only to get one unsaid thing off my chest.  But after that, almost like clockwork, every 4 months he emailed me (once called but I wasn't home.)  Last contact was last Feb., 1 yr. anniversary of breakup when he emailed me.  Except for 1st time, I never replied, so sure now he has given up.  Going absolutely No Contact is only way for you to heal.  It will take some time.  First 3 mos. hardest for me.

You mention your "replacement".  In my case, I, too, was replaced.  But I know the real problem is that he is BPD, so eventually the new woman will experience same treatment.  Perhaps you can find relief in knowledge you "dodged a bullet" this person will NEVER change; it's very rare for them to seek treatment.  Hope you can find relief from envying your replacement; believe me, that person is to be pitied.  You have to realize it was not YOU that was the problem, it was the BPD person and they will ALWAYS relate the same way to others.  So, it is not that you were not good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, etc.  IT'S NOT THAT YOU WEREN'T ENOUGH.  No one will ever be enough for a BPD person as they have a mental disorder.  Now, hope you go on and find a nice, normal person to share your life with!  Just go slow.

[irishmarmot]

You are right where you are supposed to be Eric and there is no denying the agony that you are feeling.  It will get better slowly, the ruminations will become less and you will be at peace with yourself.  Following the suggestions of others here helped me a lot to detach.  But we all do it our own way and in our own time.

[Eric1]

It's going to take time & patience, I understand that. If it was easy then none of us would have any problems. I always thought she was my soulmate & I've never felt like that with any other girl. The girl before her was my longest relationship 3.5 years, and I didn't have the same feelings as I do now. That was just a break up.

She's come to me & gone back to my replacement a few times now. I don't think he triggers her like I do.

[learnandgrow]

I think a lot of us feel that way about our BPD ex. I had dated mine for 1 1/2 years and then again for 10 months 4 years later and I am dealing with the same thing a second time. People don't change. She's going to put this guy through the same thing she put you through.

Try not to mistake the screwed up whirlwind she put you through as love or passion. If she loved you, she would have worked things out. It wouldn't have been so one sided. I know it's not easy to deal with because I am going through the same thing right now. But there is someone out there who would love to treat you better and grow with you as a person... .instead of degrading and abusing you at every turn. The new guy has no idea what he's in for... .let him get his fair share. And if it makes you feel any better, chances are she won't do much better for herself.

My ex refuses to finish school, is constantly between jobs, can't even make rent most months. A constant depressed, crying mess... .why do I miss her and hurt the way you do? Good question. But don't let yourself get dragged down by that... .If she put the blame on you... .it wasn't you. You were good enough. You did try. You didn't change.

It hurts... .but remember those things. You're doing better for yourself... .and she will likely always be miserable and so will the guy she's dating. Think about it... .how many close relationships does she really have? Her loss... .

It's going to take time & patience, I understand that. If it was easy then none of us would have any problems. I always thought she was my soulmate & I've never felt like that with any other girl. The girl before her was my longest relationship 3.5 years, and I didn't have the same feelings as I do now. That was just a break up.

She's come to me & gone back to my replacement a few times now. I don't think he triggers her like I do.

[Mutt]

I just can't stop thinking about her with my replacement. It hurts that she just monkey branched again, and whilst they're having fun, being intimate, doing whatever. I'm sat, still feeling depressed, ruminating over her, wondering if she thinks about be, does she care anymore, will I hear from her.

I hope you get over your bug soon Eric1. We tend to forget the inappropriate actions and emotionally abusive behaviors and reflect on the "good times". What people see from the outside is distorted and they don't see the acts that transpire between two intimate people. You were in those shoes and if she is not getting help for herself she's repeating the same patterns. A DSM  IV criteria is unstable inter-personal relationships and thinking about that centers me. A relationship with another person isn't a magic wand and fixes the disorder.

Take care of yourself and get over your bug in the meantime.

[Eric1]

It's been over two months NC, but seeing her has obviously set me back massively. She has always reached out in the past, but this time it's absolute silence.

I'm going to set myself targets... .I'll call her Monday. Then when Monday comes, I'll see how I feel.

[Xstaticaddict]

She had flaws in her looks, body & personality but i thought she was the prettiest, sexiest girl around.

I loved her when she was sick, i loved her when she looked like ___, i loved her when she was sad & i loved her when she was happy.

I so identify with this. When i met my ex she was still carrying a lot of weight from her 2nd kid (1 1/2 at the time) and she basically took the whole 6 years we were together to lose it (by starving herself not from healthy means). While i was with her my idea of beauty itself shifted. I started to like out of shape women, and at the same time started getting a fetishistic fondness for seeing women exercising. It was as if my mind was conforming to idealize my ex's behavior but rejecting it as well. (co-dependent adaptation as an alternative to having standards of only accepting healthy partners that take care of themself?)

Now she's embraced this 20 year old party girl fashion mentality (she's 38) and is even more smoking hot than ever, but so damaged and destructive due to no real interest in making anyone's life better, including her own, or even her kids.

When I'm feeling particularly down and like I'm never going to find someone I'm that attracted to again I like to go sit at a cafe downtown or a mall, and make a point of seeing how many women are hotter than my ex. It usually only takes about 15 before it clicks that there are so many beautiful people in the world and that the real issue was that I had only exposed myself to a very small amount of women since I have been pretty shy my whole life.

I bet you if you approached each woman you thought was beautiful and told them the story of getting the mangos for your ex (without making yourself look like a victim) and asking them how they'd feel having someone do that for them, i bet you'd have a really different perspective on your ex. Plus you'll get to talk to a bunch of beautiful women. Win Win.

I still have many days where i pine for the what if's with my ex (been NC for about 4 months now). But it's just fantasy to think she's ever going to get what a painful partner she is/was.

[Narellan]

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well Eric. If I lived close by I'd bring you a mango 

Often I find when I'm tired or rundown or if something goes wrong ( like spending a week regrouting my shower only to discover I used the wrong grout and have to redo) these things make me feel less able to cope with the sadness. I'm a bit weaker on those days. And if I have more than 2 glasses of alcohol I am weaker.

It's 4 months NC for me and I really am feeling better most days now. Keeping busy helps, and now I've got a week of grouting to do and a week off work with my boys on school holidays so I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Plus last week I applied for and got a new job! Start in a month. Not thinking about it too much yet because its a big move for me after 11 years in the same place. Since the split 5 months ago I've changed a lot if things about myself and my life. Things I wouldn't have changed had it not been for him making me see the world differently and giving me the balls to change things I don't like. I am so grateful to him for that. Peace Eric 

[momtara]

Here's a ((hug)).

I know, that and a quarter will buy you 25 cents!  Well, someday the replacement will be feeling this way too.

Hang in there.

[Narellan]

My exBPD replaced me with my best "friend" of 20 years. And within hours of ditching me abruptly. Worst pain of my life. Both out of my life now. It's already over with her I'm assuming because after a month he deleted her from FB which I know from experience is his pattern when he splits you black.

It sure sucks. But it's amazing who we can become with these experiences affecting us. Bigger and better people. Stronger and much more aware. I won't ever allow that pain in my life again. No way will I ever put up with the level of $hit he introduced into my life.

You will recover and move forward from this. We all do eventually. Xx

[Inside]

Enlighten me, that was impressive advice, think I’ll try some myself!  I found this very sound:

Is she really having fun with her new guy? Doubtful. She is just trying to find something she will never get. Chasing a rainbow.

Will she be with this guy forever. No. She is damned to repeat her sad cycle until the end of time.

Hey Eric, I’ve been down with a cold, too.  So, I’ve been spending a lot more time around here.  And though I’ve been apart from my uBPDxgf for around 7 months, after a 3.5 year r/s, I know her life-schedule and what she’s likely up to.  But the thing is - it so rarely included me that I was virtually alone, even while committed to her.  And as she was never really committed to me – I had nothing.  The liberating difference now is I know that

I have days where I think gee I haven't thought about him at all for about an hour

Choice   …and wow, more excellent advice…  I think I’ve stopped counting, too.  And it’s actually reassuring to find someone else isn’t ‘going out.’  …are we going here instead... ?  But I suppose that’s OK, too

Eric, I can so relate to your memories of caring for her, I had done the same with my BP mate…  Astonished that a ‘bf’ would head out in the middle of the night to retrieve something for her -- then raging at her next opportunity.  Said I was the only person that had ever put her first … yet couldn’t equate that with love?  After multiple recycles I concluded something inside her critical to love was either missing or broken, it could not be found or repaired, and she knew it. 

Just responding as I read here…

She's come to me & gone back to my replacement a few times now. I don't think he triggers her like I do.

Then good for you!  I’d read ‘the book’ on how to get along with them, starting it a 3rd time before finally burning it.  I knew the ‘techniques’ … but there was only so much I was willing to take.  Had I taken more, there’d be that much less of me now!  And likely the same for you.  Yah, there’s Radical Acceptance – all the way to bankruptcy, suicide or the funny farm.  I think it’s a sign of mental health when one enforces their boundaries.  If the new guy isn’t – there won’t be much left of him… 

If she loved you, she would have worked things out

You know, to me, that hit’s the nail on the head!  I came off a 29 year marriage before going through this BPD crap, so I defiantly know what it takes to keep one alive.  And sometimes it takes work.  And the day either one of you decide to stop working, it ends.  My BP mate did as little work as possible.  Maybe she was burnt out ‘mirroring me,’ but when it came down to what it takes to make a r/s work – she was outta here!  Says something, doesn’t it?

…I’m gonna post this, then read on.  Eric, the only good thing about being sick is that renewed appreciation you have for being well.  …it never seems to last very long, but let’s look forward to it!  Hey … there must be some kind of ‘recovery euphoria’ associated with having survived a BP hit, don’t ya think?  Let’s be on the lookout for that one, too

[eniale]

Eric -- noticed in one of your posts you said you had a girlfriend of 3.5 years before that, but that was "just a regular break-up."  And therein lies the solution to your problem.  You formed a trauma bond with your BPD girlfriend.  Please read up on trauma bonding!  It is the trauma bond that makes the break up so much harder than a regular break up.  You need to understand just what damage your x BPD girlfriend did to you.  No doubt you were "walking on eggshells" trying to please her.  They mess up your head in a way no normal person can do.  Part of it is the push/pull so typical of these relationships.  You feel so good when all is well with them, but knowing they can turn on a dime, you turn yourself insides out to please.  You don't realize the fear you are living in.  It becomes about trying to keep things on an even keel, but you cannot, because they are sick people.  The constant ups and downs mess up your head, you feel you cannot be happy without them.  Then, after they push you away, and then pull you back, you are so happy!  But this is sick behavior and they have taken you over, and you haven't really realized what has happened to you.  If you can afford it, therapy helps.  It is good to find therapist who specializes in BPD and trauma bonding.  Meantime, keep researching this.  And get rid of any triggers that make you feel bad.  Start to think of this person as poison.  I now realize he did me a great favor by showing me once and for all who he really was.  I put up with far too much & my friends were worried about me.  My personality even started to change.  Since I thought 3 times before saying anything to him that might set him off, I also became less spontaneous, less myself, with my friends.  Never under-estimate the damage a BPD can do to you.  If memories bother you, devise a plan.  When you have a memory, you have about 30 seconds to turn it around.  I say to myself "Well, I was happy at that moment, but that was before I saw him for who he really is."   I found first 3 mos. were the worst.  Good luck.

[Eric1]

I just dont feel like i'm detaching. All I want is for her to reach out to me & call me. I would be prepared for another recycle. I miss her & this isn't getting any easier.

I've told myself that if i still want to, i can try call her monday.

[Narellan]

I've only just this week felt like I'm detaching... .5 months later. Do you really want to be back to square one? If u contact her Monday and she rejects you, how far back will that set you. I won't take the chance of going back to the hell I was in. Yes I love him, but I need something else. 

[Eric1]

I wasn't perfect. When she came back, I knew about BPD, but yet, I didn't do anything to difuse the situations. I didn't learn how to cope with it, I would just completly forget about the disorder, argue & trigger her more.

I'd be kidding myself if i said i didn't want her back. I do want her back, but its not going to happen.

[enlighten me]

Its sad Eric

Weve all been there.

The fact that your realising its not going to happen is a good sign. You now have to realise its not going to happen because you don't want it to and not because its her choice.

This is the hardest bit for us. Once we rationalise and realise that we want a healthy relationship with someone who values us and our exs don't value us then we can really start to heal.

Stay strong and good luck. Were here for you.

[Eric1]

Yeah, in the past, i've always had that glimmer of hope that we would reconcile, which helped me. I have lost all hope. Thats the hardest thing to deal with.

[Aussie JJ]

Eric, I found for me, recognising the cycle in the past was one thing re-living it to an extent was another.  I was able to predict everything that happened with her behaviour.  I understood what she was thinking and I just got over it at that point. 

If it takes a recycle or attempt at reinstigating the relationship.  My only advice would be to write down the previous pattern and then see if it repeats on Monday if you still feel like calling.  When I saw it all happen I was so horrified at MY stupidity in trying to change her and thinking I could make a difference... .

If you decide to call, make sure you write down everything that happens and document it for YOURSELF.  This made me recognise that I wasn't the crazy one. ... .

I think that was the turning point for me, I know people are cringing reading that but living it one last time, being so much more painful because I understood is what finally convinced me. 

[Eric1]

If I called, I doubt she would pick up first time round, she never does. But, unlike her, I won't ring 25 times, one after the other and so on. I would leave an awnser phone message, what would be the best message to leave?

[eniale]

Eric -- you say you are ready to "recycle" -- please go back and read the post from Learnandgrow.  Learnandgrow did a recycle -- same thing happened again.  Please understand these people do not/cannot change.  Do you want to be hurt all over again?  BPD's rarely seek out therapy.  You are living on hope.  I understand this, I was there for a brief while until I spoke to a knowledgeable therapist.  If you can afford it, I would recommend it.  The pain you are feeling is due to the fact that you were trauma bonded to this person.  VERY important for you to know this and research it.  It is NOT like a "normal" break up.  She holds great power over you and you need to understand why.  I know you are hurting badly now; I have been there.  But if you are dead set on "calling her Mon." then you have a day or so to do some research.  Wish I could say "I hope things work out well for you" but if this is truly a BPD person, no way they can.  Just more heartbreak and pain for you.  It was tough, but I followed NC (NO contact) and the first 2-3 months were the very hardest, but it DOES get better.  Hope you will not set yourself up for more heartbreak.  "Know thine enemy."  Please research trauma bonding.  You apparently have no idea about the strength of a trauma bond and need help in understanding it.  Good luck.

[Eric1]

I can't afford a therapist, even tho I probably need one.

We won't ever get back together, I couldn't get back with her - Deep down I know that.

I just miss her. Miss talking to her. She's seeing someone, so it would be inappropriate of me to call.

[Narellan]

Good Eric1. You can see that it's a bad move to contact her. You recognise you can't be with her. This is good progress. The desire to reconnect with her is an addiction. See it as that and fight it. The urges to break NC come and go and the longer you can resist them the easier it will become.

I guarantee you if you called her, she will paint you black. She has someone else on a pedestal now and if u call she will be bagging you to new guy, calling you a stalker, you won't let her go, desperate etc etc. she may even rage at you.

You don't need this in your life. They are black and white thinkers. If she wants to talk to you she will call you, otherwise leave her alone.

Be strong. Every day is a new day. Take the control back. If she reaches out to you ignore her. Keep NC. Don't buy into the petty games they play. You will be amazed at just how good it feels to control this one thing. I felt so much stronger when I didn't respond to any of my exBPD s attempts to draw me back in. I feel like I've been true to myself and retained my dignity and walked away the better stronger person.

[Eric1]

I just doubt she would respond. She doesn't care about me anymore. I see her marrying this bloke, she's gone.

I expect my feelings will change tomorrow tho & I'll be wanting to contact her.

[Narellan]

The issue isn't so much whether shell reply or not. It's why you want her to given you achknowledge you can't be with her. Listen to yourself. Why does all your self worth remain tied to her? Is it rejection because she's moved on? Change your way of looking at it. You don't see a future with her so best to move on now. You know this in your heart. Let go.

No good will come of any further communication with her. You won't get closure just more pain and suffering. Be kind and true to yourself.