Blackmailed I need ADVICE

[Split black]

A new development... .since I changed my number... .she was able to get my new number from a friend! I will change it again

However... .she used the opportunity to BLACKMAIL me for money. She wants 400 cash. Why 400... .who knows... .but shes blackmailed me before. And I caved twice before, and gave her what she wanted for her silence. So she wouldn't call my friends and family and business associates... .and my non ex the mother of our son... .who I was in the process of reconciling with... .if she discovered my association with this girl that door would be permanently closed. BUT SHE VIOLATED my name and reputation anyway! Some months ago!

  Now that I was un-recycled, and painted viciously black again after having sex with her two days ago, she said shes going to ruin me and make sure I never get back with my ex significant other who I had a pretty good 10 year relationship with and a son.  That will suck beyond belief. The distortion campaign will be brutal. I think something snapped in her. Just snapped. Ive seen this before the other times shes blackmailed me and smeared me. She truly believes I gave her some disease, thats not even possible... .its crazy. I explained time frames, I explained her multiple sex partners... no, nothing... just saying I was trying to trick her. What? And that I took advantage of her... .WHAT? She was happy, laughing, on FB, texting, getting high, talking... .and sex bombed the living hell out of me. But when she woke up the next morning it was a COMPLETE AND TOTALLY different person. Almost reminds me of a psychotic split of personalities. I dont know what to make of it but she must feel I betrayed some trust. I have no other explanation for this sudden and radical TURN in 24 hours.

This time its going to be worse. I am tempted to ruin her name back. I have proof of a lot of things and could go to her BF and others, I could hurt her badly... .but shes so insane I truly think she doesn't care what happens to herself. I always took the high road, but she has to be accountable for this behavior and actions. How can I just sit back and not retaliate this time? I need counseling for this.

Her call was brief. She said... "here is the deal... .I owe you 3k  ... .how about you pay me 400 and I will keep my mouth shut". And then she hung up. I did not call back.  Im so ___ing angry at myself. Here I am again, history repeating itself. This is a nightmare of my own making. What was I thinking?

Should I pay her... .she is serious. Appealing to any sense of decency is useless because she hates me so much right now Im sure in her mind any punishment is justified. ugh  

[AwakenedOne]

Is it better to just tell you ex (the nonBPD-mother of your son) about this? No guarantee she will forgive you though of course. Might even use this against you regarding your future relationship with your son? Maybe by hearing it out of your mouth instead of this other woman will give you a slim chance?

Sounds like she's a liar capable of even worse lies to get you arrested falsely?

Make sure you have nothing to be arrested for.

If she comes to your door have a plan what you will do.

[enlighten me]

Call her and record the conversation. Get her to incriminate herself. If she does call the police and make accusations against you then at least youve got evidence against her. You can also use it to discredit her and try and repair any smear campaign she starts.

If you were broken up with your ex then she may be upset but who you sleep with isn't her business. Just like who your ex sleeps with is non of yours. She cant hold it against you.

You could maybe even threaten her for libel. I know this will probably send her into a rage but when theyre mad they say things that they don't want to slip out.

[Boss302]

I only have two pieces of advice:

1) Call an attorney and see what legal remedies you have at you disposal.

2) And man to man... .stop thinking with the brain that lives between your legs. I mean, she blackmails you, and then you sleep with her? Are you kidding me? No sex in the world is worth this kind of nonsense. And if you think it is, then I'm afraid I'm all out of ideas for you.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's the way I see it. You're clearly letting sex cloud your judgment. There's no tiptoeing around that.

[Split black]

I think what Im going to do when she calls is to tell her to go ahead and call whomever and do her worst, which she will... .then I will tell her that no matter what Im not giving her any money, and that if it does come back to me that she smeared me I will go to her current boyfriend, and if she doesn't care... .fine. But if she does it might give her pause. Either way, Im not going to give her a penny... .and quite frankly, shes dead to me. This was truly the last straw. Hopeless, brain-dead, self sabotaging borderline addict.  Im kind of feeling ok. Just waiting for the hammer to drop but Im prepared.

I will try to record it but thats going to be difficult using a cell phone, and I dont have a mini recorder... .maybe buy one tomorrow. Black mail is in fact a crime.

[AwakenedOne]

I will try to record it but thats going to be difficult using a cell phone, and I dont have a mini recorder... .maybe buy one tomorrow. Black mail is in fact a crime.

As Boss302 mentioned you might want to consult an attorney. Also, be aware of the telephone recording laws of your country/state.

[JohnLove]

Be aware of the law... .but don't let that stop you for self protection purposes.

I played a recording of death threats made to me from my BPDex to local police who referred the matter to detectives who ultimately said it was inadmissible in court.

It didn't matter. Local police knew what she was about now. Damage control.

My crime. Returning our children to her after my care.

[enlighten me]

I will try to record it but thats going to be difficult using a cell phone, and I dont have a mini recorder... .maybe buy one tomorrow. Black mail is in fact a crime.

Use the speaker option when you call. A dictophone costs about £20 in the uk so will be cheaper in America. I bought one when I was dealing with my ex wife. I never had to use anything I recorded but I had a few things that although I couldn't have used legally would have backed my side of the story up as Johnlove did.

[Narellan]

I disagree with the advice given here. Don't do anything. Don't play the game. Go NC. Do not engage in any response. Do not answer any calls from an unknown number. If you have voicemail remove it for now. She's running scared and will calm down if you don't feed into it.

Forget the money. Stay out of sight. Don't threaten to tell her boyfriend. She's young and stupid, you don't need to follow suit. Time to man up SB. If she tells your wife take responsibility for your actions. You did the crime you may have to do the time. Yes it will suck big time if these events unfold, but truly if you were serious about reconciling with your wife you wouldn't be in this mess.

[Aussie JJ]

Answer is who do you want to be?

Do you want to be the person playing on her level?  I cant look at myself in the mirror when I see how much I have hurt my exBPD and I go through all of the times I hurt her.  Did I do it intentionally?  No, I just recognise when I invalidated her it hurt her. 

Go to the girl your trying to reconcile with, tell her the FULL story.  Tell her the history and then go complete NC.  She deserves that, you deserve to give her that as well if serious. 

Again who do you want to be.  Want to be worrying what she is going to say, do, threaten constantly? 

Accept that it will get bloody awful for the next few weeks, months after starting NC.  Just know people will see how you act and how she acts and will know the truth.  Again, who do you want to be?

[AwakenedOne]

I disagree with the advice given here. Don't do anything. Don't play the game. Go NC. Do not engage in any response. Do not answer any calls from an unknown number. If you have voicemail remove it for now. She's running scared and will calm down if you don't feed into it.Forget the money. Stay out of sight. Don't threaten to tell her boyfriend. She's young and stupid, you don't need to follow suit. Time to man up SB. If she tells your wife take responsibility for your actions. You did the crime you may have to do the time. Yes it will suck big time if these events unfold, but truly if you were serious about reconciling with your wife you wouldn't be in this mess.

Split Black,

Narellan has given you some very wise advice.

Just do nothing, don't talk or text her ever again. NC. Stop playing her games and except what ever comes as a result of her actions. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.

It's your life though, you must decide.

Good Luck,

AO

[Infared]

Wow... way to much drama and you are just as big a part of it as she is. A little growing up is in order here. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Go to battle with a serious mental illness and you will lose; we all tried and we all lost.  You're caught up in the drama and haven't even started detaching.  The best path is to remove the borderline from your life, whatever it takes, and level with the healthy gal; you won't ultimately be happy any other way. Take care of you!

[Split black]

She hasnt contacted me today to follow up on her threat. Im  ok but anxious. Im giving her nothing. Hopefully she will be distracted wth her other targets for awhile.

I dont think she acted out on her demand yet because she didnt follow it up. But she will. NC is the correct solution but she should not be allowed to ruin peoples lives for perceived crimes against her. I laid down once. I know its a no win situation but she should be accountable for her actions. Shes a functioning addict... .her day consists of dumbing down her pain. But to the world her pretty face shines happy. Drama and chaos 2 those that care. ... .so far no word. NC will set her off when her demand for money comes. And then its going to be so bad... .for me. No choice.

[drv3006]

Lately I am amazed at what people on here are blaming a person with a mental disorder for.  Its one thing to try to get over someone who has hurt you because of a mental disease, its another to blame the mental illness on your own poor judgement.  For goodness sakes, stop sleeping with her.   If you love another woman or like another woman why would you.  I just read another one with a someone who's phone was loaded with sex pictures and videos and they finally deleted them now they can block her.  Really!  I have beat the crap out of myself because I cannot handle this illness, but I am not going to use them for sex or oogle at their pictures and then complain how unkind they are.   I am sorry, I guess I find this really incensitive and feel sorry for your non BPD gal.  Obvously you keep your exes, close by. Hmmmm.

[Lion Fire]

This is tricky Splitblack and I know how you feel.

My ex held me over a barrel for a while. I told her some confidential stuff about my past and all of my work stuff was in her apartment. She threatened to out me to my family and publicly and the fall out would have been disastrous. She also claimed to have the number of my exgf with whom I was in the complicated process of selling a property. She threatened to tell her her a whole bunch of stuff that would have blown the negotiation completely.

Eventally, I parted with over 1k GBP to get my stuff. I was like James Bond on a mission, damage limitation, in and out. Aside from some small details I never looked back and I've stayed far away from her for a few months. She still reaches out to connect but I blank her.

Thank you for reminding me.

I can't give you direct advice but the biggest lesson I learned was to be prudent with information and most of all to be honest. She tapped into old secrets and used them as leverage.

I am in the process of clearing up all of my past stuff so that I don't have any baggage... firstly for my own conscience and secondly so that I cannot be held to ransom.

I guess once you've paid the blackmail a couple of times she'll try to keep making you pay.

You might have to face the music now and stop hiding things bro.

Keep cool and face it. Be brave

[Narellan]

Quote:

"  I know its a no win situation but she should be accountable for her actions."

SB read what you wrote. This is true for both of you. You both " cheated"

[Split black]

Lately I am amazed at what people on here are blaming a person with a mental disorder for.  Its one thing to try to get over someone who has hurt you because of a mental disease, its another to blame the mental illness on your own poor judgement.  For goodness sakes, stop sleeping with her.   If you love another woman or like another woman why would you.  I just read another one with a someone who's phone was loaded with sex pictures and videos and they finally deleted them now they can block her.  Really!  I have beat the crap out of myself because I cannot handle this illness, but I am not going to use them for sex or oogle at their pictures and then complain how unkind they are.   I am sorry, I guess I find this really incensitive and feel sorry for your non BPD gal.  Obvously you keep your exes, close by. Hmmmm.

Seriously?

This is tricky Splitblack and I know how you feel.

My ex held me over a barrel for a while. I told her some confidential stuff about my past and all of my work stuff was in her apartment. She threatened to out me to my family and publicly and the fall out would have been disastrous. She also claimed to have the number of my exgf with whom I was in the complicated process of selling a property. She threatened to tell her her a whole bunch of stuff that would have blown the negotiation completely.

Eventally, I parted with over 1k GBP to get my stuff. I was like James Bond on a mission, damage limitation, in and out. Aside from some small details I never looked back and I've stayed far away from her for a few months. She still reaches out to connect but I blank her.

Thank you for reminding me.

I can't give you direct advice but the biggest lesson I learned was to be prudent with information and most of all to be honest. She tapped into old secrets and used them as leverage.

I am in the process of clearing up all of my past stuff so that I don't have any baggage... firstly for my own conscience and secondly so that I cannot be held to ransom.

I guess once you've paid the blackmail a couple of times she'll try to keep making you pay.

You might have to face the music now and stop hiding things bro.

Keep cool and face it. Be brave

Yeah... .    this sucks... .I spoke to my ex partner ( not married) we have a son. Shes in Fla. Im in NY ... .I have our boy. Im moving end of Aug with him ... .We both adore him. We are both on the same page. Shes a career wall street-er. Don't know if you know the type. I was on her agenda at the time. But we spent a decade together.

Its hard not to hide things from people you love, because ultimately you dont want to hurt them. Ive had an ability to compartmentalize things... .but I feel deeply for others... .so I dont know what the ___ my deal is.

But this current situation is untenable. I did get a call... . my exBPDgf has an accute sense for the jugular... .no mention of money yet... .just " Im gonna tell XX about us because I know it will hurt you"  Thats really what its all about to her... .Im blacker then night again after 24 hours because somehow, she must have felt shame sleeping with me and lying to her other boyfriends... .I really have no clue. Like no clue. She was VERY happy. Next day... .unrecognizable.

Quote:

"  I know its a no win situation but she should be accountable for her actions."

SB read what you wrote. This is true for both of you. You both " cheated"

Actually no... .I did not cheat on anyone. We were separated.

[drv3006]

Yes 

[Narellan]

Your exBPD has a boyfriend ( or 2) and you said you were " in the process of reconciling with" your ex wife. That to me is cheating.

There's no judgement from me SB. I'm making a point that you are accountable for your actions. She didnt just " jump on you" you willingly participated ( several times for several hours as the story goes ). I can see you are now in fear of your actions, but playing the blaming game with your BPDxgf will only do more damage. 

[drv3006]

I agree with narellon. I don't know if you cheated or not and don't care. The point is you willing slept with her. I have no doubt she made your life miserable. We have all lived that and some still are. But we all know these people have a personality disorder. She is probably not going to say anything but trying to see if you care. You slept with her and now you are done. So she is fighting back in the way we are all familiar with.   Cut off all contact. That means sex. Especially if you care for someone else. Even people who don't have a personality disorder don't like to be pumped and dumped. And with ill people you don't know how they will act. Hence the blackmail

[myself]

When she did this in the past, you met her demands, helping set the pattern?

How can she wreck your future if your other ex is cool with you?

Where there's smoke, there's often fire. Why keep getting burned?

She was getting what she wanted, now she's not.

So she's looking for control while feeling out of control.

What do you want? How will you create more self control?

[Split black]

Your exBPD has a boyfriend ( or 2) and you said you were " in the process of reconciling with" your ex wife. That to me is cheating.

There's no judgement from me SB. I'm making a point that you are accountable for your actions. She didnt just " jump on you" you willingly participated ( several times for several hours as the story goes ). I can see you are now in fear of your actions, but playing the blaming game with your BPDxgf will only do more damage. 

Well... .shes not my ex wife... .  We were domestic partners. Regardless... .she may or may not have been with someone else as well. I dont know... .we were/are in the talking stages. But she did jump on me... .and then I participated. 

Im anxious... yes. Agitated... .yes. But I did participate. However... .well... .accountable for my actions... yes. Stupid, stupid, stupid mistake. My cell blew up with hate and how shes going to ruin me and call my ex. For delusional reasons that make absolutely no sense.

I jump every time my cell goes off... .even with this new number, I now have to change it yet again. So frustrating. Im committed to NC. I cant deal with this drama... .shes like the historical black widow... .on crack. ugh 

[Split black]

When she did this in the past, you met her demands, helping set the pattern?

How can she wreck your future if your other ex is cool with you?

Where there's smoke, there's often fire. Why keep getting burned?

She was getting what she wanted, now she's not.

So she's looking for control while feeling out of control.

What do you want? How will you create more self control?

I want out. I want her to stop it. My other ex may not be cool with this, I dont want something tainted before it begins. I tried NC but she realized it and got my new number almost immediately. Shes extremely street smart and resourceful.  I asked her to be reasonable and explained the sequence to her like she was 3. I believe she disassociated, and blacked it out... .or thats a manipulation. Doesn't matter... .Her mind is firmly fixated that I GAVE HER SOME STD... .which is ludicrous. I asked her if she was TESTED the next morning, and got some sort of result back... .ummm no. Doesn't matter. But when she said that two days ago, I RUSHED to a clinic and got tested and had a shot with follow up antibiotics in case shes projecting. She ranted that Im a nasty grimy ___, and how could I, and shes going to tell everyone... . This seems to be more psychotic and paranoid then BPD. I just cant believe her reasoning in the face of facts. Facts do not matter. Im going to be blasted by her to everyone and anyone that will listen. Sickening.

[Split black]

I agree with narellon. I don't know if you cheated or not and don't care. The point is you willing slept with her. I have no doubt she made your life miserable. We have all lived that and some still are. But we all know these people have a personality disorder. She is probably not going to say anything but trying to see if you care. You slept with her and now you are done. So she is fighting back in the way we are all familiar with.   Cut off all contact. That means sex. Especially if you care for someone else. Even people who don't have a personality disorder don't like to be pumped and dumped. And with ill people you don't know how they will act. Hence the blackmail

No, you have it all wrong. I did not pump and dump. She called me the next day flipping out. Yes, she will smear like all hell broke loose because she did it before. Yes, I slept with her and it was a stupid, stupid addicted lack of judgement on my part. Shes not fighting back, shes full on attacking for delusional reasons known to her, and when she speaks of them... .I explain why her reasoning isnt possible. Her answer is I DON'T CARE... .you're a blah blah blah blah. etc etc... .and the Im going to tell blah and blah... .and Im going to ruin your name... .you grimy ___. Etc. Ad nauseam. Coupled with blackmail.

Yes, now... .no contact.

[Aussie JJ]

On the previous page someone said we all have to grow up.  I agree, you cant stop her from doing what she is going to do.  You can control what you are going to do. 

If your ex that you have a kid with is serious, I would if I was you, totally forget about this one, goto the one that you want to fix things up with and have a D&M, see where it is at.  Put all of your efforts into that. 

Explain the drama with the crazy BPD psyco, tell her she will say some things that are not true some that are, please ask me and I will be totally honest with you if she starts spewing forth crap.  Put your efforts into something positive, yourself, identifying your issues, reconciling with the other lady in your life.  Put effort into positives not negatives. 

All of us wish we could go back and take our own advice, I know in hindsight I would change so many things.  The first I would do is read more of these forums and base my decisions on the lessons hard earnt by people in here that have been through this. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Split, there's a theme forming in this thread, yes?  We were all part of dysfunctional relationships, highly, highly dysfunctional in some cases, and we were all complicit in that dysfunction.  Sure, our partner may have a mental illness, but staying caught up in the drama when we need to know better is an illness of its own. 

To swing entirely the other way, what do we have to do?  What does entirely the other way look like?  For me, I need to be open, honest and authentic with my partner, focus on meeting her needs at a very high level, focus on creating a friendship based on trust and respect, focus on gratitude and have faith, faith that everything happens the way it's supposed to and all I have to do is show up with integrity.  Oh, and of course, if my partner is not capable or willing to go there with me, leave, leave right now, no waiting, life is too short for this silliness.

So what does an ideal relationship look like for you?

[Split black]

Hey Split, there's a theme forming in this thread, yes?  We were all part of dysfunctional relationships, highly, highly dysfunctional in some cases, and we were all complicit in that dysfunction.  Sure, our partner may have a mental illness, but staying caught up in the drama when we need to know better is an illness of its own. 

To swing entirely the other way, what do we have to do?  What does entirely the other way look like?  For me, I need to be open, honest and authentic with my partner, focus on meeting her needs at a very high level, focus on creating a friendship based on trust and respect, focus on gratitude and have faith, faith that everything happens the way it's supposed to and all I have to do is show up with integrity.  Oh, and of course, if my partner is not capable or willing to go there with me, leave, leave right now, no waiting, life is too short for this silliness.

So what does an ideal relationship look like for you?

I have the above with the mother of my son. Shes not perfect and she can be a demanding pain in the ass... .but she would never cheat, she doesnt lie and holds herself and everyone to a very high standard. Shes intense and narrow minded in her thinking at times... .lots of times... but shes normal. She is fun and open to trying new things... .we have traveled around the world together... .to the far east. Ive taught her,and shes taught me... .  A 10 year relationship goes thru ups and downs, sometimes boring... .sometimes the rut of the same old thing... .but there is or was a solid respect and partnership there. With her though partnership was almost too businesslike... .her wall street no nonsense approach to things. BUT... .looking back... .I should have made it work. Wasnt so bad, and we have a wonderful 7 year old we both adore. We agree we are both good parents... .we have no issues with our parenting skills.

If mine new the s*it drama, crazy, nonsense I have endured and allowed... .she would lose the respect for me that I have already lost for myself. I dont want to see that in her eyes.

No word from psycho today... .yesterday was all about how she was contacting my ex this morning... .has not happened yet.  And all about the gr*my sc*mbag she believes I am. Because, she thinks I gave her an STD because we had unprotected sex. I think thats what triggered her. Who knows. I dont care... .I could not reason with her... .so today Im changing my number for the 3rd time. Fun.

I am anxious though... .I am waiting for really bad things to happen. I have been terrorized. This is how it feels.

[cosmonaut]

Hey, SB, I'm really sorry to hear about all you've been going through.  Seems like I've missed out on quite a bit lately.  Sorry to hear about things.

Would you consider taking legal action against her?  It sounds like you could afford it.  It might be the only way to get her to leave you alone.  Slander and libel are actionable.  Just a thought.

Also, I don't mean to rub salt in any wounds, but you are for certain never going back to the well, right?  I think you know that you are only going to draw more misery.  She is clearly toxic and no good can come from having anything further to do with her.   Stay strong and keep her walled off from you.   

Edit:  Also, SB, please get STD tested.  I work in medicine, so I just have to add that.  Be safe.

[Skip]

NC is the correct solution but she should not be allowed to ruin peoples lives for perceived crimes against her. I laid down once. I know its a no win situation but she should be accountable for her actions. Shes a functioning addict... .her day consists of dumbing down her pain.

Split black,

It's not about her anymore.

It's not about no contact either - you can't do it.

I think its time to realize that you need to go into either IOP or check into a RTC.

You're like an alcoholic who blames the bottle.

You're destroying your life with this.

You know all this - we have chatted here before about this.

Everyone here cares for you.  We're pulling for you.  We'll be here every step of the way.

And it's time to pick up the phone and make some appointments.  Bring in the big guns.

Skip