I'm confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

MY exwBPD seems so happy and serene and accomplished on facebook when i sent her a message to apologize for my wrongs in the relationship she went crazy posting things like she wish i was dead and all kinds of nasty things directed at me saying she was feeling crazy because of me. Is it because of just me or is it her


currently she is with someone else

[freshlySane]

MY exwBPD seems so happy and serene and accomplished on facebook when i sent her a message to apologize for my wrongs in the relationship she went crazy posting things like she wish i was dead and all kinds of nasty things directed at me saying she was feeling crazy because of me. Is it because of just me or is it her


currently she is with someone else

[enlighten me]

Im afraid to say that it sounds like you triggered her guilt. Her lashing out is probably because she was getting to a point of dealing with it then your apology has stirred it up again.

I sent my exgf an email before I discovered BPD as a possible cause of her behaviour. I was lucky. My email was an apology but I had written it in such a way that validated her. I told her that I had heard her but I hadn't listened to what she was trying to tell me. That rather than taking what she was saying as a personal attack I should have seen that she was opening up to me and I should have thanked her for her bravery.

I didn't get any repercussions but did get a short message saying it helped her to know that I now understood some of what she had been going through.

[freshlySane]

So pretty much i messed up and she is doing fine until i contacted her?

[enlighten me]

I wouldn't say she was doing fine. She was coping.

From what Ive seen and read a person with BPD suffers like us when a relationship breaks down. They maybe even suffer more but they have built up coping mechanisms which make it seem as if they don't care.

Did you break up from her? If so she hadn't prepared herself for the break up that she probably knew would eventually happen. You being nice too her would have gone against the picture of you being a bad guy and would have stirred up more conflict inside her. The lashing out is probably more to convince her of the picture of you as a bad guy than to convince her friends. If your not the bad guy then it puts the blame squarely at their feet for the failure of the relationship and this is something they don't want to deal with.

[woodsposse]

I would tend to agree. Regardless of who broke up with whom its a trigger thing.  It is a projecting way of cooking and it may take you some time to understand you can't take it personally.

I know it sounds counter intuitive but in reality it isnt. It has less to do with you than you think.

If I were to offer advice id say go NC and spend some time on yourself to heal.

[freshlySane]

No unfortunately she left me Christmas day I spent all of Christmas Eve trying to get her present i didn't have a car at the time so i walked all up and down our town trying to buy her a new laptop a couch and a flat screen tv to build her an office because she wanted to go back to school as well as her and her friend wanted to build an app for Android and apple as well as for her poetry she is a very creative person and very talented one of the things i loved about her. Unfortunately my pay didn't come in that day which it was supposed to so i planned on getting after Christmas.

It was her idea to buy our gifts for each other after Christmas because the plan was to make Christmas special for her three kids. In one argument she thought i didn't love her and to prove she did she threw a wedding band at me the wedding bands we were supposed to buy for each other after Christmas my office idea was supposed to be a surprise i wanted to do more then engagement rings and wedding band.

Long story short she was mad i wasn't talking to her mind you i was walking on eggshells i didn't know what to say to her she was really nasty at times and told me horrible things. I told her i do wanna talk to her and it was like a bug caught in my throat i didn't know what to say to her she stormed upstairs and i followed she went on how she tired of us and how we all turn out to treat her like crap i was confused i didn't know who us was (later on i figured it included her new guy).she was also complaining about how i didn't buy her a gift nor giving her a card for Christmas i told her all i did to try to surprise her and it wasn't good enough Me tired of it took the band off and threw it on the bed and walked out she followed me throwing the ring at me.

I went back in the room and i told her i didn't throw the ring at her albeit to her screaming never throw anything at me or in my vicinity. me in my anger wanted her out i tried to get the phone from her the one i got her because i felt tired and abused and i had enough she punched me and it got bad after that.  since then she treated me like the big bad wolf.

[enlighten me]

Hi Woodspouse.

From what Ive gathered so far who broke up does have a part to play. The end result is the same but the behaviour can be different.

If the BPD breaks up they have normally come to the conclusion that it has to be and are prepared. They normally go NC and drop you as if you didn't matter.

If the Non breaks up the BPD doesn't have all their defence mechanisms ready so will either try and recycle or lash out.

Anything we do after to alter their perception of us will trigger them.

Obviously with all my observations they are based on what I can gather from sites like this and have no scientific grounds.

[Caredverymuch]

MY exwBPD seems so happy and serene and accomplished on facebook when i sent her a message to apologize for my wrongs in the relationship she went crazy posting things like she wish i was dead and all kinds of nasty things directed at me saying she was feeling crazy because of me. Is it because of just me or is it her


currently she is with someone else

When you are split black, you are seen as not trustworthy. Of course, this is nothing we have earned or have any logical understanding of as to why it is occurring . But once black, there you stay until the recycle.  The guilt and shame of the behaviors associated with this d/o are too heavy for the emotionally arrested pBPD to own. The split partner is then left in a cloud of confusion when offering terms of endearment that are responded to with venom. Then to confuse things further, communication techniques that validate the pBPD are often the only way to break a little bit of the wall down.  But once they begin splitting you black, its been my experience they are more prickly with each recycle.  And the d/d comes quicker each time recycled.  Such a difficult d/o to try to understand.  Tell yourself one thing.  Its nothing you've done that merited these behaviors. 

[freshlySane]

That is the thing i'm having a hard time telling myself its not my fault. Maybe i could have listened more, called more texted more, hugged more, kissed her more, tell her i love her more.

These are things that plague my mind constantly. i need professional help myself because this isn't normal. I witness all with her idolizing me phase her taking un-prescribed anxiety pills to feel better, her cutting herself because she felt i didn't love her. the arguing the name bashing resentment because i have a job she always wanted and she was not working. i been through it all with her and all through it i still cant stop blaming myself its crazy

She is dating her brothers best friend since childhood and her grandmother her brother do not speak to her anymore and she has said some awful things about them even her male best friend for some reason stop talking to her and threw it all this one guy she is with makes her seem like a totally different person which makes me feel like i failed

[Mr Hollande]

That is the thing i'm having a hard time telling myself its not my fault. Maybe i could have listened more, called more texted more, hugged more, kissed her more, tell her i love her more.

I tried all that. Took more abuse than mine or anyones dignity should allow and gave more love than I ever thought possible. To no avail. The abuse just kept escalating. It's not your fault that she is ill. You were not the cause of it. Someone else did that to her a long time ago. Long before you entered the picture. You are just one of probably several unfortunates who has been subjected to the discharge of her sickness and you are likely not the last. So don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.

[Mr Hollande]

She is dating her brothers best friend since childhood and her grandmother her brother do not speak to her anymore and she has said some awful things about them even her male best friend for some reason stop talking to her and threw it all this one guy she is with makes her seem like a totally different person which makes me feel like i failed

The new relationship with be a case of same s**t, different man. You can either take a vengeful pleasure in that as I do with my BPD ex, or you can see it as the first bit good news in a long time because you are safe from the destructive behaviour of her illness. It's not a failure, it's an opportunity for you to heal yourself and move on. The failure is all hers. It always will be.

[freshlySane]

Thank you for this i'm going to get help i think i might be a co dependent and i need to heal from this she has made me feel like committing suicide i've been in the gutter from her and her new relationship has helped me stay in the gutter and i'm tired of being here feeling like this.

[Mr Hollande]

The gutter is where she lives and as long as her illness prevails that's where she'll remain. She belongs there, you don't. Start walking and keep walking. Crawl at first if that's all you can muster but keep moving away. You'll get there.

[OutOfEgypt]

I agree with enlighten me.  I bet you triggered her guilt.

I dared ask my ex for a lessening in spousal support recently because I'm basically living paycheck to paycheck.  Her response was "You should be ashamed of yourself for even asking.  I'm trying to get on my feet!"

I was very plain in asking and very nice.  I didn't try to lay on guilt or anything.  But I know that was her projection.  She might as well have been saying that to herself about me: "I should be ashamed of myself for asking for so much from him.  He's trying to get on his feet."

My ex also puts on the "look how happy, accomplished, successful, and awesome I am" act.  She's really great at drawing a crowd.  Her son and all his friends all fawn all over her and think she's the coolest, prettiest, sweetest, and most awesome chick on the planet.  Bunch of dumbasses.

[freshlySane]

Yes she does the same thing she acts as if her new guy is best and how much he helps her and how she is growing as a person just because of him.

[Mr Hollande]

Yes she does the same thing she acts as if her new guy is best and how much he helps her and how she is growing as a person just because of him.

Meanwhile eating away at his life. Whatever it may be now he is playing with fire and he more than likely doesn't even know it. He'll get burnt soon enough. He'll see her for what she is as her carousel of misery keeps on turning. With or without him. When that happens, and it WILL happen, you may have moved so far on from her that you may not even care. The important thing is where you go from here at this moment.

[freshlySane]

can a person help them to change?

[enlighten me]

Only if they want to be helped.

[freshlySane]

Only if they want to be helped.

I think she does with me she tried to explain how she felt but it was so confusing i knew she has BPD but her constant mood swings and the dont need you then the i need you tug a war played on my  mind i lost myself in the relationship she wanted to be my wife have my child then it turned into she didnt want to get married how she only wanted those things for me. she alienated a good friend over a small slight and when the firend was out the picture she became a monster.

im afriad this guy accomplishes what i was too stupid to see that she needed me and i wasnt there for her.

[enlighten me]

I hate to say it but he is part of her cycle just like you were.

Unless he is familiar with BPD (and even then he might not see it in her) he will be in the same confused state that you were.

At the moment he is Mr wonderful but a while back so were you and no doubt so was her ex before you.

This cycle will continue unless she hits rock bottom and realises she needs help.

[Mr Hollande]

can a person help them to change?

I tried with mine. I threw everything I could think of at it to help her. Until that very last moment, when she laughed at me over the phone when she was with her new guy and because she loved him me and my feelings didn't matter, I had believed in her and us. I had been determined to not give up on her. That, however, was that. I put the phone down and walked away in silence. Maybe your gf is different and can be helped. As for mine I've left it now. Even at my weakest, most despairing and darkest hours I know that it's impossible to go back. It took me 5 years to get there. You'll know when or if you are ready to make the same decision.

[freshlySane]

its funny you say that she cheated on me with him when she couldn't move in with him she re contacted me i flew her out to me got her a house and all he called me and told me when i was away they had a relationship and she was lying to him telling him they were still together. she opened up to me finally and she told me she did'nt want to be fake anymore and really let me see her insecure side when we went south i knew she started up with him again as she made a trip to go see him in January of this year when it got real bad she told him she was coming to be with him for good.

He would call her and me check my Facebook all kinds of stalker stuff when she was with me and i heard her curse him out on the phone apologize to me and made me feel like she was all for me. He took her back after she hurt him he even told her he was going to commit suicide and how he was coming down to take her back as well as a story of him dragging her into his apartment after a fight i never believed any of this because she lied a lot except the calls because he never stopped calling her or me. Maybe he has issues too.

[Mr Hollande]

im afriad this guy accomplishes what i was too stupid to see that she needed me and i wasnt there for her.

That's a big one and that's what she'll be playing at. Put it out of your head. He is just as much of a chump as you were. I said it before, same s**t, different man. That's all it'll boil down to. She will always hurt the ones who love her. You have a chance now to start making sure that it won't be you again.

[Mr Hollande]

Put it this way. Not all the love in the world can cure what she suffers from. Whatever you fear he may accomplish in your absence it won't happen. The one thing you can be sure of is that either she'll kick him out or he'll walk with a lot of toing and froing inbetween and eventually the house of cards will come tumbling down for good. He'll be licking his wounds while she heads into the next doomed relationship.