someone i used to thought i know

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We are still "fb-friends" with very low contact.

Is the best answer for the following lines deleting, blocking or ignoring her without letting her know?

How to react when she reaches out to me again through messages like so many times before with lines like:

-i hate when people leave me (people like me for example)

-i try not to hurt anyone and all i seem to do is hurt you (while she posts hearts with her gf)

-i make such a mess in my life how are you? (does my condition matter really matter to her... .)

-i miss you... .


I dont start conversations, not sharing much personally and surely not on my fb, all i want to achieve is to come to a point were i see her "as someone who i used to thought i know"

I'm a sensitive, caring and compassionate person (not planning to change that because she uses this as my week spot)

I'm brave, independent, stubborn, hard working and profesionally succesfull.

But when she would reach out again i dont have a correct answer to give her the short line which says enough without triggering her and without having a fight within myself by saying things out of my nature and being someone i'm not.

I'm close to acceptance, no need for discussions anymore, there is nothing i want from her besides being able to look her straight in the eye if we would meet in person which would propably never happen again... .

[icecream]

We are still "fb-friends" with very low contact.

Is the best answer for the following lines deleting, blocking or ignoring her without letting her know?

How to react when she reaches out to me again through messages like so many times before with lines like:

-i hate when people leave me (people like me for example)

-i try not to hurt anyone and all i seem to do is hurt you (while she posts hearts with her gf)

-i make such a mess in my life how are you? (does my condition matter really matter to her... .)

-i miss you... .


I dont start conversations, not sharing much personally and surely not on my fb, all i want to achieve is to come to a point were i see her "as someone who i used to thought i know"

I'm a sensitive, caring and compassionate person (not planning to change that because she uses this as my week spot)

I'm brave, independent, stubborn, hard working and profesionally succesfull.

But when she would reach out again i dont have a correct answer to give her the short line which says enough without triggering her and without having a fight within myself by saying things out of my nature and being someone i'm not.

I'm close to acceptance, no need for discussions anymore, there is nothing i want from her besides being able to look her straight in the eye if we would meet in person which would propably never happen again... .

[LettingGo14]

But when she would reach out again i dont have a correct answer to give her the short line which says enough without triggering her and without having a fight within myself by saying things out of my nature and being someone i'm not.

I'm close to acceptance, no need for discussions anymore, there is nothing i want from her besides being able to look her straight in the eye if we would meet in person which would propably never happen again... .

Hello icecream.  Just wanted to offer another perspective for you.  I think it makes sense to focus on (1) the "fight within myself" rather than (2) the "correct answer."

You seem to be in a good place, and I applaud you.   Detachment is so important, and yet so difficult to achieve.   I think the "authentic" self is the one to nurture, rather than the reactive self which "walks on eggshells."

You recognize and acknowledge that you are a "sensitive, caring and compassionate person" and that gives you an excellent starting point.   You do not need to compromise that part of yourself in any way.   

Because it is interesting, and helpful, in so many areas of life, perhaps you might find this discussion about communication tools helpful.  Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

[findingmyselfagain]

icecream,

I'd also like to applaud you for where you are on your journey. I wasn't aware of BPD at first... .and I'm still not sure if there's an official diagnosis for her. It doesn't really matter at this point. Long story short I was engaged to a single mother with a baby daughter and she ended things abruptly about a month after our wedding shower... .very close to what would have been our wedding date. It's been almost four years. At one time I tried very hard to make amends and make friends. I went through the trouble of joining a support group for pwBPDs and making friends with a blogger. She was very responsive to the two letters we wrote over a period of time. After a period of time though, either she would be a little friendly, ignore me for 2-3 months, or she would rage at me. We certainly didn't seem to progress as you might expect from any kind of continued relationship. I didn't know of "triggers" though she mentioned them at one time... .I definitely walked on eggshells. It really hurt me to think that I might never see or hear from her ever again. I knew I didn't want that, but I also knew that communication was hurtful for both of us. Eventually her/the outbursts were too much for me to continue communicating and I've been NC for 2 years.

Nearly 4 years after the official b/u, I'm much closer to accepting the traumatic event as part of a greater story. Finding and dealing with my baggage (emotionally charged r/s with my own mother) and my recovery (stronger boundaries, no rescuing). Then there's accepting her own role in her recovery and that I'm no longer a caretaker. And a part accepting that I would very likely never see or hear from any member of my ex's family ever again... .though we were once so close. I still don't go many days without thinking about it but it's far less emotionally charged. I can see myself being free and care-free when it's the right time. We're all on a journey. I hope that you find peace with yours.