Miss you

[Caramel]

I miss the excitement of our relationship. The way we held each other and made love to each other. The crazy things that we did together. Walking in the snow at 4 am. Getting lost in each other's eyes and kissing among the crowd like no one else was watching. How friends made fun of us, called us love birds. How we got so excited every time we saw each other. How proudly we introduced each other to friends and family. I miss your smile, I miss your eyes.I miss how you saw the world, the beautiful way you looked at life.I miss the kindness and the beauty in you.

I am now an ocean apart from you. That's what you asked for.

I would give up anything just to be able to hear your voice again. But I know that I should keep loving you in silence. That my love is not gonna do you or me any good. I am a wounded soul too. Just like you. I cannot help you. I can only help myself. At this stage any effort to help you from my side will only come from a place of manipulation and selfishness. And it will make you feel more guilty and I know you have a difficult time dealing with that one. I hope that you know I have not forgotten about you. I am thinking about you every second of every day. It's the hardest thing to realise that the only thing I can do for the person I love is to walk away from him. It is the saddest thing.

Please forgive me for writing our story here. The difficult time we had together has left me with tremendous amount of pain. I could not handle it on my own, I just needed to share it with someone.

Every night I go to bed I pray for your heart. I hope you are happy. I hope your heart is smiling.

Miss you and love you to the end...

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for writing & posting here, Caramel.  You write eloquently, and from the heart.  You give words to the longing that so many of us feel after the relationships.

One thing I found helpful, after some time passed, was to write a letter to myself, for myself.   It helped me realize that the love I held remained in me, and I allowed myself to grieve.   In writing, I began to unlock the doors for healing.

Be kind to yourself at this time.   This is a loss, no doubt.  And you tenderly describe its impact on you.

Keep posting.  We are in this together.

[Hopeless777]

Why do I always weep when I read these heart broken posts? They just tear me up because they remind me of her and how sad i am. Sad to the point of despair. So sad I sometimes believe there is no future and that every day will be as sad as today. Why go on? Because I have to, because I need to, because something inside me says I must. Then I crash and start over again, and again, and again. I love this Board and all the broken people on it. At times I hate reading about the struggles so many of us have. I understand the disorder intellectually; but I understand nothing about it emotionally. I have no understanding of the cruelty of the pwBPD. Even though I've been married to her for 27+ years, raised two children, and have a grandchild, its all just a mystery to me. Its not fair; its a cruel joke of Satan himself; where is God amidst the torture and pain. How can she live with herself and act like more than a quarter century is nothing? We were supposed to be living our golden years together... .now I have nothing but my will to survive. Everything else used to matter; now only my  survival counts. Woe is me for I am undone.

[Promises]

I'm searching through this board for help tonight.  I clicked on yours because the title was exactly what I feel.  I could have written so many lines of this.  I am no better than when we started NC.  I thought I'd have made some progress by now but I haven't.  The pains so fresh it feels like yesterday he stabbed that knife in my back.  I feel hopeless like its never going to go away.  I know living without him is a better life for me than living with him but it doesn't feel like it.  I feel like I'm going to live with this pain forever.  I want to skip this misreble recovery process.  It's too long and I suck at it!  I'm not strong enough.  Mine doesn't feel guilt but I wish he did.  He deserves it.  He deserves this pain.  I don't.  I tried so hard.  I loved so much.  He didn't try.  He never figured out what love is.  How can a human being treat someone they love like a BPD treats us?  So many questions I have.  So many answers I've heard from this board but I still don't get it.  My mind is not capable of understanding the answers because I'm the opposite.  I care about others and just couldn't do what they do.  Ever.  :)o they love anyone for real?  Questions are useless because the answers don't make sense and are never going to.

Sorry I went off and ranted my misery on your thread.  What I meant to say was I feel ya girl.  I know exactly how you feel.  Too bad they never will.

[Promises]

Hopeless, it seems like we are sharing the same mind tonight.  You posted when I had just got done writing mine.  It's hard to believe others share my pain but you do. I'd wish it on no one, expect him.  We'll make it through.  Hard to believe but we will.  I'm not sure I believe it but that's what I keep telling myself.

[Caredverymuch]

I miss the excitement of our relationship. The way we held each other and made love to each other. The crazy things that we did together. Walking in the snow at 4 am. Getting lost in each other's eyes and kissing among the crowd like no one else was watching. How friends made fun of us, called us love birds. How we got so excited every time we saw each other. How proudly we introduced each other to friends and family. I miss your smile, I miss your eyes.I miss how you saw the world, the beautiful way you looked at life.I miss the kindness and the beauty in you.

I am now an ocean apart from you. That's what you asked for.

I would give up anything just to be able to hear your voice again. But I know that I should keep loving you in silence. That my love is not gonna do you or me any good. I am a wounded soul too. Just like you. I cannot help you. I can only help myself. At this stage any effort to help you from my side will only come from a place of manipulation and selfishness. And it will make you feel more guilty and I know you have a difficult time dealing with that one. I hope that you know I have not forgotten about you. I am thinking about you every second of every day. It's the hardest thing to realise that the only thing I can do for the person I love is to walk away from him. It is the saddest thing.

Please forgive me for writing our story here. The difficult time we had together has left me with tremendous amount of pain. I could not handle it on my own, I just needed to share it with someone.

Every night I go to bed I pray for your heart. I hope you are happy. I hope your heart is smiling.

Miss you and love you to the end...

Caramel, like so many experiences of our members, I understand and appreciate your very poignant sharing.  I am sorry for your pain and I hope tomorrow is a better day. And every day thereafter gets a bit better too.  Keep reading and posting here. It has helped me understand so much.

Despite the understanding we gain in learning about this d/o, underneath all the difficulties we endured. There was love.  I will never doubt that. Ever.  Now we must continue to heal.  I had posted such similar thoughts just a few days ago.  Here is a bit of my post and shared feelings:

And yes, I do miss him. The simple ways. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss the way he smelled. I miss his hand on my leg as we rode and we talked. I miss how we laughed so hard together, at just the same time. Tears of laughter. I  miss our music. I miss going to church together. I miss the way he walked. I miss saying good morning and good night . I  miss holding his hand.  I miss our embrace and all that words couldn't ever say, in that shared warm, deeply loving place. I miss how he rubbed my back so lightly. And kissed me.   I miss how I rubbed his neck,  as he told me about his day. I miss walking with him. I miss coffee with him. I miss seeing him.  I miss it all.  I guess you know what I mean. Even though the d/o came with all that we know. I do miss him. I alway will.

[Caramel]

I just wanted to thank you all for reading my post and for sharing your stories and feelings with me. That meant a lot to me.

"Hopeless" you asked where God is amongst all these. God is among your words and her words and his words that came picked me up when I was at my weakest.

Isn't it amazing that we have found each other here?

Thanks to all of you.

We will get through this together.

Love always wins.

[irishmarmot]

It's been 6 months of NC and that has helped me detach from my expwBPD.   I see everything for what it was and I am stronger and wiser for it.  In the beginning I missed her terribly but now I realize that I was enmeshed with her in an unhealthy way.  Her moods would swing from hour to hour and that would dictate how I would feel.  Today she does not have that power over me.  My life is becoming normal again and I don't miss her.  The good parts she portrayed to me were an illusion.   It was not how she really felt.  BPD is a serious mental illness that affects all those around her.  It takes a strong emotionally centered person to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers with it.  And then it is still not easy.  I have gone through all the stages of grieving and this board has helped me realize both what I was dealing with and supported me in the process of detaching.  Words cannot express my gratitude to everyone.

[Ventus2ct]

Caramel, what lovely words you write! So sums up how I think and feel regarding my ex, it's such a shame they never are aware how "into" them they are and how painful it must be for them to not feel the same way, I guess they don't know how to so can't anyway, we are wasted on them.

I miss all the things that you mention.

6 months, I can't wait but at 2 and a half months NC currently and I do actually feel things are getting easier at times, not heard a word out of her since she dumped me.

But god i miss her, not the pain but the specialness/intensity of it, it was magic, an illusion but stunning non the less.