Hi
I am going through a lot of questions in my mind at the moment, have recently joined these boards and feel I am at a crossroads (not for the first time) - Whilst in one way the signposts are pretty clear I find myself 'parked' and just not knowing which direction I should take.
I have a BPD partner of 9 years ( although only relatively recently diagnosed). He also binge drinks although that is seen as a symptom rather than a cause. We no longer live together, it was recommended that he live independently by his therapist.
Because I have been getting my own therapy and from my work on the twelve steps of Al-Anon I realise that I have a default position of 'rescuing' and that default is driven by my own damaged sense of self. I can even understand where in my own family history that originated and turned me into a person who needed validation, nobody better than an addict or BPD to offer that validation
, at least at first!
I can see my role in this - I really can, I find someone who seems vulnerable and scared, I offer security, comfort, affection. The relationship started quickly (we were both on the rebound) - I knew nothing of BPD or alcoholism. I was sucked in (although not consciously at that stage) by someone who I thought I could help and the validation that offered me ... .and yes it was all exciting at first, felt great!
For a while things felt good, I ignored the warnings of friends, even cutting some of them from my life. The co-dependency increased, still I did not acknowledge it. I continued in a belief that things would get better and 'love conquers all' - kind of hard to come to that acceptance that it is not adult love at all, that I am fulfilling the role of parent rather than adult. I am now starting to question if I have ever been capable of an adult mature relationship or if there is something in me preventing it?
Logic and reason are my defences in life, all problems have solutions, but that leads to a situation where my head and my heart are not singing the same song, logic dictates i should move on accepting that I am a worthy person, employed, financially responsible, capable and well OK! At nearly 60 I also feel that I owe myself some fun/Joy before I get too old!
Emotion dictates that I am torn between my own needs/desires - I have a lot of trouble nowadays in even defining what my needs/desires are - so enmeshed in the emotions of another. The rescuer in me tells me I should be using those attributes to help another in distress.
There is my dilemma at the moment, go or stay. I read on another board that breaking up is a process, certainly we have been through this loop many times. So maybe I have started to study this forum at the right time, I am conscious that my life is moving on, that I have needs and desires that are not being met even if they cannot be defined yet
Finally I really do see BPD as an illness, a really horrible one and i guess that is where my difficulty lies - would I just walk out on someone with Cancer or AIDS?