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christoff522
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« Reply #32 on: July 08, 2014, 07:46:14 PM » |
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She basically said we were friends, and as soon as I heard that I painted her black myself. This girl is not going to mess with my head. Call me a jerk, obsessive, and make me out to be someone I'm not. She claims she didn't think I was a jerk until I confronted her with her behaviour, well... .shes treated me bad enough as evidenced by this thread. Something inside wants me to email this thread to her and let her see the pain she causes, but alas... I will never ever ever do such a thing - I'm not that stupid.
My little pumpkin, panda... she's been cold for three days, today she seems actively concerned with me, almost as though she's making more effort, I messaged her after wow... 36 hours? and ask her about anime, anything to get rid of my feelings of emptiness (man i sound like a BPD) without her, I simply just want a little text, but no she wants to call. Well, this instantly gets my pulse going, I hate phone calls at the best of times, but when its with her its like I'm about to be executed or something. So I tell her later. I even use SET-UP principles to get the message across, what do I get but very passive abuse.
By the time I get myself together I'm lying in bed depressed, I ask her when she gets her new phone (because at this point I want no-contact) but she conveniently says she doesn't know when shes getting her new phone, when yesterday she had said it was just a few days. My plan in fact was to block her on instagram, facebook etc and somehow not use my phone until she had her new phone and a new number... I could cope with deleting her current number and flight moding it for a week. But no, no escape there.
So this is when I asked her about love, I knew she didn't and never would love me - hey, she never had - but I wanted to hear it from her, something which will never ever ever happen. She couldn't even do that, at that point, it would have been enough.
So I try to ignite some memories of what were, she doesn't seem to even remember we had anything, its just "How would you know my height?" - erm because I've held you in my arms, stood right next to you... but neigh... Its just creepy.
So eventually I lose the plot, and just vent at her, I tell her I think she's lying about her exes abuse, and just mearing his name, I tell her the time I spent loving 'someone like her' is just a waste, I tell her how much she has hurt me and broken my heart. She swears, seethes, rages at me, tells me she hates me, that he did abuse her and that she was so afraid, and she can't believe how I can be like that. She claims she's going to block my number, yet it seems she hasn't. I wouldn't know because I don't have her number now cos I deleted it (it really is gone =]) and I tell her if she tries to smear me, I have insurance (I really do as well). I feel better, the F.O.G. is gone, I feel far more at ease, I had a pain, well, a pressure on my chest which has gone, I have more energy already, I have a clearer perspective, I couldn't even sit through a 50 minute sermon last night, which was a sermon so prevalent to my situation that it couldn't have been more apt - It was called "MOVE ON" and the preacher even asked if anyone had dated a crazy girl. There God spoke to me, just as you all have, and he said the same thing... get out.
In the end, I couldn't have got out all by myself, I needed her help. I had to push her to hate me, I had to get her to rear her cackles, as one friend said to me, I needed a reaction to get her to leave, even if I didn't want her to le
ave. Now, I'm assuming a lot, its been 2 hours and she still hasn't blocked me. She may rear her ugly head, I may have
inspired some need for revenge - I may have even made her feel abused (which oh my goodness i do not need) or she may
have that feeling inside where she needs more of this from me. You all know what I mean. I may have accidentally made
her feel validated, and thus INCREASED her interest in me. I seriously hope not.
Anyway, now I need to move on from this. I will hang around a little longer here and try and help others, and also con
tinue reading stuff. But I have a feeling that it may also trigger me somewhat, so... my presence may be more limited. I
will need to move on at some point from the forums, but I also want to continue to give something back.
Thank you all.
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